No. 780: Drampa

What the hell does Normal/Dragon even mean, really?

I'm kinda tired of things picking up Normal as a sub-type, but then I don't like the concept of Normal as a type existing at all. I've ranted about it in the past, go find that. Now it's the time to roast this geriatric bitch.

Go back to Wind Waker, you claymation bastard. Those eyes display no signs of life, and I know somebody just rolled up little bits for your hair and eyebrows. Looking unbalanced af, like he'll fall over if he wasn't gripping the ground in front of him with full strength. Where's the rest of the body? He's got arms hidden under that feather-fluff, but not nearly enough junk in the trunk to balance it out.

I can only imagine what the design process was for Drampa:
"okay we need just 1 more Pokemon to fit the quota"
"but we've done everything"
"c'monnnnnn just 1 more"
"okay...... what about...... a dragon? that's an old man? sorry dude I'm tapped"
"that's horrible, but it's late as hell. Sure, write it down. Tell the modelers to make it look like it was made out of Sculpee, I don't give a shit."


Overall: 1/10

No. 779: Bruxish

say it with me now - humu-humu-nuku-nuku-apu-a'a

I gotta give this one props for being so aggressively garish. Other Pokemon accidentally back into it, but Bruxish saw the warning signs and just plowed right through them, driving off the cliff like the end of Thelma & Louise. The whole thing looks like some sort of vaporwave-inspired snorkeling nightmare.

And you know what? "vaporwave-inspired snorkeling nightmare" just so happens to be my middle name. I love this big biggedy bitch. Tropical fish are supposed to be crazy-go-nuts! I dig the way it can hurt you both ways - big-ass chompers, or a magical psychic flower. And I can't get enough of that sassy 'tude.

one final note - whenever I seen a humu fish, I'm always struck by an intense desire to fry it whole and eat it like a steak. Yeah I know there's bones and guts and stuff in there, but they just look like little patties of meat to me. So am I saying I want to eat Bruxish?

maybe ~

Overall: 10/10

No. 778: Mimikyu

the only fault with this one is that it's not named Pikaboo.

So first off, let's get one thing straight - if I see anybody bullying Mimikyu, there's gonna be a problem. do NOT bully this adorable little guy. I'm dead serious.

With that out of the way, I love how meta Mimikyu is. It's jealous of Pikachu's popularity, which is apparently as omnipresent in Poke-world as it is in real life, but also serves as a satire of the Pika-clones we see every generation. Which really makes Togedemaru damn pointless, huh? Just stop it already, Gamefreak. You've got the period at the end of your sentence, now. We can be done with adding new electric rodents every gen.

So the design is fun and clever, but the ability is also neat. Like with Minior, it makes you use the Pokemon in a different way than normal. The ability to absorb that first hit gives it great versatility - use it to power up with Swords Dance or Z-Splash (I usually never take the time for these, but Mimikyu lets me get one off for free), or tack on some damage for free before switching out next turn, or maybe fight it out with Mimikyu's surprisingly solid stats.

It looks cute, but Mimikyu is a goddamn terror that will feed you your own face if you underestimate it. You've been warned.


Overall: 10/10

No. 777: Togedemaru

! J A C K P O T !

Well, I wish. But instead we've got the obligatory Pikachu imitator. At this point, I don't even know why they're trying. This one is so close to being its own thing, too! Which just makes it sad that they had to tack on the electric cheek pouches and lightning-bolt-shaped tail, because maybe someone's grandma will mistake it for Pikachu at the Toys R Us? Maybe that's the angle they're going for?

Even ignoring those connections, Togedemaru isn't that great anyway. I know the little triangles stand up and become spikes, but I sort of wish this hedgehog Pokemon looked more prickly. Or had an evolution that upped the spike factor? Or did anything aside from look like one of those Squishables stuffed animals.


Overall: 3/10

No. 776: Turtonator

cue the Gamera theme

Related to Druddigon, perhaps? They both come from the same design school of jaggedy, unaesthetic pukes. Turtonator at least has the mild excuse of being based on an animal that is ugly as sin in real life, but to me that's no excuse. Improve on nature.

Oh, and get outta here with that Snidely Whiplash mustache, c'mon now. And is that a nose, or a mouth? Or is it just the same unspeakable orifice, à la Birdo? Turtonator doesn't just look like it got hit with the ugly stick, it got worked over with the ugly stick like Joe Pesci in Casino.

I have no points for creativity of gimmick on what feels like a thirteenth goddamn turtle Pokemon, either.


Overall: 1/10

No. 775: Komala

"Man was born tired, and lives to rest." - Montenegrin proverb

The first question I got is how come his flesh hanging out of his ears. You see how it's clearly in front like that? That's the inner skin part of the ear, it shouldn't be puffy and out like that. Shit is messed up, go see a doctor.

Secondarily, that's a weird-ass log. It looks like a cartoon pillow log, instead of an actual piece of wood. Pokemon who always have items are kinda weird to think about, but if it just clings to some log that makes more sense than having a log toy. Is he on some Twin Peaks shit, Log Komalady? Wouldn't that make he a she? I don't have the answers.

Instead, I just have more questions. In the un-used walking/running animations (check 'em out, some are pretty cool, and I'd love for Pokemon following to get brought back, no idea why they had to scrap it when they did all of them) Komala moves almost as if the log is leading the koala... draw your own conclusions.

Actually, don't do that. This is my blog, so I get to make the conclusions around here. Komala pretty much sucks, I don't want a Pokemon that lives in a never-coma and may or may not actually be a log. At least Snorlax wakes the fuck up once in a while.


Overall: 3/10

No. 774: Minior

So many - So mini!


I didn't expect to love this little guy, but damn if Minior didn't turn out to be one of my favorites in Alola. Its ability is really fun to use, and makes you play the game differently than other Pokemon - do you use Shell Smash to drop your defenses and intentionally take that hit, then rock out with super-buff Speed and Attack stats? Or do you throw out whatever move you want, then gtfo with U-turn, knowing you've got a glass cannon Minior in your pocket? Or maybe just Explosion when health gets low and you don't give a shit. A lot of options!

Speaking of options, Minior comes in all sorts of colors. I think it should be a cereal. Mini-O's you can call it. Chocolate crust around a berry-flavored center. The flavors, by the way, are rightfully ranked as follows:

Blue Raspberry > Strawberry > Cotton Candy > Watermelon > Lemon > Orange > Grape > Black Licorice

With the shell on, it has a cool tribal mask sort of flair. With the mask off, it's one of those cute things from Super Mario Galaxy. Either way, it's a winner.


Overall: 10/10

No. 773: Silvally

It's a well-known anime fact that dramatically removing a helmet or mask increases your power tenfold.

Why wasn't this just a form? Or Mega-Evolution? Dude just removed some headgear, that's it. And the chicken head underneath looks actually kinda cool, until you realize he's got cat ears thrown in for good measure, and a dozen other superfluous details. btw that metal visor? Digimon as heck.

Also, was the "can be any time" gimmick really so awesome they had to do it twice? Like yeah Arceus cool cool I get it whatever. But we done that, so why are we doing it again? Silvally is practically a Legendary anyway, he's just a shitty Arceus.

Sorry, dude. I'm more interested in what the hell Pokemon you took those grasshopper ass lookin' legs from, than whatever monster mash you've got going on. But at least you ditched the headgear.


Overall: 3/10

No. 772: Type: Null

Error 404 Type Not Found

I'm not playing that new Digimon game, am I? Is this really being passed off as a Pokemon? Sure, it's essentially treated like a legendary in terms of the story, where it was the result of experiments (similar to Mewtwo), but even so - this monster mash on chicken legs is not at all what I expected from Alola.

It seems almost redundant to point out how silly it looks to have armadillo plates, a Zora tail, some insect-like forearm, a chicken's crest, and some dang ass UFO helmet all stuck on top of I guess a dog's body. Because they set out to create a garbage pile of random parts, and succeeded! Well done! Why'd you do it?

That's not to say a conglomeration of parts can't look good, but Type: Null (oh how I hate that name) certainly doesn't. The strangest helmet in the world is partially to blame, it has so much higher concentration of detail than anything else it draws the eye, and then only afterwards you realize that this thing has a million dull, washed out colors. It's looking like the DC Cinematic Universe reboot of some other, more colorful, less angsty Pokemon. (which it kinda is, but we'll get to that later)

I'm tempted to give it a Score: Null, but it ain't THAT awful. Just regular awful.


Overall: 2/10

No. 25b: Alolan Pikachu

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

Alolan Pikachu is straight-up terrifying. They claim that the tropical climate made it grow taller, but a Pikachu should NOT have those proportions. Looking like a Captain Tsubasa character.

More disconcerting is the fact that the only moves Alolan Pikachu learn are Stomp, Spit-up, and Hyberbeam. Literally nothing else. They don't even lean Stockpile! What the shit are they spitting up!?

Honestly, I have to assume Gamefreak just wanted to give children nightmares with this one. And the less said about the random backpack, the better. Get away from me, you Dora the Explorer ass lanky motherfucker.


Overall: 1/10