No. 957: Tinkatink

in the pink

 

the concept of a baby running around with a rattle made out of metal, whacking things and causing trouble, is terrifying. Little poopy pants babies should not be trusted with heavy dangerous objects. I think we should put Tinkatink in timeout until she can learn to behave.

Design-wise, my issue here is that Tinkatink is too abbreviated. Like, this line is always going to be gremlin-mode, but the absolute lack of a torso here looks really weird compared to the size of the arms.


Overall: 3/10

No. 946: Bramblin

I'm a Bramblin' Man

 

It's funny how in Pokemon, the desert areas are almost always associated with Ghost-types (as well as Ground). "Ancient ruins hidden by the sand" seems to be the theme, although in this case I think the reasoning is that it's like a lonely tumbleweed rolling through a deserted western town... a ghost town, if you will.

But, I fear Bramlin might be my Vanilluxe. I liked that icy bastard, but where other people said "oh my god its literally just an ice cream cone" I see Bramblin and think "oh my god its literally just a tumbleweed". Which isn't accurate, I know - a real tumbleweed wouldn't have so much empty space inside, much less any floating eyes.

But that just makes me think, is a tumbleweed really that interested to be the entire concept? It's Ghost-type, but I don't see much spookiness. If anything, the shape reminds me of Chandelure, and then I'm thinking about a much cooler Pokemon. Which is also an object-mon, but for some reason it's different. I liked Minior, too, which is also very similar. Not sure why Bramlin just leaves me so cold.

idk, I think it could have used a jaunty cowboy hat, or maybe it should be a little imp running around inside the tumbleweed-cage, like a hamster ball.

Overall: 4/10

No. 942: Maschiff

the angriest doggy in the world

One of the niches nobody talks about is the "basic route 1 mammal, except its DARK". Like, in what world is Poochyena and Purrloin so damn evil that they have to be Dark-type, instead of Normal? Is it just so that they can get STAB from using Bite? I mean, it's a bit of early type diversity so I can't say I mind, but.

Maschiff looks like a smacked ass. I don't like his beady little Gen-2 eyes, or the way he has to talk out the side of his mouth like Cerebus the Aardvark. Also, there's just something about his color scheme that I don't like.


Overall: 3/10

No. 939: Bellibolt

 my eyes are up here

Bellibolt doesn't even look like a final evolution. It's gotta be the awkward middle stage, right? We've got a badass electric Poliwrath coming up next, right? No? Ah, well shit.

The elephant in the room is the eye-cheeks situation. See, you would think that its eyes are the big eyeballs on the sides of its head where a frog's eyes normally go, but actually it's the goofy little face in the middle! Those aren't nostrils, they're eyeballs! Don't you feel tricked?

Well, yep, you really tricked me, Bellibolt! I almost didn't realize you're just a green Lubba from Super Mario Galaxy 2. idk, it just makes me wonder what the point is. To give little kids and annoying adults something to "um, actually" their friends about? It doesn't make the actual design better, in fact it just confuses what ought to be a decent electric Chansey pastiche.

See? isn't that just better? The shape is fine, it's a round bouncy friend. But we get rid of the weird eye-cheeks, and make the actual eyes more alive, instead of looking like the real face is a flat decal sticker. Now I dislike the original even more, because I've had a glimpse of what could have been.

Overall: 3/10

 

P.S. what if the belly is the REAL eyeball???

No. 933: Naclstack

btw NaCl is Sodium Chloride, the chemical formula for "salt", in case you haven't had it explained 4000 times by now

Remember NakNacks? Those weird blocky dudes from the early 2000s, where you were supposed to stack them or collect them or possibly play some sort of game with them (it was never clear to me)? Well, Naclstack doesn't look like them at all, aside from having blocky parts. I just wanted to see if anybody else remembered those, or if it was my own imagination.

Naclstack is more animate than Nacli, which brings him up from "poorly-conceived" to merely "ugly". I just don't like his Minecraft ass.

Overall: 4/10

No. 931: Squawkabilly

 these guys only give you 1 gold coin when you spray them

It's been a while since I've gotten to complain about another useless Normal/Flying type. Corviknight was Flying/Steel, Toucannon was actually cool, and Talonflame was Fire/Flying. After years of generic flying feathery assholes, Gamefreak finally figured out the secret to making good birds was to make them NOT just a basic bitch Normal/Flying bird.

So it fills me with a mixture of nostalgia and ire to report that Squawkabilly sucks. I like a pompadour, but its become depreciated in recent years. And I don't care about the multi-color gimmick, because Squawkabilly isn't even good enough to want to collect 1, much less the whole set.

The design isn't offensive, and in fact I appreciate how it hones closer to classic design sensibilities with the complex feather arrangements and detailed feet, but it's still just so boring.

Overall: 4/10

No. 924: Tandemaus

two of them 

Sanrio's latest mascot characters are adorable. Well, to be accurate, they're inspired by the Sylvanian Family toys, but the point is these lil' fellas are cute.

But at the same time... oddly creepy. They have that dead-eyed doll stare. I would hate to own one of these and wake up in the middle of the night to find them standing on my dresser, looking at me.

Also, the two-tone coloring is too subtle. I honestly didn't even know they had coloration until seeing their artwork, in-game it just comes across as solid white due to how small the models are most of the time.

Overall: 4/10

No. 921: Pawmi

2X PIMPY 3X BAPE

Pawmi looks like one of those intensely inbred pit bulls, or maybe an over-inflated Pikachu. Every aspect of it looks puffed up. Bro is the size of a jelly donut and likely to be squished like one.

I'll give it props for bringing back that type of glossy eyes, though. Feels like a throwback design element to the older gens, which is appropriate for a Pika-clone.

Overall: 4/10

No. 919: Nymble

Jack be Nymble

The worst thing about Nymble is that it's so Goddamn tiny that I keep running into it in the wild by accident.

The second worst thing about Nymble is that its eyes look like it's constantly on the verge of tears, eyes blurring and about to cry.

The third worst thing about Nymble is that... well, maybe there isn't one. But I can't think of a "best thing" about Nymble, either. Those wings are kinda weird? Cuz they're actually legs? Is that worth any points?

Overall: 3/10

No. 915: Lechonk

 no match for Guybrush Threepwood, mighty pirate!

Every route, we get a boring ass Normal type rodent in the early routes. Nobody likes them, nobody uses them, and yet they persist. Of course, last time it was a sheep - not a rodent, not even by the loosest approximation. Neither is a pig, and perhaps it's no coincidence that both Wooloo and Lechonk have been better than the usual fare.

I mean, it's still nothing great, let's be honest. I used to throw these suckers into the ocean in Wind Waker by the bushel. But at least it's not another groundhog-adjacent vermin. 

Overall: 4/10

No. 912: Quaxly

Todomatsu lookin ass

I think copyright laws are pretty dumb most of the time, and overly stringent. That said, I kinda wish Disney would come along and copyright strike this Donald Duck ripoff right out of the game. I hate looking at him and his silly little hat. Quaxly looks like the annoying Animal Crossing villager who moves to your town and refuses to leave no matter how many times you hit him with a net.

Overall: 3/10

No. 910: Crocalor

back to awkward middle stages

So when I first saw this guy, I thought it was a jaunty sombrero. Fitting, given the Latin flair in Fuecoco's name and the Dia de los Muertos theme that Skeledirge ends up with. But in this artwork, it really doesn't look like a sombrero at all. Probably because it's intended to be a nest, for an egg.

And yeah, it could be both a hat AND a nest, but it's kinda disappointing because big wide-brimmed sombreros are awesome and birds are dumb. But I guess it explains where the bird comes from for Skeledirge.

if it sounds like I'm already trying to move along to the next evolution, it's because Crocalor is a dumpass who doesn't even have a cool hat.

Overall: 3/10

Hisuian Qwilfish

I swear I saw this in a New Super Mario Bros. game

Sometimes, they revisit iconic Pokemon and remix them into cool new regional forms. Other times, they pluck unpopular Pokemon from obscurity and try to rebrand them in the hopes of getting somebody, anybody, to care about them. Hisuian Qwilfish is the latter.

It's Dark/Poison now, and makes a big deal out of being Poisonous with its new signature move Barb Barrage, which is confusing because it was already Water/Poison. being Dark is the new part, but that's not where the emphasis lies?

The coolest thing about Hisuian Qwilfish is that it has the number 9 on its tail, representing the grand total of Qwilfish fans in the entire world.

Overall: 3/10

No. 899: Wyrdeer

Yeah, I've been saying for a while that they should make Stantler an Ice-type, we don't have any reindeer Pokemon and -

oh. it's Normal/Psychich, not Ice at all? I guess that's more of a "wise old sage" beard than a "Santa Claus" beard. Well, that's disappointing.

Although, I may have to give points for being a reliable steed during most of Arceus: Legends. The way it handles like an ATV helps to open up the game in a big way, jumping up hills and out-running hostile Pokemon. That's important, because an open-world game like this lives or dies on "is it fun to traverse the environment".

On the other hand, I don't like its jowls. And the horns have gotten too abstracted from the "false eyes" gimmick, now they're like antennae for broadcasting psychic attacks? Actually hold up, that sounds sick. Maybe Wyrdeer might be cool, actually??? But it still feels like a waste when Girafarig already exists in Gen 2 as the Normal/Psychic ungulate. 

Overall: 4/10

Hisuian Voltorb

ballz

Before we get to the evaluation, can we unpack something first? Apparently, Pokemon aren't turned into pure energy and stored in Pokeballs as data. No, they're actually literally shrunk down and captured inside. Despite their ability to be stored in the PC and traded via network connection, apparently the canon truth is that there's literal tiny Pokemon sitting in each ball. And the ball itself... teleports?

To make matters worse, this shrinking is actually an inherent ability of the Pokemon, not something done via technology to reduce the space between their atoms or whatever. At least, according to Pokemon Legends: Arceus. That's right, every Pokemon just possesses the ability to shrink itself when in danger, and we exploit that reflex to put them in Pokeballs.

now I don't know about you, but I find that information wildly upsetting and changes basically everything about how I look at these games. What a nightmare.

Speaking of nightmares, it was generally understood that Voltorb is based on the Pokeball, right? It's like a mimic, and that's its camouflage. But then Hisuian Voltorb predates the Pokeball, they're a recent invention and Voltorbs/Electrodes have lived in Hisui for ages already. Which suggests that the Pokeball is actually based on the Voltorb, not the other way around.

This is too much for me, I can't even do a rating right now

Overall: mind blown/10

Hisuian Decidueye

You'll have to excuse me, I've been battered with Street Fighter news lately and can't think of anything else 

This artwork is very flattering to Hisuian Decidueye, who most of the time just looks like this:

And here's the thing, I get it. Samurai wear straw short-capes over their shoulders, and straw hats low over their eyes. That's cool! But then they also wear long flowing robes, or mighty armor, not just two long-ass legs sitting out and about. The scary thing is that owls are build like this in real life, they just have feathers such that we only think of them as having cute stubby little legs. So watch out for that.

anyway, while I could be down for a Grass/Fighting road runner, the result looks more like an upside-down teacup with legs running around. The proportions on the artwork are better than in-game, so the design isn't totally lost. Keeping its arms more "out", or longer feathers to create a full cloak, would have worked better.

Overall: 4/10

Hisuian Samurott

so how bout that Scarlet/Violet trailer, huh? 

Vanilla Samurott kinda sucked, and Hisui hasn't treated him much better. He's still fundamentally dumb, with a "samurai" theme made incomprehensible due to lack of any iconic samurai motifs, and a "shell sword" gimmick made  awkward due to being on all fours.

the new Dark typing gives his armor some extra spikes and flair, but it's too little too late. They had an opportunity to really redeem the design, maybe go Water/Fighting and have him stand upright, but alas. I'm gonna dock this one even lower than the original, too. Just for refusing to make any improvements whatsoever.

Overall: 3/10

Piers of Spikemuth

God, wasn't it embarrassing when Piers starts to sing in his concert, but because there's no voice acting he's just shouting silently?

Honestly that little detail alone irreparably harmed Piers in my eyes. I know he's supposed to be this punk rocker, but I can't shake the image of him shaking his fist and lip-syncing into the microphone. So I'll try to give him a better examination here.

My man has the hair of an Octoling from Splatoon and the body of Midosuji from Yowamushi Pedal. That's a cool jacket and shoes, but those knobby knees aren't a good look. Piers is a victim of the need to wear something sports-related, so he ends up looking like one of those anemic marathon cyclists, but with a bunch of spiky accessories.

I think he's almost cool, but the hair is too alien and those knees are so distracting I don't even feel like giving him points for being involved with the storyline. Although it's admirable how he competes without using Dynamax, because it's a bullshit mechanic. 

His logo is just Team Yell, because they're actually just trainers from Spikemuth, but that's something we'll get into when we review the "Evil Team" themselves. For now, suffice to say that Piers falls a distant second to his sister.

Overall: 4/10

Allister of Stow-on-Side

Shy Guy

Allister is the first one for whom the sports theme falls apart. He's a weirdo masked kid with baggy sleeves, who needs suspenders to hold up his shorts. Maybe they'd stay up on their own if he didn't weigh them down with those chunky Pokeball-holders, but. My man has clearly never been involved in athletic activity in his life. He has the body of a heavy reader, not a heavy lifter.

And usually I'm all about people with cool masks, but Allister isn't cool enough to deserve that respect. He's a shy nerd, nothing more. Get outta here with your frilly shoes.

And we're not even going to talk about the Black Sperm logo he's trying to use.

Overall: 3/10

Gigantamax no. 28: Rillaboom

my college roommate was briefly in a band called "Our Band Has Three Drummers", and the genre of music they played is what I would describe as "Loud".

that is to say, Rillaboom makes me anxious to see a drum set that large. I don't think it's healthy for the environment. Its also another one of those weird ones where the actual Pokemon doesn't grow much, but it gets this new equipment? Idk, I think if you're making a giant version of your gorilla Pokemon, you could do something along the lines of that other famously large ape, King Kong.

Or you could give him the drum kit from Satan and let him go to work

Overall: 400/1000