Molayne of the Alola Elite Four

 may as well get string bean out of the way, too

While a retired Trial Captain in SM, Molayne takes a spot on the Elite Four in USUM. But he's still dressing like it's a day off, you gotta have more flash than that! You specialize in Steel types, at least dress like Otacon or something and go with the technician style.

Instead, he looks like Steven Merchant by way of Professor Layton.

Overall: 1/10

Ryuki of the Alola Elite Four

this guy kinda fell through the cracks when I was doing my trainer reviews a few years ago, so I'll review him here

Once you beat the Alolan League and become Champion, you can face "Challengers" in place of Kukui as the final battle. And most of those challengers are just the other trainers from the story, but also this dude, Ryuki, who comes from another region and wants to apply for the job as Dragon Gym-leader once the league gets off its feet.

Would have been cool to see that in USUM, huh! Instead, he's just this random traveling dude who maybe doesn't count? Which is a shame, because he freaking rocks. All you Dragon trainers out there need to show up with AT LEAST this amount of raw energy if you want to compete.

My boy has spikes on top of spikes, he turned his collar into some sort of maw attacking his chest, and his eyes glow white with fierce power. I do question the wisdom of leaving just your thumbs out of your gloves, even if you want to play that guitar, because I thought you needed ALL the fingers for that. But the little zettai ryouiki going on? kind of slutty, but I think that's okay

Overall: 9/10

No. 809: Melmetal

oh lawd he comin

It's really neat how this is another magnetic Steel type that combines to evolve, but doesn't feel like a Magneton ripoff in the slightest. It's also a "dozens of tiny Pokemon fuse" evolution, but doesn't look totally stupid like Zygarde.

But I love this Plasma Wraith looking son of a gun. Big shoulders are always in vogue, as are equally big smashing hands. Aint got no fingers, we don't need those. You think Melmetal will be shaking hands with anybody? playing cards? signing autographs? Hell no. His hands are for punching and nothing else.

also he's immune to bullets, because he would just catch them with that nut in his stomach and let them pass through without doing damage.


Overall: 9/10

No. 808: Meltan

Love me some of that 808


It was pointed out that I never actually reviewed these guys, who came awkwardly late to the 7th Gen. I lost track of these slippery bastards, because they aren't present in the game when I play it, and I'm not tuned into the movies anymore. But here's Meltan!

First, lemme say that I really like the reflections on this artwork. That subtle gold reflecting near its head is really making my day. This is why I want to wait on official illustrations for the Gen 8 Pokemon - models are nice, but the drawings are often better, and capture something about the spirit or personality of the Pokemon that a static model can't!

Anyway, Meltan is cute. I'm not bothered by the superficial resemblance to Ditto, and if anything it's RPG tradition to have a slime and a metal slime. The way it creates an eye out of the negative space in the nut is clever.

btw, does anybody else have a compulsion to press down on its head and squish its body, making it ooze out the sides like when you use too much glue? Just me? ok


Overall: 7/10

No. 807: Zeraora

yare yare daze

hey look its' Eletctric Lucario wha thef uck do youo want I''m durnk


 Overall:
7

No. 806: Blacephalon

who's this clown?

I think I talked about clowns before, when I covered Piedmon in my Digi-tober event. Basically, I said that I tend to like Japan's take on the platonic ideal of "clown", since they wrap it up with harlequins and jesters and other fun stuff, instead of murder and hip-hop like America inexplicably does.

So does Blacephalon continue that trend? He's certainly not murderous or hip-hoppy. He throws his head around and it explodes, which is always fun. Reminds me of those guys from the Hunchback of Notre Dame, at the Festival of Fools. I'm not sure about the way it's rendered though - nothing else in the game escapes the hard outline, even fire and other effects are rendered with their own colored hard edge. So that's just weird, and not in an UB sort of way, more like a "did you accidentally delete the wrong layer before you saved the image?" sort of way.

Blacephalon is weird, and that's okay. His knees look like they should snap, and that head is irritating, but the concept is pretty good.


Ultra Grade: B-

No. 805: Stakataka

Jenga: the Pokemon

another reference that will be lost to non-Japanese, but Stakataka resembles not just a brick structure but specifically the base of a Japanese castle. It's a neat idea that it's a colony, too. I'm reminded of how the blocks moved around in Laputa, on that ancient technology shit.

but the thing I wonder is, what if you just capture ONE of them? can you take it home and have a lil' block friend? What if you only need like 4 blocks, so they can make tetris shapes? What if you have multiple entire Stakatakas (Stakataki?) and combine them together, can you build a modern-day Tower of Babel and rip the Pokegods from their thrones?

Clearly, future research is necessary.


Ultra Rank: B

Aether Foundation of Alola

You know, going into this game, I was prepared for them to be the straight up Good Guys, because I didn't trust a Pokemon game with any sort of narrative nuance whatsoever.

So I wanted the Skull Grunts' shoes, but I need the Aether employees' shoes. I love the all-white look, they're futuristic in a very Apple or SpaceX sort of way. The gold accents are a bold choice, since sometimes white can eat it up and keep it from standing out, but they work it. The only miss here is the pocket-pouches, which are too large even for Rob Liefeld. Downsize by 50% and we'd be perfect.

Employees: 9/10


Wicke is thicker than a snicker, walking around in her Fuck-You-Up heels like your aunt when she's 8 margaritas deep into the luau. Reminds me of Velma from Scoopy-Doo, or more accurately reminds me of all those thirsty sexxxy Velma fan-arts you see all over the place. Wicke has a fun design, and communicates her role as the only actually trustworthy member of the Foundation.

Wicke: 10/10


Now Faba is lowkey the most extra one in the whole foundation. My man showed up to work with Flygon goggles. You know he don't need that sort of eye protection. You know he don't need to read shit out of the corner of his eye like a damn chameleon. How are they even staying on? They appear to just be grafted to his skin. Maybe they're vacuum sealed. Also he kinda reminds me of Adder from Advance Wars.

Faba: 10/10


Winner of the best Mother-of-the-Year award since Ragyo Kiryuin, it's Lusamine. And in an organization filled with bad bitches, she is without a doubt the baddest bitch of them all. Look at that strut, that figure, those confidently toned arms, that hair which forms a solid cone behind her. She's like Lady Gaga but with the entrepreneurial drive of Oprah and the budget of Jeff Bezos. She's also a terrible human being and it felt good to have a villain I actually hated for once in a Pokemon game. I'll never forgive her for what she did to poor Lillie. And Gladion too, but screw him.

Lusamine: 10/10


the Aether Foundation make a great foil for Team Skull, and show us the real villains aren't the street-level thugs (who are as much a victim of their environment as they are their own poor choices) but the gigantic corporations, operating outside of government supervision with supposed tech luminaries leading their supposedly altruistic efforts, as they work to enslave us all.

Or to look at it another way, Pokemon made PETA the bad guys in BW, now it's environmentalists! They just really don't give a shit.

I'm actually kinda surprised I came out of this giving almost everybody a perfect score, but this seems like a really iconic crew! It's a shame USUM just sort of shifted the plot beats laterally without making it any better or being a true sequel or anything, because I wanted to see MORE of Aether and Team Skull.


Overall: 10/10

No. 804: Naganadel

don't tell nobody, but I used to be terrified of needles as a kid.

So I'm still waiting for a Poison/Dragon type that looks like Magellan's hydra from One Piece, instead of a cybertronic syringe or whatever the heck Dragalge was. But, I suppose we'll make do.

Naganadel looks like a Yu-Gi-Oh monster, is the thing. I get that it's an Ultra Beast, and theoretically a Legendary, and maybe those look more Yugi-esque than normal Pokemon. But still, Naganadel looks like it has 1700 attack and 1100 defense, and is a 3-star Tuner Monster that has some weird synergy that involves sending your hand into your opponent's graveyard to banish spells from your deck so that you can summon 16 monsters in one turn or some bullshit.

no, I'm not bitter, what are you talking about.

Anyway, it's alright, but somehow not crazy enough to be a good Ultra Beast? idk, I don't get the "otherworldly" feeling.

Ultra Grade: C+

Team Skull of Alola

I love these knuckleheads SO much you guys


It's taken us this long to get an "evil team" with some real Urban Flavor, but Team Skull dishes it out in spades. They keep it monochromatic except for their cotton-candy-colored hair, and keep it fresh with silver bling and sick-ass all-white shoes. I wanna cop those shoes, for real. Oh, and check out how the skull hat they wear has one eye all droopy, because it's attitude! And they spit hot #barz at you! They're the best!!

Grunts: 10/10


Now, Plumeria... Plumeria's the sort of girl to make a man wanna drop out of college and become a single father, if you know what I mean. I like the way she incorporates the X pattern of the grunt's shirts into her top, and the skull barettes are a nice touch. And while most Bad Girls like her would have a tramp stamp, she's taken the initiative to get it nice and large right across her navel. That's the sort of commitment to the team that you look for in a lieutenant.

Plumeria: 10/10



but it wouldn't be Team Skull without the Big Bad Boss who beats ya down and beats ya down and never lets up. That's right, I'm talkin about your boy and mine, Guzma. You can tell he's the boss because his necklace is GOLD. The X's on his pants feel kinda tacked on, but outside of that he's perfect. Dude looks like trouble, he's like Enzo Amore but without the meth (Plumeria reminds me of Carmella, now that I think of it). And I loved his role in the story, too - seems like a petty thug, but he's actually being used by the true evil organization.

My personal theory is that he gave up golf after never being able to beat Kahili, and that's what got him so salty and bitter in the first place. Oh, and he loves Bug types. And I lowkey ship him with Lusamine shut up. Point is, he's perfect.

Guzma: 10/10



Their logo, by the way, is an S twisted into a kinda-sorta skull shape. It's honestly the weakest part of the whole team, but that's okay because everything else is on point. The designs are great, their leaders have great personalities (I love the detail about Plumeria challenging for the Elite 4 title in the post-game, proving that she can be a serious threat if she cleans up her act!), their theme music rocks, and they have a logical part in the story. Nanu's endless losing battle with them is something else you could really go in depth with the headcanon if you wanted to. And unlike any other evil team before them, their lack of a clear plan is totally fine - because there IS no plan! They just wanna hang out and be thugs!

Overall: 10/10

No. 803: Poipole

[WWE Eric Bischoff theme] I'm back... and better than ever!

So Poipole is a new Ultra Beast introduced in USUM. This is actually the first instance of sequel games introducing brand-new Pokemon not found in the previous game's code. That's pretty cool! I was relying on this sort of thing to make USUM worth buying!

Except... it's essentially a Legendary. It evolves, but you get it very late in the game, and the evolution requirement is to take it to the Move Learner at the Elite 4, which is right around the corner because again - you're late in the game. So any thrill of adding a Legendary to your party early and leveling it up as you adventure is lost. They may as well just hand you the final form.

All that aside, is this thing any good? Despite the name sounding like Curly from the Three Stooges saying Prince's favorite color, I kinda like the little bugger. The techno theme is unusual for a Poison-type, but somehow its head seems medical to me. Like injectors? So dealing in chemicals and stuff makes sense.

Ultra Grade: B+

Kukui of the Alola Elite Four

The cream rises to the top, brother oh yeah

I thought Prof. Kukui was great, the first professor with an actual personality and role in the story since... maybe ever? I mean yeah I remember the other profs, because I make a damn Pokemon blog so I'm legally obligated to keep that minutia in my brain, taking up vital space that could be used to store things like my wife's birthday and the age of my children, but the point is that they kinda sucked.

And Kukui doesn't suck. I caught all the Macho Man/Ric Flair references he was throwing down, which play into my ground-breaking theory: Prof. Kukui IS the Masked Royal. I know it's hard to believe, but I think if you look at all the facts, you can see where I'm coming from.

anyway, having him play the role of the Champion for your first time attempting the Elite 4 makes sense - the thing is just cobbled together anyway, and really the purpose is just to crown you Champion, so why not play the role of final gatekeeper? On a side note, spinning further attempts as you "defending" your title against a variety of different challengers was brilliant. Especially when Youngster freaking Tristan steps up to the plate.

as for Kukui's design, it's fine. Perfectly fits a casual science bro who's as likely to jump in the water or wrestling ring as he is to conduct research. And that hat is just absolutely the sort of lame company hat that you're forced to wear. He definitely has a matching T-shirt that has the same logo and a slogan like "Alola - Because We Care" on it that he keeps buried in his closet. But mainly I love the guy for his personality and role in the story.


Overall: 10/10

Kahili of the Alola Elite Four

more like Elite Fore amirite


This time, the Elite Four wasn't even set up until the end of the game. As such, the Professor called for the best in the land, and assembled a dream team. The Kahunas are there, except Nanu was invited, but was too based to show up. And Ponii Island doesn't really have a Kahuna. So also this heretofore unmentioned golfer chick is there to make up the numbers.

I can't decide if I like this whole format or not. On one hand, it's neat to know the reputations of the E4 members before you fight them, but maybe rematches are boring? Give me new characters! Or at least make them NPCs I know, but haven't fought.

As for Kahili hereself, she's alright! Wish we'd seen the actual golf course in-game, but she looks like a total pro, and connecting Flying types to Golf via the Eagle/Birdie terminology is genius. What's up with the Push-pop colored club, though? (don't yell at me, I know it's Toucannon flavored)

It's odd that she's the only fresh face, but I like her design well enough. Could use a little... something extra to really sell that she's a step above your average Ace Trainer or Gym Leader, but that's a hard ask when the rest of the E4 is literally composed of Gym Leader equivalents who didn't dress up for the occasion at all, lazy bums.


Overall: 7/10

Hapu of Poni Island

I was doing holiday things, and in Japan, and other stuff! Sorry for the break, let's get back to it and finish this stuff off, in the hopes of a Gen 8 announcement this year.


I was kinda disappointed with how Poni island just seemed like an afterthought. It's my beloved Kauai, yet they made it a dry, uninhabited canyon without really even proper trials. Still, Hapu is cute, so I guess it balances out.

I like her eyebrows and intense stare, she may be smol, but she tuff. Doesn't really look like a kahuna, but that's kind of the point - in fact, she doesn't actually take up the reins officially until you meet her in the story. But the design is nice, with great use of repeating rounded shapes. I want to put her in my pocket and then roll her down a hill!


Overall: 8/10

Nanu of Ula'ula Island

[anime villain voice]: NANU!?


Nanu's cheekbones have exactly as much definition on his face as his nose does, which would be frightening in real life. He also has the sunken eyes of a man who stopped caring about anything a long while ago. He ran out of shits to give so long ago, he's forgotten what a shit even looks like. Nanu's primary motivation in the game is simply to get all these young kids off his lawn, both Team Skull and the player. He just wants you gone, so he can get back to drinking away the pain in peace.

Notice that he's the only Kahuna you can't battle in the postgame, because he did the bare minimum required to fulfill his obligations and then fucked off.

As such, I love him to bits, and I think his design is pretty cool, too. Reminds me of an Advance Wars CO.


Overall: 9/10

Olivia of Akala Island

luv me some Beyonzo

How in the world has this woman not managed to land herself a man? It would be one thing if she just had super-high standards, but from the game it seems like she's bizarrely unpopular? Talk about immersion-breaking.

Anyway, I'm surprised they hadn't made the connection between a Rock-specialist and jewelry, but it makes a lot of sense. I'd like to see more jewel-like Rock types myself, instead of gray-brown granite uggos. But that's beside the point, and the point is that Olivia is awesome.

See, this is how you color-coordinate a pink/brown outfit, Ilima. Take notes, child, the queen is teaching. She rocks that outfit but good, the accessories are on point, and she got legs longer than an Alolan Exeggutor. (Not an Alolan Exeggutor's legs, I mean, I was comparing them to the overall body length, and by "them" I mean her legs, and you know what? I'll stop there.)


Overall: 10/10

Hala of Melemele Island

*pours one out for Bruddah Iz*

Remember how people thought that Lusamine was gonna turn into Pheromosa and Lilie was Nihilego? Then they tried to come up with further justifications why the other UBs would be people as well? And Hala was supposed to be Guzzlord? Boy, people are stupid.

Anyway, I like Hala. He's got a cool grandpa vibe to him, like you can tell he used to be a rockin' badass back in the day, but now he's mellowed out. He grew a gut from all that easy living, but he could still whip your ass if he catches you misbehaving.

I'm not so sure I get "Fighting" from him, though. But the contrast between him and the Trial Captains is good, reminds you that this is the Kahuna, he's on another level.

Bonus question: What's up with Fighting gym leaders being islanders? Brawly, Chuck, and now Hala. (I realize everyone in Sun/Moon is an islander, shut up)


Overall: 7/10

Mina of Poni Island

dude weed lmao

Mina is stoned out of her gourd 100% of the time, and I'm not ruling out paint fumes as the culprit. Look how she painted her face - clearly with a wide swing of the spray can, such that it even got her hair in there, too. Or maybe she was attempting a mustache, but got it over the bridge of the nose by mistake? It's possible.

And I have to say, Mina not even having a trial, and everything else about Poni island, made it really feel like an afterthought from Gamefreak. Which is like, what the shit, that's my home, that's Kaua'i. The Garden Isle. And you made it a deserted canyon? And now in USUM there's some crazy evil cloud over it? I don't like it! Not one bit!

At least Mina has some comfy-looking shoes, but honestly I wouldn't trust her with a paint bucket, much less an important job like Trial Captain. dopey girl can't even keep her hair out of the paint.


Overall: /10

Acerola of Ula'ula Island

who's the little girl, living in the haunted mansion~

Acerola is adorable, and I think it's a shame that she's apparently so poor she has to wear a ragged dress like that. Poor thing, she's clearly had to patch it by hand! While those Aether fatcats sit in their ivory towers and let this poverty exist. And they say Pokemon exists in a communist, post-scarcity utopia world...

But I guess it works, because it's a great look for her! She's the fourth female, Ghost-themed major trainer we've had, but keeps it fresh. I really enjoyed her trial, too. And being the only Trial Captain invited to the Elite Four means she's like the strongest of them, right? Only held back from being Kahuna due to age, perhaps?


Overall: 10/10

Sophocles of Ula'ula Island

I hate you for ruining the online interaction system that worked so perfectly in XY with your dumb Festival Plaza bullshit

what kind of business does any little kid have being named Sophocles? Who the hell does he think he is? Tubby little Chunk from The Goonies piece of shit, messy bed hair having fatass bitch. Ain't no philospher.

Get outta here with that Pikachu tail scarf, you live on a damn tropical island, why do you need a scarf? And his legs are so stubby you can't tell if he's wearing shorts or pants. And that unibrow pissed me off, I wanna shave the middle so badly, that bump in the middle isn't natural. Actually, it makes his head look like one of those upside-down optical illusion faces:

Looking like an angry bald man with a squirtle mouth and scraggly neckbeard. Which isn't much better than his default look.


Overall: 1/10