Team Rocket of Kanto (and Johto)

As has been requested, I'm gonna do some more design reviews of the Evil Teams. I'd say the main content of this blog is pretty much over until Gen 7 happens, so I don't blame anybody who just tunes out. If you do, please remember NAPACE when that day comes! I guarantee I'll still have steaming hot opinions about the Pokemon in it. But for now, let's talk Grunts.

The Rocket Grunts designs are just goddamn perfect. Seriously, they're friggin' works of art. Logo is simple and recognizable, and they look both practical and somewhat threatening. Also, as Jessie and James proved, swapping the colors around for black-gloves-on-white-uniform is just as neat. I have seriously nothing bad to say about these classy peeps.

Grunts: 10/10


Team Rocket seems to have two tiers of executives - those that just wear fancier versions of the usual grunt uniforms, and those who get the inverted white models. Proton and Petrel are of the former, and they're pretty cool I guess. Not sure why Proton has gloves that go up past his elbows, though. One criticism I would give is that the orange and yellow lines, while not offensive, seem to kind of go against Rocket's monochromatic stylings - everybody else only uses black, white, and that trademark Rocket Red. Still, rather sharp outfits. Petrel gets the edge because of his cool hair and "as if I give a crap" swagger.

Proton: 7/10
Petrel: 8/10


With the top-level executives, we're back to the basic colors, but inverted - to show that they run this shit. there's a fan theory that Ariana is the mother of Mars (of Team Plasma) and the Rival (of gold/silver), and while there's nothing going for it aside from hairstyles, I'm willing to entertain it. Having an absent mom who is a crime boss explains why your Rival is such a little pissant.

Anyway, these two look great. They sport their R's on little breast-patches, as does the Big Boss himself, and share his look of a suit-coat with no lapels or tie. It's an odd, minimalist choice that I really like. The only thing "wrong" here, is that Ariana has a diamond on her pelvis for no reason.

Ariana: 9/10
Archer: 10/10


As for Giovanni, we all know he's a badass. I docked him points as a Gym Leader for not reppin' his Element, but as the boss of Team Rocket he's amazing. Refer to my older review here, but also remember I was looking at him through a different lens then.

Giovanni: 10/10


Anyway, the team as a whole feels very cohesive, and is probably the best Evil Team in the entire series. They come back for a rematch in the second generation, and it's just great fun beating them down a second time. I appreciate how their motivation was just "make money", because that's what a mafia-style criminal organization does. If you commit crimes in the name of your ideals, you're probably a terrorist or a politician.

Team Rocket Overall: 10/10

Karen of the Johto Elite Four

well, Bruno is still in there, and Koga moved up, then Lance is the f'reals champion this time, so...

Karen is pretty much all that's left for the Johto elite four. I think maybe I'll go back and tag the relevant Kanto people as Johto, actually.

But hey, Karen is up at bat - she uses Dark types, despite there being nothing remotely Dark about her appearance at all. dat midriff is nice, yeah, but yellow, white, and pale cobalt?? that's seriously said "Dark Type" to you? Karen, you need help.

I can dig her philosophy, though. to quote, "Strong Pokemon, weak Pokemon. That is only the selfish perception of people. Truly skilled trainers try to win with their favorites. I bathe in whipped cream." Now that speaks to me, I friggin love whipped cr- I mean, I really agree with the bit about using your favorites instead of focusing on what's the STRONGEST.

I guess that's my feeling on competitive games in general, I use Cody and Ibuki in SFIV because I like their stylings, despite the fact they aren't really super good. And I realize I'm not using the Smogon-approved best teams with all the IVs and EVs cranked out to the max when I play Pokemon, but I don't really care. Partly because the main game is easy enough that you don't need that shit, and also because I would rather use middling Pokemon I like, than a strong Pokemon I dislike. No matter how good they make Dunsparce, I'll never put that turd on my team.

though in fairness, there is a limit. Using an outright shitty Pokemon/character and then thinking you're cool beans when you lose because "lol well i was usin a low-tier team anyway not like u really won anythin lol" then that's asinine. If you're gonna be a low-tier hero, then actually be good at it, don't use that as a crutch to explain away all your losses.

I'll end this rant for now, because I've gone majorly off track. Karen looks like an Ace Trainer, not a Pokemon Master, much less a master of the Dark. points for her having the right idea, tho. and for dat
toned belly.

Overall: 4/10

Will of the Johto Elite Four

It's Wonder Maroon!

I'm gonna be honest - I never gave much thought to Will. I always just steamed past him with some Ghost or Dark types, and never looked back. So this is the first time I'm getting a good look at him.

and he's fancy as frig. mask, cravat, coat-tailed vest, dude looks like a stylish phantom thief who makes his classy entrance in the masquerade ball, stealing jewelry as well as hearts.

really, the only thing Will's lacking is a better name. I mean, shouldn't he be something like Esquavez? Bellisimo? or something else that sounds like it came from a Romance Language, but then got a makeover from Elton John?


Overall: 8/10

Clair of Blackthorne City

those hips... I would say Gamefreak doesn't know what they're doing to me right now, but I have the feeling they know exactly what they're doing to me right now.

Final Gym Leader in Johto is Blair, and she runs Dragon-types. Her Kingdra is especially awful, because it's only weak to Dragon, not even Ice. (but Fairy coming along soon would make that easier)

I like the color cohesiveness, and would accept her as a sea-serpant-themed Water trainer. But that cape really sells the Dragon in her. Also I dig the scale pattern going down her lovely sides there.


It's possible she's overdoing it a bit, being slightly more melodramatic than she needs to be, but I honestly don't mind it. Clair's the goddamn 8th Gym Leader after all, and she lives right in front of a goddamn dragon shrine, she's allowed to dress like an anime villainess if she wants to. As far as I'm concerned, she's perfect.


Overall: 10/10

Pryce of Mahogony Town

Pryce is one sassy old man

he's also a stylish old man, and that's what counts. longcoat and scarf, he's bundled up for some freaking winter storms. storms that he brings himself. and while that cane could be more hardcore, it still looks classy.

You know, I wonder if Pryce is like old rivals with Blaine. Maybe they had epic fire vs ice battles back in the day, but then they split up and live on opposite sides of the continent. But while Blaine is all out over-the-top fiery kickassery, Pryce perfers to take things on the subtle side. He's still going to destroy you, yeah, but he's going to do is in mocking silence. Then when you come up to him and ask for a rematch he'll smirk and offer you a nickel to go buy yourself a candy bar.

because that's how Pryce rolls.


His gym is pretty great, too. I've always liked the sliding puzzles in Pokemon. also, I hope you're proud of my for resisting the urge to spout ice-related puns nonstop like Arnold Schwarzenegger's second coming.

because while I'm more than capable of doing this, it raises my blood pressure too much. My doctor's told me to chill out.


Overall: 8/10

Jasmine of Olivine City

not sure what business this bitch has being the master of a lighthouse and caring for an Ampharos and then NOT being an Electric-type trainer

But given her design, I'm even more confused why she's Steel. I guess it's supposed to be like "the frail maiden actually uses the hardass pokemon wololo" but... I don't care? She looks vanilla as hell. Even more generic than Whitney, who actually uses Normal types.

I do like that her town had a little story arc to it, though. Instead of just showing up and fighting the leader, you had to get the medicine and all that stuff. so there's points there. I just think Jasmine herself is super super generic.


speaking of generic, take a look at that goddamn badge. christ, it's like they forgot to remove the placeholder.

I dunno you guys, so far no trainers have been outright terrible, but Jasmine is cutting it pretty dang close. She's a pushover in battle, too. forgettable and inane, she's saved from the absolute bottom of the barrel because her design looks nice and well put-together. It's just the sort of "nice" you expect to see in the background of a crowd scene, not on any major character, and certainly not a Steel-type gym leader.


Overall: 2/10

Chuck of Cianwood City

Well I think I managed to save August. Most prolific month since Spring.

And I'll try and keep it up, but you know why really keeps it up? Chuck.

Chuck is all about training and fighting, that's pretty much his life. He just wrestles his Pokemon in the surf and then lifts weights and then goes home to eat a home-cooked meal from his wife. It's pretty much my ideal life, I have to say. Except put "play video games" instead of "life weights". I'm better at the games.

Anyway, Chuck has the demeanor down pat, but his style honestly leave much to be desired. I mean, this fat bastard should lay off the home-cooked meals and work his abs some more. and we've already seen the raggedy pants look before, Bruno did it better.


His badge is pretty neat, though. I guess I just wish he wasn't such a fat bastard. Maybe he was super badass like 20 years ago, though.


Overall: 6/10

Morty of Ecruteak City

get it, Morty? like "mortician", latin stem mort meaning death? huh? huh?

yo, check out this cool cat. Morty rocks a scarf, and a purple one at that, and somehow doesn't look like a poof. I think it's the way his eyes are all like "yeah baby I'm so cool, you don't even know I'm cool" sort of thing

anyhow, nice color coordination here. Nice soul-flame-shaped pin. nice wrist-gauntlet things. nice bloody ragged ends on that scarf.


Morty is just making it all come together in a big way, here. He looks like a badass trainer, he looks like he uses some spooky shit, he checks all the style boxes. Nothing bad to say about this guy at all, I love him like a brother.


Overall: 10/10

Whitney of Goldenrod City

I'm glad these guys only really have one piece of art. makes it go a lot simpler.

I don't really like Normal types. I just don't see the point in a Pokemon who can only STAB, not Super-effective anything, and only has weaknesses.

but I do like Whitney. White and pink are a good fit for Normal, and the blue stockings and shorts just add an air of an unconcerned young girl. I mean, damn, look how happy she is. Nearly blissful. as if she doesn't know she's specializing in the worst type.


but the point is, she looks good, she looks Normal, and it all fits. She might not look like she should be in charge of her own gym, but that's her charm point, her youthful innocent look and all. also her gym is in the shape of a Clefairy, which clearly shows her interior design skills.



holy freaking shit do I hate her Satan-spawned Miltank with an ever-burning and implacable fire, though.


Overall: 8/10

Bugsy of Azalea Town

Welcome to the "dang, I didn't realize you were a man, sorry about that" club! You can sit over there next to Marth.

Now, I like the idea of Bugsy. Bug-catchers have been a staple of Pokemon games since the very beginning, and it makes sense that any Bug-styled Gym Leader would be just an expert bug-catcher.

So yeah, Bugsy is rocking that cub-scout look, he's got his utility survival pack on his hip. (complete with a Glass of Magnify, to identify and classify)


I also really, really like this badge. this is one of my favorites. it's a perfect circle, a stylized ladybug, it just works. calling it the Hive Badge instead of Ladybird Badge or something is ehh, but I don't really care.

Bugsy is a man (or at least he says he's a man) after my own heart. He even gets to use a Scyther, which is a incredible badass Pokemon to have at such an early point in the game. I just wish he looked a little cooler. longer shorts would help.


Overall: 7/10

Falkner of Violet City

you know, I think I might have to really step up my game if I'm going to get through all these trainers in time for XY...

Falkner looks a cool guy who doesn't afraid of anything. He's got a nice blue color scheme, and some odd combination of traditional-ass Japanese clothes, but all cut short to show off his neat gauntlets and ankle bracers.

however, it communicates literally nothing about him being a Pokemon trainer, Flying-type or otherwise.


maybe if he had, I dunno, feathers or some crap? or like a sword with a real feathery tassel on its hilt? something. maybe use his badge design as a family crest and plaster it on his clothes somewhere? cuz right now he honestly looks like he might be a jrpg character who specializes in Ice magic.


Overall: 3/10

No. 251: Celebi

Of Serebii.net fame, direct from Ilex forest, iiiiiiiiit's...

CELEBI!!

*applause*

okay, thanks for coming out tonight! So, Celebi, what are your talents?

Time-travel, eh? That's pretty neat! And you protect the forest, is that so. Now, Celebi was recently (as of 17 years ago) in a movie, so let's check it out!

wait, what? You... you're just running away. That's not helping the forest. Okay, and now you're time-traveling out of there, like a little bitch, and yanking this kid along with you. what the hell. Damn, I can't stand this shit, let's skip to the end.

...

what the SHIT BALLS!? You get captured easily, then get turned evil, and then make a shredded-wheat monster to wreck the forest. And then Ash has to save you, because you're powerless to do anything even remotely resembling helpful by yourself, and okay bad guy is beaten, but you're all dead. Now heal up, Celebi. Eat the damn berries. Look, Suicune even got his lazy ass up and freshened the lake. No? Still nothing? how about - aw, shit, what is going on. Alternate timeline Celebis are coming over to help you? Is this how we really do things here? Goddamn.

Yeah, take that kid back. WHA-WHA-WHA-WHAAAAAT?? The kid was Prof. Oak all along? that's kinda neat, but not enough to save this movie.


oh, Celebi, you're still here? Well, go home to another time period, I don't want you here. You are a little forest sprite, and in the same type as Mew. Except you fall drastically short. You are not as cute, have no personality, and are way too weak. I like your typing, and your design is okay, and Perish Song is a badass move, but shit, Celebi. That movie was crap.

Overall: 3/10

No. 250: Ho-oh

Hostess - that's the stuff!

Remember this dude? From way back in episode 1, flying over the rainbow. He is, in a way, the summation of the entire Kanto and Johto arcs. Ash started as a newbie, lost and confused in a strange world much larger than himself. After taking his first big step, befriending Pikachu, he looks up to see an unexplained mystery Pokemon. A living legend, that not even Prof. Oak can tell him about. Now, many episodes later, having placed in the Kanto League, he takes on the Silver Cup. But before that, what does he do? He protects the very flame of Ho-oh, no longer an apparition to be seen in the sky, but a very real and very tangible presence, that he is on level with. He chased down his dreams, and in in position to make them his own.

and then the shit brain goes and loses to someone running 3rd gen Pokemon. Asshole.

So, what do I really think about Ho-oh? I hate the fact that it doubles up on Legendary Bird typing. I've said before, in my Sunflora post, how I think there should be a Sun or Light type, and Ho-oh should be of that type.

in any case, it looks really cool, like a giant mythical legendary Phoenix, so that wins it some points, but Lugia is still much more awesome, and the damn redundant typing makes me angry.

Overall: 6/10

No. 249: Lugia

come at me bro

Lugia was a boss in that one movie. He talked the truth, was a cool guy, and didn't get beat like a weak bitch, unlike most legendaries in movies.

I really think his design works well. He's definitely smooth and sleek, like a killer whale. Then he has giant hand wings, and little flaps that fold down when he dives. God, I love those little tabs on the back.

Yeah, I see a lot of whale in Lugia. Which is why it confuses me that he's psychic-flying. I mean, that's probably a better typing, but he lives in the Whirl Islands. He comes out from a waterfall. Shouldn't he have SOME sort of water affinity? no?

well, he's still a neat Pokemon.

Overall: 8/10

No. 248: Tyranitar

okay here we go

Almost the opposite of the first psuedo-legendary line (Dratini-Dragonair-Dragonite), this one starts kinda weak, but then finishes strong.

Tyranitar is some sort of ancient Sumerian beast of war. He walks among other Pokemon like a leopard among lambs, slaughtering as he sees fit. He is a Dinosaur, a thunder lizard, in the very serious sense of the word. The world thunders as he walks, and all tremble before his mighty power. It is good that he is named "The Tyrant" because he is just so. None escape his wrath, and none dare question his rule.

now, Rock/dark isn't exactly the best typing, because I'd rather he kept the ground so he could earthquake STAB all over the place, but he's such a badass I don't even care.

also, points for noticing that his chest plate is Pupitar's head plate.

Overall: 10/10

No. 247: Pupitar

So, what's this piece of work supposed to be.

I didn't know dragons had a pupal stage. Or rock monsters, either, for that matter. Or dinosaurs. In fact, I'm pretty sure only bugs have pupal stages.

So, yeah. Pupitar. What the hell.

I know Larvitar should've keyed me into this whole metamorphosis thing that the -itar line is doing, but I don't like it. Why? Seriously, what possible reason is there for a dragonling to turn into a cocoon (as if we didn't already have enough) before turning into a giant dinosaur?

I totally like the horns, and the general design, but I really feel like it would fit better in some sort of badass horned moth evolutionary line.

Overall: 5/10

No. 246: Larvitar

Oh boy, another Rock/Ground type? Count me in!

Except wait, no, that's the opposite of what we need. Rock and Ground get lumped together so much, and they shouldn't have been trying to make more. x4 weakness to 2/3 of the started trio is kinda crappy.

but Larvitar doesn't even look rock/ground! He looks pissed, and moody. And if you've seen the anime, you know that's not just how he looks. Little bastard cries all the time, and hates everyone. He just misses his mommy, but still.

Couldn't they have made it rock/dark? I guess they were saving that for Tyranitar, but...

Larvitar at least looks intriguing. Actually, he looks like he should be part Dragon. Dammit, just what type do you want to be, Larvitar!?

Overall: 6/10

No. 245: Suicune

pronounced "soo-ee-koon", not "swee-koon"

and this is why we can't have nice things. We were this close to a perfect legendary trilogy, but like Spider-man 3, someone had to come along and ruin things for us.

I mean, Raikou and Entei are large, in charge, and obviously the top dog. Suicune is some sort of lame greyhound-leopard thing, which means it will be fast shit, but with thigh bones I could snap over my knee.

It bugs me that Suicune got an entire game to itself, because it it clearly the least interesting of the dogs. And remember its role in that Celebi movie? "Celebi is near death, quick Suicune, purify the water! That will save Celebi! Wait, this isn't helping at all, it made no difference! Oh good, something else is healing Celebi! I guess you were freaking uselss Suicune!"

seriously, screw this guy. And the thing on his back, what is that? what sort of cloud-related thing is that? mist? purple rain? Suicune, as a solo legendary you'd be sub-par, but compared to these other noble beasts, you fail big-time.


Overall: 1/10

No. 244: Entei

I have three reverse-holofoil Entei cards. Bite me.

Entei is like a giant big family dog. He carries little kids around on his back, and also barks at the bad men. Except his barks make fire explode.

I like his face-mask thing, like Raikou's. Also, I like how he isn't obviously a dog, he's got some quality about him that reminds me of a lion as well. It really makes him look mystical and legendary, like he's some sort of creature that is not like anything I know. Like the Forest God from Princess Mononoke, with the human face, toed feet, and antlers? That sort of feel, I guess.

And then his back is covered by smoke, which is clever. All in all, another excellent legendary.


Overall: 10/10

No. 243: Raikou

pronounced "rai-koh"

The legendary dogs were kind of a pain in the ass. You had to run around and weaken them down, then chase them around some more and throw balls at them. It got to the point where you almost wanted to just toss your frigging master ball at them, just to END IT, but NO, you knew you would have to use it later for something like Ho-oh in Silver.

anyway, I never even bothered to catch them all. I just didn't care enough. But I did make sure to catch Raikou, who is a thunder leopard dog with a storm cloud on his back.

He looks majestic and badass, and definitely fits the definition of "legendary". I only question calling them "dogs". I mean, Raikou looks more like a saber-tooth tiger.


Overall: 10/10