No. 975: Cetitan

WHITE WHALE
HOLY GRAIL

Cetitan looks freakin' awesome! As with Cetoddle, I'm on board with the concept and colors, but this guy is more proportional and looks like a badass. Just a big ol' tank of a Pokemon, smashing glaciers and kicking ass and not taking shit from anybody.

then

it opens its mouth. 

and ughhhh I really wish you hadn't done that! I assumed that all three spikes were on its forehead, and the jaw would open below them, but looking at how the underbelly is colored and how that line curves around, I guess I was trying to avoid seeing the truth. This guy's teeth are higher up than his eyeballs, which exist on a thin little flap of skin. Those big, cool horns? Also only anchored by a fragile bit of flesh, and arranged in a way that surely makes using that mouth for anything impractical.

I mean it's still pretty cool overall, but Cetitan loses several points just by openings its mouth.

 

Overall: 8/10 

No. 974: Cetoddle

Did you know that whales once had legs? They evolved backwards from wolves or something. Crazy shit.

I thought I liked this line when it was first revealed, but the more I look at this artwork, the less I like it. Which is a shame, cuz I want to like it! Land whales are cool, making it Ice is bold, the colors are great. But those arms seem waaay too long. I swear they weren't like that in the game.

And even worse is how its mouth looks like a child with a cleft lip (don't look it up, it's exactly what you're thinking). The single cartoon baby goo-goo-ga-ga tooth doesn't help, either. I've been doing more of these quick redesigns lately, because sometimes the change is so simple and obvious it's crazy they never looked like this in the first place, so here:

No change on the arms, but somehow without that abomination of a mouth causing my direct psychic damage, I don't seem to care about them anymore. Also I changed the tooth into classic Gen 1 fangs, to go along with its iconic gen 1 horn.

Alas, the actual Cetoddle looks like somebody was owo'ing so hard they permanent disfigured their mouth. (still cute when it keeps its mouth shut, tho)

 

Overall: 5/10 

Hisuian Avalugg

God of War type boss fight 

Hey, it's Avalugg! Everybody loves Avalugg, right? Well, would you love Avalugg even more if we made his legs dirty and stuck a snowplow to his face?

...no? you'd still respond with the same indifference you've always shown to Avalugg?

......oh well, I suppose it can't be helped! Hope you enjoy being 4x weak to Fighting and Steel!

Overall: 1/10

Melony of Chircester

forget Pikmin 4 I need HER 

Gamefreak gotta lot of nerve, making a stone-cold milf in the game and naming her Melony. Like how can I not make the obvious joke? But I'll resist, this is a Family blog, after all. (side note: anyone reading this with their family - there are probably better ways to spend your time together.)

I'm not sure if Frosmoth was designed first, or Melony, but they're perfect for each other. Big round soft maternal energy. She seems to have hooves instead of feet, but I can get over that. Just a really nice design, and check out the hidden triforce in her logo:

Whereas Bea and Allister are unconnected, aside from Ghost and Fighting being sorta opposites, Melony and Gordie have a cool little storyline, where she wanted him to become an Ice trainer and take over the gym, but he wanted to rock out as a Rock trainer. And depending on if you play Sword or Shield, I guess you see a different side of that argument.

Overall: 10/10

Gigantamax no. 8: Lapras

Eleven sea monsters surfing

Not much different here, is there? Just kinda a bigger Lapras with an icy barrier and slightly different shell. I think they definitely could have done more hear, like made icicles on the shell, or made the shell into a castle, something.

Do you think the ice crystals on that barrier are intended to look like musical notes? What melody would that be even, doesn't look like Megalovania or the ones from Close Encounters.

Nothing much happens here, but at least it doesn't ruin Lapras in any way.

Overall: 500/1000

Galarian Darmanitan

GORILLA TACTICS

No matter the region, this line stays winning. Galarian Darmanitan seems more chill (hah) than the OG, covering up that manic grin with a Santa Claus beard, and the flaming eyebrows with a wobbly afro. When viewed from behind, it makes the visual impression of a snowman, which is kinda nice I guess but feels a bit unnecessary considering the Zen Form this time is LITERALLY a snowman. So I would've done something else with the head, maybe just big frosty brows?

But still, it's a good design. and I appreciate the ability to turn off your brain and return to Monke with its ability, powering up a move but locking you into using ONLY that move. This can be combined with Choice Scarf to make it a goddamn terror.

But that's not all! The Zen Form gimmick returns, although I don't know if it's better than simply brute forcing things with Gorilla Tactics. But it does solve some problems the original had - this Zen mode still procs when at 50% HP, but it makes Galarian Darmanitan faster and even stronger, instead of reducing speed and swapping its primary damage statlines. And it becomes the series' first Ice/Fire type, which is neat!

I think the design is almost good, but the flaming carrot nose is positioned just a bit too high up between the "eyes", looking like a horn instead of the nose. Nice to see the psychotic grin return, though.

All in all, no matter how you look at it, Galarian Darmanitan is a lot of fun to use and kick ass.

Overall: 10/10

Galarian Darumaka

a holly jolly fellow

I liked regular Darumaka. I like Galarian Darumaka. Both are two sides of a coin, chili vs chilly. I like how the artwork depicts them with dancing on the other foot, and how the Galarian version is making the opposite expression. He's less mischievous-grin, more concerned-grimace.

But this design is so good, it looks like it could be the original version of the Pokemon. Some regional forms are clearly playing on your expectations based on the original, but Galarian Darumaka just takes all the same solid design principles and applies them through a lens of ice, rather than fire. Well done.

Overall: 8/10

No. 898: Calyrex

There's nothing scarier than a poorly-designed Pokemon.

I can't quite believe what I'm about to write, but I can't quite believe what I'm seeing, either.

I have a new least-favorite Pokemon.

Dunsparce was awful, we've been over that. I'm not coming around on it or anything. But Calyrex is just so offensively terrible in every single way that it's overpowering my two-decades-long feud with the Dunce.

Where to begin? How about at the top, with this ginormous oversized bomb fruit braincel noggin. Maybe it's supposed to be a crown, but it looks like a swollen egg sac from a Metroid enemy. Then below that, we have the most serious face in the world, a real Princess Mononoke deer-god snuggled right in between the aforementioned balloon and what appear to be Akuma's prayer beads but with the Triforce on them.

Already this sounds nightmarish, but it gets worse. Basic stubby body, basic bitch arm flaps, then LONG ASS SLENDERMAN TOOTHPICK LEGS. No feed, just thigh-highs. And this royal piece of shit has the audacity to pose with one arm out like "whoosh" like he did something. There's a little cape or wings or whatever but NO, fuck you dude.

I mocked up some suggestions that don't completely save this wretched thing, but are at least improvements on whatever bullshit concept they had going on. Version 1 just downsizes stuff so he's still a weird little serious gremlin, the second leans into the "what the fuck" factor for maximum weirdness. I would still hate both of these, but I wouldn't feel the outright revulsion I do when I look at actual Calyrex.

And then, to make things even worse, this Little Lord Fuckleroy has the nerve to mount those glorious steeds Glastrier and Spectrier, and ride them like he thinks he's Napoleon.

I despise this with every fiber of my being. It's a sin and a crime. I'm going to fly to Gamefreak's house and beat them up.

Overall: -1/10

No. 896: Glastrier

 this ain't no chilly filly

okay but this is another one I would have TOTALLY been fine with getting a full evolutionary line for! Could have been a Galarian Rapidash, even.

 I love those big stompin' hooves, and the frozen helm. I'll be honest, I didn't come here expected to like Glastrier as much as I do, but damn I do. It's a simple design (ice horse!) but that means there's no extra bullshit going on. Feels like a throwback to the early days. It's a crying shame what's in his future...

Overall: 10/10

No. 883: Arctovish

 okay, now they're just being silly.

The head is clearly on upside down. I'm not mad this time, because Dracovish took it all out of me, but I really think we need to revoke someone's PhD. Either that or make reviving ancient Pokemon illegal until we figure out how to not screw it up so badly. Either way, Galar's archaeological society ought to be ashamed of itself.

Overall: 1/10

No. 881: Arctozolt

 Get that boy a tissue and a warm blanket!

Electric/Ice is a cool typing, reminds me of one of the best powers from Kirby 64. But Arctozolt looks more like one model is clipping into the other than the surgical nightmate of Dracozolt, and somehow I don't like that as much? Maybe the fact that it's walking on flippers bugs me too much.

But clearly the Electric half is suffering. I think that archaeologist who mixed up such a pitiful creature should be put in jail.

Overall: 3/10

No. 875: Eiscue

 When are they adding Eisbahn to SFV?

Along with Dottler and Falinks, Eiscue plays a big role in making the Galar Pokemon feel like Super Mario Galaxy enemies. Just something about their energy, I guess. I can picture jumping on its head to crack the ice, then it runs away and you have to stomp it again to defeat it. 

By the way, the gimmick with Eiscue is that it can tank 1 physical hit for free, at which point its Defensive stats fall and its Speed increases. Funnily, if you use Hail afterwards you can set up the ice cube again. I actually love that sort of thing, it's like a combination of Minior and Mimikyu, two of my favorites from Alola.

The problem for me is that stupid hair, sticking up through the ice. Why does a penguin have a single hair like a dumbass cartoon baby? The Pokedex says it dangles its hair in the water to lure in fish, which is just stupid as shit. When its head is frozen, how can it possibly dangle that hair unless it stands on its head and floats upside-down in the ocean???


Overall: 7/10

No. 873: Frosmoth

 Mother. Mother. Mothest.

It doesn't show up in the artwork, but Frosmoth's wings are slightly see-through in-game and that's a really cool effect. I love this type combo, and how they handled it. Frosmoth looks soft and fluffy in the same way a snowbank does, but also like a fluffy coat, which ties into the moth fuzz motif. Great stuff.

But that's just a lot of fancy words to say that I wish Frosmoth was my mommy moth gf

Overall: 10/10

No. 872: Snom

 smol snom

I wonder if Gamefreak knew they had a hit on their hands when they designed Snom. Like, it was by far the most memed Pokemon upon release, everybody and their dog were drawing fanart of Snoms sitting in places they don't belong, or cuddling up to ice cream or whatever. It just hit the perfect vein of "no talk me im angy" that was in the air at the time.

But did it catch them off guard? Did they have all the Snom merchandise ready to go, or did they have to scramble to capitalize on its popularity? Again, this is a fantastic Pokemon that wasn't mentioned before release, as were most of the best in this game. I'm not sure if they really wanted to surprise people, or if they just misunderstood their own game that hard where they thought advertising it with Galarian Weezing and Chewtle was a good move.

Anyway, Snom is wonderful because it's a tiny lil' bug with and a unique typing and nifty translucent shell. Maybe it got a little too hyped by the memes, but it's still great.

Overall: 9/10

No. 866: Mr Rime

 No rhyme or reason to this disaster.

If I was British, I would be offended somehow. I don't think a dapper little dipshit, tap-dancing and twirling a cane, is the sort of image I'd want to project to the world. Mr. Rime seems to have forgotten that Mr. Mime was supposed to have clown hair, and instead has developed wings of a sort. Attached to his hat, which is also part of his head, naturally. Because everything must be a nightmare.

I'm not even going to comment on his Poirot-ass mustache, or his icy clown shoes that must leave him slip-sliding all over the goddamn floor, but I do need to question what in the hell is going on with his stomach. Is that a second face, trying to form? It looks a little bit like Mime Jr. Does Mr. Rime sprout Mime Jrs. from his stomach like a sponge, reproducing via budding? That's horrific.

Overall: 1/10

Galarian Mr. Mime

 "You can't shoot a dancing man."

What's the only thing worse than a mime? A tap-dancing mime. Holy shit I hate this Pokemon on a conceptual level. I will admit that he's got a fine color scheme, but that's the only concession I'll be making today. I hate his nose that looks like the nasal cavity in a skull. I hate his skinny arms that look like easily-snapped twigs. I hate his big clonking clogger shoes. I hate his stupid dumbass dance. I hate this Pokemon and I wish it never existed.

Overall: 1/10

Alolan Ninetales

what if in the Alolan dialect they spell it "Ninetails"

Ninetales has always been a very cool, elegant, feminine Pokemon. And the Alolan version cranks that up, frosty hair flowing like when Elsa Lets it Go and her braid clips through her shoulder.

The addition of a Fairy subtype is interesting, and ties into how Ninetales has that vaguely supernatural stuff going on. I woulda accepted Ice/Ghost as well, but this works. I like the way the tails are all billowy, like mist or something.

Also, despite what the illustration shows, Alolan Ninetales is basically just all one color. It doesn't have clearly defined blue/white segments, it's just sort of all-white, but produces blue shadows like snow does. We have so many Pokemon with additional colored segments, even if it's just the belly, so it's nice to see someone rock the monochrome.


Overall: 9/10 -> 10/10

Alolan Vulpix

When we heard there would be regional forms for the new tropical region, I don't think anyone expected new Ice types.

But by God, am I glad we got them. Alolan Vulpix doesn't have a neat spin on it like Sandshrew, where becoming an igloo made perfect sense, but it still looks perfect anyway. I could totally believe this was the original concept, a little snowy fox. The 6 tails lose a little distinction, but they end up looking like a snow drift, so that even works out. If every Alolan form were reinventions of this quality, I'd be a very happy man.

I just feel sorry for poor little Alolan Vulpix, it is pure and adorable and needs to be protected from the internet deviantart creeps. I know it's happening, I can feel it in my bones. Knock it off, you guys. I said STOP.


Overall: 8/10 -> 10/10

Alolan Sandslash

straight outta Planet Remulak with that cone head

Still cool, but I think I like the original best. Spikey icicles makes me wish we had a proper procupine Pokemon, but they just don't look as natural as vanilla Sandslash's spikey plates. And what's up with that one coming from the shoulder? How does that work? Looks like his arm is clipping through the spike.

But even with all that, he's got some sick claws and the overall design is solid. Solid like an ice cube. But with a little crack, because it's not perfect. Look, it's not the best metaphor, but it's all I got, okay?


Overall: 10/10 -> 8/10

Alolan Sandshrew

I like that these don't have to be tropical-themed alternate forms, it's less limiting.

First off, Sandrew is cute as h*ck and so is this icy version. A simple color pallet swap turns the bricks into ice bricks like an igloo, and actually makes more sense given his round shape.

To make things even better, the little guy slides around like a curling stone! It's amazing! If you don't love him, then I'm going to call the police and have them confiscate your 3DS, you're clearly not responsible enough to handle it.


Overall: 8/10 -> 10/10