No. 930: Arboliva

 I'm Arboliva, I couldn't leave her, if I tried~

Arboliva is one of those Pokemon that was clearly designed with a certain pose in mind, and it's very strange that its key artwork is NOT in that pose.

See, it's an olive wreath. So it holds its arms in a wreath position. There's some visual similarity to the laurel wreath, too, but I don't know if laurels and olives are botanically related or what. Speaking of botany, its olives look like grapes, but I'm not about to get into that again.

I think Arboliva has a neat design that manages to keep a feminine silhouette without making it weird, and represents a type of flora we haven't seen before. In a way it's reminiscent of what Klefki and Comfey were going for, but done in a more naturalistic way. I guess the key art helps with that, reinforcing the idea that its arms aren't locked into this one pose. Maybe that was the intent?

Overall: 7/10

No. 929: Dolliv

 be a doll and get the door, won't you?

Dolliv doesn't just have a forehead, she's got a five-head. Makes me want to slap her head, or play tic-tac-toe on there. But I shouldn't bully the poor thing, she's at least better than Smoliv. She's kinda cute, and looks very polite.

On the other hand, I was so incensed yesterday I completely glossed over the Grass/Normal typing, so let's think about that. What makes this Pokemon any more "normal" than any other Grass-type? Are olives the most normie vegetable? Are olives even a vegetable, or are they a fruit, like tomatoes? Maybe they're related to grapes? Has anybody ever tried putting grapes on a pizza? I could look up the answers to these questions, but I'd rather relish in the mystery.

Overall: 5/10

No. 928: Smoliv

smol uwu bean

With all due respect, fuck Smoliv. Go back to your garden and bring me some breadsticks. When I'm driving my 500-pound legendary motorcycle from another timeline around Paldea at 100 mph, hauling ass with my hair in the wind, the last thing I want is to slam to a complete halt because some tiny little baby wants to battle. I should be able to crush Smoliv under my wheels. I should be legally allowed to crush Smoliv under my wheels.

Design-wise, yes, it's a little olive with a face. Not much more to say. What, are you gonna cry? Go ahead, then. Cry.

Overall: 1/10

No. 908: Mewoscarada

Now, for my next trick... 

Meowscarada looks like Arkana from Yu-Gi-Oh. Except wearing tights. Just to put that mental image in your mind.

That yo-yo is now a... magical levitating flower? a singular Gundam Bit? Navi from Ocarina of Time? Gradius's Option? If anything, the artwork looks like it's supposed to be juggling, except there's only 1 ball. And then the animators saw the concept art, but were unable to come up with any way to feature it besides just having it float around.

That's the only distracting thing about an otherwise solid design.

Overall: 8/10

No. 907: Floragato

el gato verde

A lot of people were apparently disappointed that Sprigatito's evolutions stood up. Personally, I don't really care, although I get how being quadrupedal makes it feel more like a monster and less like a character.

Regardless, Floragato rocks. The middle stage often comes across as an awkward halfway point, but Floragato nails the "teen badass" vibes like Charmeleon and Grovyle. That pink doohickey is actually a yo-yo, by the way. Kinda random, but it adds a twist beyond simply being a green cat. Wish it was better conveyed in the artwork, though.

Overall: 8/10

No. 906: Sprigatito

Okay, delayed long enough so that everyone who would care has already moved on, right? Good, time to get down to business.

This dank little kitty may not be a Fire type, but it's blazed out of its mind. There's nothing going on behind those bloodshot eyes besides bong fumes and a subliminal desire for tacos at 1 am. Forget Professor Oak, we need to call Dr. Dre and get him to analyze this chronic cat. Call it what you want - bud, pot, skunk, spliff, reefer, Mary Jane, sticky icky, the point is - the cat is weed.

Anyway, it's got an enormous noggin compared to its body, as is standard for starters these days, but it's an extremely cute noggin. And despite being the second feline starter in three generations, it doesn't overlap much with Litten in terms of design. I like it, even though this artwork has one eye slightly tilted. But I can blame that on the ganja. 

Overall: 420/10

Hisuian Lilligant

yet another leggy plant broad

I feel like this could have just been Lilligant: Pirouette Forme. Like most of the Hisuian forms, it's just the same typing as the original... but with an added sub-type. In this case, Fighting. idk, I kinda like it when the regional variants are entirely different, like Ice Vulpix and Psychic Articuno and stuff?

regardless, I suppose Hisuian Lilligant is okay. Except the design ideas worked at cross purposes - if it's a graceful ballerina dancer, then it should have thin pointed legs. If it's a kicking fiend, then it needs some real pavement pounders. The compromise has been to design an elegant dancer, except wearing these goofy Peter Pan clogs. 

Actually, this design would have been twice as good if they made it Ice/Fighting and had it be an ice skater instead. With blue leaves instead of green, naturally.

Overall: 5/10

Hisuian Electrode

The Orb

nah but this one just looks like dogshit. I was stunlocked by Hisuian Voltorb, but Hisuian Electrode makes me think maybe the whole concept is dumb as hell. Why does it still have a cartoony mouth, but its eyes look like they were carved into the wood?

And if your concept is "ye olde Electrode" then surely the way to go is make them look like those round ninja explosives? It's hype to get the first Grass/Electric type, but I still think that should go for a solar-energy Pokemon, not these woodblock bitches.

overall: 2/10

Hisuian Voltorb

ballz

Before we get to the evaluation, can we unpack something first? Apparently, Pokemon aren't turned into pure energy and stored in Pokeballs as data. No, they're actually literally shrunk down and captured inside. Despite their ability to be stored in the PC and traded via network connection, apparently the canon truth is that there's literal tiny Pokemon sitting in each ball. And the ball itself... teleports?

To make matters worse, this shrinking is actually an inherent ability of the Pokemon, not something done via technology to reduce the space between their atoms or whatever. At least, according to Pokemon Legends: Arceus. That's right, every Pokemon just possesses the ability to shrink itself when in danger, and we exploit that reflex to put them in Pokeballs.

now I don't know about you, but I find that information wildly upsetting and changes basically everything about how I look at these games. What a nightmare.

Speaking of nightmares, it was generally understood that Voltorb is based on the Pokeball, right? It's like a mimic, and that's its camouflage. But then Hisuian Voltorb predates the Pokeball, they're a recent invention and Voltorbs/Electrodes have lived in Hisui for ages already. Which suggests that the Pokeball is actually based on the Voltorb, not the other way around.

This is too much for me, I can't even do a rating right now

Overall: mind blown/10

Hisuian Decidueye

You'll have to excuse me, I've been battered with Street Fighter news lately and can't think of anything else 

This artwork is very flattering to Hisuian Decidueye, who most of the time just looks like this:

And here's the thing, I get it. Samurai wear straw short-capes over their shoulders, and straw hats low over their eyes. That's cool! But then they also wear long flowing robes, or mighty armor, not just two long-ass legs sitting out and about. The scary thing is that owls are build like this in real life, they just have feathers such that we only think of them as having cute stubby little legs. So watch out for that.

anyway, while I could be down for a Grass/Fighting road runner, the result looks more like an upside-down teacup with legs running around. The proportions on the artwork are better than in-game, so the design isn't totally lost. Keeping its arms more "out", or longer feathers to create a full cloak, would have worked better.

Overall: 4/10

Milo of Turffield

Got that Farmer Strength

 

Milo belongs to that subset of Pokemon characters who lack white sclera. He just has pupils floating underneath his eyebrows, like Krillin. Also like Krillin, he's incredibly jacked and doesn't have a nose.

something else that stands out in his artwork is his feet - he looks like he's standing in a puddle or something, right? Like there's got to be another 2 inches of foot we aren't seeing? Or else this man has the flattest feet I've ever seen. I think he did his leg day, did he skip Foot Day?

Maybe he's related to the Fire Emblem Awakening characters.

I'll be using their insignia instead of the actual badges they give you, because those are just pieces of a cookie and don't really matter. But their logos are kinda cool. And despite all the weird anatomy, I like Milo. Big himbo vibes.

Overall: 7/10

Gigantamax no. 28: Rillaboom

my college roommate was briefly in a band called "Our Band Has Three Drummers", and the genre of music they played is what I would describe as "Loud".

that is to say, Rillaboom makes me anxious to see a drum set that large. I don't think it's healthy for the environment. Its also another one of those weird ones where the actual Pokemon doesn't grow much, but it gets this new equipment? Idk, I think if you're making a giant version of your gorilla Pokemon, you could do something along the lines of that other famously large ape, King Kong.

Or you could give him the drum kit from Satan and let him go to work

Overall: 400/1000

Gigantamax no. 26: Venusaur

Yes, NOW I'm finally doing these guys.

Gigantamax Venusaur looks like he's being smothered by his own flower. Or maybe somebody stuck a cracked rice bowl on top of him, like trapping a toad so you can carry it outside. Perhaps it's a large pink bowl cut?

No matter how you slice it, this looks stupid.

Overall: 300/1000

Gigantamax no. 17: Appletun & Flaaple

Two apple drakes

Both Appletun and Flaaple have the same Gigantamax form, and that feels kinda lazy. Isn't the whole point that they're different? I guess they get different G-Moves, but I don't care.

I think you could take this version, scale it down, and use it as a base form instead of Applin. That's neat, but not a very good look for something that's supposed to be this big monster super-form. But it's actually different from its other forms, instead of just "gets bigger", so points? 

Overall: 500/1000

No. 898: Calyrex

There's nothing scarier than a poorly-designed Pokemon.

I can't quite believe what I'm about to write, but I can't quite believe what I'm seeing, either.

I have a new least-favorite Pokemon.

Dunsparce was awful, we've been over that. I'm not coming around on it or anything. But Calyrex is just so offensively terrible in every single way that it's overpowering my two-decades-long feud with the Dunce.

Where to begin? How about at the top, with this ginormous oversized bomb fruit braincel noggin. Maybe it's supposed to be a crown, but it looks like a swollen egg sac from a Metroid enemy. Then below that, we have the most serious face in the world, a real Princess Mononoke deer-god snuggled right in between the aforementioned balloon and what appear to be Akuma's prayer beads but with the Triforce on them.

Already this sounds nightmarish, but it gets worse. Basic stubby body, basic bitch arm flaps, then LONG ASS SLENDERMAN TOOTHPICK LEGS. No feed, just thigh-highs. And this royal piece of shit has the audacity to pose with one arm out like "whoosh" like he did something. There's a little cape or wings or whatever but NO, fuck you dude.

I mocked up some suggestions that don't completely save this wretched thing, but are at least improvements on whatever bullshit concept they had going on. Version 1 just downsizes stuff so he's still a weird little serious gremlin, the second leans into the "what the fuck" factor for maximum weirdness. I would still hate both of these, but I wouldn't feel the outright revulsion I do when I look at actual Calyrex.

And then, to make things even worse, this Little Lord Fuckleroy has the nerve to mount those glorious steeds Glastrier and Spectrier, and ride them like he thinks he's Napoleon.

I despise this with every fiber of my being. It's a sin and a crime. I'm going to fly to Gamefreak's house and beat them up.

Overall: -1/10

No. 893: Zarude

 "The Rude"

I didn't watch the movie, so I actually don't know shit about Zarude. But he falls into that small category of Legendaries who I wish were regular Pokemon, because I can imagine the rest of their line, and I'd like to use them on my journey instead of just downloading them for the collection after I've already finished playing.

I like him a fair deal more than Rillaboom, the other Grass-type monkey in the game. He just looks more like a "monster" than a "character", you know? Those green arm-bands and give a nice weight to his forearms, and the stripes on his chest make him seem emaciated and hungry for blood. Zarude looks wicked, it's great.

Overall: 9/10

No. 842: Appletun

Nothing more American than apple pie!

Truly the superior Applin evolution, on account of not looking like dogshit, is Appletun. Its ears are actually its eyes, which is weird but kinda fun. I like how "fairy tale" it looks, like something out of a Mother Goose rhyme. And maybe its the pie connection, but Appletun reminds me of Treetrunks from Adventure Time?

I only wish it were a lot bigger, being just the size of a pie itself makes sense but as with all broad, comfy Pokemon, I wish to ride upon them. Just imagine taking a nap on a soft piecrust bed, with that sweet warm smell around you.


Overall: 7/10

No. 841: Flapple

shout-outs to Bakugan

Your Applin finally evolved, and if you're playing Sword then you got this freaky bitch, frantically flapping its wings to stay afloat. I wonder if this concept started as a Dragon who's caught in its shell, but then instead of building the rest of its evolutions they just re-worked it into a possible end for the Applin line. I just find it hard to believe that they had SO MANY good ideas for "apple Pokemon" that they couldn't choose and decided to include both Flapple and Appletun in the game.

Like, maybe if there was another form from here? some sort of cool apple-themed dragon? But this is lowkey insulting as a final evolution.


Overall: 2/10

No. 840: Applin

this is just an Earthbound enemy

There's an alarming number of Dragon pokemon that are really biologically closer to worms. I mean it's just the Goomy line and now this, but that's still about 2 more than I really think should exist.

I know it has this typing for its future forms, but we'll get there. Right now, I just gotta say that no apple has ever looked as delicious as the ones you throw in Pokemon Snap. Shoutouts to the new game coming soon, I can't wait. I hope they include more routes, and ways to upload your photos online to compare with others, and make your own scrapbooks, and of course a ton of new Pokemon, and multiplayer games where you both sit in the "car" and take your best pics like a safari cruise at Disneyworld, and... oh right, this is about Applin.

I don't know, it's a silly little worm in an apple. I guess that's cool. But not really.


Overall: 4/10

No. 830: Eldegoss

the question is, will Eldegoss shrink in the wash?

Whimsicott was not enough, we have to take another stab at this cotton thing, and surprisingly I'm here for it. I gotta say that I love the way Eldegoss's cotton is drawn, with the soft coloring and broken lines. It has a very sketchy feeling to it, one we haven't seen in Pokemon drawings in a long time.

It looks like Roselia mixed with Swadloon, with of course that huge cotton ball on its head. Nothing related to its previous form, which I approve of, because that one sucked. But I like how it looks like it's got a big brain, or gigantic hairdo. I know cotton is light, which is why the design doesn't feel unbalanced. And its eyes slightly resemble the seeds, which is a neat touch.


Overall: 6/10