Primal Groudon and Primal Kyogre

People have been asking for me to officially review these, so I guess I may as well.

Primal Groudon is like regular Groudon, except with some shiny shit.

Overall: 4/10


Primal Kyogre is like regular Kyogre, except with some shiny shit.

Overall: 3/10


I mean, what were you expecting, really?

Team Aqua of New Hoenn

Let's check out Neo Aqua! They also got a redesign, and rebranding.

Well, they're certainly busier, that's for sure. Also looking rough, with those frayed shorts. Except they're wearing tights, and silly boots. Hey, don't those shoes look like the ones Neo Magma wears? Did they buy them at the same store? I like everything until you get below the end of the pants/shorts, I guess. Also - they're brown now! Either the whole team got a tan, or this Magma-vs-Aqua conflict has more racial tension than I previously assumed.

Grunts: 6/10



The admins are completely different. They're wearing what appears to be high-performance wetsuits, except Shelly has "fashionable" holes in hers, and Matt appears to have torn his. Dammit Matt, those things cost money! Also how the ever-loving shit did you get a reverse tan of the Aqua logo on your chest!? And what's happening around the edges of your hairline? Christ, Matt, you're a mess. Did you seriously pump so many steroids your chest and arms exploded out of your suit? I can still see it hanging on around your neck and hands there.

But Shelly, I'm not done with you. I miss the old red-head look, not gonna lie. This Empress Hancock style isn't working for me, nor is the random blue streaks. And at least Matt had the decency to put his logo on his chest, but yours is just lost in the design. If you're supposed to look like pirates, neither of you really succeeded.

Shelly: 2/10
Matt: 1/10



Now we come to the bossman himself, and he's wearing a golden anchor around his neck, like he's Flava Flav or something. And again, we see the confusion - high-tech wetsuit, but a weird frayed skirt-cape? And putting back on the bandanna, as if it's salvageable at this point. Man, this whole team redesign was a mistake.

Archie: 3/10

I like the basic idea here, I think - Magma becomes totalitarian and super-strict, almost Nazi-esque, while Aqua becomes wild and chaotic, like mercenary pirates. That works to differentiate the teams even more, but damn if the designs for Aqua did not pay off. Busy, confused, they're just ugly and only the grunts actually look piratical. Matt certainly looks "wild", but he also looks like he's lost his goddamn mind.


Overall: 2/10

Team Aqua of Old Hoenn

Yeah, these are coming out slow. I'm in no rush, just kinda killing time until Gen 7 gets announced. Thanks for continuing to read, but I understand if you're done with this, too.

Anyway, it's Team Aqua! The other side of Hoenn's eco-terrorism boom.


I like this look a lot, you guys. Tight striped shirt immediately makes on think of sailors of Frenchmen. As is normal, the female grunt must show some skin. But then she gets to wear pants! That's pretty nice. These guys look mean and piratical, I love the bandannas and simple colors.

Grunts: 10/10



They have some admins as well, though in-game they look nearly identical to the grunts, similar to Magma. Similar as well, nobody cares about Matt, the male admin - but Shelly is surprisingly popular. And for good reason! She's basically Nami before the Timeskip even happened. I love her hair, you don't see much poofy curly hair in Pokemon, or Japanese games at all for that matter. And, she runs with the orange/blue color combo, getting it into her clothes as well. Yoithink of the New York Knicks, she got dat Mango Sentinel goin' on. Anyway, it's great - she looks like a modest Pirate Queen, definitely a rank higher than the grunts.

Shelly: 10/10



Their Boss, Archie, seems to be drawing a big page from Giovanni's wardrobe. What is it with the "wear a suit but no tie" fashion craze? I kinda like how he ain't even wearing a shirt underneath it, though - dude is ready to strip it all off at the drop of a hat. Aside from that, he's pretty boring though. Seen it before.

Archie: 6/10




These guys have a stupid goal, we've covered that. But I like the cut of their jib. The nautical theme works pretty well, even if their leader doesn't do much with it.

Overall: 8/10

Team Magma of New Hoenn

Now let's take a look at Neo Magma, fresh from the Ruby/Sapphire remakes.


The first thing you'll notice is that they're wearing some sort of corduroy jumpsuits. Except the female uniform doesn't include leggings? that's stupid. They've also become just visually busier, and have taken up some stricter discipline. Now, this I don't mind - it gives the overall team some character, and especially sets it apart from the rowdy Neo Aqua guys. But now that they're no longer punks, their hoods look weird. You need some Hugo Boss-level uniforms to pull that shit off properly. Instead, these grunts look like they're wearing awkward snow suits.

Grunts: 3/10



The admins have also been revamped, and given more personality - which is also a good thing. But all the problems with the Grunts uniforms persist, and in face have gotten worse. The logos are just tiny label pins, you can't really see them. Yellow has been added for some reason, and Courtney appears to have some non-euclidean clothes going on with her vest there. Meanwhile, we got Tabitha (which ain't no name for a boy) who isn't even wearing his hood. What happened to the discipline!?

Courtney: 2/10
Tabitha: 3/10



Finally, Maxie. He's certainly looking like he values discipline and order, and I accept his label markings because the Big Boss ain't have to front as hard as his subordinates. But he still seems to be wearing a full-body sweater, and has cut-outs in his boots for absolutely no purpose I can imagine. And what's with those glasses, do they have frikken sideburns? Why??? Basically, he looks like a nerd and I hate him.

Maxie: 2/10



Yeah, the remakes really screwed Team Magma up. Again, I like the effort to make them feel like a different cultured organization compared to Aqua, but the designs really do not work with that. Or look good on their own.


Overall: 3/10

Team Magma of Old Hoenn

I'm going to treat teams Aqua and Magma differently between the originals and the remakes, because unlike Team Rocket, they took significant re-designs and rebrandings. With that said, here's Classic Magma.

Whereas Team Rocket looks like uniformed agents, Team Magma look like thugs. Hoodie, baggy pants, yeah I see that stereotyping in action. And they keep it simple - red and black. Logo on the chest as plain as day. The only difference between the gendered uniforms here is miniskirt vs awkward pants that end at the mid-calf.

Grunts: 9/10


Magma had two admins back in the day, but I can't find any decent art of the man. So instead here's the lady, who basically looks exactly the same as the female grunt, except she gots spiky horns and a longer skirt! With more rank, you can afford more fabric it seems. Not much to say here, it's still a solid design, but maybe you could flaunt your rank a bit more?

Courtney: 7/10


The leader of Team Magma is this dude. He doesn't dress like a punk, instead he's wearing one of those chinese-style suits that button down the side of the torso and up to the collar. It's simple and decent enough, except the cutoff between red and black just seems arbitrary. Why not wear an all-red top, with black pants? or maybe red torso, black sleeves? Yeah, just not feeling this one.

Maxie: 5/10



Their logo is simple, and looks like a mountain with maybe some lava boiling up underneath - very fitting. And it also kinda-sorta looks like an M? for Magma? eh? eh? Also, if you try really hard and believe deep down in your heart, you can pretend it looks like an Omega symbol. So the logo checks out on pretty much every front.

The problem, though, is that Team Magma's goals are mind-bogglingly shortsighted and lack justifications a 6-year old couldn't poke a hole in. Their plan is like something the Insane Clown Posse would come up with because they got water in their shoes one time, and in fact I think they DID drop a line that sums up both of these moronic teams - "What's with water? get more land / What's with deserts? get less sand."

I mean seriously. If you dry up all the oceans, then everybody dies. That's simple shit, people. You know what makes this planet so habitable compared to, say, Mars? FREAKING WATER. God, Maxie is stupid. And everyone IN the team is stupid to go along with his bullshit.


Overall: 7/10

Your logo and grunts are cool, but your leader and ideology - not so much.

Hoenn Redux Roundup Part 2

Norman

I think we all agreed, that Norman was the most generic normal-ass dude of all time. So how can you redesign normality? you... don't, apparently. Now he's wearing japanese sandals wth his tracksuit pants, and has a strange jacket that I can't tell is multilayered or just colored. Like the shoulders and collar, tho. But now he looks distinctive all of a sudden, and we just can't have that. You're the Normal-type gym leader, dammit!!

Overall: 4/10
Previously

Winona

Speaking of generic, here's someone forgettable that they spruced up in a big way! Adding the cool gloves and boots was a great idea, the wing motif in her design works to make her look like a superhero or something. And is that her hair, or wings on the hat? I still can't tell. They also took out the yellow bands, thus being a rare case of a Gamefreak redesign simplifying the color scheme. Great work.

Overall: 9/10
Previously

Tate & Liza

They used to be lazybones, but now they're posing like some Ginyu Force shit. Still both fairly androgynous, still wearing chinese clothes. But I don't like those star buttons. They just look out of place. Cooler pajamas, though, so it evens it out.

Overall: 6/10
Previously

Wallace

Sweet jiminy christmas.

Okay, first off, I am not okay with the cut of this man's pants. But at the same time, I don't think I'd like it reverse and cutting down in the middle, either. Not at that body latitude. Also is that a tiny skin-tight purple tank top you're wearing, Wallace? One that comes down to just about your nipples? and we haven't even mentioned this shimmering scarf, looking like Hatsune Miku up in this bitch.

Wallace, darling, you're fabulous as Frieza. But you're also a goddamn mess. Put the cape back on, please.

Overall: 2/10
Previously

Hoenn Redux Roundup Part 1

Astute readers will know that while I was dicking around, updating like 5 times a month, a new Pokemon game came out. Or rather, a new remake. Which means, new gym leader designs! I entertained all the stylings of the Kanto and Johto leaders, so now it's Hoenn's turn. We'll do them in batches to make it go quicker.

Roxanne

Much improved. Her thighs no longer immediately make one think of tree trunks, and her overall look suggests character and motion. Also - her dress is grey, with a block pattern on the hem. It's not a lot, but it at least attempts to tie into her Rock theme more than before. Overall still forgettable, though.

Overall: 4/10
Previously


Brawly

Again an improvement. The orange is toned down in favor of black, he got a tan, and is actually wearing things that might be associated with surfing (that swimshirt, the feety-shoes, goggles, etc). The gloves and shirt also make me think MMA, which is important because he's a goddamn Fighting Gym leader after all.

Overall: 6/10
Previously

Wattson

Aw man, I knew they had to make one worse. The main difference is that he's wearing a hawaiian shirt and sandals, as opposed to the more professional sweater and shoes. Maybe he's on vacation? In his own town? It looks dumb to wear a shirt like that over a jumpsuit, is what I'm saying. Though I give him credit for the flowers having lightning bolt stamens, and his sandals having screws in them, I just don't think it's as strong as his brown-and-yellow outfit from before. Also, his body seems more round than before, possibly because he rolled up his pant legs.

Overall: 6/10
Previously

Flannery

Riddle me this - Flannery is showing even more skin than before, but I don't like it! All of these designs got busier, but I really liked Flannery's simplicity. The combination tied-up-t-shirt-without-arms and sports bra (?) is unnecessary, and while I understand that the thing on her waist is supposed to be like a towel because she owns the Hot Springs, it just looks like that - a towel she is using as a belt because she's poor. I guess it all comes together to give her more of a Japanese Hick theme, than American Punk, but I think the latter is much cooler. er, maybe that should be hotter, since she's a Fire trainer and all?

Overall: 7/10
Previously

Steven Stone of the Hoenn Elite Four

a dude cool enough to have a last name, a rarity in the Pokemon world

Steven is such a better Champion than Wallace. I mean, Wallace is alright, but it's redundant to have a Water Gym and then a Water guy in the Elite Four. And Steven is just so damn great, he makes a lot of "good" characters look "okay".

First, check that swag style. Black suit, purple stripes, red cravat. striking effect. subdued, yet you can tell he means business. but the best part is those steel arm rings, and steel rings on his fingers. Did you know he was a Steel-type specialist? maybe not, because he's not being garish about it, but you can pick up the hints. Also those rings look badass.

Mr. Stone doesn't go all-out to make the sort of impression Lance does, or have quite the attitude that Blue carries, but he certainly looks in-control and makes for an exciting climactic battle. and like I said, the dude knows cool. super-smooth super-swag steel-plated cool, that is.


Overall: 10/10

In the remake...

Drake of the Hoenn Elite Four

yo watch out we got a stone-cold killer comin' thru

Drake looks like he just wandered in out of some horrible storm of salt and spray. His coat is tattered, he lost his shirt, but he didn't lose his captain's hat by God, and he sure as hell didn't loose his gallant 'stache.

He's a badass. He's probably strangled an octopus with his bare hands, eaten more kinds of seagulls than I'll ever know about, and spent over a years worth of combined time adrift at sea.

however - he's a Dragon trainer. which is still kinda badass, but... you've got this obvious nautical theme going, why use Dragons? because you don't want to be associated with those pansy-asses Wallace and Juan, I guess.

Other than that, Drake is exactly what I want to see in my Elite Four. Not sporty-looking, teacher-looking, well-mannered, official-sanctioned waypoints. But the Elite in their field, tested over years of hard work and sacrifice. and few characters sell that as well as Drake does right here.


Overall: 9/10
Previously

Glacia of the Hoenn Elite Four

notice how you see Ice, Ghost, Dragon, and Dark specialists in Elite Fours a lot? I guess those are just considered endgame-types is all.

you know, I don't think I've ever seen this official artwork before. I'd always seen her battle sprite, she looks a lot younger and, uh, prettier here. Definitely got that Scandinavian stylings, which works if she's gonna use Ice types.

I'm noticing those pants, though, and they're throwing me. not sure you're supposed to wear pants under a long dress like that. also holy piss, I thought that was a scabbard on her side for a moment there, that would've been viking queen as Hel.

but really, the more I look at her, the more bored I get. She's really proper and refined, but that can also translate into Boring, and in this case it does.


Overall: 4/10
In the remake

Phoebe of the Hoenn Elite Four

oh, be still, my heart!

Brown? check
Hawaiian brown? check
Confident about showing some skin? check
Short hair? check
Uses Ghost-types? check
Giant pink flowers stuck to the side of her head like alien growths? check

yeah, that's pretty much everything on the "my ideal woman" check list right there.

no seriously, Phoebe is great. Memorable design, if a little questionable as to why she would use Ghosts. But I think one has to cut the Elite Four some slack in this regard, as I've said before - they're already the elite trainers, they don't got nothin' to prove. She's a spunky islander girl who just so happens to love Ghosts, that's all there is to it.

okay, I guess there should be more to it than that, but c'mon. is Phoebe. is cool. Especially like the consistency between the flowers on her skirt and the flowers in her hair, and I'm a sucker for the Pokeball motif appearing anywhere on clothing it seems.


Overall: 8/10
In the remake

Sidney of the Hoenn Elite Four

I'm actually very familiar with this incarnation of the Elite Four.

I may have not mentioned this before, but my first run through Sapphire was disastrous. My starter was Sceptile, who proved useless, so I had to abandon him. I wanted to use Sableye to fight against Ghosts, but Sableye actually really sucks. I also brought Shedinja, hoping to cheese out a few trainers, but that never really happened. I used a Hariyama, who did okay against Sidney here. I brought a Castform, planning to have it use Hail and then be Ice-type to fight Dragons. Needless to say, that didn't work. Torkoal was my attempted Fire, but he's also kinda shitty. So in the end, it just came down to my Kyogre running a train all over everything with Surf and Ice Beam. It ended up near lvl 65. Everyone else was hovering around the 40's.

I picked somehow the worst team of Pokemon for the job, and got my ass handed to me more times than I could count. By the time I finally gave in and let Kyogre do all the work, it was too late, my enjoyment of the game had been ground into nothingness.

anyway, my point is that I've fought Sidney possibly more than any other single trainer in any other game, so he's like a close friend to me. A close, douchey-hipster friend who happens to have a team of Pokemon I all think are awesome.

Sid looks like a prick, but he uses Dark-types, so I'm actually gonna say it works. He oughtta look a little punk. Could have more black on him, instead of that much red, but eh.


Overall: 6/10
In the remake

Juan of Sootopolis City

How many gym leaders does Sootopolis City have? let's count them! Juan, Two! Two there are! Ah ah ah!

He takes over after Wallace moves on to the big leagues. and he's kind of cool, I guess. he really looks like a 4th Gen design, though. It's the hair.

I like how he's keeping the same general color scheme, of white/blue/purple. and he's looking dapper as all get out, with that cravat and brooch.

I dunno, there's not much to say here, I never played Emerald. not sure what his personality is like. I do think I like Wallace more, though, because wearing such obviously period-piece European clothes in a Pokemon game just doesn't seem to fit very well. Modern-style clothes, and japanese-style clothes work fine, but whenever I see a dude gussied up in a similar way I'm wondering if he's cosplaying or some stuff.


Overall: 7/10

Wallace of Sootopolis City

it's a good thing Fly exists, because otherwise I don't think Sootopolis City would get like any mail

His official art doesn't show it, but Wallace is all the time posing his ass off, jazz fingers going wild, being basically the biggest flashiest most flamboyant trainer ever.

and it's pretty great. His color scheme is actually kinda subtle, being most white and cyan. maybe it might look like an Ice trainer to some, but the way everything about him is about flow, I don't think so. his cape flows like a waterfall, or spreads like a wave. it's a really neat design choice.


Then, in Emerald, he gets so full of himself he gets to be the Champion. Now, we've seen Koga get promoted, and Lance take back his place, but it doesn't make sense to me that he could just waltz up and become Champ.

actually, that's exactly what YOU do when you beat them. except you don't bother to wait around and fight other challengers. what's up with that, Player Character? show some respect for the position!


Overall: 8/10
In the remake

Tate and Liza of Mossdeep City

seriously thought these was two girls for the longest time

you know, there's not much chinese-dressed people in Pokemon. So it's good to see a little of that show up here, in these brats fashionable pajamas or whatever. I'd let my children sleep/pratice tai chi in those.

I also super like the idea of psychic twins being the gym leaders for a double-battles-only gym. Shows off the new system, which is good, because pretty much nobody else in the game did. While I'm on the subject, I just want to say how much I like triple battles, because it feels like I've got my actual party out there on the field and stuff, and it makes battling a lot more complicated and interesting, and I'd hate to see it gone in gen 6. so fingers crossed.


anyway, back to Tater and Liszt. I suppose they work, they're designs are more focused on looking like innocent twins rather than powerful psychics, but that works. because when you see two chinese twins in pajamas sitting together and holding hands and staring at you with shining unblinking eyes, you begin to expect them to have latent telekinetic powers. or at least I do.


Overall: 6/10
in the remake

Winoa of Fortree City

damn I forgot this one even existed

That's a pretty funky outfit she's wearing, I don't even know what to make of it. Like, I see an aviator's cap, okay. Hair going crazy like wings, okay. a choker I guess. Then some bizarre one-piece that turns into bloomers, which then turns into like sleeves for her legs? they can't really be called pants, I don't think. It's bizarre.

Like, is this what flight jumpsuits look like? I don't really think so. I don't really think Gamefreak knew what they were doing here. You just sort of breeze into her little Ewok-village-ass town, zap her or freeze her, and move on.


seriously, I don't remember shit about this girl. cool hat/hair, though.


Overall: 2/10
In the remake

Norman of Petalburg City

No, May... I am your father.

Other than that little "twist", if you can even call it that, Norman is super boring. I mean, he's the Normal-type gym leader, I get it. Dude has about as much personality as Wonder Bread. He's Norman, and he's pretty frikken' normal.

I suppose having his gym revolve around using X Attack and X Defend and stuff is kinda unique, tho. Not that it mattered much, just gave my guys a free turn to attack.


He's got some sense of style, I suppose. I wear a sweater kinda like his, except grey. I dunno, he's pretty much living up to everything I'd expect out of a "Normal Gym Leader". I guess I shouldn't fault him too much. He actually feels like he's sort of a strategic all-rounder, but chooses to work with Normals because you have to specialize to own a gym, and they're the most flexible.

In the end, I suppose a totally normal score would be appropriate. Does "normal" not sound like a word to anyone else now? normal normal normal


Overall: 5/10
In the remake

Flannery of Lavaridge Town

THE MOST EXCITING TIME OF DAY HAS FLANNERY COME

now here's a little secret - I dig it when characters have baggy pants and tight tops. And I mean from a character-design perspective, male or female, I think it's neat. somehow combines a relaxed look (the bottoms) with an athletic look (the top).

so Flannery has that going for her. In addition to having hair that looks like it's exploding out of her head, and a helpful little flame symbol on her shirt. I'm saying she clearly communicates her Fire expertise, is what I'm saying. I'm also saying she's incredibly hot, and possibly the most memorable character in the entire 3rd Gen. She got that older-punk-girl thing going on. it's great


uh, yeah. I really like Flannery, I think that's apparent. I also think she has a good design, and Torkoal is a cool signature Pokemon. and she lives in a town his hotsprings next to a volcano, that's amazing.

Overall: 10/10
in the remake

Wattson of Mauville City

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Some people laugh because they are in good spirits. Some other people laugh to cover up the emptiness within. Wattson laughs because he owns a team of animals who can electrocute people to death, and holds too much political sway to ever be convicted.

He looks a little bit like your janitor from elementary school, the one you should might have actually been santa claus. But he's got that nice electric coloring, and a helpful lightning-bolt patch on his shoulder there. Which looks a little like an SS logo now that I think of it. Truly, the greatest monster of our time.


real talk, though, Wattson is great. That's a clever name, and he also has a unique body type for a gym leader. Electric type leaders are almost always genius, and this sadistic bastard here is no exception. He's too old to care about the laws of men anymore, and spends his time running high voltage through animals and building robots. Didn't he have a robotic Raikou in the anime? what the heck was up with that, anyway?

damn, Wattson, you crazy.


Overall: 10/10
In the remake

Brawly of Dewford Town

I'm pretty sure I used this guy in a Final Fantasy some time. Or maybe it was Lufia.

Point is, he looks a helluva lot like he belongs in a fantasy JRPG. and I mean, he is in a JRPG, but Pokemon isn't really fantasy. more technology than anything else.

anyways, he's got that nice blue/orange color scheme, but not much to identify him as a Fighting-type gym leader. Other than the fact he's the leader of a gym on an island to the southwest, which seems to be where Gamefreak puts all their Fighting dudes.


His pose and frame suggest he's athletic, and with that freaking name I'd obviously guess he's a fighter, but the design alone really doesn't communicate that at all. some knuckle wraps, or a martial arts belt, something like that would be good. I dunno, he just seems more attached to making sure everything in his life is blue and orange than looking like he trains beefy muscle Pokemon to punch things.


Overall: 4/10
In the remake