Hisuian Sliggoo

Gary, come home!

I'm going to say it - this is pretty much what Sliggoo should have been like from the start. Instead of a weird soft-shell-snail, just commit to the bit and give my man a nice shell to call his own. Look at him, homie just woke up. He's sleepy!

but I'm also going to say it again - why the fuck is this line Dragon at all? At the very least, it ought to have a Poison or Bug typing in there somewhere, right? Nope, although I'll buy Steel for the shell at least.

still, it's a cute lil' guy, and I like how he rolls around in his shell. An improvement, at the end of the day.

Overall: 7/10

No. 904: Overqwil

no I know where it was now, this is a Donkey Kong Country boss

Overqwil has a cool name, and that's the most positive thing I can say about it. I can't stop thinking about certain toys I would get as a kid, which never stood up because they were sculpted in an action pose, or designed with a weird bottom like this. Always pissed me off, when something only functions as a keychain. I want to stand it up with my other toys!

and in a similar vein, Overqwil pisses me off because of how ridiculous it looks out of the water. The idea of a big floating mine could work, but holy shit why did you have to make the top and bottom spikes so large?

Overall: 1/10

Hisuian Qwilfish

I swear I saw this in a New Super Mario Bros. game

Sometimes, they revisit iconic Pokemon and remix them into cool new regional forms. Other times, they pluck unpopular Pokemon from obscurity and try to rebrand them in the hopes of getting somebody, anybody, to care about them. Hisuian Qwilfish is the latter.

It's Dark/Poison now, and makes a big deal out of being Poisonous with its new signature move Barb Barrage, which is confusing because it was already Water/Poison. being Dark is the new part, but that's not where the emphasis lies?

The coolest thing about Hisuian Qwilfish is that it has the number 9 on its tail, representing the grand total of Qwilfish fans in the entire world.

Overall: 3/10

No. 903: Sneasler

Juri Han energy.

Whereas Weavile expanded upon the Sneasel theme horizontally, Sneasler takes the vertical approach. Fitting, because it's your mountain-climbing workhorse, as you ride in a silly little basket on its back. I didn't expect this to be a very useful mount, but the last few areas of the game are full of steep cliffs, designed with Sneasler in mind. I enjoyed getting my BotW on, clambering up and then jumping into flight with - ah, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Back to Sneasler. It took my advice, and adds a diabolical hot pink color to the mix of purple and grey. Truly the bad bitch of the Pokemon world, Sneasler looks a little bit silly with that massive noggin on that tiny little neck, but it's practically perfect besides that. While I still wouldn't trust one, I don't have a choice, hanging onto its back 600 feet in the air on the side of a mountain.

Overall: 9/10

Hisuian Sneasel

Here Comes Trouble™

Sneasel was an all-timer design. Hisuian Sneasel is also pretty good, mainly because it doesn't change much besides the paint job! And the new one does a better job selling the Poison aspect of its typing better than the old one did its Ice typing. (I'd say both are equally understood as Fighting and Dark)

if I'm allowed to nitpick, and that's literally my entire job at NAPACE, I think the feathers should have been another color besides Also Purple. Just to stand out more. But aside from that, excellent job. I wouldn't trust Hisuian Sneasel further than I could throw it, but I dig the design.

Overall: 9/10

Hisuian Avalugg

God of War type boss fight 

Hey, it's Avalugg! Everybody loves Avalugg, right? Well, would you love Avalugg even more if we made his legs dirty and stuck a snowplow to his face?

...no? you'd still respond with the same indifference you've always shown to Avalugg?

......oh well, I suppose it can't be helped! Hope you enjoy being 4x weak to Fighting and Steel!

Overall: 1/10

Hisuian Zoroark

so they're just running with the body horror, huh

it's gross as hell to see Hisuian Zoroark's raw muscles bulging out of its lacerated flesh, I can't lie. Who asked you to go that far, Gamefreak? Jesus Christ.

but the mass of writhing hair is cool as hell, and totally justifies being bloody instead of ghostly - this isn't a spirit, this is a goddamn zombie corpse.

however, once again the shiny variant may prove superior - using purple instead of red removes most of the horror and just leaves a badass ghost fox demon. Which I think I'd prefer to have in my party, but I can't deny that Hisuian Zoroark absolutely nails the unsettling vibe it's going for.

Overall: 9/10

Hisuian Zorua

Remember how this one was announced via some found-footage style video?

The new typing dramatically boosts the effectiveness of Zorua's gimmick ability - even if it pretends to be something else, as a Dark type, it still had 3 weaknesses. But as a Normal/Ghost, it's got just 1 weakness, and 3 complete immunities.

Now, what's unusual here is the choice of red and white to represent "ghostly spirit energy". Usually, it's blue and white. The resulting pink tendrils make me think of something organic, rather than ephemeral. The shiny is blue, and I think that fits much better.

Overall: 5/10

Hisuian Lilligant

yet another leggy plant broad

I feel like this could have just been Lilligant: Pirouette Forme. Like most of the Hisuian forms, it's just the same typing as the original... but with an added sub-type. In this case, Fighting. idk, I kinda like it when the regional variants are entirely different, like Ice Vulpix and Psychic Articuno and stuff?

regardless, I suppose Hisuian Lilligant is okay. Except the design ideas worked at cross purposes - if it's a graceful ballerina dancer, then it should have thin pointed legs. If it's a kicking fiend, then it needs some real pavement pounders. The compromise has been to design an elegant dancer, except wearing these goofy Peter Pan clogs. 

Actually, this design would have been twice as good if they made it Ice/Fighting and had it be an ice skater instead. With blue leaves instead of green, naturally.

Overall: 5/10

No. 902: Basculegion

Big Mouth Billy Bass

First of all, you need to know that Basculegion comes in two flavors. The above is male, sporting a snazzy red mustache. The one below is female, as you can tell by the eyelashes and lipstick.

Also, on the off chance anyone cares, the Basculin you find in Hisui isn't the territorial Red or Blue striped versions from Unova, but a new White-striped form. Oddly, both male and female Basculin share their coloring with the female Basculegion. Not sure if that means anything.

Anyway, with all that out of the way, Basculegion itself - one of the most morbid Pokedex entries ever. "Clad in the souls of its comrades who perished before finishing the journey upstream to mate." In other words, it's wearing armor made from the souls of dead virgins. Goth.

The design is fine, I guess that's what a ghostly salmon would look like, but mainly it won me over by being so helpful in the game. Being able to jump into the sea or river and instantly start swimming kicks ass, especially because you can double-jump for some reason. Sure, this role gets overshadowed once you get flight near the end of the game, but Basculegion did its role well.

Overall: 6/10

No. 901: Ursaluna

IT'S OVER 900!!!!!!!!! 

Whereas Wyrdeer opens the game up in a big way, Ursaluna just feels redundant. it's an Item Finder on legs, offering no additional mobility. So it won't win any goodwill that way.

And as for the design... I mean, it's a bear with poop on its face. What do you really expect me to say, here? Dude has a turd draped across his nose, I can't see it as anything else. I know I'm supposed to see it as "clouds in front of the moon", but even if that were the case, how freaking coincidental that every single Ursaluna gets the same bits of mud stuck on its forehead at exactly that location. Or if they're eyebrows, then it's doing an eternal Dreamworks smirk.

No, there's not really any good options here. Sorry, dookie-bear. Please don't get near me, I just washed the stink off.

Overall: 1/10

No. 900: Kleavor

when you throw Rock and Scissors at the same time

Look, Kleavor has a tough act to follow. Not only is it competing with Scyther, one of the hardest Pokemon ever created, it has to contend with the other potential evolution in Scizor. And the Scyther vs Scisor debate was already a hot topic!

and I'm sorry to say, that Kleavor falls a distant third here. What the art doesn't communicate is how comically large Kleavor's axes are in its in-game model.

The tiny stick arms and the giant axes make it look unbalanced, which is a shame. The main body is pretty cool, I like the rocks around its face, and a hatchetman Pokemon could totally work. But Kleavor just isn't it.

Honestly, if we didn't have Scyther or Scizor around as a benchmark, I'd probably be higher on Kleavor. But there's no way I'd evolve my Scyther into this stone age bastard except to fill out a Pokedex.

Overall: 6/10

No. 899: Wyrdeer

Yeah, I've been saying for a while that they should make Stantler an Ice-type, we don't have any reindeer Pokemon and -

oh. it's Normal/Psychich, not Ice at all? I guess that's more of a "wise old sage" beard than a "Santa Claus" beard. Well, that's disappointing.

Although, I may have to give points for being a reliable steed during most of Arceus: Legends. The way it handles like an ATV helps to open up the game in a big way, jumping up hills and out-running hostile Pokemon. That's important, because an open-world game like this lives or dies on "is it fun to traverse the environment".

On the other hand, I don't like its jowls. And the horns have gotten too abstracted from the "false eyes" gimmick, now they're like antennae for broadcasting psychic attacks? Actually hold up, that sounds sick. Maybe Wyrdeer might be cool, actually??? But it still feels like a waste when Girafarig already exists in Gen 2 as the Normal/Psychic ungulate. 

Overall: 4/10

Hisuian Electrode

The Orb

nah but this one just looks like dogshit. I was stunlocked by Hisuian Voltorb, but Hisuian Electrode makes me think maybe the whole concept is dumb as hell. Why does it still have a cartoony mouth, but its eyes look like they were carved into the wood?

And if your concept is "ye olde Electrode" then surely the way to go is make them look like those round ninja explosives? It's hype to get the first Grass/Electric type, but I still think that should go for a solar-energy Pokemon, not these woodblock bitches.

overall: 2/10

Hisuian Voltorb

ballz

Before we get to the evaluation, can we unpack something first? Apparently, Pokemon aren't turned into pure energy and stored in Pokeballs as data. No, they're actually literally shrunk down and captured inside. Despite their ability to be stored in the PC and traded via network connection, apparently the canon truth is that there's literal tiny Pokemon sitting in each ball. And the ball itself... teleports?

To make matters worse, this shrinking is actually an inherent ability of the Pokemon, not something done via technology to reduce the space between their atoms or whatever. At least, according to Pokemon Legends: Arceus. That's right, every Pokemon just possesses the ability to shrink itself when in danger, and we exploit that reflex to put them in Pokeballs.

now I don't know about you, but I find that information wildly upsetting and changes basically everything about how I look at these games. What a nightmare.

Speaking of nightmares, it was generally understood that Voltorb is based on the Pokeball, right? It's like a mimic, and that's its camouflage. But then Hisuian Voltorb predates the Pokeball, they're a recent invention and Voltorbs/Electrodes have lived in Hisui for ages already. Which suggests that the Pokeball is actually based on the Voltorb, not the other way around.

This is too much for me, I can't even do a rating right now

Overall: mind blown/10