Monday, November 20, 2017

Mina of Poni Island

dude weed lmao

Mina is stoned out of her gourd 100% of the time, and I'm not ruling out paint fumes as the culprit. Look how she painted her face - clearly with a wide swing of the spray can, such that it even got her hair in there, too. Or maybe she was attempting a mustache, but got it over the bridge of the nose by mistake? It's possible.

And I have to say, Mina not even having a trial, and everything else about Poni island, made it really feel like an afterthought from Gamefreak. Which is like, what the shit, that's my home, that's Kaua'i. The Garden Isle. And you made it a deserted canyon? And now in USUM there's some crazy evil cloud over it? I don't like it! Not one bit!

At least Mina has some comfy-looking shoes, but honestly I wouldn't trust her with a paint bucket, much less an important job like Trial Captain. dopey girl can't even keep her hair out of the paint.

Overall: /10

Friday, November 17, 2017

Acerola of Ula'ula Island

who's the little girl, living in the haunted mansion~

Acerola is adorable, and I think it's a shame that she's apparently so poor she has to wear a ragged dress like that. Poor thing, she's clearly had to patch it by hand! While those Aether fatcats sit in their ivory towers and let this poverty exist. And they say Pokemon exists in a communist, post-scarcity utopia world...

But I guess it works, because it's a great look for her! She's the fourth female, Ghost-themed major trainer we've had, but keeps it fresh. I really enjoyed her trial, too. And being the only Trial Captain invited to the Elite Four means she's like the strongest of them, right? Only held back from being Kahuna due to age, perhaps?

Overall: 10/10

Sophocles of Ula'ula Island

I hate you for ruining the online interaction system that worked so perfectly in XY with your dumb Festival Plaza bullshit

what kind of business does any little kid have being named Sophocles? Who the hell does he think he is? Tubby little Chunk from The Goonies piece of shit, messy bed hair having fatass bitch. Ain't no philospher.

Get outta here with that Pikachu tail scarf, you live on a damn tropical island, why do you need a scarf? And his legs are so stubby you can't tell if he's wearing shorts or pants. And that unibrow pissed me off, I wanna shave the middle so badly, that bump in the middle isn't natural. Actually, it makes his head look like one of those upside-down optical illusion faces:

Looking like an angry bald man with a squirtle mouth and scraggly neckbeard. Which isn't much better than his default look.

Overall: 1/10

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Kiawe of Akala Island

now we're cookin with fire

My man Kiawe has the best life - living on top of a volcano, hanging out with cool ass pokemon like Alolan Marowaks and Sanaldits all day, doing sick dance moves, and generally being awesome. He's blacker than the ace of spades, and more hot-blooded than a shonen protagonist.

Also, I just have a lot of ingrained respect for fire dancers. Those guys have to train hard to master the spins and stuff without dropping the torches, plus they're expected to work out enough to look the part. Not to mention the whole "endure intense heat from live flames" thing. yeah, I know they slather their bodies with that flame-retardant stuff, but still. Kiawe gets props from me.

The only thing holding him back from a perfect score is his hair. I'm just not down with the two-tone look, I know it's supposed to be like sooty fire, but it looks like he was dying it orange but ran out of dye.

overall: 9/10

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Mallow of Akala Island

damn, now I miss Super Mario RPG all of a sudden...

The second of Akala's Water-Grass-Fire trio, Mallow immediately proves herself superior to the other Grass/Cooking themed Gym Leader, Cilan (coincidentally also part of a similar trio). For starters, she doesn't have a dumb little asshole haircut. Instead, she's rocking the Shaymin. And with a cute apron+daisy dukes combo that sure as hell beats wearing a standard issue waiter suit.

Though aside from thoroughly trouncing Cilan in terms of design, personality, and not-being-a-phenomenal-waste-of-space, there's not much to say about Mallow. She's just fine! Nothing wrong with her, but nothing terribly exciting, either.

Overall: 6/10

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Lana of Akala Island

how you got such a spherical head

Something that's important to keep in mind with these Trial Captains is that they aren't professional Gym Leaders. They're explicitly kids, more like camp counselors than the adults actually in charge of anything. Nevermind the fact that we've seen some young ass kids acting as Leaders in other regions, I'm just saying we can excuse a bit of unprofessionalism in the Captain's dress.

So with that said, Lana is very nice! I like the fishing motif, with a net on her head and hook designs on her pants. Also, as I believe I've stated, I'm On Board with the "small top, big baggy pants" look. And color coordination game is on point.

The one odd thing with Lana is that there's no whites to her eyes - or perhaps she has a flesh-toned sclera? It's not weird in itself, a valid way to draw eyes, but since almost every other Pokemon character does have white around their pupils, it makes her look out of place. Again, I'm not discounting the theory that she has a massive infection of pink eye, in which case the poor girl should get some medication. Too bad the only doctor around is an insane Ric Flair/Randy Savage wannabe.

Overall: 8/10

Saturday, November 11, 2017

Ilima of Melemele Island

Supersuper Smashsmash Brosbros Melemele!!

Raise your hand if you thought Ilima was a chick at first. Dude looks like a lady, it's true! And has a hella feminine name. Ilima just looks like they took the head from some rejected waifu character and put it on a schoolboy body. And I don't think you could have picked a worse shade of pink hair to go with that shade of brown skin - they're too similar, not enough contrast.

But more importantly, what sort of nonsense is he wearing on his hand. I'd call it a glove, but that would be using some new, exciting definition of the word. Because conventional gloves generally cover more than just 2 fingers. Or come down to the wrist. There's even a bizarre cutout for his knuckle. So if it's not a glove... what is it? Usually whenever you see weird gloves there's some archery-related explanation, because archers are pompous pricks who think their archery will suffer if anything more than the bare minimum flesh is encased in glove. But with Ilima, he's just vaguely bookish. So what business does he have wearing some skimpy ass glove!?

Look, Sun/Moon gets off to a rocky start, due to all the forced cut-scenes and handholding, and Ilima's Neo-Yokio-lookin' ass doesn't exactly make it better, is all I'm saying.

Overall: 2/10

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Favorite Digimon Countdown

For October 2017, NAPACE entered some evil, mirror dimension, where the blog was about Digimon instead! Every day, I counted down my favorite Digimon.

It was a challenge to post every single day for a month, and 31 straight days of posting is actually a record for the site! Thanks for following along, and apologies to any Digi-haters who are just here for the Pokemon. I'll be back at Gamefreak's children next month, with the trainers of Sun/Moon, and the new things to come out of Ultra Sun/Ultra Moon.

Favorite Digimon #1 - HerculesKabuterimon

Honey, you mean HunkuleseKabuterimon!

As was foretold, the True King to unite the bloodlines and claim the throne. With the combined horns of the Kuwaga and Kabuto, HerculesKabuterimon is the Best Bug and by extension Best Digimon. That golden coat lets you know who's in charge, and it's this guy.

I had a little toy figure of him as a kid, and he was by far my favorite. His pose was basically identical to the one you see in the promo art, which meant that his horns were set up perfectly to squeeze other Digimon in there so he could grab and suplex them. I can't tell you how many storylines and tournaments I played out on my bedroom floor that ended with HerculesKabuterimon giving someone a thunderous vertical suplex.

He's an incredible Mushihimesama-looking badass who I'm sorry never appeared on the show (to my knowledge), but I got to use him in Cyber Sleuth and I can safely say: the boy is wild. Maybe he doesn't actually suplex people quite as often as I imagined he did, but he's still my glorious golden champion.

Now, if you ask me which do I like more - HerculesKabuterimon or Heracross? That's some Sophie's Choice bullshit, don't make me choose like that.

Monday, October 30, 2017

Favorite Digimon #2 - Togemon

I don't remember this gyroid from Animal Crossing

Y'all know I like cacti. Y'all know I like things that punch. This should come as no surprise. Togemon is one of those Digimon with a design concept and execution that's simple enough to be a Pokemon, too. I want to see Togemon fight Cacturne, just feeding him the right-lefts like bam, bam.

But I also like how it comes out in the middle of Palmon's overtly feminine, flower-based line. Cute flowers, little nymphs, then HELL YEAH ITS CACTUS TIME. MOMMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT! shame there's no variant progression to further explore the idea of a boxing cactus...

Oh, and that hollow face is unique, helps it stand out more. The dual threat of shooting needles and punching your stupid face in is useful. But at the end of the day, I think Togemon is great for two simple reasons:

1. Cactus
2. Punching

Some things defy detailed analysis.