No. 983: Kingambit

 Fu Rin Ka Zan

I hate that Kingambit sucks. I wish he was good. But he's not. He looks like a Mega Evolution, and I mean that in the most derogatory way possible. Gigantic crest and mustache that make him look unbalanced, and impractical protruding rib-blades. (although they're arguably more convenient than Bisharp's, since they act as a cage but allow him to keep his arms at his sides)

And then there's the stupid freaking hair-chair. I know he's modeled after a samurai general, specifically Takeda Shingen, squatting on his stool as he surveys the battle, but the fact that he doesn't even get his lazy ass up to walk around, but floats on it is insulting. Some people will tell you that he's moving like a chess piece, as if that makes it any better. It's still dumb as shit. I hate that his hair becomes the stool, too. It makes him look like one of those early Amiibos where they had random plastic chunks to prop up the figures.

If you size-down the crest and 'stache and ribs, take away his hair stool, and let him stand up, the underlying body construction isn't bad. But we don't live in that reality, and that makes it hurt all the more.

 

Overall: 1/10 

KBT-6: Arcbeetle Dash

 More Medabots, More Power!

Arcbeetle was already cool, but the Dash model takes it over the top. I love all the gunbarrels (or jet thrusters) sticking out from every angle. You'd think it would look unbalanced, with that big spike on its chest, but the head spike works with the bigass pauldrons to balance it out, suggesting a rocketship with legs rather than a humanoid with a big nose.

And rocketship, indeed! it transforms, revealing the hercules beetle inspiration (if it wasn't already obvious). I wanna play a shmup as this thing.

I also have to say the color scheme is good, keeping the parts in solid blocks helps reduce the visual noise and keeps the design from looking too messy. Great work all around, gotta be one of my favorite Medabots.

 

Overall: 10/10 

No. 982: Dudunsparce (for real)

Maybe Pokemon was a mistake.

I decided Dunsparce was my least-favorite Pokemon a long time ago, and since then Gamefreak has tested my patience every generation by introducing some new freak to despise. They finally won in Generation 8, with Calyrex, who dislodged Dunsparce from his throne of failure and assumed the role as my official Least-Favorite Pokemon of All Time.

But don't for a second make the mistake of thinking I've forgiven Dunsparce.

No, I still hate that blind cave bastard, and when I look at this misbegotten evolution I admit to taking a sick pleasure from all the idiots who thought this was a Feebas situation, that the ugly duckling would evolve into a beautiful swan. Bitch, you're not even a duckling. 

Dunsparce does not deserve happiness, it does not deserve to be "saved" with a cool evolution. What it deserves is to be forgotten, but if we must revisit the dunce, I think this is the best possible outcome. Double down on its ridiculous stupidity. Dunsparce cannot be redeemed or improved, it can simply be increased. Now there's twice as much Dunsparce. Does this make anyone happy? I doubt it.

 

Overall: 1/10

 

P.S. it has come to my attention that there exists a three-segment version of Dudunsparce. I think this is highly perverse, and will not be acknowledging it.
 
 

No. 982: Dudunsparce

 

No. 981: Farigiraf

 This is what we could be getting, instead of Mega Evolutions.

The original concept of Girafarig was that it was sort of a Pushmi-pullyu, a beast that's the same coming and going. That changed from the beta to a giraffe with a weird chain chomp tail, which is less biologically disconcerting. As it evolves into Farigiraf, that tail wraps around its back and swallows the main head, which is biologically terrifying.

I feel like we've lost the original "mirrored" intent, but I don't really care because Farigiraf is actually pretty neat! The secondary head looks like a hoodie, which is cute. I don't really like the transition from dark brown to black, though - those colors are too similar to put adjacent, just pick one. And if you must change, do it at the base of the head, not halfway through the head. But the overall shape of the whole Pokemon is really solid.

 

Overall: 7/10 

No. 980: Clodsire

 act of clod

Clodsire is also quite similar to Quagsire, the main different (besides coloration) being that he's laying down, and his limbs are appropriately short. This is the most plush-able Pokemon of all time. I want a giant one that I can sleep on.

Also, it sprouts spikes from its back when it attacks? is that something salamanders do? seems painful.

like Paldean Wooper, I prefer the original Quagsire, but that doesn't mean Clodsire is bad. In fact, it's wonderful. I wish to achieve the same inner peace that Clodsire demonstrates with its vacant smile.

 

Overall: 10/10 

Paldean Wooper

 whoppity whoop

Wooper was already perfect, so how does the poisonous chocolate version compare? Pretty well! They didn't even feel the need to change its proportions, like they did for Alolan Vulpix and a few others.

Its new antennae sort of look like crossbones, and the pattern on its belly suggest more bones, which I think is supposed to be like how poison bottles have a skull and crossbones on it to let you know pirates are nearby?  let you know it's dangerous? That's neat, I guess.

I dunno, I'm just not sure we really needed a new Wooper - a Newper, if you will - and at the end of the day I kinda like the original one better just cuz it was there first. But there's certainly nothing wrong with Paldean Wooper, if anything it feels like a new Shiny.

 

Overall: 10/10 

No. 979: Annihilape

 Local Ape Too Angry To Live

Cross-gen evolutions have historically been hit-or-miss, but I'm proud to announce that this one is very much a Hit. This is a Digimon-core Pokemon, in the best possible way. He's breaking out of his shackles, eyes red with anger, hair standing on end like he's channeling the Ultimate Fist of the Ass-Whuppin', and he does it all without becoming fat or throwing away Primeape's design motifs.

I can't say enough about how much I love what they did with the fur, here. It frays around his shoulders like Akuma's torn gi, hangs down like wise kung-fu master's beard, same for the ears becoming long eyebrows. It also reminds me of the sculptor from Sekiro, or any other sort of ascetic who's thrown away all notions of personal grooming to devote their life to a solitary pursuit. And you can call it super saiyan hair if you want, but I think it looks proper ghostly, waving with wrathful energy.

My only criticism is that the 3D model just has those three extraneous strands of hair floating around as if moored to the model, instead of making the whole hair flicker like flames. But I love this angry bastard so much, I can't hold it against him.

 

Overall: 10/10 

No. 978: Tatsugiri

I've never had a piece of sushi that didn't make me think "wow, this would be even better if they had just cooked the fish"

Bulbapedia twists itself into knots trying to justify why this edible morsel is part Dragon. Sure, that Curly form resembles a shachihoko, which is a dragon-fish seen on the tops of Japanese roofs (akin to the European gothic gargoyle). But it's not named Shachigiri, is it? The Japanese name is Sharitatsu, because shari is "sushi rice". But that's not Shachihoko, either. In fact, it's the "tatsu" part that makes it a Dragon, because that's what Tatsu means. So, okay, fine, it's a fish that's arbitrarily given dragonic qualities, that's fine. So why doesn't it look like it? Droopy and Stretchy forms don't have any bit of shachihoko in 'em, and NONE of that has anything to do with being some damn sushi.

Anyway.

The gimmick about jumping into Dondozo's mouth to command it like some sort of giant fishy mech is fun. It's a shame double battles aren't more prevalent in the main game, but whatever. I just don't get why it has to be sushi.

Like, the idea that it imitates food to lure in prey, then boom surprise here's Dondozo, why are other Pokemon looking to eat sushi? It inflates its stomach sac to imitate rice, for what reason? People eat sushi. Not wild animals. I think you could've done this entire gimmick and just made them big fish + little fish. 

And I still don't understand why any of that makes it a Dragon.

 

Overall: 3/10 

No. 977: Dondozo

 Big Ass Fish

Not really much to say here, Dondozo is just a big ass fish and that's what he is. Sure, the little circle of fins on his head suggests a sushi chef, but that's Tatsugiri's bag. I won't blame Dondozo for that. Bro is just out here fishin' around, being big. Fishing bigly. He's a big fish. Big ass fish.

 

Overall: Big/Fish