No. 981: Farigiraf

 This is what we could be getting, instead of Mega Evolutions.

The original concept of Girafarig was that it was sort of a Pushmi-pullyu, a beast that's the same coming and going. That changed from the beta to a giraffe with a weird chain chomp tail, which is less biologically disconcerting. As it evolves into Farigiraf, that tail wraps around its back and swallows the main head, which is biologically terrifying.

I feel like we've lost the original "mirrored" intent, but I don't really care because Farigiraf is actually pretty neat! The secondary head looks like a hoodie, which is cute. I don't really like the transition from dark brown to black, though - those colors are too similar to put adjacent, just pick one. And if you must change, do it at the base of the head, not halfway through the head. But the overall shape of the whole Pokemon is really solid.

 

Overall: 7/10 

No. 980: Clodsire

 act of clod

Clodsire is also quite similar to Quagsire, the main different (besides coloration) being that he's laying down, and his limbs are appropriately short. This is the most plush-able Pokemon of all time. I want a giant one that I can sleep on.

Also, it sprouts spikes from its back when it attacks? is that something salamanders do? seems painful.

like Paldean Wooper, I prefer the original Quagsire, but that doesn't mean Clodsire is bad. In fact, it's wonderful. I wish to achieve the same inner peace that Clodsire demonstrates with its vacant smile.

 

Overall: 10/10 

Paldean Wooper

 whoppity whoop

Wooper was already perfect, so how does the poisonous chocolate version compare? Pretty well! They didn't even feel the need to change its proportions, like they did for Alolan Vulpix and a few others.

Its new antennae sort of look like crossbones, and the pattern on its belly suggest more bones, which I think is supposed to be like how poison bottles have a skull and crossbones on it to let you know pirates are nearby?  let you know it's dangerous? That's neat, I guess.

I dunno, I'm just not sure we really needed a new Wooper - a Newper, if you will - and at the end of the day I kinda like the original one better just cuz it was there first. But there's certainly nothing wrong with Paldean Wooper, if anything it feels like a new Shiny.

 

Overall: 10/10 

No. 979: Annihilape

 Local Ape Too Angry To Live

Cross-gen evolutions have historically been hit-or-miss, but I'm proud to announce that this one is very much a Hit. This is a Digimon-core Pokemon, in the best possible way. He's breaking out of his shackles, eyes red with anger, hair standing on end like he's channeling the Ultimate Fist of the Ass-Whuppin', and he does it all without becoming fat or throwing away Primeape's design motifs.

I can't say enough about how much I love what they did with the fur, here. It frays around his shoulders like Akuma's torn gi, hangs down like wise kung-fu master's beard, same for the ears becoming long eyebrows. It also reminds me of the sculptor from Sekiro, or any other sort of ascetic who's thrown away all notions of personal grooming to devote their life to a solitary pursuit. And you can call it super saiyan hair if you want, but I think it looks proper ghostly, waving with wrathful energy.

My only criticism is that the 3D model just has those three extraneous strands of hair floating around as if moored to the model, instead of making the whole hair flicker like flames. But I love this angry bastard so much, I can't hold it against him.

 

Overall: 10/10 

No. 978: Tatsugiri

I've never had a piece of sushi that didn't make me think "wow, this would be even better if they had just cooked the fish"

Bulbapedia twists itself into knots trying to justify why this edible morsel is part Dragon. Sure, that Curly form resembles a shachihoko, which is a dragon-fish seen on the tops of Japanese roofs (akin to the European gothic gargoyle). But it's not named Shachigiri, is it? The Japanese name is Sharitatsu, because shari is "sushi rice". But that's not Shachihoko, either. In fact, it's the "tatsu" part that makes it a Dragon, because that's what Tatsu means. So, okay, fine, it's a fish that's arbitrarily given dragonic qualities, that's fine. So why doesn't it look like it? Droopy and Stretchy forms don't have any bit of shachihoko in 'em, and NONE of that has anything to do with being some damn sushi.

Anyway.

The gimmick about jumping into Dondozo's mouth to command it like some sort of giant fishy mech is fun. It's a shame double battles aren't more prevalent in the main game, but whatever. I just don't get why it has to be sushi.

Like, the idea that it imitates food to lure in prey, then boom surprise here's Dondozo, why are other Pokemon looking to eat sushi? It inflates its stomach sac to imitate rice, for what reason? People eat sushi. Not wild animals. I think you could've done this entire gimmick and just made them big fish + little fish. 

And I still don't understand why any of that makes it a Dragon.

 

Overall: 3/10 

No. 977: Dondozo

 Big Ass Fish

Not really much to say here, Dondozo is just a big ass fish and that's what he is. Sure, the little circle of fins on his head suggests a sushi chef, but that's Tatsugiri's bag. I won't blame Dondozo for that. Bro is just out here fishin' around, being big. Fishing bigly. He's a big fish. Big ass fish.

 

Overall: Big/Fish 

No. 976: Veluza

Vaultin' Veluzas!

One of the more horrifying Pokemon, Veluza literally fillets itself in order to boost its speed.



What I don't understand is why it's not related to the sushi Pokemon, Tatsugiri (coming up soon) is a completely unrelated fish. Also, between the metal coloration, translucent purple fins, angular noise-pattern-looking interior, and the way its flesh chunks just expand outwards, makes it feel like a robot. But it's not Steel-type at all, it's Water/Psychic.

idk, I don't want to think about Veluza any more than I have to. Plus we already had Barraskewda in the last gen, if you really need a seaborne danger sausage flying at mach-5 speeds.

 

Overall: 3/10 

No. 975: Cetitan

WHITE WHALE
HOLY GRAIL

Cetitan looks freakin' awesome! As with Cetoddle, I'm on board with the concept and colors, but this guy is more proportional and looks like a badass. Just a big ol' tank of a Pokemon, smashing glaciers and kicking ass and not taking shit from anybody.

then

it opens its mouth. 

and ughhhh I really wish you hadn't done that! I assumed that all three spikes were on its forehead, and the jaw would open below them, but looking at how the underbelly is colored and how that line curves around, I guess I was trying to avoid seeing the truth. This guy's teeth are higher up than his eyeballs, which exist on a thin little flap of skin. Those big, cool horns? Also only anchored by a fragile bit of flesh, and arranged in a way that surely makes using that mouth for anything impractical.

I mean it's still pretty cool overall, but Cetitan loses several points just by openings its mouth.

 

Overall: 8/10 

No. 974: Cetoddle

Did you know that whales once had legs? They evolved backwards from wolves or something. Crazy shit.

I thought I liked this line when it was first revealed, but the more I look at this artwork, the less I like it. Which is a shame, cuz I want to like it! Land whales are cool, making it Ice is bold, the colors are great. But those arms seem waaay too long. I swear they weren't like that in the game.

And even worse is how its mouth looks like a child with a cleft lip (don't look it up, it's exactly what you're thinking). The single cartoon baby goo-goo-ga-ga tooth doesn't help, either. I've been doing more of these quick redesigns lately, because sometimes the change is so simple and obvious it's crazy they never looked like this in the first place, so here:

No change on the arms, but somehow without that abomination of a mouth causing my direct psychic damage, I don't seem to care about them anymore. Also I changed the tooth into classic Gen 1 fangs, to go along with its iconic gen 1 horn.

Alas, the actual Cetoddle looks like somebody was owo'ing so hard they permanent disfigured their mouth. (still cute when it keeps its mouth shut, tho)

 

Overall: 5/10 

No. 973: Flamigo

 How many shrimps do you have to eat before you make your skin turn pink?

Yeah, Flamigo sucks. I think we all knew this was coming. Some say it's supposed to look like a boxing glove, but I think it looks like a flamingo. Not like it "punches" with its body, anyway. Doesn't even learn any punching moves. It just does flamingo shit.

Maybe if it had proper bird feet instead of flat little paws, there could be some salvaging this? But as it stands, if I saw Flamigo in somebody's yard next to their little gnomes, I'm running them both over with a lawnmover.

 

Overal1: 1/10