Hisuian Goodra

Wide Load Comin' Thru

See, now we've got a bit of the opposite problem - Goodra was the only member of its line that truly deserved its Dragon typing, but now it's doubled down on the snail motif to justify its Steel typing. Which I support on one hand, because consistency in evolution is key, but on the other hand... doesn't it look unbalanced? Like it can barely move? Hell, I'd just remove the legs and go Full Snail.

also, what's up with that dripping mucus? It's metallic, cuz it's a Steel-type, I get that. But like... why? Is it dripping mercury? Is this some sort of Metal Slime I should kill for massive EXP? Or did somebody just greyscale Goodra and not care about the implications? idk why green slime is so much more acceptable to me than silver slime, but it just is.

As a result of all of this, I somehow like Hisuian Goodra less than the normal version.

Overall: 6/10

Hisuian Sliggoo

Gary, come home!

I'm going to say it - this is pretty much what Sliggoo should have been like from the start. Instead of a weird soft-shell-snail, just commit to the bit and give my man a nice shell to call his own. Look at him, homie just woke up. He's sleepy!

but I'm also going to say it again - why the fuck is this line Dragon at all? At the very least, it ought to have a Poison or Bug typing in there somewhere, right? Nope, although I'll buy Steel for the shell at least.

still, it's a cute lil' guy, and I like how he rolls around in his shell. An improvement, at the end of the day.

Overall: 7/10

Raihan of Hammerlocke

the Kevin Durant of the Pokemon world

Raihan shows Piers how you rock a lanky frame, looking like a badass and staying on-brand. Check the coordination between shoes and hoodie, with the dragon-whisker laces. I wish we got to see more of him in the main game, because he's got a great design and his rivalry with Leon could be interesting.

Sadly, he ends up with one of the most pathetic gyms I've ever seen - you just step into his office, answer a few trivia questions, and battle a few trainers right there. It's a damn shame.

Sickass logo, though. and Raihan's hoodie looks mad comfy, I want to pull those drawstrings and make the "jaws" close up around his head.

Overall: 8/10

Ryuki of the Alola Elite Four

this guy kinda fell through the cracks when I was doing my trainer reviews a few years ago, so I'll review him here

Once you beat the Alolan League and become Champion, you can face "Challengers" in place of Kukui as the final battle. And most of those challengers are just the other trainers from the story, but also this dude, Ryuki, who comes from another region and wants to apply for the job as Dragon Gym-leader once the league gets off its feet.

Would have been cool to see that in USUM, huh! Instead, he's just this random traveling dude who maybe doesn't count? Which is a shame, because he freaking rocks. All you Dragon trainers out there need to show up with AT LEAST this amount of raw energy if you want to compete.

My boy has spikes on top of spikes, he turned his collar into some sort of maw attacking his chest, and his eyes glow white with fierce power. I do question the wisdom of leaving just your thumbs out of your gloves, even if you want to play that guitar, because I thought you needed ALL the fingers for that. But the little zettai ryouiki going on? kind of slutty, but I think that's okay

Overall: 9/10

Gigantamax no. 17: Appletun & Flaaple

Two apple drakes

Both Appletun and Flaaple have the same Gigantamax form, and that feels kinda lazy. Isn't the whole point that they're different? I guess they get different G-Moves, but I don't care.

I think you could take this version, scale it down, and use it as a base form instead of Applin. That's neat, but not a very good look for something that's supposed to be this big monster super-form. But it's actually different from its other forms, instead of just "gets bigger", so points? 

Overall: 500/1000

No. 895: Regidrago

 a dragon about to chomp a pill

Maybe 985 Pokemon deep is too late to question what makes "being a dragon" an element in the same way that Fire, Water, Rock, and the rest are. Oh well. Regidrago's name rolls off the tongue better, but still breaks the "rules" and doesn't use the literal type name.

The colors are good, the problem is that the design is kinda goofy. Dude looks like one of those Beast Wars Transformers, except he's missing his own head and limbs. So he's just a torso with big floating shoulder pads. Oh, and two little stumps, because why not. I'm not a huge fan. 

Overall: 3/10

No. 890: Eternatus

BEWARE MY POLYGONAL FURY 

This guy sucks majorly. He's so clearly designed to be a "boss" first and a "Pokemon" second, and while you want a little of that for your Legendary, the end result is something that looks like a Kingdom Hearts boss. or the villain from a Digimon movie.

Besides, didn't they kind of do this aesthetic already with Necrozma? All sharp angles because that's easier to model than something with curves, and becomes an unreadable mess unless you're looking at a fully rotating 3D model? I know the games are 3D now and they take that into account when designing, but I think it's a sign of bad design when the end result is such a jumbled mess like this.

Overall: 1/10

No. 887: Dragapult

if you can hear it coming, that means it's already too late.

Dragapult kicks immense amounts of ass. This is the sort of shit that keeps me coming back to Pokemon, because as many stinkers as they put out, they'll eventually hit upon some absolutely bangers. It's everything cool about Drakloak, except MORE. The narrowed eyes and low profile head let you know it means business, the chevrons got fixed up, I like his little red fingers, the entire concept is still cool beyond belief, everything is going right.

Also can we talk about how it's a Ghost type, so its tail is trailing off into invisibility? Brilliant. Dragapult is fast as hell, hits hard, launches its offspring like heat-seeking missiles, and does it all while making every other Dragon-type look goofy.

Overall: 10/10

No. 886: Drakloak

 take your kid to work day

So, I'll ask the question - when your Dreepy evolves into Drakloak, where does the extra Dreepy come from? How come it doesn't need its own Pokeball? What if THAT Dreepy also evolves into a Drakloak, do they stack? 

but even as we wrack our brains to figure out the implications of such a conundrum, we have to admit that Drakloak is pretty cool. Stealth bomber head on a ghost dragon body, that's fantastic. And I love how it uses Dreepy as missiles, reminds me of those old Digimon who shot "living" missiles.

The only note I have against it is that I think the red chevron on its chest should be centered better. Why's it overlapping the yellow part? Dragapult doesn't have that problem.

Overall: 9/10

No. 885: Dreepy

my favorite missile 

Ghost/Dragon is a banging type combo. and we start off strong with Dreepy, who's got that perfect blend of "cute" and "weirdo". He looks like a muppet, or those Creepies from Super Mario World. Honestly I don't have much else to say about the guy, I'm just excited to get on to his evolved forms.

Overall: 8/10

No. 884: Duraludon

How come all those kids in high school had lighters on them at all times, despite not smoking?  

What's weird is that according to the Pokedex, Duraludon is relatively light. You'd think he'd be one sturdy boy, but I guess that's aluminum armor. Or maybe he's hollow.

But I admire the restraint to not just make a literal lighter Pokemon - someone had the good idea to at least wrap it up in a basic Dragon monster design, and that's probably for the best. The game already has a literal teacup, after all.

I'm taking away points for the stainless steal turtleneck, though. It was a look on Best Jeanist, but at least he can turn his head. Duraludon looks like he's wearing a neck brace.

Overall: 5/10

No. 882: Dracovish

 "I was not meant to live..."

This one is maybe the most horrifying. Why would you stick the head at the end of the tail? And just leave the cauterized stump of that dragon half out in the open? I know real-life archaeologists got stuff wrong sometimes, swapping arms and legs or thinking a claw was a horn. But you have to be absolutely deranged to think this was a good idea. Look at the poor thing, it lives in agony and struggles to hold its head up because otherwise its own spikes will stab itself. At the very least, recognizes that the spikes go on the OUTSIDE!

Some genius made this edit and I think it speaks for itself. The worst part is that this dumbass symbol of man's hubris to play God was actually meta-relevant in the competitive scene.


Overall: 1/10

No. 880: Dracozolt

Thank you for waiting. NAPACE will now resume it's regularly scheduled programming.

this Dragon really do be draggin' that wagon. and is pretty much my favorite fossil this time around. (although that isn't saying much)

See, the gimmick is that there's two heads and two tails, and none of them match, but the dumbass Galarian archaeologist mashes them up anyway. Thus, you get 4 possible combinations. Each with their own typing, and none of them Rock! Which is nice, I was tired of every fossil Pokemon having to be Rock just because they're old.

Electric/Dragon is fresh, and Dracozolt still looks like a basic skeletal structure. Just with dummy thicc thighs and a dumptruck ass. Or, it looks like a reanimated dragon lower body with some smaller dragon parasite emerging from its guts, if you'd prefer that mental image.

Overall: 6/10

No. 842: Appletun

Nothing more American than apple pie!

Truly the superior Applin evolution, on account of not looking like dogshit, is Appletun. Its ears are actually its eyes, which is weird but kinda fun. I like how "fairy tale" it looks, like something out of a Mother Goose rhyme. And maybe its the pie connection, but Appletun reminds me of Treetrunks from Adventure Time?

I only wish it were a lot bigger, being just the size of a pie itself makes sense but as with all broad, comfy Pokemon, I wish to ride upon them. Just imagine taking a nap on a soft piecrust bed, with that sweet warm smell around you.


Overall: 7/10

No. 841: Flapple

shout-outs to Bakugan

Your Applin finally evolved, and if you're playing Sword then you got this freaky bitch, frantically flapping its wings to stay afloat. I wonder if this concept started as a Dragon who's caught in its shell, but then instead of building the rest of its evolutions they just re-worked it into a possible end for the Applin line. I just find it hard to believe that they had SO MANY good ideas for "apple Pokemon" that they couldn't choose and decided to include both Flapple and Appletun in the game.

Like, maybe if there was another form from here? some sort of cool apple-themed dragon? But this is lowkey insulting as a final evolution.


Overall: 2/10

No. 840: Applin

this is just an Earthbound enemy

There's an alarming number of Dragon pokemon that are really biologically closer to worms. I mean it's just the Goomy line and now this, but that's still about 2 more than I really think should exist.

I know it has this typing for its future forms, but we'll get there. Right now, I just gotta say that no apple has ever looked as delicious as the ones you throw in Pokemon Snap. Shoutouts to the new game coming soon, I can't wait. I hope they include more routes, and ways to upload your photos online to compare with others, and make your own scrapbooks, and of course a ton of new Pokemon, and multiplayer games where you both sit in the "car" and take your best pics like a safari cruise at Disneyworld, and... oh right, this is about Applin.

I don't know, it's a silly little worm in an apple. I guess that's cool. But not really.


Overall: 4/10

No. 804: Naganadel

don't tell nobody, but I used to be terrified of needles as a kid.

So I'm still waiting for a Poison/Dragon type that looks like Magellan's hydra from One Piece, instead of a cybertronic syringe or whatever the heck Dragalge was. But, I suppose we'll make do.

Naganadel looks like a Yu-Gi-Oh monster, is the thing. I get that it's an Ultra Beast, and theoretically a Legendary, and maybe those look more Yugi-esque than normal Pokemon. But still, Naganadel looks like it has 1700 attack and 1100 defense, and is a 3-star Tuner Monster that has some weird synergy that involves sending your hand into your opponent's graveyard to banish spells from your deck so that you can summon 16 monsters in one turn or some bullshit.

no, I'm not bitter, what are you talking about.

Anyway, it's alright, but somehow not crazy enough to be a good Ultra Beast? idk, I don't get the "otherworldly" feeling.

Ultra Grade: C+

Alolan Exeggutor

long pokemon is long

I think it's been established now that when it comes to humor, Gamefreak and I aren't often on the same page. For my part, while I can appreciate a silly design or pun, that wears thin very quickly when I have to constantly send it out into battle. A joke depends on the initial shock, and seeing Alolan Exeggutor's Manute Bol-lookin' ass over and over doesn't make it any funnier.

The boy is tall. That's it, that's the joke. Everybody laugh, now! Remember to keep laughing! No, we didn't think through the design any more than that! He looks as out of place among all the other Pokemon as one vertical video among a bunch of proper horizontal ones. (side note: what sort of deranged sociopath shoots vertical videos, anyway? Human eyes are arranged side-by-side, not one on top of the other. When I see someone do a pan around their backyard with their phone held vertically, instead of simply turning that phone 90 degrees and getting the entire scene they wanted in the shot at once, I want to strangle some one. Anyway.)

Oh, and he's also got a tail with another head on it, because why the hell not. Dragon-type, too. Do you see anything draconic about this walking wooden Burj Khalifa? I don't. But I guess it's another little joke, like Mega Ampharos. Oh, the fun we have~

I mean, I have to admit I enjoyed all the jokes and memes people made about it when it was released, so it was good in that way. But I honestly don't like the proportions - I'm aware of what actual palm trees look like, I lived on Hawai'i, but I think regular Exeggutor does a fine job of abstracting that concept down into a fun monster design. This Tall & Slim Edition wasn't needed at all.

 

No. 799: Guzzlord

Its ya boy, Guzzlordma!

oh boy. Where to begin with this fat, pointy tub of sin? It seems like he was designed by a committee, and that committee consisted entirely of 8-year old boys, so each one added something he thought would be super-cool and scary and awesome. That's how Guzzlord ended up with a gaping trash compactor mouth, converyor belt tongue, spiked mace for a tail, battle-axe wings, piranha plant arms coming out of his mouth, and a secondary head that looks like the Black Knight.

Guzzlord looks like he eats the souls of children, then shits out nightmares and centipedes. He looks like the final boss of a JRPG, when the big bad fuses with the recently-awakened Ancient Evil. He looks like the end product of that one dad who draws really detailed character/monster designs based on his kid's doodles.

Now, I keep saying this, but I expect a good deal of insanity from the Ultra Beasts. They should look like weirdo demons from another dimension. But does Guzzlord go too far? I say not far enough. The proportions are off - I like the idea of a bottomless maw, but it dominates the design so that all the other shit look like T-rex limbs, vestigial and useless. I would've made an entire secondary torso up there, maybe give him a wicked sword or something, too. And badass pauldrons. And another pair of legs, so he doesn't have to waddle everywhere.


Ultra Grade: B

No. 784: Kommo-o

Off the Florida keys / there's a place called Kommo-o ~

imagine how much noise this guy makes just moving around. Every daily activity is a constant cacophony of rattling plates and scales. The tiniest motion sets off a chain reaction of clattering and banging. It must be deafening.

That aside, Kommo-o is looking regal af with all that bling, peep the headdress and damn Royal Scepter of a tail. Random fringe of fur (feathers?) around the shoulders plays into it, too. Actually, looking back at Jangmo-o, he's got a tiny tuft on his chest, so I guess the feathers (fur?) aren't totally random.

I think there's a truly badass concept at work here, but there's just a little too much of it. It's all a cohesive design, repetition of the same motif, so that's better than some other disorganized messes of Pokemon, but it's just enough to push it into the "shoulda been a Digimon" territory for me. We're talking like 10% too much? Remove the all-grey plate dangle, maybe calm down the neck a bit, and it would be perfect.


Overall: 9/10