No. 898: Calyrex

There's nothing scarier than a poorly-designed Pokemon.

I can't quite believe what I'm about to write, but I can't quite believe what I'm seeing, either.

I have a new least-favorite Pokemon.

Dunsparce was awful, we've been over that. I'm not coming around on it or anything. But Calyrex is just so offensively terrible in every single way that it's overpowering my two-decades-long feud with the Dunce.

Where to begin? How about at the top, with this ginormous oversized bomb fruit braincel noggin. Maybe it's supposed to be a crown, but it looks like a swollen egg sac from a Metroid enemy. Then below that, we have the most serious face in the world, a real Princess Mononoke deer-god snuggled right in between the aforementioned balloon and what appear to be Akuma's prayer beads but with the Triforce on them.

Already this sounds nightmarish, but it gets worse. Basic stubby body, basic bitch arm flaps, then LONG ASS SLENDERMAN TOOTHPICK LEGS. No feed, just thigh-highs. And this royal piece of shit has the audacity to pose with one arm out like "whoosh" like he did something. There's a little cape or wings or whatever but NO, fuck you dude.

I mocked up some suggestions that don't completely save this wretched thing, but are at least improvements on whatever bullshit concept they had going on. Version 1 just downsizes stuff so he's still a weird little serious gremlin, the second leans into the "what the fuck" factor for maximum weirdness. I would still hate both of these, but I wouldn't feel the outright revulsion I do when I look at actual Calyrex.

And then, to make things even worse, this Little Lord Fuckleroy has the nerve to mount those glorious steeds Glastrier and Spectrier, and ride them like he thinks he's Napoleon.

I despise this with every fiber of my being. It's a sin and a crime. I'm going to fly to Gamefreak's house and beat them up.

Overall: -1/10

No. 807: Zeraora

yare yare daze

hey look its' Eletctric Lucario wha thef uck do youo want I''m durnk


 Overall:
7

New Zygarde forms

I wasn't sure if I should do these yet or not, since they aren't even technically in any game. But I've been biting my tongue for too long, and it's starting to go numb.

Basically, this is some stupid shit. This is the dumb stuff right here, ladies and gentlemen. This is the sort of material you get when you're done scraping the bottom of the barrel, and you actually break through the bottom and start digging into the ground below.

First, it needs to be re-established that base form Zygarde looks like this:
Oh sorry, I meant 50% Zygarde, because this slimy turd thinks he's Toguro or something. Well, you may be 50%, but you'll always be 100% terrible to me, Zygarde. Anyway, I don't understand why we're humoring your dumb ass and giving you all these fucking forms and stuff - Did anybody want this? Any single human being on the face of the planet?

The other thing you will immediately notice is that 50% Zygarde bears little to no resemblance to 10% or 100% Zygarde. He goes from a dog, to a slug, to a gundam. Sure, he tried to maintain this hexagonal Razer-sponsored pattern, but there's no link besides that.

I won't even do them the decency of rating them separately, because they're all equally terrible. The dog is awful because it just looks like a re-coloring of someone else's OC, and the gundam ruins any attempt at a color scheme with red and blue panels, plus just generally looking like a particularly noxious Digimon. It's fucking awful and I want it to go away.

Finally, and those "core" and "cell" designs? I'm not sure what purpose they serve, other than to complete the Digimon link, and have redundant baby and even-more-baby forms of things. They look as if they were drawn on a napkin by someone's little brother, and then imported into MS paint and colored with the paint bucket. The kid who drew this, and the one who drew Druddigon, should get together for a playdate some time.

Oh, and the less said about GreninjAsh, the better. I don't understand, and I don't want to understand.

Overall: 0/100%

ps if they seriously add in fucking fusion dances with your Pokemon as the new gimmick next game I am gonna lose my goddamn mind

The Worst 25 Pokemon of All Time

This is it. This is what this blog was founded on. Some Pokemon are really aces, you guys. They're cool or cute or badass or whatever!

Then you get some that are blights on the face of mankind. Specimens so awful, it's a wonder they were ever brought into the daylight. Horrific fusions of poor taste and misplaced design goals, I despite every single one of them with an unhealthy passion. But all that hate eats you up inside. And so, with this, I consider it case closed, I feel merely pity -

Sadly, not all Pokemon are created equal.


25. Barboach
24. Cherrim
23. Druddigon
22. Barbaracle
21. Phione
20. Smoochum
19. Rhyperior
18. Burmy
17. Garbodor
16. Kyurem
15. Mime Jr.
14. Cherubi
13. Staravia
12. Mothim
11. Azurill
10. Sigilyph
9. Wormadam
8. Drapion
7. Mega Manectric
6. Mega Aerodactyl
5. Tranquil
4. Uxie
3. Zygarde
2. Klefki
1. Dunsparce

Now, how about you? I'm sure you have a shit-list. Give me your bottom 10s!

No. 348: Armaldo

Last year's Christmas Pokemon was Muk. This time we have the slightly-less jolly Armaldo.

And by slightly-less jolly, I mean pissed as peas. Armaldo is so angry, his eyes migrated to the side of his head just to turn their sockets into cartoonish ANGRY EYEBALLS. His eyes don't turn, how could they, they clearly aren't round. Instead, they are locked in place, Armaldo's vexatious gaze forever fixed straight ahead. Woe to all who cross it.

Aside from that, Armaldo seems to have given up on actually looking like a hideous ancient deep-sea creature, and settled for "vaguely dinosaurian". Is that why he's mad? He's also got a ton of shit going on, from those wing-cases to the feather spikes to the plate armor. He must be ticked because he's a mess and he knows it, and he can't do a damn thing about it.

Maybe he should drink some eggnog and lighten up. That's what I'm doing. I'm eggnoggier than a Welsh giraffe. And that's pretty damn eggnoggy, let me tell you.


Overall: 4/10