Paldean Tauros

 doing this here with all the other regional evolutions, so I don't forget

For a Spain-inspired region, there's not a whole lot of Spanish flavor in Paldea. But if there's one thing I was looking forward to, it was a bullfighting Pokemon. El toro y el matador, you know? So what they decided to do with this easy layup is... odd, to say the least.

First up, it's just a regional form of Tauros. Which isn't awful, I mean they could have just made a new bull Pokemon, but they already have one, so hey. But when I saw it, I thought it was just a shiny Tauros. Then I noticed its horns were blunted. Somehow, this makes it a Fighting type.

I mean, yes, it is a bull that fights, because bullfighting, so Fighting, that's fine. But wouldn't that make it look, idk, more aggressive? Shouldn't the horns be emphasized, if anything?


Then I realized that there are multiple forms of this regional form, which seems pretty pointlessly confusing, especially since Blaze Breed is easily the best of the lot and should have been the only one. Fire/Fighting is a better combo, it has badass horns, plus the tail being braided into a bullwhip is such a cool detail! It's one of those rare regional forms that's just a straight improvement on the original in every way.


Finally, the Aqua Breed, just seems redundant. Why do we have this water buffalo? This isn't Veggie Tales. Its horns look dumb, and spinning its tails like a propeller in the water is barely anything.

But again, I have to ask: Why are there three of these guys? I would have simply done Blaze Breed on its own, that's Paldean Tauros, no further questions. If there must be multiple, then I suppose Fire and Water are traditional counterparts, whatever. But then why does there exist a third version whose defining characteristic is just "lacks the defining characteristics of the other two"? Especially since you could just use regular Kanto Tauros in that role. I don't get it.

 

Combat Breed: 6/10

Blaze Breed: 10/10

Aqua Breed: 4/10 

No. 978: Tatsugiri

I've never had a piece of sushi that didn't make me think "wow, this would be even better if they had just cooked the fish"

Bulbapedia twists itself into knots trying to justify why this edible morsel is part Dragon. Sure, that Curly form resembles a shachihoko, which is a dragon-fish seen on the tops of Japanese roofs (akin to the European gothic gargoyle). But it's not named Shachigiri, is it? The Japanese name is Sharitatsu, because shari is "sushi rice". But that's not Shachihoko, either. In fact, it's the "tatsu" part that makes it a Dragon, because that's what Tatsu means. So, okay, fine, it's a fish that's arbitrarily given dragonic qualities, that's fine. So why doesn't it look like it? Droopy and Stretchy forms don't have any bit of shachihoko in 'em, and NONE of that has anything to do with being some damn sushi.

Anyway.

The gimmick about jumping into Dondozo's mouth to command it like some sort of giant fishy mech is fun. It's a shame double battles aren't more prevalent in the main game, but whatever. I just don't get why it has to be sushi.

Like, the idea that it imitates food to lure in prey, then boom surprise here's Dondozo, why are other Pokemon looking to eat sushi? It inflates its stomach sac to imitate rice, for what reason? People eat sushi. Not wild animals. I think you could've done this entire gimmick and just made them big fish + little fish. 

And I still don't understand why any of that makes it a Dragon.

 

Overall: 3/10 

No. 977: Dondozo

 Big Ass Fish

Not really much to say here, Dondozo is just a big ass fish and that's what he is. Sure, the little circle of fins on his head suggests a sushi chef, but that's Tatsugiri's bag. I won't blame Dondozo for that. Bro is just out here fishin' around, being big. Fishing bigly. He's a big fish. Big ass fish.

 

Overall: Big/Fish 

No. 976: Veluza

Vaultin' Veluzas!

One of the more horrifying Pokemon, Veluza literally fillets itself in order to boost its speed.



What I don't understand is why it's not related to the sushi Pokemon, Tatsugiri (coming up soon) is a completely unrelated fish. Also, between the metal coloration, translucent purple fins, angular noise-pattern-looking interior, and the way its flesh chunks just expand outwards, makes it feel like a robot. But it's not Steel-type at all, it's Water/Psychic.

idk, I don't want to think about Veluza any more than I have to. Plus we already had Barraskewda in the last gen, if you really need a seaborne danger sausage flying at mach-5 speeds.

 

Overall: 3/10 

No. 964: Palafin

Neo Spacian Aqua Dolphin
 
So I don't wanna spend more than 10 seconds on Zero Form, it's literally just Palafin but with a heart on it. What we really came here for is Hero Form.

I love the concept here. Dolphins are known to rescue shipwrecked people, so it's an easy leap from that heroic image to an actual superhero, and from there to this "alter-ego quick-change" gimmick. (let's just ignore the reality that dolphins are often aggressive and cruel irl) And the way that gimmick is incorporated into the battle system really well - you have to swap him out, so he can duck into a phone booth to change. Fun!

The problem comes in the execution of the design. Palafin looks like a dork. His goggles are screwed in too tight, looking like Kurt Angle on that one episode of TNA. Then his tail becomes an un-dolphin-like split so that he can stand up, which is pointless because he's a water type - they don't need to stand up. They can just levitate in the animations. (which would also be a very superhero thing to do!) Also, he's got fingers but not a thumb. This just looks wrong.

But the biggest mistake is in giving him this Dracula-esque collar. Spawn and Dr. Strange are maybe the only heroes who use that, so it's a very odd design choice - especially when you think about how it would ruin the hydrodynamic shape! And come to think of it, where's the cape? He's even got the fasteners on his shoulders, but no cape? Just a collar? It's bizarre, and looks stupid.

btw, I don't understand why this had to be a two-stage evolution Pokemon. idk if you can even call it dex padding, because they still had to make two distinct designs, but. It's one more weird oddity dragging down what should be a really fun Pokemon. I'm rating it lower just because of how disappointed I am.

 

Overall: 2/10

No. 963: Finizen

 Ecco the Dolphin was a trip and a half

It's sometimes shocking to find that such basic animal concepts as "dolphin" still haven't been covered by Pokemon, well into the 9th gen. Finizen does a fine job of it, I like the aquamarine colors. Maybe they could have spiced up the design more than they did, it's almost literally just a dolphin, but knowing the major gimmick coming up I understand playing this one safe.

As such, my only real critique is the eyes. I thought it had big eyes with big pupils, but actually it has bulging eyes and no sclera. And now I can't stop noticing it.

 

Overall: 7/10 

No. 961: Wugtrio

 what if there were 3 of them

Not a fan of reversing the color scheme, the pink bodies make them look somehow obscene. And the fact that they all come out of the rock, which then slides around all over the place when they move, is awful. This is a Pokemon that was designed to exist as a static image, not a 3D model that moves through the environment, which you'd think would be the opposite of how they design them nowadays.

 

Overall: 3/10 

No. 960: Wiglett

happy Wiglett Wednesday to all who celebrate


I've said before that I like these Convergent Evolution Pokemon, and I view them as functionally identical to Regional Forms. In fact, I wish all Regional Forms could be separately categorized in the Pokedex, as if they were completely independent Pokemon (because they are).

But, as for Wiglett itself, I'm pretty sure I fought this thing in Yoshi's Island. Cute little fella, not much else to say.


Overall: 7/10 

No. 914: Quaquaval

¡viva fiesta!

I get that this is a reference to the Carnival dancers, and that Quaquaval has turned from a duck into a peacock. But Carnival is usually associated with Brazil, not Spain. And if he's a peacock, he's a freaking ugly one.

You can't see it in this artwork, but Quaquaval summons a halo of water-feathers to act as a tail when in battle. It kinda looks like crap, though. And those Ikki the Phoenix feathers trailing from his hips don't help. Not to mention the bell-bottoms and freaky mutant toes.

Also the overall posture is just really off-putting to me, like why's he cranking that dumpy so far back? Calm down.

Overall: 2/10

No. 913: Quaxwell

must work out at the library

When the starters were first revealed, I saw Quaxly and thought, "Oh, it's a Don Quixote reference, he'll probably evolve into Ducky-xote and be a proud knight or something". Cuz of the name, and the fact that Paldea is Spain, right? Wrong.

Instead, Quaxwell is a big-noggin unibrow doofus wearing a crop top and crocs. I've heard of the ugly duckling, but this is taking it too far. Especially since that story ends with a beautiful swan, and Quaxwell is destined for... well, that's for another day.

Overall: 1/10

No. 912: Quaxly

Todomatsu lookin ass

I think copyright laws are pretty dumb most of the time, and overly stringent. That said, I kinda wish Disney would come along and copyright strike this Donald Duck ripoff right out of the game. I hate looking at him and his silly little hat. Quaxly looks like the annoying Animal Crossing villager who moves to your town and refuses to leave no matter how many times you hit him with a net.

Overall: 3/10

No. 902: Basculegion

Big Mouth Billy Bass

First of all, you need to know that Basculegion comes in two flavors. The above is male, sporting a snazzy red mustache. The one below is female, as you can tell by the eyelashes and lipstick.

Also, on the off chance anyone cares, the Basculin you find in Hisui isn't the territorial Red or Blue striped versions from Unova, but a new White-striped form. Oddly, both male and female Basculin share their coloring with the female Basculegion. Not sure if that means anything.

Anyway, with all that out of the way, Basculegion itself - one of the most morbid Pokedex entries ever. "Clad in the souls of its comrades who perished before finishing the journey upstream to mate." In other words, it's wearing armor made from the souls of dead virgins. Goth.

The design is fine, I guess that's what a ghostly salmon would look like, but mainly it won me over by being so helpful in the game. Being able to jump into the sea or river and instantly start swimming kicks ass, especially because you can double-jump for some reason. Sure, this role gets overshadowed once you get flight near the end of the game, but Basculegion did its role well.

Overall: 6/10

Hisuian Samurott

so how bout that Scarlet/Violet trailer, huh? 

Vanilla Samurott kinda sucked, and Hisui hasn't treated him much better. He's still fundamentally dumb, with a "samurai" theme made incomprehensible due to lack of any iconic samurai motifs, and a "shell sword" gimmick made  awkward due to being on all fours.

the new Dark typing gives his armor some extra spikes and flair, but it's too little too late. They had an opportunity to really redeem the design, maybe go Water/Fighting and have him stand upright, but alas. I'm gonna dock this one even lower than the original, too. Just for refusing to make any improvements whatsoever.

Overall: 3/10

Nessa of Hulbury

rare sighting of the Loch Nessa Monster

 

There's a bit of a unifying design trend with the Gym Leaders in Galar - they're all sporty, because this league is run like a tournament. It's a cool idea, and goes with the British obsession with Football (although you could just have easily done the same for Unova, with New York's various sporting obsessions). Some of the leaders find it hard to work in the sponsor logos and weird tiny glove, but Nessa isn't one of them.

No, she makes this shit look good. I feel like there's perhaps 1 too many colors going on here, between the 3 shades of blue and green jewelry, but it's not enough to ruin a stellar design. My only other note is her ankle-floaties - usually people put flotation devices near the parts that need to stay above the water, like heads. But Nessa's feed will never drown. So that's cool.

Am I going easy on her because she's a babe? Possibly. But she's also a Queen, which is more important.

Overall: 9/10

Gigantamax no. 30: Inteleon

Sniping's a good job, mate.

I used the large version of this one because otherwise it's so damn skinny you can't hardly make out anything. Although I suppose there's not much to make out? It's just Inteleon using its tail as a sniper platform, and making a water-gun from its finger.

I think this would actually be better if it was a geyser keeping it afloat, the frill on the tail makes you think it's a water spout but no. That's just his tail. Compare/Contrast with Gigantamax Sanaconda, if you want.

Gigantamax Inteleon is silly, but not offensively so.

Overall: 500/1000

Gigantamax no. 27: Blastoise

Fortress Whale, eat your heart out

okay now this is what I'm talking' about! Blastoise turning into a giant fortress is exactly the sort of cool idea that only makes sense if the Pokemon itself is actually that big. Instead of its guns getting larger, it just gets MORE of them. My guy looks like he's got several battleships worth of gunnery on there.

Blastoise is already great, and while this doesn't replace the original, or look like a potential 4th evolution, it works perfectly as a temporary power-up mode. In other words, it's one of the few Gigantamax designs that's actually doing its job.

Overall: 1000/1000

Gigantamax no. 15: Drednaw

Four chomping turtles

yeah this one sucks. Surprisingly, not many Gigantamax forms are outright embarrassments, but Gigantamax Dreadnaw is embarrassment enough for all of them. its pathetic legs can't even touch the ground, and its face has withdrawn so far into that foreskin of a neck it can't bite anything anymore. Usually I like to see jaggedy elements like its rocky shell, but I hate Drednaw so instead all I feel is scorn.

I can't believe they thought this was really good enough to make the signature Pokemon for one of the Gym Leaders. Nessa deserves much better.

Overall: 100/1000

Gigantamax no. 8: Lapras

Eleven sea monsters surfing

Not much different here, is there? Just kinda a bigger Lapras with an icy barrier and slightly different shell. I think they definitely could have done more hear, like made icicles on the shell, or made the shell into a castle, something.

Do you think the ice crystals on that barrier are intended to look like musical notes? What melody would that be even, doesn't look like Megalovania or the ones from Close Encounters.

Nothing much happens here, but at least it doesn't ruin Lapras in any way.

Overall: 500/1000

Gigantamax no. 7: Kingler

Twelve crabs a-crawling

Gigantamax Kingler put on his Santa beard, how festive! Just don't think about how it's actually bubbles made from his own spit. Shoutouts to making your own beard out of shampoo foam in the bath as a kid, btw. 

Also disturbing - are those TEETH in its claws? like, just big freaking molars??? sweet Christ. and if they aren't teeth, the only other thing that occurs to me is that it's like raw crabmeat somehow poking through the shell. Which is also highly disturbing, it's like a giant enemy crab that grew its own weak spots you can hit for massive damage.

Big crabs could be cool, but this one has a silly beard and upsetting teeth/flesh inside its claws. I'm shuddering.

Overall: 200/1000

No. 892: Urshifu

 Be like water, my friend

Urshifu has a Akira Yuki tstsuzanko going on, and looks pretty badass. I like the studded knuckles, and again the bandanna. Hey, does he have a little bit of chin fuzz going on? They're really swinging for the fences on the bear market, huh.

Now, there's two forms for Urshifu. Single Strike was that first one, and now Rapid Strike. Basically it's Bajiquan vs Tai Chi, as far as styles are concerned. Note how the designs are actually the same, it's just that in Single Strike all the fur is rising up, whereas in Rapid Strike it's flowing down. Kinda neat, but makes it odd you get hard locked into one form or the other, without being able to swap. (for the record, I like Single Strike more) 

Overall: 8/10