Mega Evolution no. 46: Audino

Would you like to make a contract?

Awww, look! It's got a little stethoscope! And a cute lil' labcoat! And cute lil' booties!

Mega Audino is almost too cute, for real. It's one of those Megas where I wish it could just be the regular evolution. But also isn't it pretty freaking stupid that they had to give a Mega to something from the 6th gen? like, you couldn't make it good enough already? It's like the most convoluted balance patch ever.

But yeah, I like it. Mega Audino really runs with the "doctor" theme, much more than Blissey or Chansey ever did, who just remained big fluffy eggs. Audio is fluffy and egg-shaped, but as you can see, it has curly tendrils and ears and shit, so obviously it is superior.


Overall: 8/10

Mega Evolution no. 45: Gallade

As any parent knows, you can't give one child a Mega Evolution without their sibling also demanding one.

I think this could be called an improvement. It still has the awkward Amazing World of Gumball hips, an a blue crest for no reason (why not red?), but at least it looks cooler.

Actually making the arm blades out of the red blades that have been established by all previous forms was a good move. And the crest looks more Kinnikuman-esque, so that's neat. Also I dig the split cape, which echoes the style of the feet, and reminds me of Mega Gardevoir's dress flaps.

what's up with the chest gem shrinking, tho? Does that signify anything? What are those things supposed to be, anyway, does the Pokedex ever mention it? I suppose I could look this up, but that sounds too much like work.


Overall: 7/10

Mega Evolution no. 44: Lopunny

goddamit Gamefreak you know exactly what you're doing, don't you

Of course Gardevoir and Lopunny were gonna get mega evos. I should have guessed.

But while Gardevoir was pretty alright, Lopunny is just a trainwreck of a Pokemon, from head to toe, not a single thing goes right here. What jumps out at me first, is the bizarre intersection of arms and neck at the top of its torso, looking like the kind of anatomy 2nd graders draw. That head is going to snap that neck, and the stick-thin arms look ridiculous compared to the generous thighs.

Oh, and let's talk about those thighs - Lopunny appears to be wearing stockings with "sexy" rips in them! Wonderful! Also it stuck its arms in a pair of giant packing peanuts, but that's another issue.

Wait no, let's also talk about the giant-ass butterfly just on the front of its head like it's trying to teach Kate Winslet how to fly. Or maybe we could talk about how stupid it is that its ears have multiple scrunchies on them, further contributing the image of a sepia-tone 80's jazzercise bunny.


Overall: 1/10

Mega Evolution no. 43: Rayquaza

going to ride a bicycle made of nightmares straight up your ass

Rayquaza is one of my favorite legendaries, he's badass as hell. Mega Rayquaza coul have been even cooler, but he screws the pooch in a major way - those tendrils.

They look out of place and completely ruin the silhouette. And they aren't even nice thin curves, one of 'em has hoops in it, and is otherwise smooth, while the top ones are crackly and jaggedy! Show some consistency! And get rid of the crap on the end of your tail, too.

Because with that gone, it's just a Rayquaza with Dragonballs embedded in his side, and a mean-ass mandible piece for cutting down entire forests or something. And then the Seven-Pronged-Sword marking on his eye is badass as well.

A pity I can barely make out all that, thanks to the neon tentacles flapping around all over the place like a 15-year-old at a Nightcore rave.


Overall: 6/10

Mega Evolution no. 42: Latias/Latios

they look so goddamn like the same person, I would say to them "you want ice cream cone", they would both say yes

Yeah, I can't tell these wonky funks apart, so I'm doing them both at the same time. Red and Blue both go to Purple, makes sense to me.

Anyway, this is another Mega form for a Legendary, which I just disagree with on principle. Legendaries are already overpowered, do they need to get more overpowered-er? Gamefreak thinks so.

The design has some good points, the arms becoming full pods and all. But I think they still ought to have proper wings on their backs, instead of trailing under-side wing-legs danglers. And is it just me, or is the color combination, combined with the way they look like they're wearing diapers, remind you of Mewtwo?


Overall: 3/10

Mega Evolution no. 41: Metagross

I don't know why I expected anything else from Mega Metagross

Beldum was a single arm. Metang is two of those arms on a body. Metagross is two Metangs stuck together. So, logically, Mega Metagross is two Metagross stuck together, length-wise.

That's right - it's hard to tell from this picture, but he has FOUR MORE ARMS on the back end there. They aren't quite as large, but still. It's ridiculous, but again - could it have been anything else? It's this kind of insane yet consistent logic that I can't help but love. I wish Magnezone has used it, and been a cluster of Magnemite all together, instead of just one dumb flying saucer mofo.

Oh, and Mega Metagross also gets some gold plating on his X and a chin-spike, so he can swag all over everything. As well as ram you like a Trireme. As if he didn't already have enough ways to destroy faces.

I like the idea here, but I'm taking off a point because I'm not sure it's executed quite as well as it could have been. Why not an 8-legged spider monster?


Overall: 9/10

Mega Evolution no. 40: Salamence

they said I could become anything I wanted. So I became a frisbee.

What the greater hell is happening here, exactly. Salamence has always been kinda doofy, but he just kicked it up a notch. His wings are now just a big-ol crescent shape, which by all accounts shouldn't be able to move, which means he has to glide everywhere.

Which is kind of a step down, isn't it? his lil' backpack harness straps there aren't helping this illusion, he looks like he just strapped in for some ziplining. Oh, and I thought he cut off his arms at first, but it turns out he just tucked them in like his hands were cold and he's sticking them under his shirt into his armpits, like we've all done.

But in any case, Mega Salamence looks stupid. Going from a dragon with the power of free flight, to some sort of armless lizard strapped to a moon disc, is not my idea of an upgrade.


Overall: 1/10

Mega Evolution no. 39: Glalie

I don't know how they managed to make Glalie even more terrifying, but they did

Because the only thing more terrifying than a pissed-off ball of ice wearing Jason Voorhees' mask is a pissed-off ball of ice wearing Jason Voorhees' mask with a neckbeard.

Except he's still not Dark/Ice, what the heck. Dude is unhinging his jaw in order to swallow a small child whole, and has dirty slush all up in his ice bits, how is he not deserving of a Dark subtype? Actually, scratch that - this nightmare is 7 feel in diameter, which means he could eat a goddamn normal adult without much problem. Jesus Christers.

Look, Glalie is cool, but Mega Glalie is just something else. I don't care for the neckbeard, and black/cyan is an ugly color combination. He just scares me, and I want him to go away.


Overall: 2spooky/10

Mega Evolution no. 38: Altaria

We've reached Maximum Fluff.

I think Elesa should run with Mega Altaria, even though it's not an Electric type - they both have the same taste in huge, fluffy, Doflamingo-esque jackets.

Really though, there's not much difference here - a fluffy cloud hat, fluffy cloud arms, and a longer tail. It's definitely not enough to be called an evolution, which is why it's just a Mega I guess. Gaining a Fairy type is fun, but now it's not Flying any longer. The bird living in clouds isn't Flying. Shouldn't it have lost the Dragon typing, instead? It never looked like a dragon to begin with.

Yeah, not really feeling this one. It's cute, but lazy.


Overall: 4/10

Mega Evolution no. 37: Camerupt

I swear I thought this was one of those slug Pokemon at first

Yeah, I'm not really feeling that fringe, dude. Makes you look like the Scrubbing Bubbles mascot. People will be wanting you to come over and walk around their house, just to clean it up.

Anyway, Mega Camerupt at least gets the basic concept right - if your previous form was a volcano, then the next step up is obviously an erupting volcano. And in a clever twist, turns the random blue circles into rings of lava.

It also has an M on its forehead, which of course stands for Marlon Brando, well known to be Camerupt's favorite actor.

Really, I just don't like the sillhouette it casts, that fringe screws it all up. I get that they wanted it to look like a full mountain, but that's not a good look.


Overall: 5/10

Mega Evolution no. 36: Sharpedo

Sharpedo lookin' like Kurita after he came back from training for the game with Hakuryuu. Alternatively, he looks like Baki after training in the mountains.

Because goddamn did he get jacked up. Like he just lost a fight with a weed whacker. Or maybe he won the fight, because he is looking pretty badass. spikes like a saw-tooth shark on his nose? Hell yeah. Mouth so freaking intensely hungry for flesh he seems to be ripping open at the edges? Hell yeah.

But I really don't like the massive scarring. I know Sharpedo already had a scar, but this time it feels overboard. Especially because it's so regular, it reads more as just busy coloring instead of cool battle wounds.

I've always thought Sharpedo needed a final evolution to become a truly monstrous king of the sea, and Mega Sharpedo is doing a decent job of that.


Overall: 7/10

Mega Evolution no. 35: Sableye

This guy really needed one.

Sableye has kinda shitty stats. Make that really shitty, actually. And Mega Sableye helps him out, by just using Speed as the dump stat, to free up more points for defense. And with zero weaknesses due to typing, that ain't bad at all.

But the thing I'm not sure I like, is that this Mega is just... holding a big gem as a shield. That's all it is. It's not even like a special trait of Sableye, like gem armor or anything, it's just using an item now. Kinda bothers me when Pokemon have items that they use as a part of themselves, and it's actually important. Farfetch'd, I can accept that they just like to carry leeks, you can find those everywhere. Seems like every damn day I'm tripping over some rank-ass leek. Cubone - mother bones have magic juju, it checks out. But shit like this? Or Klefki? I dunno, man.


Overall: 5/10

Mega Evolution no. 34: Swampert

#swole

Someone's been working out. Swampert was a little goofy-looking before, but since Ruby/Sapphire he hit the gym in a big way. Or maybe it's illegal steroid-style pokeblocks. I mean look at him, each of his arms is the size of Hulk Hogan.

In any case, Mega Swampert is ripped as hell and ready to rumble. Same classic colors, he's just pumped up even more, like when Master Roshi first used the Kamehameha. I like it, simple but gets the job done. It doesn't attempt to reinvent the Pokemon, but looks unmistakeably "improved" at the same time.

Just don't reach too high, Mega Swampert, or they'll slap you down just like they did Lance Armstrong. Juice it and loose it, baby.


Overall: 9/10

Mega Evolution no. 33: Mega Sceptile

i swear i will get through this shit if it kills me

Hey, remember Sceptile? He's back, except even busier and more extreme! Though first let me give props where props are due - the little "bite" taken out oh his leaf things is visually interesting, like Bayleef's leaf. Also, his tail looks more threatening, even if it has a straight-up christmas tree at the end of it, complete with a red topper. Oh, and those balls on his back kinda look like ornaments, now that I think of it. Man, with all the red and green, Mega Sceptile is keeping the yuletide in his heart like nobody's business, huh?

But where was I? Oh yeah, the good pats. Foliage on the shoulders is nice. Sceptile should have more of that, and less protrusions-the-same-color-as-my-skin.

so with that out of the way, can we talking about this freaking christmas-ass son of a bitch? he's got stripes, tips, flanges, orbs, it's just so damn much. Oh, and of course his orbs color shift towards the red end of the spectrum, because of course they do.

listen - this is a goddamn mess, but as I noted above there's a few good points, and I'm willing to pretend for everyone's sakes that the christmas connections were totally on purpose. And gaining a Dragon sub-type helps a lot too - it's always bugged me he was the only starter in his gen to not get a fun sub-type before.


Overall: 4/10

Mega Evolution No. 32: Steelix

good lord steelix calm down

I feel like someone missed the point here. Steelix is cool because he's as big as Nevada, heavier than a Kierkegaard treatise, and handles Special attacks about as well as Balrog kicks. But Mega Steelix is floaty, with glowy rainbow ice crystals and blue beadazzlements and a hovering asteroid belt. What the hell is this even

his stats don't even reflect a change towards the Special. It would be one thing if it just swapped his phys/spec stats and he became a Crystal Steelix like that one Onix in the anime, that would be kind of interesting. But it's not, he's just the same ol' Steelix, except even more.

And with a dumb design


Overall: 3/10

Mega Evolution No. 31: Slowbro

okay, you're just screwing with me now

This isn't real, right? Oh God, it is.

Look, I shouldn't have to explain how ball-breakingly stupid this is, right? it's just - wow. the "shellder" on Slowbro's ass just continues to eat him, leaving only his head and arms remaining. Oh, and also the tail bit. Shouldn't that have been digested?

Honestly, Slowking is already what Mega Slowbro should have been. This crap is just unnecessary and hilarious.

Also, check the look on his face - "i have made poor life choices"


Overall: 1/10

Mega Evolution No. 30: Pidgeot

I feel like I should be Scarlet Witch saying "no more birds" instead of "no more mutants"

Okay, yeah, this really didn't need to be a thing. Someone let Pidgeot into the paint, and he gots his feathers all dyed blue on the tips. Also he's started styling his hair like he think he's Gotenks, and that's gotta stop pronto.

Look, Mega Pidgeot, I get that Pidgeot kinda sucks but like, who cares? All you can manage is to look like Braviary's scene-ass cousin. You even have the eyeshadow, and that blue? he's painting his nails. It's worse than I thought, we have a serious case of emo on our hands. Is that still a thing? or did all the emo kids get replaced by hipster kids?

eh, I don't have much to say about this guy, and if I go any further it'll just be inarticulate ranting about middle school, Hot Topic and System of a Down.


Overall: 2/10

Mega Evolution No. 29: Beedrill

I can't imagine the misery it is to be a Hornets fan.

But Mega Beedrill is here to make it all right. He's here to make everything in the world Right. "Santa Claus does exist, all dogs go to heaven, and I will end your life right now and prove it to you if you cross me", that is his message.

Mega Beedril slam dunks it home with not three, not four, but FIVE large pointy bits. It also sticks to the established color scheme (though when you're doing a bee it isn't hard), and generally just gives you Beedrill, except MORE. If this thing had been around back in Kanto, Ash would've died along with his Medapod in Viridian Forest.


Overall: 10/10

No. 719: Diancie

Feels strange to write a title like that again.

Kalos was mercifully light on Legendaries, but as we all know, we have to have the little-prancing-fairy archetype, and in this case it is literally a Fairy. So that makes sense, I guess. Hey, and it's Rock/Fairy, any connection to Carbrink, that one random dude who looked like he totally needed an evo?

No?

oh...

Well, it looks cute at least. But I'm mad flustered that they took the "crystals emerging from a raw stone" gimmick and used it twice without bothering to connect them, or even mention the other.


It has a Mega Evolution, which is just as overwrought and pointless as you'd expect. What's the goddamn point of a Mega Evolve on  legendary, can't you just GIVE it those good stats and GIVE it the full design? All it's doing is taking up a potential Mega Stone slot on your team. It's a nerf, for crying out loud. I kind of like the look of it as a crystal chandelier, but I'm just pissed about it even existing at all. I thought the whole point was that new Pokemon don't need Megas, because they're already so good?

bleh


Overall: 3/10

Mega Evolution No. 28: Abomasnow

And at last we come to the end of the officially released Mega Evolutions.

And we get to end it with a bang, Mega Abomasnow looks like every fiber of his body is in the process of getting the hell away from every other fiber of his body.

Seriously though, I love the texture of his "fur" or whatever. It not only makes an easy 3D model, but looks distinctive. Aside from that, he's just a bigger and badder version of Abomasnow. More fur, bigger arms and legs, and also twin pylons of ice or whatever sticking out of his back.

That's cool, to me. They even have a precedent, regular Abomasnow has some trees straight up growing on his back, too. I suppose I'd prefer these columns to be a bit smaller, though, he looks somewhat off-balance when standing upright.

But he's still a ferocious beast, who even gave up some speed so he could put more points into offense. which works great for the guy, because with Avalanche he wants to go second, anyway.


Overall: 9/10