Monday, June 18, 2012

Gonna Fly Now

Well, I'm leaving on a jet plane, but I'll be back just in time for the 4th of July.

There's a very slight chance I'll be able to update once or twice during my trip, but I don't know if they even have computers over there in Europe!

So yeah, NAPACE will be gone for the next 2 and a half weeks. Smell ya later, twerps.

No. 463: Lickilicky

sluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp


So, evolution for Lickitung, right? Should be pretty easy, he's not that complicated. Let's make his tongue proportionally smaller to the rest of his body! Wait, what? Gamefreak? Sit down, we need to talk.

Look - you do remember Lickitung, right? Giant tongue, pink body, that's his entire gimmick? Yeah? So, what the hell were you thinking when you made Lickilicky? You just needed to make a guy with an absolutely massive tongue, or two tongues, or something (or better yet left the poor guy alone), but no. You made a fat person, and gave them a tongue that is large, but not as large as Lickitung's.

Can you even hear what your ideas sound like in your head before you put them down on paper, Gamefreak? Or at least then look at the paper before you put them in the game? Because you might have a condition. There is no reason for such an easy evolution to be screwed up in such a way. Do you see what you did? You made his - don't look away from me, Gamefreak - you made his tongue smaller. What the goddamn shit. You stupid sightless morons.

I don't think I really need to say anything else. When you evolve a Pokemon whose entire gimmick is his huge tongue, and that gimmick gets smaller for no reason, then you know someone fundamentally did not understand what they were doing. Christ.


Overall: 1/10

Sunday, June 17, 2012

No. 462: Magnezone

Remember what I said long ago about how there could be a Cosmic Type? Here's another candidate.


However, there is no Cosmic type, and so there is no reason why Magnezone should look like a flying saucer.

See, this is why the Afterthought 18 are almost uniformly awful - it's like someone was told to create an evolution to Magenton, but never actually saw an actual one, just had it described to them. The whole point (as silly as it is) about Magneton is that it is just literally 3 Magnemites in a group. And now those three are somehow fused into one solid entity? Why??

Also, the magnets are all wrong. They're black instead of dark grey, and only the flat ends are colored, instead of the tips looking like they've been dipped into the paint. Then there's only two screws, I guess the other screws fused into that oddly colored helmet, and also somehow a yellow antenna formed. Because that's totally a thing Magnemite had going. And the giant, red eye... it's all a bunch of random shit that doesn't really look bad, but rather it doesn't look like an evolution to Magneton.

If you wanted to make such an evolution (which I don't know why you would), the best thing would be to make it a giant ball of magnetons, all magnetized together in a spinning cluster. It would be funny because it lampshades the whole "yeah Magneton really wasn't very creative was it" thing, and yet follows conventions: Magnemite's line evolves by gathering MORE copies to itself.

So yeah, while I do think the idea of a flying saucer Pokemon is neat, I don't think that should have come out of the Magnemite line.


Overall: 3/10

Friday, June 15, 2012

No. 461: Weavile

[insert Dr. Evil twiddling his pinkie finger here]


Yup, Weavile sounds like E-vile, or a weasel that is vile, take your pick. Good name, and a good evolution for Sneasel. The Attack and Speed really get up there, and so the low HP and such are acceptable.

But beyond that, it is a very sensible evo. The color scheme is kept intact, except with more of those feather things, and more claws. It even keeps the little jewel thing in the forehead, and doesn't try to introduce too many other random bits.

I still wonder why these guys are Dark/Ice, especially since they have such a low Sp. Attack, and thus can't make good use of the good Ice Moves. But whatever, Weavile looks like it means business, so I don't want to slander it much. It is a very good example of a evolution, made after the fact, that respects the original Pokemon and its concepts, and works with them to create a useful and logical next step.

If only the rest of the Afterthought 18 (as I think of them) were so well designed...


Overall: 10/10

Thursday, June 14, 2012

No. 460: Abomasnow

"...Cyclops hurling peaks at Noman, and even the Abominable Himalayan Snowman!"


Okay, now this guy is great. I love his shaggy fur that hangs in thick flakes, and his beady purple eyes amidst the white and green. I know he gets his shit pushed in with like 7 different weaknesses, but still, he's badass to me. Again, he has little trees growing out of his back, like spikes. And he's got an even more unified color scheme, dropping the muddy brown in favor of all white-and-green, all ass-kicking, all the time. Don't go messing around on his side of the mountain, he'll drop a glacier on you.

But with the actual review out of the way, it's time to talk about the elephant in the room: The Yeti. It's a semi-mythical beast that roams the mountains of Tibet, also known as the Abominable Snowman. Surprisingly similar to the thing known as Sasquatch, or Bigfoot, up in Canada. Are these creatures ancient ape-things? Are they ancestors of Neanderthals, or something else entirely? There's whole world of mystery surrounding their sightings (and lack thereof), and cryptozoologists love to extrapolate about them to no end.

Personally, I think it's a big bunch of baloney. Why would there be this one lonely creature hiding out there? Ignoring the problems everyone has had of proving its existence, it's hard enough to justify it! Unless it's some magical being that can live alone for hundreds of years, it must have other creatures like it. And if there were more, we would know about them, because while one Sasquatch is hard to track, a herd of them ought to stick out like a sore thumb.

I think most likely, someone just made it all up. Second most likely, it was just some hairy hobo wandering around howling at shit because that's what hobos do. Same for Tibet, except it was some hairy Tibetan Monk or something, who spent too long meditating in the caves and got all beardy, I don't know. It's all pretty dumb, if you ask me.

So anyway yeah, Abomasnow: a cool dude who roars with the might of an avalanche and such. Confirmed for not existing, and is all the better for it.


Overall: 10/10

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

No. 459: Snover

There are few things more majestic than the image of the Rocky Mountains rising up out of the horizon as you drive West across the Great Planes.


Now, I think I love Snover. It's a pretty clever design, that fuses Grass and Ice into one Pokemon. See how he's brown (like the dirt) at his feet, but gets more white (snow covered) as you go up? and then he's got occasional greenery on him, like the pine trees that always seem to grown on mountains. Even out of his back, and as a tail!

Also, he looks like he's wearing a hat, which is itself another tiny replica of a mountain range. Reminds me of the Three Sisters, in Oregon. And despite all of this, Snover manages to look cool and maintain an identity.

It certainly isn't a concept that the early Gens would have worked with, but now and again the 4th gen really hits it out of the park with their more abstract, non-animal concepts, and Snover is one such example. The only thing is that maybe too much of him is brown? I know the female version is more white, but I'd like it if more than 50% of a Pokemon species looked good.


Overall: 9/10

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

No. 458: Mantyke

b-b-b-babies? Again?


I guess I just really don't see why someone thought all these perfectly fine Pokemon needed prevos. A lot of them you don't even find in the wild, you have to breed specially to get them. Meaning there's not even any thrill of "wow I caught this wimpy thing but it grew up to be badassed!" because you know the little baby will grow up into exactly what you already have.

Anyway, Mantyke is kinda cute, I guess, and the happy face he has on his back is neat. And if he was always there, to evolve into Mantine, I'd probably give him an average score and pass on. But it bugs me that the designers made this guy, 2 generations late, instead of putting something new and cool, like a non-sucky Bug Pokemon, or a Fire/Water type, in the game.

So, sorry, Mantyke. You're annoying in concept, and only adequate in presentation. Now wipe that smile off your face. And also off your back. It's creeping me out, now.


Overall: 4/10

Monday, June 11, 2012

No. 457: Lumineon

...whoa, dude...


Lumineon is totally spaced out right now. Look at him, if you called him out against a Groudon or something he'd be all "Hey, whoa... it's like some kinda big spiky dinosaur... haha, is this real" and would just stare at it hazily.

But while he is still a pointless filler Pokemon, I feel a little bit kinder towards Lumineon. It at least looks unlike anything else, what with the giant angelfish-esque wings. The thing is, there are a whole lot of cool and unique looking fish in the sea. The problem is, most of them ought to be just solitary Water type, and having a ton of those is bad. So unfortunately there's a lot of neat sea-creature designs that just shouldn't be used, because they'd end up being too similar to a niche we already have filled.

Creating these niches anew is one thing, like what the 5th Generation that we will get to in good time set out to do, but for the 4th? When Goldeen and Seaking are still things, it's hard to justify Finneon and Lumineon's existences.


Overall: 2/10

Sunday, June 10, 2012

No. 456: Finneon

I could make a joke about the Irish here, but I'm too tired.


Look, I'll make this quick: Finneon is the first in a two-stage, mid-late-game pure-Water-type Pokemon. It is a fish, that apparently glows or some other useless shit, but that doesn't mean it can use any sort of glowing attack, like Signal Beam or anything Electric.

It doesn't take long to figure out that Finneon is pure filler of the blandest kind, and should probably be drowned. Or whatever the opposite of that is, because it's a fish. But screw Finneon, is what I'm trying to say.


Overall: 1/10

Thursday, June 7, 2012

No. 455: Carnivine

I'm moving to a new place, and also going to a wedding, and also finals just finished, so hopefully that explains the lack of updates recently, and why they will continue to be sparse for a bit longer.


Carnivine is obviously a venus flytrap-inspired guy, but... why does he have tentacle-roots? And some of them are red? And he can levitate? Guys, I'm seeing more "alien invader" than "plant" here, but okay. At least they didn't rip off the Piranha Plant design from Mario.

Though if they did, it would've ended up more threatening. Carnivine has this dopey, goofy grin on its face, and while I know that it can open up wide, it doesn't really look like it. The in-game sprites are better, but from this angle it looks to me like an egg-shaped head with a smile and snaggle teeth.

I guess I'm also not a fan of how thrown-together it all looks, to use even more hyphenated words. The head is there, on top of a seed pod thing, with dandelion leaves and then those tentacles. Maybe that's the look they were going for, a conglomeration of plants, but I don't like it.

I think we can all agree that Carnivine is one of the more bizarre, out of place Pokemon, though. Whenever you scroll through the Pokedex you go "oh yeah, shit, Carnivine. that was a thing, huh. weird."


Overall: 4/10

Monday, June 4, 2012

No. 454: Toxicroak

he's like the Mr. Hyde to Kermit the Frog's Dr. Jekyll.


Do toads have horns? I think they do sometimes. They don't really have claws, but Toxicroak grows a finger long, like pimps sometimes do so they can snort their cocaine better. Except then he uses it to stab and poison bitches. Which is decidedly more intense.

Like I said before, I have no problem with a busy design, and I like the color scheme (and how it stayed consistant), but I question the particular layout of the pattern. Those black lines resemble a g-string, to me. Maybe it's just me, but I'm seeing a pimp-ass frog in a g-string, and it is sending me all sort of visual mix-ups.

I do think the little white underpants are funny, though.


Overall: 7/10

Saturday, June 2, 2012

No. 453: Croagunk

At one point someone told me Amazon natives used to poison their arrows with poison dart frogs. I imagined they just stuck the frog on the end of the arrow and let it fly, but apparently they just dip the arrows in the frog's poison. oh well.


Now, here's a dude with a design one might call "messy", with bands and colors splotches galore. However, he's based on the Poison Arrow frog, which really is as gaudy as all that, so it totally makes sense! No complaints here.

The big red middle finger is kinda worrying, though. It makes me wonder where it's been. Maybe he just uses it to flip the bird something fierce, a blazing crimson bird that sends a message of "piss off" for all to see. I also like his compact body shape, it lends some credibility to him being a fighting type.

All in all, he's a cool little duder who looks like he's already laughing to himself at how bad he's going to beat your ass. Either that, or he's high as a kite.


Overall: 8/10

Friday, June 1, 2012

No. 452: Drapion

ya blew it


It should be pretty hard to screw up a scorpion, but Gamefreak managed it. his claws are ridiculously tiny, and the exact same as his tail. In fact, it looks like his tail is just another arm! That's like the OPPOSITE of what a scorpion is all about, they are 50% curled stinger tail, 50% pincer claws. Drapion messed up with both of those.

Besides that, it looks horribly unbalanced, like it should fall on its face at any second. Because for some reason it has an elongated neck/torso, balanced only by stubbly little legs. Then its mandibles turned into a mustache? Growing from the inside of the mouth? what in the actual hell happened here.

It looks too jiggity and jaggedy to be cool, and the cute accordion-fold tail, when applied to the whole damn body, is ridiculous. But to make it even worse: It drops the Bug typing when it evolves. That's the worst thing. Isn't it ostensible a scorpion, a bug? It evolves from a Bug/Poison, but it becomes Poison/Dark. It's misleading and frustrating, because X-Scissor and whatever suddenly doesn't get STAB anymore. I hate that sort of thing.

Drapion is a confused purple scrapheap of a Pokemon that makes me sick with scorn.


Overall: 1/10