No. 953: Rellor

 Rolling Start~

 

Taking the 2022 award for "Least Effort Put Into Naming A Pokemon", Rellor just looks like some random bum. He's just a dude, a regular little dude, with a unibrow and beard, muppet-style. Except he rolls around a big ball of shit mud, and does it upside-down because maybe dung beetles do that irl? I don't care enough to verify that fact.

Oh, and while "walk 1000 steps" is a fun evolution mechanic, in practice it's a pain in the ass because the counter resets if you walk with a different Pokemon, and Rellor is slow as hell so you can't really walk around normally with it anyway, and even after meeting the step requirements it doesn't automatically evolve, or in battle, you need to level it up with an item while outside the ball. ugh.


Overall: 1/10

No. 950: Klawf

 just klawful

 

I tend to like crustacean Pokemon, but this guy sucks. The eyeballs sticking out on tiny little stalks bother me, not to mention the hairy joints and rosy cheeks. But the biggest offender is simply that his claws are too damn small. I don't want no teeny-weenie clawed crabs, I want BIG MEATY CLAWS!

Besides, if the concept is "Rock Crab", they sure could have done more to make him look rocky. He doesn't even blend into the walls in the game, in the environment he was specifically designed for.


Overall: 2/10

No 947: Brambleghast

 Let's go brambling! (aw dangit)

I'm not a fan of Pokemon where the concept is "wow look, these shapes are coincidentally lined up so they just so happen to resemble a face!" Like, miss me with that Pokemon Signs bullshit. These are magical monsters, if they wanted to have a face, they could just have one.

Dhelmise is the main culprit here, but I see it in some fakemon, and now Brambleghast. It's a bit more purposeful than the others, but it's still like... that's not a mouth. That's a line in the SHAPE of a mouth. How can you bite anything with that?

The other frustrating thing is that Brambleghast looks like some sort of thorny bone pumpkin, which could be the coolest thing ever. Except it's not, it's a few floating eye-seeds and some dry branches. Why couldn't it have just been a spiky jack-o-lantern, with an actual mouth? Or a haunted skeletonic ribcage thing? I don't want a dumb weed.

Overall: 2/10

No. 945: Grafaiai

mf thinks hes banksy

it's actually cool when Pokemon completely change species when they evolve, as long as they're connected in some superficial way. Wingull evolving into Pelliper? Yeah sure, I'd believe that seagulls are just baby pelicans, whatever. Shroodle evolving into Grafaiai? Now that's a stretch, I've never once thought about shrews and aye-ayes even inhabiting the same continents before.

What's more, Grafaiai looks like Darby Allin's fursona, but with huge gross drippy middle fingers. I know that's the aye-aye's calling card, but it looks even freakier here than it does in real life. I don't want to know where he sticks that finger to get it all goopy.

If I can be remotely positive, I think there's something going on with the hindquarters that I like, something about the shape of the legs, and use of stripes. And removing the pupils from the eyes was a good move. But I just can't get over the hoodie, and those disgusting fingers. If Grafaiai flipped me the bird I'd probably throw up.


Overall: 2/10

No. 944: Shroodle

oodles of shroodles

Now what am I looking at here, exactly

Shroodle looks like the head of some larger character, but they cut off the body and just stuck a few tiny feets to the bottom of it. And even if I accept this creature whose eyes are so preposterously large they could not each be contained within the same small body, what's going on with the nose situation? I guess those are buckteeth, dipped in purple venom, but they look like boogers hanging on the end of the nose.

And it's Poison/Normal at the end of all that hideousness? Get away from me with your tiny tuft of hair.


Overall: 2/10

No. 932: Nacli

 shoutouts to Saltybets

The problem with Nacli is that it's not a Pokemon, it's clearly a powerup from Super Mario Galaxy 3. Turns you into Salt Mario, and you use it to kill slugs or something idk

I'm fine with Pokemon that don't emote, much less have any moving parts, like Minior or Lunatone. But I think those work because they're levitating. Nacli just kinda rocks back and forth on the ground. I can't barely even believe it's alive.

Overall: 2/10

No. 928: Smoliv

smol uwu bean

With all due respect, fuck Smoliv. Go back to your garden and bring me some breadsticks. When I'm driving my 500-pound legendary motorcycle from another timeline around Paldea at 100 mph, hauling ass with my hair in the wind, the last thing I want is to slam to a complete halt because some tiny little baby wants to battle. I should be able to crush Smoliv under my wheels. I should be legally allowed to crush Smoliv under my wheels.

Design-wise, yes, it's a little olive with a face. Not much more to say. What, are you gonna cry? Go ahead, then. Cry.

Overall: 1/10

No. 923: Pawmot

Pawmot Patrol

Speaking of throwback elements to older gens, Pawmot carries the tradition of being an ambiguous creature instead of a twist on a specific real-life animal. It's kind of a teddy bear, but listed as the "Mouse Pokemon", and also resembles a hamster? With Popeye arms and Iron Man repulsors blasts? I'm not sure why it's part Fighting-type, but... hey. hold the phone.

This is an evolution of Pawmo? Are we sure it evolved? Or did it just step closer to the camera? Wait, it changed its fur color back to Pawmi's. Why is Pawmo desaturated, then? And what's the difference between Pawmo and Pawmot, larger hair tufts???

Probably the worst case of "it just gets bigger" evolutions, except it still doesn't even look fully-evolved. Maybe just skip from Pawmi straight to this thing, then. But I'm not gonna give it a good review cuz I already spent that goodwill on Pawmo.

I think they maybe planned a proper evolution, but accidentally copied the model for Pawmo over the space where Pawmot was supposed to go, and couldn't figure out how to restore the intended version so they just made Pawmot bigger and called it a day.

Overall: 2/10

No. 914: Quaquaval

¡viva fiesta!

I get that this is a reference to the Carnival dancers, and that Quaquaval has turned from a duck into a peacock. But Carnival is usually associated with Brazil, not Spain. And if he's a peacock, he's a freaking ugly one.

You can't see it in this artwork, but Quaquaval summons a halo of water-feathers to act as a tail when in battle. It kinda looks like crap, though. And those Ikki the Phoenix feathers trailing from his hips don't help. Not to mention the bell-bottoms and freaky mutant toes.

Also the overall posture is just really off-putting to me, like why's he cranking that dumpy so far back? Calm down.

Overall: 2/10

No. 913: Quaxwell

must work out at the library

When the starters were first revealed, I saw Quaxly and thought, "Oh, it's a Don Quixote reference, he'll probably evolve into Ducky-xote and be a proud knight or something". Cuz of the name, and the fact that Paldea is Spain, right? Wrong.

Instead, Quaxwell is a big-noggin unibrow doofus wearing a crop top and crocs. I've heard of the ugly duckling, but this is taking it too far. Especially since that story ends with a beautiful swan, and Quaxwell is destined for... well, that's for another day.

Overall: 1/10

No. 905: Enamorus

Oh baby. What is going on here.

I've never been a fan of the genies, and while at least Enamorus isn't another palette swap, that doesn't make her any good. There's too much sassy-ass tomfoolery going on in this design, and I refuse to spend another word on it.

Incarnate Form: 1/10

Like all the others, Enamorus also has a Beast Mode, which completes the "Four Cardinal Beasts" quartet that nobody even noticed was going on. It's a Chinese mythology thing, with a Tiger, Phoenix, Dragon, and now - Turtle. Since the others got their Therian Forms all the way back in BW2, a full decade ago, I have to wonder... was Enamorus planned from that long ago, and just never implemented until now? Or was it a coincidence that the others took on the forms of a Tiger, Phoenix, and Dragon, and then somebody said "wait a minute... we can work with this!"

Either way, the end result is a garish pink turtle that not even Barbie would be caught dead with. Yet somehow, still better than the base form.

Therian Form: 2/10

I'm going to be mean and round down the average, because I think this Pokemon is fucking awful.

Overall: 1/10

No. 904: Overqwil

no I know where it was now, this is a Donkey Kong Country boss

Overqwil has a cool name, and that's the most positive thing I can say about it. I can't stop thinking about certain toys I would get as a kid, which never stood up because they were sculpted in an action pose, or designed with a weird bottom like this. Always pissed me off, when something only functions as a keychain. I want to stand it up with my other toys!

and in a similar vein, Overqwil pisses me off because of how ridiculous it looks out of the water. The idea of a big floating mine could work, but holy shit why did you have to make the top and bottom spikes so large?

Overall: 1/10

Hisuian Avalugg

God of War type boss fight 

Hey, it's Avalugg! Everybody loves Avalugg, right? Well, would you love Avalugg even more if we made his legs dirty and stuck a snowplow to his face?

...no? you'd still respond with the same indifference you've always shown to Avalugg?

......oh well, I suppose it can't be helped! Hope you enjoy being 4x weak to Fighting and Steel!

Overall: 1/10

No. 901: Ursaluna

IT'S OVER 900!!!!!!!!! 

Whereas Wyrdeer opens the game up in a big way, Ursaluna just feels redundant. it's an Item Finder on legs, offering no additional mobility. So it won't win any goodwill that way.

And as for the design... I mean, it's a bear with poop on its face. What do you really expect me to say, here? Dude has a turd draped across his nose, I can't see it as anything else. I know I'm supposed to see it as "clouds in front of the moon", but even if that were the case, how freaking coincidental that every single Ursaluna gets the same bits of mud stuck on its forehead at exactly that location. Or if they're eyebrows, then it's doing an eternal Dreamworks smirk.

No, there's not really any good options here. Sorry, dookie-bear. Please don't get near me, I just washed the stink off.

Overall: 1/10

Hisuian Electrode

The Orb

nah but this one just looks like dogshit. I was stunlocked by Hisuian Voltorb, but Hisuian Electrode makes me think maybe the whole concept is dumb as hell. Why does it still have a cartoony mouth, but its eyes look like they were carved into the wood?

And if your concept is "ye olde Electrode" then surely the way to go is make them look like those round ninja explosives? It's hype to get the first Grass/Electric type, but I still think that should go for a solar-energy Pokemon, not these woodblock bitches.

overall: 2/10

Molayne of the Alola Elite Four

 may as well get string bean out of the way, too

While a retired Trial Captain in SM, Molayne takes a spot on the Elite Four in USUM. But he's still dressing like it's a day off, you gotta have more flash than that! You specialize in Steel types, at least dress like Otacon or something and go with the technician style.

Instead, he looks like Steven Merchant by way of Professor Layton.

Overall: 1/10

Gigantamax no. 31: Urshifu

Finishing up the Gigantamaxes, right before the new game's launch~

 

And we're ending with a whimper. I liked Urshifu well enough, but the Gigantamax form is just... the same. Looks like a Shiny, if anything. They're bigger but not any better.

These colors could have been the original colors, and I think it would've been neat! But they have the exact same proportions and everything, it's a weird way to go out. You have an original Pokemon, designed for this generation and its gimmicks, and you couldn't even do anything to be clever about its Gigantamax form? For shame.

Again, the design is still good, because it's just unchanged. But I'm going to give this one a harsh score because of how lazy this feels.

Overall: 200/1000

Gigantamax no. 25: Duraludon

closing the year out with the last Gigantamax form in the base game

Vanilla Duraludon already looked kinda dopey, and Gigantamax Duraludon looks even worse. Bitch turned into a skyscraper, because that's a tall metal thing, right? Imagine having to commute and go to work in an office on the 35th floor of a goddamn Pokemon. I'd be sick. I would quit my job.

It's a damn shame they went this route, because so far none of the Gigantamaxes have leaned into the "giant mecha" niche, and this would have been a prime opportunity. But instead of Mechagodzilla we got the Burj Khalifa. Is that even the tallest building in the world anymore? Depends on when you read this blog, I suppose.

Overall: 200/1000

Gigantamax no. 24: Copperajah

uh

what happened here? Cufant was cute, Copperajah was a bit blocky but fine, and now Gigantamax Copperajah is this Super Paper Mario looking dipshit. Useless arms, immobile legs, body like a building block. Meanwhile, its trunk looks like one of those giant excavation machines, which would be cool but it's attached to this Thwomp of a pachyderm.

This shouldn't have been a hard one to get right! Elephants are known for being big, that's kind of their entire deal. Just build off everything that makes an elephant iconic and go from there, but instead it's an awkward bipedal suitcase with a waterslide stuck to the front. Why didn't they at least extend the back out further and get its other legs on the ground? Why did it have to be so TALL instead of also allowed to be LONG?

Unbalanced, unaesthetic, undesirable, unbelievably stupid.

Overall: 100/1000

Gigantamax no. 15: Drednaw

Four chomping turtles

yeah this one sucks. Surprisingly, not many Gigantamax forms are outright embarrassments, but Gigantamax Dreadnaw is embarrassment enough for all of them. its pathetic legs can't even touch the ground, and its face has withdrawn so far into that foreskin of a neck it can't bite anything anymore. Usually I like to see jaggedy elements like its rocky shell, but I hate Drednaw so instead all I feel is scorn.

I can't believe they thought this was really good enough to make the signature Pokemon for one of the Gym Leaders. Nessa deserves much better.

Overall: 100/1000