No. 973: Flamigo

 How many shrimps do you have to eat before you make your skin turn pink?

Yeah, Flamigo sucks. I think we all knew this was coming. Some say it's supposed to look like a boxing glove, but I think it looks like a flamingo. Not like it "punches" with its body, anyway. Doesn't even learn any punching moves. It just does flamingo shit.

Maybe if it had proper bird feet instead of flat little paws, there could be some salvaging this? But as it stands, if I saw Flamigo in somebody's yard next to their little gnomes, I'm running them both over with a lawnmover.

 

Overal1: 1/10 

No. 962: Bombirdier

 Watch For Rolling Rocks

I hate Bombirdier. If it didn't have that bib, and was just a crane, I could actually dig it somewhat. Still a generic flying feathery asshole, but it would be fine.

Unfortunately, it has this dumbass bib, and it can't not have it, because that's its whole gimmick. It holds rocks in the bib like the stork delivering babies, and drops them on people. And honestly, a bird that specializes in rock-throwing could be cool! Maybe related to Sinbad's Roc, y'know? But instead, it's this crap.

If it was even a beard, that might kinda work! But it isn't. It's a goddamn bib that drags on the ground and the stupid freak trips over it all the time. And it has a random crease in it, even though it never makes sharp folds. I know it flies all the time in-game anyway, but I hate the execution of this concept so much.

 

Overall: 2/10 

No. 941: Kilowattrel

or in America, Poundwattrel

 

 Kilowattrel looks like one of those classic Pokemon designs - take a recognizable animal (bird), tweak it a bit (big throat sac), and then add something cool (electric powers). But it turns out, the frigatebird is an actual bird that already looks exactly like this, except red. It even has the throat sac. So all they did was copy an existing animal and make it yellow.

So I guess I'll have to credit Mother Nature for the design, but it looks pretty cool anyway! aside from the eyes, those are Gamefreak originals and still pierce into my soul and weird me out. But the black-and-yellow color scheme looks sharp.

Kilowattrel is the odd Sp. Atk focused Flying-type, and combined with skyhigh Speed, it felt very strong to me and was almost on my final team.

Overall: 8/10

No. 940: Wattrel

Watt's the deal with airplane food?

While Squawkabilly shat up the joint with its boring typing, Wattrel brings it home as an Electric/Flying type. I'm a fan of taking regular birds and just making them somewhat elemental, like Talonflame.

Wattrel's eyes and slight smile makes him look like he's about to star in a mediocre 3D animated film by Illumination, but overall the design is nice. Sensible colors immediately set him apart from other regional birds, especially other region's waterfowl. I've got nothing bad to say here, just that it's a solid bird.

Overall: 6/10

No. 931: Squawkabilly

 these guys only give you 1 gold coin when you spray them

It's been a while since I've gotten to complain about another useless Normal/Flying type. Corviknight was Flying/Steel, Toucannon was actually cool, and Talonflame was Fire/Flying. After years of generic flying feathery assholes, Gamefreak finally figured out the secret to making good birds was to make them NOT just a basic bitch Normal/Flying bird.

So it fills me with a mixture of nostalgia and ire to report that Squawkabilly sucks. I like a pompadour, but its become depreciated in recent years. And I don't care about the multi-color gimmick, because Squawkabilly isn't even good enough to want to collect 1, much less the whole set.

The design isn't offensive, and in fact I appreciate how it hones closer to classic design sensibilities with the complex feather arrangements and detailed feet, but it's still just so boring.

Overall: 4/10

No. 905: Enamorus

Oh baby. What is going on here.

I've never been a fan of the genies, and while at least Enamorus isn't another palette swap, that doesn't make her any good. There's too much sassy-ass tomfoolery going on in this design, and I refuse to spend another word on it.

Incarnate Form: 1/10

Like all the others, Enamorus also has a Beast Mode, which completes the "Four Cardinal Beasts" quartet that nobody even noticed was going on. It's a Chinese mythology thing, with a Tiger, Phoenix, Dragon, and now - Turtle. Since the others got their Therian Forms all the way back in BW2, a full decade ago, I have to wonder... was Enamorus planned from that long ago, and just never implemented until now? Or was it a coincidence that the others took on the forms of a Tiger, Phoenix, and Dragon, and then somebody said "wait a minute... we can work with this!"

Either way, the end result is a garish pink turtle that not even Barbie would be caught dead with. Yet somehow, still better than the base form.

Therian Form: 2/10

I'm going to be mean and round down the average, because I think this Pokemon is fucking awful.

Overall: 1/10

Hisuian Braviary

Feathery Flying God

Only unlocked once you're almost done with the game, Hisuian Braviary's flight somehow manages to not-quite-trivialize every other mode of Poke-transportation. Which is an achievement of game design, I think! You still need Sneasler to gain significant height. It's still more convenient to use Wyrdeer and Basculegion for short distances. But at the same time, Hisuian Braviary is so useful for scanning the terrain from afar, moving long distances, and getting the hell out of dodge when things get dicey. The way all the mounts flow from one to another as you trigger them feels nice, and it's put to the test wonderfully in that last obstacle course challenge. (we don't talk about Ursaluna here)

As for the Pokemon itself... well, it doesn't disappoint. Unova's Braviary was already a legend, and Hisuian Braviary manages to kick it up a notch. Giant psychic birds with flaming psycho-kinetic crest? Sign me up. This is one of the best Pokemon in the whole region, and even if the old HM system where I needed one to use Fly, I'd make it a mainstay on my team. Which is not something I often say about bird Pokemon!

Overall: 10/10

Gigantamax no. 13: Corviknight

Six crows a-cawing

I feel bad for crows, their scientific name of Corvidae kinda got dragged through the mud by a certain lethal pandemic. I'm glad I did my review of the original Corviknight before that went down, so I don't have any cringey jokes to look back on. Instead, I'm making this cringey joke now. anyway

I can't tell what happened to justify this as Gigantamax? It's bigger and has pink highlights? it has Bits/Funnels like a Gundam, which is kinda cool, but that doesn't seem like it's worth becoming giant for. Just do a homing projectile attack.

Overall: 400/1000

Gigantamax no. 2: Butterfree

the poor man's Mothra

can we talk about how when your Pokemon gets gigantic that's called "Dynamax", but when it gets gigantic AND dynamically changes into a new form that's called "Gigantamax? Like, what the hell? It's as bad as Kingdom Hearts, where when a person splits, their body (without its heart) is called a "Nobody", but their heart (without its body) is called a "Heartless".

anyway, this is literally just Butterfree but with bigger wings. I guess the green shimmer is nice? and ironically the proportions are closer to real-life butterflies. By the way, now that I pointed it out, I can't stop noticing the cloud halo in every one of these things and I think I honestly despise it. Feels like someone drew them as part of the concept art once, people thought they were a solid physical aspect of each design.

Like, are the clouds what make them big? How come they grow giant and THEN the clouds form overhead, then? I hate it.

Overall: 400/1000

Gigantamax no. 1: Charizard

You didn't think I'd leave you again, did you? Just a week break, and we're back at it.

First off, let's talk about the entire concept of Gigantamax and Dynamax as a whole. In a word, it sucks. In more words, it's yet another attempt to breathe life into a fossilized battle system by introducing huge once-per-battle power-ups, replacing Mega Evolutions and Z-Moves. But each of these make a crucial error - the battle system is, actually, fine. It doesn't need to be spiced up with big ugly dipshits that slow down the pace with lengthy cinematic attacks, because the main game is ALREADY easy enough.

And from a competitive perspective, although I can't really speak for that crowd, as I understand there's plenty of depth to the meta. And each game builds on this by introducing new Pokemon with type combinations, moves, and abilities. It's like Yugioh trying to sustain itself by making up new Extra Deck summoning mechanics - except Pokemon, mercifully, doesn't stack Gigantamax on top of the previous systems. On the other hand, since it replaces them, that kinda reveals how extraneous they were, doesn't it?

As for the designs themselves, it's tough to compare them on the same scale as normal Pokemon. A huge component to all these designs is just "him big" and as a result the artwork is set at this upwards perspective, making Charizard's head appear comically tiny here.

with all that said, If you're going to turn Pokemon into kaiju, Charizard is a logical choice. I like the flaming wings. The design is fine, but once you see it in-game, it gets a whole lot worse. The model makes the baffling decision to have a plume of fire constantly sticking out of Charizard's mouth - which doesn't billow like flame, but waves in the wind like a tongue.

And can we talk about that little circle of clouds? With most of the Pokemon, it appears like a halo around their highest point (usually the head). Obviously this is intended to imitate a gathering storm, just some epic clouds. The problem is that the clouds aren't actual particle effects, they're a static object that's parented to the Pokemon's limb - meaning it shakes around when that body part moves, defying physics and ruining the entire effect. With Charizard, it's on his tail, and constantly moving.

Overall: 300/1000 (gotta use a bigger scale)

Galarian Moltres

like a phoenix from the ashes

OH YEAH THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! Moltres was the weakest of the Kanto trio, but Galarian Moltres is the best of the new generation. And that's saying something, as the other two are quite good as well!

But you just can't beat the godlike color scheme of Brett "The Hitman" Hart, especially not when it's all on fire like that. Honestly this thing barely resembles Moltres anymore, with the hooked beak, but that's fine because Moltres was a big dumb chicken and Galarian Moltres is some avenging spirit of flaming majesty.

Overall: 10/10

Galarian Zapdos

remember when the Australians lost a war to some emus?

Zapdos was my favorite of the original trio, but the same isn't true for Galarian Zapdos. That's not to say he's bad, simply that the others got even better in Galar. Putting this one on the ground is a bold choice, and required playing with the proportions more than the rest - strong legs, big tail to balance out for the small wings. Which works, for the most part. Being the first Flying/Fighting is a nice distinction, too.

And while I think I still like original Zapdos better, Galarian Zapdos still kicks ass. I regret giving the o.g. a mere 8 back then, because that's where I'd place the revamp, and I'd like to show some difference. Alas, I'm not so cowardly as to go back and edit my old review scores for internal consistency.

Overall: 8/10

Galarian Articuno

mag freaking neato

Speaking of villains, Galarian Articuno looks like another boss. Never seen a bird cross its arms and hover menacingly before, but he's pulling it off. And he shoots laser beams from his eyes! I think Galarian takes on the Legendary Birds was a great idea, and I hope the next game does the same for the Legendary Dogs.

I wasn't too keen on the original Articuno, so this new form being so sick is a welcome improvement.

Overall: 9/10

No. 845: Cramorant

Poor thing was only created so it could deep-throat a Pikachu, and it knows it.

wait that sounds wrong - Cramorant has a gimmick where when it uses Dive, it emerges with a fish in its mouth, which it then spits at the opponent. That's kinda neat! But rarely, it'll emerge with a Pikachu in its mouth, which it also spits and causes paralysis. I question why Pikachu were diving deep enough to get scooped by mistake, but once you go there you have to question how it can use Dive at all in the middle of the desert, or why fish Pokemon can just hover in mid-air, and it's better to leave it alone.

Still, it's a Pokemon that was created around that gimmick, and that's all it has going for it. This seems to happen a lot with birds - Delibird, Chatot, Oricorio, etc. I'd feel bad for them, but I'm clinically incapable of feeling empathy towards birds.

Overall: 3/10

No. 823: Corviknight

You, you! Me me Pickle Pee! Me, me Pump-a-rum!
I don't know what brave soul decided that the regional birds should just NOT suck and instead be awesome, but I want to shake their hand. Ever since Gen 6 it's been a home-run each time. Corviknight is sick as hell.

I love how he's almost entirely one color. It's the sort of design choice they would make due to sprite limitations in the past, but now it's done purposefully. And it works! Corviknight looks menacing with those obsidian wings and black armored face. With the piercing red eyes (which don't extend past his eyesockets, thank god) daring anyone to step to him.

It's funny that such a badass bird is used as a common taxi, but whatever. That doesn't diminish Corviknight's threatening aura.


Overall: 10/10

No. 822: Corvisquire

We're all lucky that this Pokemon came out before the pandemic hit, or else the online would be flooded with shitty COVID-pun names

I wish they'd worked in another chess pun to fit the Rook and Knight names. And, yes, still the eyeball issue. But somehow, this one works better? I read it like he has eyeglasses, which is cute.

And besides that, Corviquire is one handsome bird! What a gallant profile, fluffy chest (take notes Greedent) and powerful talons. I think this is the most I've liked a middle-stage bird since Pidgeotto? He just looks cool!


Overall: 8/10

No. 821: Rookidee

Venom Bird

I'll come right out and say it - I don't like that its pupils extend past its eyeball. I know that the "pupil" is actually the entire eye and the "eyeball" is just coloration, intended to trick predators into thinking it has larger and scarier eyes. I'm aware that I'm being tricked like a dumbass cat into thinking this bird has bigger eyes than it does. I understand all this.

I still don't like it.

Everything else is fine, though. As far as generic birds go, this is one of the better ones. Especially because it's not even Normal/Flying - that's right, they finally made the regional bird PURE FLYING!!! It's a little thing, but I appreciate it.


Overall: 7/10

Kahili of the Alola Elite Four

more like Elite Fore amirite


This time, the Elite Four wasn't even set up until the end of the game. As such, the Professor called for the best in the land, and assembled a dream team. The Kahunas are there, except Nanu was invited, but was too based to show up. And Ponii Island doesn't really have a Kahuna. So also this heretofore unmentioned golfer chick is there to make up the numbers.

I can't decide if I like this whole format or not. On one hand, it's neat to know the reputations of the E4 members before you fight them, but maybe rematches are boring? Give me new characters! Or at least make them NPCs I know, but haven't fought.

As for Kahili hereself, she's alright! Wish we'd seen the actual golf course in-game, but she looks like a total pro, and connecting Flying types to Golf via the Eagle/Birdie terminology is genius. What's up with the Push-pop colored club, though? (don't yell at me, I know it's Toucannon flavored)

It's odd that she's the only fresh face, but I like her design well enough. Could use a little... something extra to really sell that she's a step above your average Ace Trainer or Gym Leader, but that's a hard ask when the rest of the E4 is literally composed of Gym Leader equivalents who didn't dress up for the occasion at all, lazy bums.


Overall: 7/10

No. 797: Celesteela

Flight of the Bamboo Cutter ~ Lunatic Princess

First off, bitch be tall af. Second off, bitch be actually THREE bitchin' rockets. Third off, I don't know. Third base.

Celesteel is based on a Japanese folk-tale about some princess who's found in a shoot of bamboo, then flies to the moon. Honestly, she looks a helluva lot like a Persona. Which is fine, because that's what the Ultra Beasts should be, MegaTen-style entities from beyond the ken of mortal man.

And despite being a lunar bamboo rocketship princess, it somehow ends up looking rather elegant? I don't even mind the needle-thin neck, because the hair acts to smooth out the silhouette and provide weight.

Ultra Grade: A

No. 774: Minior

So many - So mini!


I didn't expect to love this little guy, but damn if Minior didn't turn out to be one of my favorites in Alola. Its ability is really fun to use, and makes you play the game differently than other Pokemon - do you use Shell Smash to drop your defenses and intentionally take that hit, then rock out with super-buff Speed and Attack stats? Or do you throw out whatever move you want, then gtfo with U-turn, knowing you've got a glass cannon Minior in your pocket? Or maybe just Explosion when health gets low and you don't give a shit. A lot of options!

Speaking of options, Minior comes in all sorts of colors. I think it should be a cereal. Mini-O's you can call it. Chocolate crust around a berry-flavored center. The flavors, by the way, are rightfully ranked as follows:

Blue Raspberry > Strawberry > Cotton Candy > Watermelon > Lemon > Orange > Grape > Black Licorice

With the shell on, it has a cool tribal mask sort of flair. With the mask off, it's one of those cute things from Super Mario Galaxy. Either way, it's a winner.


Overall: 10/10