Gigantamax no. 1: Charizard

You didn't think I'd leave you again, did you? Just a week break, and we're back at it.

First off, let's talk about the entire concept of Gigantamax and Dynamax as a whole. In a word, it sucks. In more words, it's yet another attempt to breathe life into a fossilized battle system by introducing huge once-per-battle power-ups, replacing Mega Evolutions and Z-Moves. But each of these make a crucial error - the battle system is, actually, fine. It doesn't need to be spiced up with big ugly dipshits that slow down the pace with lengthy cinematic attacks, because the main game is ALREADY easy enough.

And from a competitive perspective, although I can't really speak for that crowd, as I understand there's plenty of depth to the meta. And each game builds on this by introducing new Pokemon with type combinations, moves, and abilities. It's like Yugioh trying to sustain itself by making up new Extra Deck summoning mechanics - except Pokemon, mercifully, doesn't stack Gigantamax on top of the previous systems. On the other hand, since it replaces them, that kinda reveals how extraneous they were, doesn't it?

As for the designs themselves, it's tough to compare them on the same scale as normal Pokemon. A huge component to all these designs is just "him big" and as a result the artwork is set at this upwards perspective, making Charizard's head appear comically tiny here.

with all that said, If you're going to turn Pokemon into kaiju, Charizard is a logical choice. I like the flaming wings. The design is fine, but once you see it in-game, it gets a whole lot worse. The model makes the baffling decision to have a plume of fire constantly sticking out of Charizard's mouth - which doesn't billow like flame, but waves in the wind like a tongue.

And can we talk about that little circle of clouds? With most of the Pokemon, it appears like a halo around their highest point (usually the head). Obviously this is intended to imitate a gathering storm, just some epic clouds. The problem is that the clouds aren't actual particle effects, they're a static object that's parented to the Pokemon's limb - meaning it shakes around when that body part moves, defying physics and ruining the entire effect. With Charizard, it's on his tail, and constantly moving.

Overall: 300/1000 (gotta use a bigger scale)

Galarian Moltres

like a phoenix from the ashes

OH YEAH THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! Moltres was the weakest of the Kanto trio, but Galarian Moltres is the best of the new generation. And that's saying something, as the other two are quite good as well!

But you just can't beat the godlike color scheme of Brett "The Hitman" Hart, especially not when it's all on fire like that. Honestly this thing barely resembles Moltres anymore, with the hooked beak, but that's fine because Moltres was a big dumb chicken and Galarian Moltres is some avenging spirit of flaming majesty.

Overall: 10/10

Galarian Zapdos

remember when the Australians lost a war to some emus?

Zapdos was my favorite of the original trio, but the same isn't true for Galarian Zapdos. That's not to say he's bad, simply that the others got even better in Galar. Putting this one on the ground is a bold choice, and required playing with the proportions more than the rest - strong legs, big tail to balance out for the small wings. Which works, for the most part. Being the first Flying/Fighting is a nice distinction, too.

And while I think I still like original Zapdos better, Galarian Zapdos still kicks ass. I regret giving the o.g. a mere 8 back then, because that's where I'd place the revamp, and I'd like to show some difference. Alas, I'm not so cowardly as to go back and edit my old review scores for internal consistency.

Overall: 8/10

Galarian Articuno

mag freaking neato

Speaking of villains, Galarian Articuno looks like another boss. Never seen a bird cross its arms and hover menacingly before, but he's pulling it off. And he shoots laser beams from his eyes! I think Galarian takes on the Legendary Birds was a great idea, and I hope the next game does the same for the Legendary Dogs.

I wasn't too keen on the original Articuno, so this new form being so sick is a welcome improvement.

Overall: 9/10

Galarian Slowking

oh he EVIL evil

goddamn I love this. the Shellder has assumed control of Slowking, and turned him into a 70s anime villain. You can just imagine this guy commanding his legions of mooks to attack the heroes as he plots to steal the moon or blow up North America.

I even like how he's not fully purple, to show that this is a poison infecting the body, which is left as a puppet. If you remove the cursed helmet, maybe Slowpoke can be saved. But likely, even after learning his tragic backstory, he'll have to die when his flying gunship explodes.

See, this is just the right amount of goofiness for me. He's a badass evil mastermind, even though he's still sort of a dumpy pink hippo-thing.

Overall: 10/10

Galarian Slowbro

Metroid Dread was mad good btw

I like how Slowbro is looking at the Shellder on his arm like "this can't be good"

except it IS good! Arm cannons rock. And since we already have a split evolution if Slowpoke gets bit on its tail or head, makes sense that biting other parts leads to other evolutions. Curiously, though it only got bit on one hand, the poison appears to be spreading to its other hand as well, not to mention its head and tail. But those were already discolored before, so whatever.

Pokedex tells me it's causing a "chemical reaction" with the "natural spices" inside Galarian Slowbro's body, and that sounds like as good an explanation as anything that happens in these games.

Overall: 8/10

Galarian Slowpoke

boneless slowpoke

hey, what if I dipped your Slowpoke in some honey mustard sauce? would he lose his Water typing somehow? maybe his tail would taste better?

idk what you want from me, this shit is lazy as hell

Overall: 2/10

Galarian Weezing

and an epic bacon mustache waffle to you too, good sir! *tips hat*

Gamefreak has this idea that when you make something really tall, it gets really funny. Except I'm not laughing. It was dumb as hell for Alolan Executor, and Galarian Weezing is dumb as hell, too.

I don't appreciate this Doug Dimmadome (owner of the Dimsdale Dimmadome) looking bastard and his smoggy mustache, which you must realize is just putrid gas hanging around his face. Think about that. Euugh.

I think the literal stovepipe hats don't have to be a silly concept, and you could probably design a whole Pokemon line around that. Some sort of Poison/Steel factory robot mech? instead, we have British Cosplay Weezing, who is part Fairy because who knows anymore

Overall: 1/10

Galarian Rapidash

the last unicorn

Rapidash was already a unicorn, but its Galarian form is REALLY a unicorn. And it's finally part Fairy, which seems like it should have been there from the start and only picked up a Psychic sub-type upon evolution, but.

I usually like those trailing things on hooves, but in this case they look like they get in the way of the already drag-on-the-floor-long mane and tail. And I liked the cotton candy better, anyway. But I admit I am not the target demographic: manchildren in their 30s little girls. That's the intended market for My Little Pony, right? It's so easy to forget...

Overall: 6/10

Galarian Ponyta

Friendship is magic

Look, it's Ponyta, but with even cuter proportions, and fluffy cotton-candy hair. This one was a slam-dunk, hard to screw it up. Put a horn on it, now your pretty pony is a magical unicorn, easy.

Wait, why's it Psychic? not Fairy?

huh???

Overall: 8/10