Friday, June 17, 2016

Primal Groudon and Primal Kyogre

People have been asking for me to officially review these, so I guess I may as well.

Primal Groudon is like regular Groudon, except with some shiny shit.

Overall: 4/10

Primal Kyogre is like regular Kyogre, except with some shiny shit.

Overall: 3/10

I mean, what were you expecting, really?

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Gen 7 Starters announced

Hot diggery damn, they finally let loose the seal! Sun and Moon starters announced, and while as before I'd like to wait until the game actually releases before I form official opinions on them, lemme give you my first thoughts.

Rowlet looks stuffed and lifeless.

Litten looks like something out of Yokai Watch.

Popplio looks like a mistake.

Well, uh... hopefully they all get better evolutions~!

Friday, April 1, 2016

Yo-kai no. 65: Cheeksqueek

Gives a true meaning to the phrase "butt-chin".

So this is proper disgusting, first off. Dude has a butt for a face, that's just not remotely anything I wanted to think about today, but here I am. This is the life that I chose.

I hate how his nostrils look like those dimples people sometimes have above their buttcrack, and I hate how he has a clump of brown hair that looks like poo. I mean, I get that you gotta do faithful representations of various yo-kai, but there's gotta be a thousand of those things. So maybe, just... don't do the one with the ass-face?

Oh, and this literal shitstain's shirt says "fart" on it, as if you really couldn't tell his gimmick. GEE TELL ME MORE HOW ABOUT DRAWING HIM FARTING ALL THE TIME SO WE- oh you did that too, just had to add that cloud of toot coming right out of his anus/mouth. Wonderful.

Overall: 1/10

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Pokemon 20th Anniversary

Though it's only been 18 here in America, Pokemon turned 20 this year. I'm getting all sorts of nostalgia-shocks, remembering how much this franchise used to rule my life.

Watching the show for the first time at my best friend's house, recording every episode on VHS tapes so that I could watch them again, trying to time it to avoid recording the ads as well, getting a pack of cards after being a good boy at the dentist's, opening a pack and finding a holographic Blastoise and being the envy of the playground for a week, how nobody else but me seemed to know how to actually play the game, the crinkle of the wrapping and smell of new cards, even collecting the cardboard ones from the backs of Lunchables and almost paying 50 cents for a Haunter that I wanted, listening to the 2 B.A. Master album and singing along in the car, arguing with kids who liked Digimon better, going to see the 2000 movie in theaters and getting an Ancient Mew card, those little glass dollops that used to come in the box sets for damage counters, playing Stadium and making a team of Mewtwo, Charizard, Mewtwo, Machamp, Zapdos, and Diglett, having a Pokemon-themed birthday party with all sorts of arts-n-crafts, bonking Pokemon on the head with apples in Pokemon Snap, how the Pokemon sprites in Super Smash Bros always faced the camera no matter how you turned it, screaming at the mic in a vain attempt to get Hey You! Pikachu to work, naming my cat after a Pokemon, and of course - playing those wonderful, ugly, magical, broken, mesmerizing games.

They also announced a new pair of games - Sun and Moon. These will launch later this year, so I guess that means NAPACE will finally have new fodder! I can't guarantee I'll have much to post about until they start leaking the new 'mons, and even when they do I think I want to wait until I get my hands on them in-game to review them. But that's something to look forward to, right?

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

New Zygarde forms

I wasn't sure if I should do these yet or not, since they aren't even technically in any game. But I've been biting my tongue for too long, and it's starting to go numb.
Basically, this is some stupid shit. This is the dumb stuff right here, ladies and gentlemen. This is the sort of material you get when you're done scraping the bottom of the barrel, and you actually break through the bottom and start digging into the ground below.

First, it needs to be re-established that base form Zygarde looks like this:
Oh sorry, I meant 50% Zygarde, because this slimy turd thinks he's Toguro or something. Well, you may be 50%, but you'll always be 100% terrible to me, Zygarde. Anyway, I don't understand why we're humoring your dumb ass and giving you all these fucking forms and stuff - Did anybody want this? Any single human being on the face of the planet?

The other thing you will immediately notice is that 50% Zygarde bears little to no resemblance to 10% or 100% Zygarde. He goes from a dog, to a slug, to a gundam. Sure, he tried to maintain this hexagonal Razer-sponsored pattern, but there's no link besides that.

I won't even do them the decency of rating them separately, because they're all equally terrible. The dog is awful because it just looks like a re-coloring of someone else's OC, and the gundam ruins any attempt at a color scheme with red and blue panels, plus just generally looking like a particularly noxious Digimon. It's fucking awful and I want it to go away.

Finally, and those "core" and "cell" designs? I'm not sure what purpose they serve, other than to complete the Digimon link, and have redundant baby and even-more-baby forms of things. They look as if they were drawn on a napkin by someone's little brother, and then imported into MS paint and colored with the paint bucket. The kid who drew this, and the one who drew Druddigon, should get together for a playdate some time.

Oh, and the less said about GreninjAsh, the better. I don't understand, and I don't want to understand.

Overall: 0/100%

ps if they seriously add in fucking fusion dances with your Pokemon as the new gimmick next game I am gonna lose my goddamn mind

Thursday, February 18, 2016

No. 721: Volcanion

oh shit they officially released this angry red bastard, right?

Well, even if they haven't, I'll still give 'em a review, for old times sakes.

Dr. Donuts here has a unique typing - Fire/Water. It's taken them entirely too long to get around to this concept, and in the end I'm not sure how it fits? I guess he's supposed to get all steamy and shit, but  he just looks like a Fire/Steel or something to me. Fire/Rock, even.

Also, that big ring is actually two extra limbs holding hands at the top - something that does NOT communicate through the single art, which seems to be an increasing trend with Gen 6. Several Pokemon had neat little design quirks that you need to see their fully animated model to appreciate, and while that's cool and all, I kinda think that you really ought to fully understand a Pokemon from just the still alone, y'know?

In any case, it's incredibly silly. Dude got an inner tube stuck into his body. He was in a hula-hoop accident. He's looking like the Christmas ornament I got from my aunt last year, I can picture him hanging on the tree next to that Santa Claus in a Hawaiian skirt and the Papier-mâché Rudolf I made in 3rd grade.

Actually, you know what he really looks like? Some Megaman X boss. Like his name would be Vulcanring Tortoise, or something.

Overall: 3/10

Friday, January 8, 2016

Team Flare of Kalos

I forgot about these dudes. I legit thought I had finished. I just came back because I realized I ought to do that new Legendary, and maybe Zygarde's forms, and WHOOPS the kick-ass Team Flare was sitting in the corner all dusty-like! C'mon fellas, up and at 'em!

oh wow I love these fabulous motherfuckers. For a team based on "style", they certainly fit the bill. I love the boldly colored suits, that match perfectly with their hair and sunglasses. I like how they're wearing the same exact costume, the girl doesn't get forced into a mini-skirt, but gets to rock the same uncomfortably-tight pants that the guy does. The belt buckle feels a tiny bit large, and the logo could use work, but those are minor issues and have more to do with Flare as a whole, than these two hip cats.

Grunts: 10/10

These are basically the best "official" images I could get of the admins, and it's a damn shame, because these guys are somehow EVEN BETTER than the grunts. I mean holy shit do you see that male admin's cue-ball shine? his sunglasses, head, and suit are all exactly the same amount of shininess, and that amount is DAZZLING. Meanwhile, the female admin is rocking the "I get shit done" hair, and both of them are popping their collars something fierce. I love how they have gold belt buckles, to show they're a step up from the silver of the Grunts. They look classy, like high-powered Triad members from a planet where Red is the only color that exists aside from monochrome.

Admins: 10/10

Mable is the one with the spats and the hoop hair. Bryony is the one with the green hair and the maxtrix glasses. Aliana is the one with the yellow leggings and indecent posture. Celosia is the one with the shoulder pads and the optic blast. Remember that now.

Anyway, these ladies don't really fit with the previously established theme, bringing in a pit of techno-punk, but at least they keep the design principles the same. Red is still the primary color, with white or black accents. I like how each one gets their own color, thouogh I could do without the gold kneepads. Giving them all visors (and unique visors at that!) is a cool idea, as is the way their costumes are made up of similar elements, but combined in different ways.

With that said, what are their unique strengths and weaknesses? Mable has dumb hair, but I like the shoulder pads. Bryony's color compliments the red very well, and I like how she's wearing short shorts. Aliana has dumb leggings, her color isn't contrasting enough, and her visor doesn't make any sense unless her eyeballs are oriented vertically. Celosia is pretty much perfect except for that dollop of gold on her knee.

Mable: 7/10    Bryony: 10/10    Celosia: 9/10    Aliana: 5/10

Xerosic is technically a scientist like the rest of those girls, but I think he deserves his own paragraph. First, note that this dude came here straight from doing some freaking science, he's still got his sleeves rolled up and one glove on, the other crammed into a pocket. You disturbed him from his Important Research, you imbecile. Maybe it was on skin care, because he's looking a little... dead. In any case, he's still dressed to the Team Flare Dress Code (RED ALL THE TIME), and I dig his goggles and weirdo hair. He manages to look both like a scientist, or at least a technician, as well as vaguely sinister. Odd that he doesn't wear the team's logo, though. It's not much of a logo, but c'mon.

Xerosic: 9/10

Now the big man himself, Lysandre. Cool name, large hair, inscrutable plans, and bafflingly allowed to walk around and sit in public cafes in broad daylight despite being a known terrorist who gloats about destroying the world. I have an affinity for big fluffy fur collars, so he's got one there. Also keeps the general boss theme of subverting the normal team colors - he's still in red, black, and white, but this time black takes the fore-front. Combined with the Grunts and Admins, they would make a nice set. His suit is sharp, his hair is lion-esque, and maybe only slightly too over-the-top. I'll say he ought to wear his own logo, though. And it's a pity he doesn't have a belt buckle encrusted with diamonds to show he's the Top Dogg, but whatever. Still a very solid ensemble. You can see where the rest of the fashion sense comes from.

Lysandre: 9/10

Team Flare just goddamn rocks when it comes to their outfits, let's just make that abundantly clear. These guys look organized, coherent, villainous, and fashionable as hell. At the same time, their goals are both simple and stupid - they want to get rich doing crime things, and everybody who gets in the way can take a suck. I think the last time we had such an honestly evil team was Rocket, so that's long-welcome, after a parade of bizarre eco-terrorists and well-intentioned extremists. But Lysandre had some crap ideology about "eternal beauty" and there was this ancient Pokemon-king, and somehow a crystal... I dunno, it all seems like a dream, now. What the heck was the plot of XY, anyway?

Oh, and their logo is supposed to look like a flaming F, but the lower part isn't pronounced enough and it just looks like a lick of schwoop.

Overall: 9/10