Friday, February 24, 2017

No. 758: Salazzle


Gamefreak isn't even being subtle anymore. If Salandit was a nudge and a wink, then Salazzle is basically reaching down into your pants and grabbing a handful. They want you to sex up this lizard. It's got a goddamn porn-star-tier pelvis tattoo pointing at its crotch, and another cupping the "bust". Thankfully, they showed some restraint and didn't make us reconsider our entire lives by introducing reptile-titties to the Pokemon world, but it's already too much. Salazzle poses like Nicki Minaj and spits unbearable toxic sludge from her mouth like Nicki Minaj.

Oh, and the Pokedex entry helpfully mentions that it creates "reverse-harems of male Salandit", which honestly ought to get it put on some sort of sexual predator list, right? Or do they not have those in Alola? That would explain a lot about Lusamine, actually.

BUT, all of that aside, Salazzle is hands-down my favorite Pokemon of this generation. She's rocking a slick color scheme, and instead of the random color bands of earlier gens, the accents form distinct patterns. As far as badass ladies go, Salazzle is right up there with Sarah Connor in Terminator 2.

If I wanted to make complaints about this Strong Independent Poison/Fire Pokemon who don't need no man, it would just be that 5 fingers and toes makes it look a little cluttered. There's a reason most cartoons stop at 4, if not 3. But that's not enough to make me dock any points from my big beautiful badass bae.

Overall: 10/10

1000th Post

I know it wasn't that many posts ago I made a big deal out of my 900th post, but that was a while ago in real time, and made when it wasn't clear if the blog would even be continuing any time soon.

"How can you have hit 1000", I hear some smartass jackoff saying somewhere. Well, there may be less than 800 Pokemon, but when you factor in my posts about the gym leaders, elite four, generational and type round-ups, plus other miscellaneous posts (like this one!) that all adds up.

Anyway, that's a solid grand! a G! 1k! Twice five-hundreds! It's a bunch!!

A big thank-you to all the loyal NAPACE readers, and even a thank-you to all the unfaithful fair-weather readers who honestly couldn't give a shit and just want me to hurry up and get back to the Pokemon reviews. Hell, I'll be generous and thank any hypothetical new readers who are only reading this as they archive binge! I'm sure you're all talented and attractive people with excellent taste in the internet blogs you follow!

Things ought to continue at about the same rate until I finish off Gen 7. I'm drawing it out on purpose, because I have no idea what to do after that.

Monday, February 20, 2017

No. 757: Salandit

Did you ever have a friend who wouldn't shut up about the Scoville Scale and put habanero on everything? Didn't you want to punch him in the face? Discuss.

Salandit is a sly-ass bitch with a unique typing and a pretty slick design. I dig the way the red part lights up when she spits fire. Those eyes are great, too. You can just tell she's a cocky asshole who knows she's the baddest bitch in town. And I do choose my swears wisely - the male Salandit is a worthless, lazy, shiftless bum who doesn't have his life in order and won't even evolve.

Also, for added insanity, the Pokedex says they can emit pheromones that attract males of any species, and it goes out of its way to specify that yes, even humans are included. I have no idea why this was needed to be a thing, but there it is. All you freaks drawing porn of Gardevoir getting nasty with Charizard or whatever, I think you've got a new mandate straight from Gamefreak - they want you to draw porn of this lizard. Of course, I don't want you to draw porn of this lizard. You didn't hear that from me. But I think the Pokedex makes its implications pretty clear.

But really, Salandit is the Pokemon equivalent of chugging a gallon of Popeyes' Sweet Heat sauce - spicy, probably poisonous, and oh-so-good.

Overall: 10/10

Thursday, February 16, 2017

No. 746: Shiinotic

I'm afraid your princess is in another castle.

Shiinotic is gonna scare some children, let's just make that straight. And his arms are what used to be Morelull's legs, so that means Morelull was walking around on a single arm? More than a little horrifying!

Also, we can't ignore the fact that Shiinotic appears to be wearing a Jigglypuff's skin for pants. At the moment I don't have any comment on this other than screaming at increasingly higher pitches, so we'll leave it at that for now.

I can dig the overall proportions, big-ass floppy mushroom heads as pseudo-turbans are great, but everything about Shiinotic just makes me want to turn on all the lights in my house and play Mario Kart. Cuz who ever got killed by a cursed druggie mushroom zombie while playing Mario Kart, right? hahaha like that would ever hap

Saturday, February 11, 2017

No. 745: Morelull

moar lulz

Despite looking like a child's night-light mixed with those awful bean sprouts they sometimes try and slip into stir-fried rice, Morelull is okay. It wouldn't be out of place in a Paper Mario game.

The biggest problem is its "feet" are just a single stalk with three prongs. It looks like the least stable thing in the world, my cat would knock this bitch down in a flash. Slam the door, BOOM down it goes. Morelull looks like the Pokemon version of the one kid who always gets picked on at school.

Because aside from that, it's okay. Morelull differentiates itself from Shroomish and Foongus by choosing to be tall instead of squat, and the "glowing mushroom" angle is fresh. Just give it legs that don't look like Iggy Koopa's hair and we can raise it above mediocre.

Overall: 5/10

Or, you could turn it upside down and lose the 'shrooms, and now we have some Grass/Ghost sprout. Though looking at it again, maybe it's ice cream with a palm tree on top? Whatever the case, I'm naming it Lullmore.

Lullmore: 7/10

Thursday, February 9, 2017

No. 754: Lurantis

I broke up with my ex-girl. Here's her number.

PSYKE. It's the wrong number

well actually, no, it's still the right number. I'm talking about the point of looking-like-a-bug-but-actually-I'm-a-grass. It's cute, but unlike Sudowoodo, who banks on idiots trying to light him on fire so he can bury them in rubble, 2 of Bug's weaknesses are shared with Grass. KO this thing with a Fire or Flying move every time you see it, and you may never realize it's true typing. And that's easy to do, too, thanks to its terrible speed.

[tangent alert]
two near-constant themes among Gen 7 Pokemon are their relatively low speed stats, and their low encounter rates. It's almost as if they tried to hide them away, and then when you get them, make them too slow to be useful anyway. I can sort of understand actively avoiding power creep, and if new mons end up weak then so be it, but why squirrel them away while throwing older-gen Pokemon in your face? Shouldn't it be the opposite? Get the new ones out and visible, while old classics are available to those who want to search for them?
[tangent over]

Lurantis has a pretty sweet design, though. It's a tad busy, but I can't love the idea of a shy bug wearing striped bell-bottoms. How is that not adorable? Also, I want to eat its hands. They look like some succulent-ass crab legs to me, which I think is an unintended mixup. Your mimicry doesn't work if it still makes me want to eat you, Lurantis!

Overall: 6/10

Sunday, February 5, 2017

No. 753: Fomantis

So how bout that local sports team?

Fomantis can barely move, it just wobbles along and waves its flippers in some semblance of life. A clear case of "we've got a neat idea for a Pokemon, now we just have to invent its prevolution", there's just not much to say here. It hardly looks like anything all on its own, it only makes sense as the obligatory stepping stone in the path towards Lurantis.

I will say I like the eyes, they got dat Eevee sparkle that brings all the boys to the yard, but that's about it. I guess the color scheme is refreshingly minty? Honestly, Fomantis looks like the head of a much larger, cooler monster - with green mandibles and a pink tongue or whatever. It's too poorly-conceived for me to see it as much more than that.

Overall: 3/10