Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Gen 7 Plans

So, like I did with Gen 6, I'm going to wait until Sun and Moon come out and I've played them a bit before I go in on the ratings. Especially don't want to jump in and conclusively rate peeps when I haven't even seen their full evolutionary line yet.

Though I gotta say, so far I'm not getting a good feeling about the new crop. Nobody jumps out at me yet, and a few seem actively terrible. I hope to be proven wrong, but I guess we'll see! Looking forward to the Alola region, though. Finally a game is set in a place I've lived, so it'll be cool to see what they do with the landmarks and culture and stuff.

In other news, how bout dat Pokemon Go? Seems really simplistic, but it's a neat idea at least. I want to see Pokemon from more than just Gen 1, too.

Friday, June 17, 2016

Primal Groudon and Primal Kyogre

People have been asking for me to officially review these, so I guess I may as well.

Primal Groudon is like regular Groudon, except with some shiny shit.

Overall: 4/10

Primal Kyogre is like regular Kyogre, except with some shiny shit.

Overall: 3/10

I mean, what were you expecting, really?

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Gen 7 Starters announced

Hot diggery damn, they finally let loose the seal! Sun and Moon starters announced, and while as before I'd like to wait until the game actually releases before I form official opinions on them, lemme give you my first thoughts.

Rowlet looks stuffed and lifeless.

Litten looks like something out of Yokai Watch.

Popplio looks like a mistake.

Well, uh... hopefully they all get better evolutions~!

Friday, April 1, 2016

Yo-kai no. 65: Cheeksqueek

Gives a true meaning to the phrase "butt-chin".

So this is proper disgusting, first off. Dude has a butt for a face, that's just not remotely anything I wanted to think about today, but here I am. This is the life that I chose.

I hate how his nostrils look like those dimples people sometimes have above their buttcrack, and I hate how he has a clump of brown hair that looks like poo. I mean, I get that you gotta do faithful representations of various yo-kai, but there's gotta be a thousand of those things. So maybe, just... don't do the one with the ass-face?

Oh, and this literal shitstain's shirt says "fart" on it, as if you really couldn't tell his gimmick. GEE TELL ME MORE HOW ABOUT DRAWING HIM FARTING ALL THE TIME SO WE- oh you did that too, just had to add that cloud of toot coming right out of his anus/mouth. Wonderful.

Overall: 1/10

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Pokemon 20th Anniversary

Though it's only been 18 here in America, Pokemon turned 20 this year. I'm getting all sorts of nostalgia-shocks, remembering how much this franchise used to rule my life.

Watching the show for the first time at my best friend's house, recording every episode on VHS tapes so that I could watch them again, trying to time it to avoid recording the ads as well, getting a pack of cards after being a good boy at the dentist's, opening a pack and finding a holographic Blastoise and being the envy of the playground for a week, how nobody else but me seemed to know how to actually play the game, the crinkle of the wrapping and smell of new cards, even collecting the cardboard ones from the backs of Lunchables and almost paying 50 cents for a Haunter that I wanted, listening to the 2 B.A. Master album and singing along in the car, arguing with kids who liked Digimon better, going to see the 2000 movie in theaters and getting an Ancient Mew card, those little glass dollops that used to come in the box sets for damage counters, playing Stadium and making a team of Mewtwo, Charizard, Mewtwo, Machamp, Zapdos, and Diglett, having a Pokemon-themed birthday party with all sorts of arts-n-crafts, bonking Pokemon on the head with apples in Pokemon Snap, how the Pokemon sprites in Super Smash Bros always faced the camera no matter how you turned it, screaming at the mic in a vain attempt to get Hey You! Pikachu to work, naming my cat after a Pokemon, and of course - playing those wonderful, ugly, magical, broken, mesmerizing games.

They also announced a new pair of games - Sun and Moon. These will launch later this year, so I guess that means NAPACE will finally have new fodder! I can't guarantee I'll have much to post about until they start leaking the new 'mons, and even when they do I think I want to wait until I get my hands on them in-game to review them. But that's something to look forward to, right?

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

New Zygarde forms

I wasn't sure if I should do these yet or not, since they aren't even technically in any game. But I've been biting my tongue for too long, and it's starting to go numb.
Basically, this is some stupid shit. This is the dumb stuff right here, ladies and gentlemen. This is the sort of material you get when you're done scraping the bottom of the barrel, and you actually break through the bottom and start digging into the ground below.

First, it needs to be re-established that base form Zygarde looks like this:
Oh sorry, I meant 50% Zygarde, because this slimy turd thinks he's Toguro or something. Well, you may be 50%, but you'll always be 100% terrible to me, Zygarde. Anyway, I don't understand why we're humoring your dumb ass and giving you all these fucking forms and stuff - Did anybody want this? Any single human being on the face of the planet?

The other thing you will immediately notice is that 50% Zygarde bears little to no resemblance to 10% or 100% Zygarde. He goes from a dog, to a slug, to a gundam. Sure, he tried to maintain this hexagonal Razer-sponsored pattern, but there's no link besides that.

I won't even do them the decency of rating them separately, because they're all equally terrible. The dog is awful because it just looks like a re-coloring of someone else's OC, and the gundam ruins any attempt at a color scheme with red and blue panels, plus just generally looking like a particularly noxious Digimon. It's fucking awful and I want it to go away.

Finally, and those "core" and "cell" designs? I'm not sure what purpose they serve, other than to complete the Digimon link, and have redundant baby and even-more-baby forms of things. They look as if they were drawn on a napkin by someone's little brother, and then imported into MS paint and colored with the paint bucket. The kid who drew this, and the one who drew Druddigon, should get together for a playdate some time.

Oh, and the less said about GreninjAsh, the better. I don't understand, and I don't want to understand.

Overall: 0/100%

ps if they seriously add in fucking fusion dances with your Pokemon as the new gimmick next game I am gonna lose my goddamn mind

Thursday, February 18, 2016

No. 721: Volcanion

oh shit they officially released this angry red bastard, right?

Well, even if they haven't, I'll still give 'em a review, for old times sakes.

Dr. Donuts here has a unique typing - Fire/Water. It's taken them entirely too long to get around to this concept, and in the end I'm not sure how it fits? I guess he's supposed to get all steamy and shit, but  he just looks like a Fire/Steel or something to me. Fire/Rock, even.

Also, that big ring is actually two extra limbs holding hands at the top - something that does NOT communicate through the single art, which seems to be an increasing trend with Gen 6. Several Pokemon had neat little design quirks that you need to see their fully animated model to appreciate, and while that's cool and all, I kinda think that you really ought to fully understand a Pokemon from just the still alone, y'know?

In any case, it's incredibly silly. Dude got an inner tube stuck into his body. He was in a hula-hoop accident. He's looking like the Christmas ornament I got from my aunt last year, I can picture him hanging on the tree next to that Santa Claus in a Hawaiian skirt and the Papier-mâché Rudolf I made in 3rd grade.

Actually, you know what he really looks like? Some Megaman X boss. Like his name would be Vulcanring Tortoise, or something.

Overall: 3/10