Friday, February 27, 2015

Hoenn Redux Roundup Part 2


I think we all agreed, that Norman was the most generic normal-ass dude of all time. So how can you redesign normality? you... don't, apparently. Now he's wearing japanese sandals wth his tracksuit pants, and has a strange jacket that I can't tell is multilayered or just colored. Like the shoulders and collar, tho. But now he looks distinctive all of a sudden, and we just can't have that. You're the Normal-type gym leader, dammit!!

Overall: 4/10


Speaking of generic, here's someone forgettable that they spruced up in a big way! Adding the cool gloves and boots was a great idea, the wing motif in her design works to make her look like a superhero or something. And is that her hair, or wings on the hat? I still can't tell. They also took out the yellow bands, thus being a rare case of a Gamefreak redesign simplifying the color scheme. Great work.

Overall: 9/10

Tate & Liza

They used to be lazybones, but now they're posing like some Ginyu Force shit. Still both fairy androgynous, still wearing chinese clothes. But I don't like those star buttons. They just look out of place. Cooler pajamas, though, so it evens it out.

Overall: 6/10


Sweet jiminy christmas.

Okay, first off, I am not okay with the cut of this man's pants. But at the same time, I don't think I'd like it reverse and cutting down in the middle, either. Not at that body latitude. Also is that a tiny skin-tight purple tank top you're wearing, Wallace? One that comes down to just about your nipples? and we haven't even mentioned this shimmering scarf, looking like Hatsune Miku up in this bitch.

Wallace, darling, you're fabulous as Frieza. But you're also a goddamn mess. Put the cap back on, please.

Overall: 2/10

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Hoenn Redux Roundup Part 1

Astute readers will know that while I was dicking around, updating like 5 times a month, a new Pokemon game came out. Or rather, a new remake. Which means, new gym leader designs! I entertained all the stylings of the Kanto and Johto leaders, so now it's Hoenn's turn. We'll do them in batches to make it go quicker.


Much improved. Her thighs no longer immediately make one think of tree trunks, and her overall look suggests character and motion. Also - her dress is grey, with a block pattern on the hem. It's not a lot, but it at least attempts to tie into her Rock theme more than before. Overall still forgettable, though.

Overall: 4/10


Again an improvement. The orange is toned down in favor of black, he got a tan, and is actually wearing things that might be associated with surfing (that swimshirt, the feety-shoes, goggles, etc). The gloves and shirt also make me think MMA, which is important because he's a goddamn Fighting Gym leader after all.

Overall: 6/10


Aw man, I knew they had to make one worse. The main difference is that he's wearing a hawaiian shirt and sandals, as opposed to the more professional sweater and shoes. Maybe he's on vacation? In his own town? It looks dumb to wear a shirt like that over a jumpsuit, is what I'm saying. Though I give him credit for the flowers having lightning bolt stamens, and his sandals having screws in them, I just don't think it's as strong as his brown-and-yellow outfit from before. Also, his body seems more round than before, possibly because he rolled up his pant legs.

Overall: 6/10


Riddle me this - Flannery is showing even more skin than before, but I don't like it! All of these designs got busier, but I really liked Flannery's simplicity. The combination tied-up-t-shirt-without-arms and sports bra (?) is unnecessary, and while I understand that the thing on her waist is supposed to be like a towel because she owns the Hot Springs, it just looks like that - a towel she is using as a belt because she's poor. I guess it all comes together to give her more of a Japanese Hick theme, than American Punk, but I think the latter is much cooler. er, maybe that should be hotter, since she's a Fire trainer and all?

Overall: 7/10

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Diantha of the Kalos Elite Four

The final Champion! At least until Gamefreak makes more...

Whereas Cynthia wore all black, Diantha classes it up in all white. Looking like something out of Girls Generation, except with some sort of... cloud? behind her? Or are those supposed to be wings?

She's got cute hair, I like how it looks like Don Patch.

Wish there was more that I could say, but that's about the extent of my opinions on Diantha. I don't think she's badass like the rest of the Champions, though that's not to say she looks bad, just... more casual? More relaxed about it? Bue was wearing the Frat Boy Standard, but he looked like he meant business. Diantha seems like she takes her movie star job first, and being Champion comes second.

but seriously what are those wingaling things, Shauntal had something like this too, what's the dilly

Overall: 7/10

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Drasna of the Kalos Elite Four

ara ara~

Further proving that dragons are for everyone - from salty sea-dogs to pretty princesses to edgy teens - comes Drasna, who looks like your friend's mom who always had ice cream when you came over to play.

I like the motif they went with for her - all the fangs and claws and shit are cool, and definitely make me think "dragon". They're just regular jewelry, except freaking huge (her ears should be on the floor with that kind of weight), but her face is just as pleasant. As if for her, wearing the literal teeth of a Garchomp is just regular business. It's a neat juxtaposition.

Drasna is right on the edge, where any more and she'd lose that housewife style, but any less and she would look like one of the Village Elders who Ash meets in a movie and they tell him he has to participate in some stupid-ass festival and of course he wins the festival and turns out to be the destined hero of the whatever and has to make friends with the local rampaging legendary pokemon. You know, the plot of every single fikkin' Pokemon movie, except the one where Mewtwo just wanted to start shit for no good reason. And the one about the goat.

That one was weird.

Overall: 8/10

Friday, February 13, 2015

Wikstrom of the Kalos Elite Four

This dude showed up in a suit of goddamn armor

How heavy must one's balls be, to do something like that? To show up to a Pokemon battle in full plate, with gold trim no less. How large and ponderous must such testicles be, to go so far as to get special gold-plated pokeballs and wear a little golden star on your forehead, only for a Pokemon battle.

It's a sort of paradox - the kind of person who would wear something like this, is the kind of person who doesn't need armor in the first place. I mean, as cool as all the other Elite Four people are, don't they all look like they weren't even trying compared to Wikstrom? "What's that, you put on an apron? I put on a motherfucking suit of armor, get out of my face."

His head is like something from an Osamu Tezuka work, and his swag is at unmentionable levels. I'm sure he owns a kickass helm, and the only reason he didn't wear it is because he wanted everyone to see the little star he glued to his forehead. Why'd he do that? That's just what he's daring you to ask. And if you do, he'll pick you up under one arm and shake you until you either throw up or piss yourself.

I mean, at this point, is the Pokemon battle even really necessary? All you can prove is that you can train your monsters to beat up his, whatever. He's still beaten you in the game of "being a goddamn Knight". The only way to get on his level is to show up with your own suit of armor, and that's just sadly not possible in this game.

Overall: 10/10

Monday, February 9, 2015

Siebold of the Kalos Elite Four

Whenever I watch Hell's Kitchen, I wish I could care about anything in my life as much as Ramsay cares about the quality of his food.

When you see the battle portrait, you think he's going to be some badass Kill-la-Kill style mofo, with a stylish high color and cravat and white outlandish suit. Then you see the whole thing, and that doofy apron just kills the entire design.

it hangs there limp and flaccid, like the "before" picture in a Viagra add. it isn't even pleated like the ruffles on his waist and neck. It looks totally out of place.

He's a chef, yeah, but you could have at least made him look cool. Or given him a fun hat. I like the torso and head, but the rest just falls apart as your gaze lowers. Why is he balancing slices of blue cucumber on his shoes? it's just silly.

Overall: 4/10

Friday, February 6, 2015

Malva of the Kalos Elite Four

C. Viper!? Is that you??

Yo, check those pants. Check those goddamn pants. Are you seeing those pants? I'm not imagining the same cutouts on the back and I'm sweating profusely please somebody send help

It's cool that she's an ex-Team Flare member - it makes you think that it really was an influential organization, enough that it had fingers even in the Pokemon League. Like Giovanni and Team Rocket. And you see her throughout the game on the holo caster. I like it when big-name NPCs are integrated into the world like this. Imagine if someone like Bill turned out to be an Elite Four member? it would be bananas.

She's also a downright heel, which is actually sort of rare, most trainers are good sportsmen, but she's just frikking pissed you messed up her organization and then still beat her in the challenge! That's refreshing.

And finally, she dresses in red and black and is from Team Flare and uses Fire types. Listen up, Flint - this is how you do "Fire Elite Four Member".

Overall: 10/10