Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Lenora of Nacrene City

Should I be offended?

On one hand, she's pretty much your usual Mammy caricature - large woman with big natty hair, one of those headscarf things, big red lips, very dark skin, and an apron. Except I definitely don't feel any sort of malicious intent here - just a sort of misguided attempt at someone in Nintendo telling Gamefreak to include "more diversity", and unfortunately Japan's idea of black people is restricted to Bob Sapp and google images.

And no, I don't think all those brown-skin-with-white-hair characters count (as godlike a combo as that is), especially when they blue, red, green eyes and give them the same facial features as any other ambiguously Animu character. That's just a race that exists solely in anime-world, it really has no bearing on any actual people of color.

I bring this all up because without it, there's not much to say. Lenora is boring. Normal-type leaders tend to be, and she just feels like she hasn't really gotten into her role yet. I guess her gym was fossil themed? She could do a lot more to look like an archaeologist, historian, explorer, something.

Again, she's just not worth getting offended about, or even caring about at all. And you can tell Nintendo realized they dun goofed, because after a short while they removed the apron from her artwork and stuff. Without it, she's still boring:

Overall: 3/10

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Cress of Striation Gym

what the metaphorical shit

This sumbitch named Cress, which isn't anything I think a man have any business being named. And his Japanese name is Corn, which is not only utterly irrelevant but also stupid as hell.

Because I mean seriously - dude looks like he got a head like Max & Cheese when they did that Shrek crossover with the blue food coloring instead of orange. Droopy goopy meatball on a stick pastaroni head.

Is he supposed to be the "cool" one? Or, god forbid, the "sexy" one? I balk at the very idea. Ladies  in the audience, back me up on this one - would you want this dope Dr. Suess-ass piece of shit serving you wine and parfaits and biz? I wouldn't. I'd punch him in the face, or maybe give him the Stone Cold Stunner.

I also hate his pose, "did I do that?"-style bullshit, get out of here, man. There's no way anyone gave this loon control of a gym. Actually, the reason they all share the gym is probably because it takes three of them to do the job of a normal human being.

If I had to pick two words to describe the abomination I see before me, they would be ABSOLUTE and ASS.

Overall: 1/10

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Chili of the Striation Gym

Oh hell I hate guys like this

You know the type, that anime character who only shouts and fist-pumps all the time and can't shut up about how FIRED UP he is, and basically just acts a fool and gets everyone else in trouble but then thinks he can laugh it off. Black * Star is literally the only time this character has been done right. And possibly Takeshi Sendou of Hajime no Ippo, but I'd argue his character has a bit more nuance to it.

Anyway, Chili has an ass for a head and a head for an ass. He's unrealistically hyped up about being a shitty gym leader in a podunk little town, where he acts as a goddamn waiter. And he makes sure to try and type-trump your starter, like a douche.

Now, chili gives me gas, but I would've give a single fart for Chili. I can't even imagine how he thinks he could look like anything even remotely approaching a "cool person".

Overall: 1/10

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Cilan of Striation Gym

oh god what day is it. what year is it. HAVE I REALLY BEEN ASLEEP FOR SO LONG!?

Yeah, sorry about that. Came down with a bad case of "new job" and though I remain unfortunately employed, I would feel awful letting an entire month go by without a single post.

A pity Cilan is what I have waiting for me. This rutabaga of a human being is so utterly devoid of personality, one might confuse him for a bit of topiary, or perhaps an unusually large speck of dust on your glasses.

His name is Cilan because his Japanese name is Dent and that doesn't make any goddamn sense. Cilantro is at least something related to plants, which he uses. Also he replaced Brock in the anime, for some unknown reason.

But mostly I hate that he's a waiter. I have a pathological hatred of waiters, especially hoity-toity ones like this. He probably expects a 25% tip regardless of his service. Tough luck, chump - just as I balk at sales tax, I balk at tipping. Oh, of course I do it, but I hate it.

"Oh don't mess with waiters they'll spit in your food" I hear you say. Screw that noise, no other profession has to be bribed to NOT be a total ass. I'm sorry you aren't paid well enough, maybe you should unionize and do something about it. Just mark up those "tips" into the menu ahead of time and we'll go from there. I hate the feeling of buying a nice 10 dollar meal and then having to scrounge around for the extra dollar fiddy. Europe, despite being our backwards cousins in other regards, at least has this figured out.

So yeah Cilan can choke on it. But he gets a bonus point because his brothers are even worse.

Overall: 2/10

Monday, October 13, 2014

Sinnoh League Champion Cynthia

a classy dame indeed

After a mediocre Elite Four, you finally get to Cynthia, who's so cool you get the idea she could solo the previous four with no problem. She doesn't stick to one type, which is perfectly fine and maybe even should be encouraged for a champion. I didn't really care much for my playthrough of Pearl (as you may have gathered by now), but that final confrontation with Cynthia was definitely one of the highlights. It came down to my last guy, and her Lucario. I don't remember the specifics of the battle, but it was great.

And likewise, Cynthia's design is great. I love how her clothes somehow both resemble a no-nonsense business suit, but also an elegant ball gown. Black fur trim really helps.

What's cooler, is that she shows up in the next game. Just hanging out like a badass in her private ocean-front property, of course. I love it when Pokemon does this, acknowledges that it takes place in a connected universe.

Oh snap, noticed one more thing - the tips of her shoes - also have a thin yellow band, just like her hair accessories. Gotta love that devotion of fashion.

Overall: 10/10

Friday, October 10, 2014

Lucian of the Sinnoh Elite Four

Objection!! That's actually Miles Edgeworth, not a Pokemon Trainer!

No, it's just Lucian. Though props to this guy for actually sticking to a theme - Aaron and Brenda didn't look the part at all, and Flint wasn't even trying.

Because while he may not eccentric as hell like other Psychic-type masters, you just look at him and know he's gonna do some freaking magic. Possibly with his fingers. Because really, who wears burgundy suits and has wavy purple hair, except magicians?

He's stylish and understated, which would make him stand out against the usual Elite Four crowd (a dude going to a masquerade ball, a shirtless sailor, a ninja, literally Ryu, and a man in a full suit of plate armor). However, as we've seen, the Sinnoh Elite Four isn't the usual lineup. They must have run out of costuming budget, because these basic bitches are still just wearing whatever hell clothes they had on when they got the job.

I mean, you're slick and all, Luce, but I would not bat an eye if you were just a Cool Trainer on Victory road.

Overall: 5/10

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Flint of the Sinnoh Elite Four

holy shit it's Ronald McDonald

An entire color combination has been forever tainted by a single, ubiquitous character. Though having a red afro doesn't really do you any favors in not being compared to the Ran Ran Ru.

Also, Flint is supposedly a Fire user? despite the fact that his Diamond/Pearl team features more non-Fire types than it does Fire types. Maybe you should've thought of the immense scarcity of Fire in Sinnoh before you decided to make a trainer specialize in the type, Gamefreak. Maybe you should've put more goddamn Fire types in the game in the first place, Gamefreak. Why don't you look me in the eyes when I'm speaking, Gamefreak.

Yeah, I know he got fixed in Platinum, I don't even care. Dude looks dorky and uncommitted to his type. Maybe with a yellow afro and a red shirt? Or would that be too Bo-bobo-esque.

As it stands, Flint should go back to flipping burgers.

Overall: 2/10