Thursday, April 20, 2017

No. 774: Minior

So many - So mini!


I didn't expect to love this little guy, but damn if Minior didn't turn out to be one of my favorites in Alola. Its ability is really fun to use, and makes you play the game differently than other Pokemon - do you use Shell Smash to drop your defenses and intentionally take that hit, then rock out with super-buff Speed and Attack stats? Or do you throw out whatever move you want, then gtfo with U-turn, knowing you've got a glass cannon Minior in your pocket? Or maybe just Explosion when health gets low and you don't give a shit. A lot of options!

Speaking of options, Minior comes in all sorts of colors. I think it should be a cereal. Mini-O's you can call it. Chocolate crust around a berry-flavored center. The flavors, by the way, are rightfully ranked as follows:

Blue Raspberry > Strawberry > Cotton Candy > Watermelon > Lemon > Orange > Grape > Black Licorice

With the shell on, it has a cool tribal mask sort of flair. With the mask off, it's one of those cute things from Super Mario Galaxy. Either way, it's a winner.


Overall: 10/10

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

No. 773: Silvally

It's a well-known anime fact that dramatically removing a helmet or mask increases your power tenfold.

Why wasn't this just a form? Or Mega-Evolution? Dude just removed some headgear, that's it. And the chicken head underneath looks actually kinda cool, until you realize he's got cat ears thrown in for good measure, and a dozen other superfluous details. btw that metal visor? Digimon as heck.

Also, was the "can be any time" gimmick really so awesome they had to do it twice? Like yeah Arceus cool cool I get it whatever. But we done that, so why are we doing it again? Silvally is practically a Legendary anyway, he's just a shitty Arceus.

Sorry, dude. I'm more interested in what the hell Pokemon you took those grasshopper ass lookin' legs from, than whatever monster mash you've got going on. But at least you ditched the headgear.


Overall: 3/10

Saturday, April 8, 2017

No. 772: Type: Null

Error 404 Type Not Found

I'm not playing that new Digimon game, am I? Is this really being passed off as a Pokemon? Sure, it's essentially treated like a legendary in terms of the story, where it was the result of experiments (similar to Mewtwo), but even so - this monster mash on chicken legs is not at all what I expected from Alola.

It seems almost redundant to point out how silly it looks to have armadillo plates, a Zora tail, some insect-like forearm, a chicken's crest, and some dang ass UFO helmet all stuck on top of I guess a dog's body. Because they set out to create a garbage pile of random parts, and succeeded! Well done! Why'd you do it?

That's not to say a conglomeration of parts can't look good, but Type: Null (oh how I hate that name) certainly doesn't. The strangest helmet in the world is partially to blame, it has so much higher concentration of detail than anything else it draws the eye, and then only afterwards you realize that this thing has a million dull, washed out colors. It's looking like the DC Cinematic Universe reboot of some other, more colorful, less angsty Pokemon. (which it kinda is, but we'll get to that later)

I'm tempted to give it a Score: Null, but it ain't THAT awful. Just regular awful.


Overall: 2/10

Saturday, April 1, 2017

No. 25b: Alolan Pikachu

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

Alolan Pikachu is straight-up terrifying. They claim that the tropical climate made it grow taller, but a Pikachu should NOT have those proportions. Looking like a Captain Tsubasa character.

More disconcerting is the fact that the only moves Alolan Pikachu learn are Stomp, Spit-up, and Hyberbeam. Literally nothing else. They don't even lean Stockpile! What the shit are they spitting up!?

Honestly, I have to assume Gamefreak just wanted to give children nightmares with this one. And the less said about the random backpack, the better. Get away from me, you Dora the Explorer ass lanky motherfucker.


Overall: 1/10

Friday, March 31, 2017

No. 771: Pyukumuku

sea cucumbers are proof that God didn't really know what he was doing
I think Pyukumuku is supposed to be cute, but it just looks like one of those shitty stuffed animals you find at craft fairs. Is it supposed to be a rabbit? A hedgehog? Some sort of aggressive pebble? Hard to tell, but the stuffing is already coming out of a burst seam! Quick, buy it before the vendor gets insulted.

But no, it's supposed to be a sea cucumber, which means it throws up its guts as a defense mechanism. Now, me, I'd keep my guts inside, because I've always been taught those are important, but what do I know? Nature is disgusting and cruel, is the lesson here.

And the Pyukster here has another weird foible - it steadfastly refuses to learn a single damage-dealing move. This makes it very awkward to use in-game, though I'm sure it has some niche in the competitive scene. Not my jam, though.

The one redeeming feature of Pyukumuku is that instead of innards coming out its mouth/anus, a big beefy arm comes out Trogdor style. This is intensely hilarious and almost makes up for everything else. I am in love with the idea of a useless little lump who spits punches at people. I don't like anything else about this wretched puke, but the hidden muscular arm is JUST SO AWESOME, I gotta compromise.


Overall: 5/10

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

No. 770: Palossand

Oh tell me why, do we build castles in the sky? oh tell me why, are the castles way up high?

Man, I just love this guy. Big droopy fortress sand-trap spook. The towers acting like hands is a neat touch, and I love how the little shovel spins. Another example of a good Pokemon made great by strong animations.

It's also neat to run something with high Physical defense, but high Special Attack. You don't see those paired that often, it seems. I kinda wish the Water Compaction ability nullified the damage as well, or affected both Defensive stats, but maybe that would be too good.

It reminds me of making sand castles on the beach and then stomping on them, except Palossand is the one who does the stomping now, sending phantom regiments out on sortie from its garrison, and discharging volleys of spectral cannon fire from the turrets. Then it drags you down and curses you for eternity or something. NOW DO YOU FEEL SORRY FOR STOMPING ON ALL THOSE SAND CASTLES


Overall: 10/10

Monday, March 27, 2017

No. 769: Sandygast

and so we go carefully forward in this way
watch out for the sandcastles they will get in your way
sometimes there is a roof over your head you do not know
where does the future go but forward

Haunted sand? I'm down. That's all I needed to hear. I've always been a lowkey fan of the slime monsters, so having a sandy cousin to Grimer is welcome. I really like how the mouth goes all the way through, it reminds me of that one Secret in Super Mario Sunshine in Gelato Beach. Which I was stuck on for like a month because of those freaking crumbling sand blocks.

Okay, before I get mad, let's focus on the positives again. Sandygast is neat! Fun typing and movepool. Only thing I'd change would be the shovel - it seems kinda dumb that EVERY Sandygast somehow gets a shovel stuck in its head. Unless it's one of those things where the shovel is the true body, and the sand is just the stuff accumulated and manipulated by it?

...NAH, that would be too lame and confusing for a Pokemon game. I'm sure no Pokemon will ever use a similar conceit. *foreboding music plays*


Overall: 9/10