No. 989: Sandy Shocks

I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere.

No, see, this is where I draw the line. What do you mean, there's an ancient Magneton? The Pokemon that's not only overtly a modern creation, but also the combination of three other Pokemon? You're telling me it used to be one thing, who just so happened to look like a modern-day screws and magnets, and then split up and developed a new baby form?

That's ridiculous. Go home. You're drunk. Why would you even consider Magneton, among all the possible options, to make an "ancient" version of. And it doesn't even float, but walks around on big bendy legs???

 

Overall: 1/10 

No. 988: Slither Wing

 obscure 0² vibes, y'know?

Slither Wing got done dirty by the artwork. It doesn't communicate how the tail is actually as long as its body, how it has proper wings not just a single spine, and that it can walk on its hind legs. Especially when all we had was the blurry low-res Pokedex artwork, I thought it looked like a complete dud.

Turns out, Slither Wing is really cool! I don't know why this moth has a dinosaur tail, but I'm not complaining. It doesn't even feel like a moth anymore, but some weird hairy insect-reptile beast, which is awesome. I like how it's fuzzy and cute, but also has the right bodyplan to strike cool poses. 

 

Overall: 9/10 

No. 987: Flutter Mane

 Little Miss Min-Maxed herself

That one tendril that's covered in scales, or maybe it's like the scales (feathers?) have worn away, bugs me. What's up with that? And what's up with the one red spike on its body, too? Is this battle damage? Is it shedding?

Regardless, I don't hate it. In fact, I could totally see Flutter Mane as a normal evolution for Misdreavous, no gimmick required. I'll totally believe this is a regular Pokemon, so it's a shame it will never be allowed to be.

 

Overall: 6/10 

No. 986: Brute Bonnet

Et tu, Brute?

One might call foul on Brute Bonnet, since obviously Pokeballs weren't invented back in dinosaur times, but I think from the Pokedex entries it's clear that Foongus and Amoongus just happen to look like that, and in fact the modern Pokeball design was inspired by their pattern, not the other way around. Yeah, they use their pattern for mimicry, but it says it doesn't even work on Pokemon, because obviously it wouldn't. They're adapting to humans, and trying to lure them in, instead.

So I'm okay with Brother Bruti here, it's like spiders evolving smiley-faces for no particular reason other than to prove God has a sense of humor.

And you know what, take away the green mossy fringe, and I'd really like the Brute Root! I think adding legs and a tail helps stability Amoongus's design in a neat way, turning him into some sort of centaur mushroom soldier thing. The fanged beak doesn't hurt, either. It's just that drapery I could do without.

 

Overall: 7/10  

No. 985: Scream Tail

 I whip my hair back and forth

I mean, yeah, it's Jigglypuff with a Majin Buu head tendril, what else is there to say? Kinda stupid, not really sure what we're doing here.

I'm also not sure what's up with these names, can't we get actual Pokemon names? Even Ultra Beasts had names. Call this pink bitch Jigglypunk or something.

The one thing I'll give 'em is that I admire the consistency of design motifs - yellow eyes, eyeshadow, fangs, usually a tail, and extra hair. They decided those are the elements that define "prehistoric" and are determined to represent them in each one. I like that.

 

Overall: 3/10 

No. 984: Great Tusk

 I'm sure I saw this guy on the Flintstones

Now we get into the Paradox Pokemon, starting with the ancient ones. To me, this felt like a strange concept, because we already know what ancient Pokemon looked like. They looked like Kabuto, and Cradily, and Aurorus. Relicanth, too. You know, Fossil Pokemon!

Instead, here's this group of weirdos who just resemble modern Pokemon, but hairier and with bigger fangs. It's strange to think of long-term evolution as we understand it in real life, in a series where Pokemon undergo evolution akin to metamorphosis. I know some people were saying they're not meant to be real at all, just the fantasies of explorers made physical, but I think it ended up being that they are from the past, but actually it's another timeline's past?

idk, the Pokemon Multiverse Theory is a topic I find so engrossing that every time someone brings it up I fall asleep. What matters here is the design at hand, which is basically just what I said - a hairier Donphan, with bigger tusks.

And Donphan is one of the all-time greats, so naturally that means Great Tusk is also pretty good, but I think those tusks are just a bit too big. Can't skewer anything when they're curved back so far like that! Also, the more I look at it, the more I think that Donphan was actually perfect and I start to resent even trying to iterate on it. It's like putting eyebrows on the Mona Lisa. Or in this case, pink spikes on an elephant.

 

Overall: 6/10 

Paldean Tauros

 doing this here with all the other regional evolutions, so I don't forget

For a Spain-inspired region, there's not a whole lot of Spanish flavor in Paldea. But if there's one thing I was looking forward to, it was a bullfighting Pokemon. El toro y el matador, you know? So what they decided to do with this easy layup is... odd, to say the least.

First up, it's just a regional form of Tauros. Which isn't awful, I mean they could have just made a new bull Pokemon, but they already have one, so hey. But when I saw it, I thought it was just a shiny Tauros. Then I noticed its horns were blunted. Somehow, this makes it a Fighting type.

I mean, yes, it is a bull that fights, because bullfighting, so Fighting, that's fine. But wouldn't that make it look, idk, more aggressive? Shouldn't the horns be emphasized, if anything?


Then I realized that there are multiple forms of this regional form, which seems pretty pointlessly confusing, especially since Blaze Breed is easily the best of the lot and should have been the only one. Fire/Fighting is a better combo, it has badass horns, plus the tail being braided into a bullwhip is such a cool detail! It's one of those rare regional forms that's just a straight improvement on the original in every way.


Finally, the Aqua Breed, just seems redundant. Why do we have this water buffalo? This isn't Veggie Tales. Its horns look dumb, and spinning its tails like a propeller in the water is barely anything.

But again, I have to ask: Why are there three of these guys? I would have simply done Blaze Breed on its own, that's Paldean Tauros, no further questions. If there must be multiple, then I suppose Fire and Water are traditional counterparts, whatever. But then why does there exist a third version whose defining characteristic is just "lacks the defining characteristics of the other two"? Especially since you could just use regular Kanto Tauros in that role. I don't get it.

 

Combat Breed: 6/10

Blaze Breed: 10/10

Aqua Breed: 4/10 

No. 983: Kingambit

 Fu Rin Ka Zan

I hate that Kingambit sucks. I wish he was good. But he's not. He looks like a Mega Evolution, and I mean that in the most derogatory way possible. Gigantic crest and mustache that make him look unbalanced, and impractical protruding rib-blades. (although they're arguably more convenient than Bisharp's, since they act as a cage but allow him to keep his arms at his sides)

And then there's the stupid freaking hair-chair. I know he's modeled after a samurai general, specifically Takeda Shingen, squatting on his stool as he surveys the battle, but the fact that he doesn't even get his lazy ass up to walk around, but floats on it is insulting. Some people will tell you that he's moving like a chess piece, as if that makes it any better. It's still dumb as shit. I hate that his hair becomes the stool, too. It makes him look like one of those early Amiibos where they had random plastic chunks to prop up the figures.

If you size-down the crest and 'stache and ribs, take away his hair stool, and let him stand up, the underlying body construction isn't bad. But we don't live in that reality, and that makes it hurt all the more.

 

Overall: 1/10 

No. 982: Dudunsparce (for real)

Maybe Pokemon was a mistake.

I decided Dunsparce was my least-favorite Pokemon a long time ago, and since then Gamefreak has tested my patience every generation by introducing some new freak to despise. They finally won in Generation 8, with Calyrex, who dislodged Dunsparce from his throne of failure and assumed the role as my official Least-Favorite Pokemon of All Time.

But don't for a second make the mistake of thinking I've forgiven Dunsparce.

No, I still hate that blind cave bastard, and when I look at this misbegotten evolution I admit to taking a sick pleasure from all the idiots who thought this was a Feebas situation, that the ugly duckling would evolve into a beautiful swan. Bitch, you're not even a duckling. 

Dunsparce does not deserve happiness, it does not deserve to be "saved" with a cool evolution. What it deserves is to be forgotten, but if we must revisit the dunce, I think this is the best possible outcome. Double down on its ridiculous stupidity. Dunsparce cannot be redeemed or improved, it can simply be increased. Now there's twice as much Dunsparce. Does this make anyone happy? I doubt it.

 

Overall: 1/10

 

P.S. it has come to my attention that there exists a three-segment version of Dudunsparce. I think this is highly perverse, and will not be acknowledging it.
 
 

No. 981: Farigiraf

 This is what we could be getting, instead of Mega Evolutions.

The original concept of Girafarig was that it was sort of a Pushmi-pullyu, a beast that's the same coming and going. That changed from the beta to a giraffe with a weird chain chomp tail, which is less biologically disconcerting. As it evolves into Farigiraf, that tail wraps around its back and swallows the main head, which is biologically terrifying.

I feel like we've lost the original "mirrored" intent, but I don't really care because Farigiraf is actually pretty neat! The secondary head looks like a hoodie, which is cute. I don't really like the transition from dark brown to black, though - those colors are too similar to put adjacent, just pick one. And if you must change, do it at the base of the head, not halfway through the head. But the overall shape of the whole Pokemon is really solid.

 

Overall: 7/10 

No. 980: Clodsire

 act of clod

Clodsire is also quite similar to Quagsire, the main different (besides coloration) being that he's laying down, and his limbs are appropriately short. This is the most plush-able Pokemon of all time. I want a giant one that I can sleep on.

Also, it sprouts spikes from its back when it attacks? is that something salamanders do? seems painful.

like Paldean Wooper, I prefer the original Quagsire, but that doesn't mean Clodsire is bad. In fact, it's wonderful. I wish to achieve the same inner peace that Clodsire demonstrates with its vacant smile.

 

Overall: 10/10 

Paldean Wooper

 whoppity whoop

Wooper was already perfect, so how does the poisonous chocolate version compare? Pretty well! They didn't even feel the need to change its proportions, like they did for Alolan Vulpix and a few others.

Its new antennae sort of look like crossbones, and the pattern on its belly suggest more bones, which I think is supposed to be like how poison bottles have a skull and crossbones on it to let you know pirates are nearby?  let you know it's dangerous? That's neat, I guess.

I dunno, I'm just not sure we really needed a new Wooper - a Newper, if you will - and at the end of the day I kinda like the original one better just cuz it was there first. But there's certainly nothing wrong with Paldean Wooper, if anything it feels like a new Shiny.

 

Overall: 10/10 

No. 979: Annihilape

 Local Ape Too Angry To Live

Cross-gen evolutions have historically been hit-or-miss, but I'm proud to announce that this one is very much a Hit. This is a Digimon-core Pokemon, in the best possible way. He's breaking out of his shackles, eyes red with anger, hair standing on end like he's channeling the Ultimate Fist of the Ass-Whuppin', and he does it all without becoming fat or throwing away Primeape's design motifs.

I can't say enough about how much I love what they did with the fur, here. It frays around his shoulders like Akuma's torn gi, hangs down like wise kung-fu master's beard, same for the ears becoming long eyebrows. It also reminds me of the sculptor from Sekiro, or any other sort of ascetic who's thrown away all notions of personal grooming to devote their life to a solitary pursuit. And you can call it super saiyan hair if you want, but I think it looks proper ghostly, waving with wrathful energy.

My only criticism is that the 3D model just has those three extraneous strands of hair floating around as if moored to the model, instead of making the whole hair flicker like flames. But I love this angry bastard so much, I can't hold it against him.

 

Overall: 10/10 

No. 978: Tatsugiri

I've never had a piece of sushi that didn't make me think "wow, this would be even better if they had just cooked the fish"

Bulbapedia twists itself into knots trying to justify why this edible morsel is part Dragon. Sure, that Curly form resembles a shachihoko, which is a dragon-fish seen on the tops of Japanese roofs (akin to the European gothic gargoyle). But it's not named Shachigiri, is it? The Japanese name is Sharitatsu, because shari is "sushi rice". But that's not Shachihoko, either. In fact, it's the "tatsu" part that makes it a Dragon, because that's what Tatsu means. So, okay, fine, it's a fish that's arbitrarily given dragonic qualities, that's fine. So why doesn't it look like it? Droopy and Stretchy forms don't have any bit of shachihoko in 'em, and NONE of that has anything to do with being some damn sushi.

Anyway.

The gimmick about jumping into Dondozo's mouth to command it like some sort of giant fishy mech is fun. It's a shame double battles aren't more prevalent in the main game, but whatever. I just don't get why it has to be sushi.

Like, the idea that it imitates food to lure in prey, then boom surprise here's Dondozo, why are other Pokemon looking to eat sushi? It inflates its stomach sac to imitate rice, for what reason? People eat sushi. Not wild animals. I think you could've done this entire gimmick and just made them big fish + little fish. 

And I still don't understand why any of that makes it a Dragon.

 

Overall: 3/10 

No. 977: Dondozo

 Big Ass Fish

Not really much to say here, Dondozo is just a big ass fish and that's what he is. Sure, the little circle of fins on his head suggests a sushi chef, but that's Tatsugiri's bag. I won't blame Dondozo for that. Bro is just out here fishin' around, being big. Fishing bigly. He's a big fish. Big ass fish.

 

Overall: Big/Fish 

No. 976: Veluza

Vaultin' Veluzas!

One of the more horrifying Pokemon, Veluza literally fillets itself in order to boost its speed.



What I don't understand is why it's not related to the sushi Pokemon, Tatsugiri (coming up soon) is a completely unrelated fish. Also, between the metal coloration, translucent purple fins, angular noise-pattern-looking interior, and the way its flesh chunks just expand outwards, makes it feel like a robot. But it's not Steel-type at all, it's Water/Psychic.

idk, I don't want to think about Veluza any more than I have to. Plus we already had Barraskewda in the last gen, if you really need a seaborne danger sausage flying at mach-5 speeds.

 

Overall: 3/10 

No. 975: Cetitan

WHITE WHALE
HOLY GRAIL

Cetitan looks freakin' awesome! As with Cetoddle, I'm on board with the concept and colors, but this guy is more proportional and looks like a badass. Just a big ol' tank of a Pokemon, smashing glaciers and kicking ass and not taking shit from anybody.

then

it opens its mouth. 

and ughhhh I really wish you hadn't done that! I assumed that all three spikes were on its forehead, and the jaw would open below them, but looking at how the underbelly is colored and how that line curves around, I guess I was trying to avoid seeing the truth. This guy's teeth are higher up than his eyeballs, which exist on a thin little flap of skin. Those big, cool horns? Also only anchored by a fragile bit of flesh, and arranged in a way that surely makes using that mouth for anything impractical.

I mean it's still pretty cool overall, but Cetitan loses several points just by openings its mouth.

 

Overall: 8/10 

No. 974: Cetoddle

Did you know that whales once had legs? They evolved backwards from wolves or something. Crazy shit.

I thought I liked this line when it was first revealed, but the more I look at this artwork, the less I like it. Which is a shame, cuz I want to like it! Land whales are cool, making it Ice is bold, the colors are great. But those arms seem waaay too long. I swear they weren't like that in the game.

And even worse is how its mouth looks like a child with a cleft lip (don't look it up, it's exactly what you're thinking). The single cartoon baby goo-goo-ga-ga tooth doesn't help, either. I've been doing more of these quick redesigns lately, because sometimes the change is so simple and obvious it's crazy they never looked like this in the first place, so here:

No change on the arms, but somehow without that abomination of a mouth causing my direct psychic damage, I don't seem to care about them anymore. Also I changed the tooth into classic Gen 1 fangs, to go along with its iconic gen 1 horn.

Alas, the actual Cetoddle looks like somebody was owo'ing so hard they permanent disfigured their mouth. (still cute when it keeps its mouth shut, tho)

 

Overall: 5/10 

No. 972: Houndstone

 Give a dog a bone

I feel like there was an opportunity for the first Ghost/Rock Pokemon, or at least Ghost/Ground considering Houndstone digs a lot and even gets Sand Rush as an ability (but not Sandstorm, oddly enough). In fact I'm honestly shocked to find out it's neither of these, I could have sworn it was during my playthrough.

But I think Houndstone is great! Probably the initial concept of "buried in the ground with a tombstone showing" started here, and they worked backwards to link the idea of "dogs burying bones" and "spirit candles" for Greavard.

I love his bony claws, but something about that lower jaw is just a little too cartoony for my taste. Otherwise, it's a Very Good Dog.

 

Overall: 9/10 

No. 971: Greavard

 it's a doggy dog world

One of the more muppet-like Pokemon I've ever seen, but I can dig it. (get it?) Greavard hides underground, but its candle sticks up, which is fantastic. The concept is great, and the design doesn't get in the way of itself - a simple color scheme is enough.

 

Overall: 8/10