No. 363: Spheal

Texaco U.S. Olympic Ani-balls~

Like, seriously. Isn't this just one of those huggable, snuggable, squishable, squooshable little stuffed animals? They're filled with beans and shit, and are all balls with little limbs lamely stitched to the side. They make them in kangaroo, koala, and probably seal flavors

In case you can't guess, I don't have much respect for Spheal. Sure, more than Seel, who is an actual seal, but Spheal isn't much better. It's a ball. With flippers. Isn't there some direction they could've taken the concept "seal" that didn't turn into a soccer ball?

Seals are usually dark and sleek, for some thing. Couldn't they have made it look more like a submarine or a torpedo? That would be a cool theme.


Overall: 3/10

No. 362: Glalie

I seem to be doing my best to make this the worst month ever, update-wise, next to that month where I was home literally for only 1 and a half weeks.

So come on, Glalie, get me back on track!

You just have to take one look at Glalie, and you can tell he's a hardcore dude who doesn't take no shit from nobody. He doesn't even have arms, but he'll still punch you in the face. Why? Shut up.

Also, you know what's manly and badass? Hockey. A bunch of dudes using points as an excuse to slam each other into walls, get into fist fights, and hit each other in the face with sticks. It has been said, "I went to a fight and hockey game broke out!"

And Glalie here reminds me a lot of a hockey mask. Some people call him a hailstone or something, but hail isn't black, so those people can go and die. I do think he should've been Ice/Dark, though, because he's got the same kind of attitude that so many Dark-subtype badasses do (Sharpedo, Cacturne, Houndoom, etc). But eh, a pure Ice-type is fine too.

Lastly, I appreciate how balanced he is, stat-wise. I like to have some variety on my team, and Glalie being able to poke through either weak defenses with Ice Beam, or through weak sp. defenses with Ice Fang. Or Crunch, though as mentioned before, he sadly doesn't get any STAB for it.


Overall: 9/10

No. 361: Snorunt

what the hell am I looking at exactly

Like, an ice tepee? Is that it? Oh, this is one of those Japanese folklore bullshits again, isn't it.

Well, whatever. Snorunt looks like a flasher, the way he's holding his coat closed, just waiting to expose himself to some unwitting Pokemon. Or do Pokemon not even have junk, I forget. Do they reproduce sexually? Does Arceus just make eggs appear? Eh, that's a big fish to fry, and I think I might have fried it already when I talked about Ditto.

Still, Snorunt is an Ice type that isn't Water/Ice, which is a much needed addition.


Overall: 3/10

No. 360: Wynaut

When I saw Wynaut, I just turned 360 degrees and walked away.

Which means I walked back up to Wynaut, and slapped it in its little blue bitch face for being a turd.

I mean, we have established that babies = Bad News Bears. And that stupid gimmick Pokemon that think they're a lolo funneh meme = Bad News Bears 2: Electric Boogaloo. So it stands to reason that baby forms of stupid gimmick Pokemon = Bad News Bears 3: The Bearening.

But even without all that baggage, Wynaut is sickeningly horrible on its own. The emoticon face is dumb. The FLCL bulge coming out of its head looks like the only thing it could produce would be Artoo Deetoo's inbred cousin. Ears as arms is stupid. The tail with one eye looks incredibly out of place on a body that in no way resembles a punching bag. Because of this, the gimmick doesn't even make sense anymore.

When the poor bastard game designer pushed this hideous design forward, the director should not have said "Why not?" and given rise to an face-palm worthy pun name, but instead snatched the sheet from the mans hands, and torn it up in his face, slobbering and glaring as if to say, "this is why we can't have nice things."

So yeah. I think we can agree that Wynaut = Bad News Bears 4: Bears In Russia.


Overall: 1/10

No. 359: Absol

Despite sounding like something Billy Mays would try to sell you, Absol is pretty cool.

First off, gotta give credit for the subtle-yet-stylish Ying Yang design of the head. See it? That blade is the black part, and then the hair is the white half, you get it now.

Now, Absol is a Dark-type, and it is pretty much the epitome of the dark-n-edgy stylings many of these Pokemon have. It dips dangerously close to what researchers are now calling, "Emo Faggotry". It's seriously one bead or piercing away from being one of those Deviantart fursonas based off a fusion of a Kingdom Hearts character and one of the lions from Lion King, except a wolf instead. You know exactly what I mean. It wouldn't surprise me if there are 50 million drawings of Absol as different furry characters, or kissing Sephiroth, or whatever, but you know what? I don't give a damn.

It's people like that who take honestly cool things (katanas, trenchcoats, basically any aspect of The Matrix) and corrupt them into shells of their former cool-ness. And I'm sick of it. Absol has a blade for a tail and a blade coming out of its head. It looks like its ability to mess a bitch up are inversely proportional to its ability to give a shit.

So I'm taking Absol back, asswipes. Absol is one cool bitch, and just because some losers agree take it too far doesn't diminish that. Well, maybe a little.


Overall: 9/10

No. 358: Chimecho

the sound of summer, apparently

Good thing I like punching Chimeco in the face so much, then. I'm getting dem angels hella' wings.

Anyway, Chimeco is based on some sort of Japanese wind-chime-esque thing, but I don't give a piss. Doesn't look like much of a bell to me. And even if it did, what good is it? There's no sound type, though I think I advocated for one a while ago, I don't remember, I've eaten so many fruit gushers in the past hour my brain is turning into glucose.

Instead, we get another lame Psychic type. Later, it will get a prevolution, which no one asked for, but that's another story. For now, Chimeco has a visually pleasing design, but fails to actually be anything of any value.


Overall: 3/10

No. 357: Tropius

It's a frigging flying palm tree banana brontosaurus. I don't think I even have to explain how awesome this is.

But I will anyway.

Tropius is the kind of thing one might see in a dream, flitting in the distance, its form illusory. Upon closer inspection, one begins to behold the true grandeur of the beast: the leafy foliage, the curve of the neck, the somber, knowing gaze. And the fruit. Ah, the fruit, the wonderful, wonderful fruit! Truly, in heaven or earth, there can be no fruit greater than the banana. God indeed loves his sorry creation, for he gave unto it a fruit that comes pre-wrapped, fitted perfectly for the human hand, in personal-sized servings. All the nutrition one could ask for is in the banana, and many of the pleasures as well.

But slowly, yet deliberately, the Tropius raises its magnificent head skyward, as one might lift a newborn prince of an ancient dynasty. The great beast flaps its mighty wings once, twice, and is gone. Suddenly, the dream ends, and one must face the unhappiness of reality once more. One may find the pillow wet with tears, shed at the dream-sight of a thing so wondrous, so pure, it could not exist in our world.

All that lingers is the faraway tropical scent of bananas, a final reminder that we are not living in the best of all worlds. For the wonder-fauna called Tropius is only a dream. But then, are dreams only dreams, and gods, only gods? No, it is a dream, but so much more than that.

Eat a banana today, and remember. Remember that most majestic of dreams, that dream called... Tropius.


Overall: 10/10

No. 356: Duclops

I don't like the way his hands are being.

While I love Duskull, I see a lot of issues with Dusclops. First, losing the mask was a bad idea. That mask was awesome.

Secondly, is that a cape? another set of arms? wings? Those things on the side, what the hell is it? Make it gone, it serves no purpose.

Thirdly, it's an Egyptian mummy ghost, but remains pure Ghost-type. That's passable, but how badassed would it be if it was Ghost/Ground? That's right, SUPER BADASSED.

I think there's a lot of wasted potential here, which is too bad. If you told me "the new Pokemon is a cyclops mummy" I'd be totally on board, but then I'd get hella dissapoint when I saw Dusclops.

sigh


Overall: 4/10

No. 355:Duskull

Thank Goodness for Great Ghosts

Now, while Shuppet and Banette don't do anything for me, Duskull makes me want to get up and cheer. Or, get up and start chanting in an ancient, dead tongue while flames lick up all around me and I probably turn into either a cloud of bats or smoke, and maybe then it rains blood.

Duskull is awesome, is what I'm trying to say. I love everything about it. I love the mask, the single eye that has to look out both eyeholes, the way it holds its hands behind its back, every damn thing about Duskull is great.

Also, it focuses on defensive stats rather than offensive stats, which seems unusual. Most Ghost types are like Gengar, all about the speed and power, but it's good to have diversity like this.

Plus, Duskull is also kinda adorable, isn't it? Yet also creepy at the same time. It exists in that perfect Venn Diagram overlap between "creepy" and "cute".


Overall: 10/10

No. 354: Banette

Zip those lips

I love zipper mouths! They're this neat combination of cute and freaky.

But squarely on the "freaky" side is all the Pokedex entries about Banette. All of them mention how it is a plush doll that just got SO FRIGGING MAD about being abandoned that it came to life and became a Pokemon. Which, aside from being the plot of several slasher films, is also pretty impossible, because I know for a fact it comes from Shuppet.

Not some unearthly grudge against the living.

See, that's the thing about Ghost Pokemon. They ought to be regular "animals" with spooky themes and sometimes gaseous bodies, but their descriptions make them into full-on spirits and demons and such. Stop making Pokemon so serious!

said the man who reviews them in great detail every day.


Overall: 6/10

No. 353: Shuppet

llololo its a reaper cloth on top of a rotom whoohaoh conspiracy spoooooky

but yeah, Shuppet is pretty generic actually. Bulbous head, spike, wearing a sheet, yeah. I like Ghost types, but Shuppet doesn't excite me.

I'm actually trying to think of something to say, because I totally forgot about Shuppet until now. I never used one, barely saw them, yeah.

I'd actually say it's a waste of a Ghost type, especially with Duskull (another pure Ghost) in the game as it is.


Overall: 4/10

No. 352: Kecleon

karma karma karma karma karma chameleon...

another gimmick Pokemon. It copies the type of the move that hit it last.

Since you have pretty much no control over this, it isn't very useful, but it fits for a color-changing chameleon Pokemon.

Also, I love how it knows Flamethrower. People might mistake it (like Sudowudo) for being a Grass-type, since it's green and all. So they throw a little Fire at it. and what happens? Just normal-effective, and then you get a STAB Flamethrower right back in your face! ha-HA! But then you would suspect it's secretly a Fire-type, and hit it with Water or Ground, and that's it for Kecleon. Pity. When you play with fire, you have to expect to get burned.

But I like the design, which strikes me as a little Mezzo-American, and that zig-zaggy line compliments the green nicely. So I'm a little sad to see such a cool little design on a shitty Pokemon, but I guess that's just how some things are.


Overall: 7/10