Mega Evolution no. 44: Lopunny

goddamit Gamefreak you know exactly what you're doing, don't you

Of course Gardevoir and Lopunny were gonna get mega evos. I should have guessed.

But while Gardevoir was pretty alright, Lopunny is just a trainwreck of a Pokemon, from head to toe, not a single thing goes right here. What jumps out at me first, is the bizarre intersection of arms and neck at the top of its torso, looking like the kind of anatomy 2nd graders draw. That head is going to snap that neck, and the stick-thin arms look ridiculous compared to the generous thighs.

Oh, and let's talk about those thighs - Lopunny appears to be wearing stockings with "sexy" rips in them! Wonderful! Also it stuck its arms in a pair of giant packing peanuts, but that's another issue.

Wait no, let's also talk about the giant-ass butterfly just on the front of its head like it's trying to teach Kate Winslet how to fly. Or maybe we could talk about how stupid it is that its ears have multiple scrunchies on them, further contributing the image of a sepia-tone 80's jazzercise bunny.


Overall: 1/10

Mega Evolution no. 43: Rayquaza

going to ride a bicycle made of nightmares straight up your ass

Rayquaza is one of my favorite legendaries, he's badass as hell. Mega Rayquaza coul have been even cooler, but he screws the pooch in a major way - those tendrils.

They look out of place and completely ruin the silhouette. And they aren't even nice thin curves, one of 'em has hoops in it, and is otherwise smooth, while the top ones are crackly and jaggedy! Show some consistency! And get rid of the crap on the end of your tail, too.

Because with that gone, it's just a Rayquaza with Dragonballs embedded in his side, and a mean-ass mandible piece for cutting down entire forests or something. And then the Seven-Pronged-Sword marking on his eye is badass as well.

A pity I can barely make out all that, thanks to the neon tentacles flapping around all over the place like a 15-year-old at a Nightcore rave.


Overall: 6/10

Mega Evolution no. 42: Latias/Latios

they look so goddamn like the same person, I would say to them "you want ice cream cone", they would both say yes

Yeah, I can't tell these wonky funks apart, so I'm doing them both at the same time. Red and Blue both go to Purple, makes sense to me.

Anyway, this is another Mega form for a Legendary, which I just disagree with on principle. Legendaries are already overpowered, do they need to get more overpowered-er? Gamefreak thinks so.

The design has some good points, the arms becoming full pods and all. But I think they still ought to have proper wings on their backs, instead of trailing under-side wing-legs danglers. And is it just me, or is the color combination, combined with the way they look like they're wearing diapers, remind you of Mewtwo?


Overall: 3/10

Mega Evolution no. 41: Metagross

I don't know why I expected anything else from Mega Metagross

Beldum was a single arm. Metang is two of those arms on a body. Metagross is two Metangs stuck together. So, logically, Mega Metagross is two Metagross stuck together, length-wise.

That's right - it's hard to tell from this picture, but he has FOUR MORE ARMS on the back end there. They aren't quite as large, but still. It's ridiculous, but again - could it have been anything else? It's this kind of insane yet consistent logic that I can't help but love. I wish Magnezone has used it, and been a cluster of Magnemite all together, instead of just one dumb flying saucer mofo.

Oh, and Mega Metagross also gets some gold plating on his X and a chin-spike, so he can swag all over everything. As well as ram you like a Trireme. As if he didn't already have enough ways to destroy faces.

I like the idea here, but I'm taking off a point because I'm not sure it's executed quite as well as it could have been. Why not an 8-legged spider monster?


Overall: 9/10

Mega Evolution no. 40: Salamence

they said I could become anything I wanted. So I became a frisbee.

What the greater hell is happening here, exactly. Salamence has always been kinda doofy, but he just kicked it up a notch. His wings are now just a big-ol crescent shape, which by all accounts shouldn't be able to move, which means he has to glide everywhere.

Which is kind of a step down, isn't it? his lil' backpack harness straps there aren't helping this illusion, he looks like he just strapped in for some ziplining. Oh, and I thought he cut off his arms at first, but it turns out he just tucked them in like his hands were cold and he's sticking them under his shirt into his armpits, like we've all done.

But in any case, Mega Salamence looks stupid. Going from a dragon with the power of free flight, to some sort of armless lizard strapped to a moon disc, is not my idea of an upgrade.


Overall: 1/10

Mega Evolution no. 39: Glalie

I don't know how they managed to make Glalie even more terrifying, but they did

Because the only thing more terrifying than a pissed-off ball of ice wearing Jason Voorhees' mask is a pissed-off ball of ice wearing Jason Voorhees' mask with a neckbeard.

Except he's still not Dark/Ice, what the heck. Dude is unhinging his jaw in order to swallow a small child whole, and has dirty slush all up in his ice bits, how is he not deserving of a Dark subtype? Actually, scratch that - this nightmare is 7 feel in diameter, which means he could eat a goddamn normal adult without much problem. Jesus Christers.

Look, Glalie is cool, but Mega Glalie is just something else. I don't care for the neckbeard, and black/cyan is an ugly color combination. He just scares me, and I want him to go away.


Overall: 2spooky/10

Mega Evolution no. 38: Altaria

We've reached Maximum Fluff.

I think Elesa should run with Mega Altaria, even though it's not an Electric type - they both have the same taste in huge, fluffy, Doflamingo-esque jackets.

Really though, there's not much difference here - a fluffy cloud hat, fluffy cloud arms, and a longer tail. It's definitely not enough to be called an evolution, which is why it's just a Mega I guess. Gaining a Fairy type is fun, but now it's not Flying any longer. The bird living in clouds isn't Flying. Shouldn't it have lost the Dragon typing, instead? It never looked like a dragon to begin with.

Yeah, not really feeling this one. It's cute, but lazy.


Overall: 4/10

Mega Evolution no. 37: Camerupt

I swear I thought this was one of those slug Pokemon at first

Yeah, I'm not really feeling that fringe, dude. Makes you look like the Scrubbing Bubbles mascot. People will be wanting you to come over and walk around their house, just to clean it up.

Anyway, Mega Camerupt at least gets the basic concept right - if your previous form was a volcano, then the next step up is obviously an erupting volcano. And in a clever twist, turns the random blue circles into rings of lava.

It also has an M on its forehead, which of course stands for Marlon Brando, well known to be Camerupt's favorite actor.

Really, I just don't like the sillhouette it casts, that fringe screws it all up. I get that they wanted it to look like a full mountain, but that's not a good look.


Overall: 5/10

Mega Evolution no. 36: Sharpedo

Sharpedo lookin' like Kurita after he came back from training for the game with Hakuryuu. Alternatively, he looks like Baki after training in the mountains.

Because goddamn did he get jacked up. Like he just lost a fight with a weed whacker. Or maybe he won the fight, because he is looking pretty badass. spikes like a saw-tooth shark on his nose? Hell yeah. Mouth so freaking intensely hungry for flesh he seems to be ripping open at the edges? Hell yeah.

But I really don't like the massive scarring. I know Sharpedo already had a scar, but this time it feels overboard. Especially because it's so regular, it reads more as just busy coloring instead of cool battle wounds.

I've always thought Sharpedo needed a final evolution to become a truly monstrous king of the sea, and Mega Sharpedo is doing a decent job of that.


Overall: 7/10

Mega Evolution no. 35: Sableye

This guy really needed one.

Sableye has kinda shitty stats. Make that really shitty, actually. And Mega Sableye helps him out, by just using Speed as the dump stat, to free up more points for defense. And with zero weaknesses due to typing, that ain't bad at all.

But the thing I'm not sure I like, is that this Mega is just... holding a big gem as a shield. That's all it is. It's not even like a special trait of Sableye, like gem armor or anything, it's just using an item now. Kinda bothers me when Pokemon have items that they use as a part of themselves, and it's actually important. Farfetch'd, I can accept that they just like to carry leeks, you can find those everywhere. Seems like every damn day I'm tripping over some rank-ass leek. Cubone - mother bones have magic juju, it checks out. But shit like this? Or Klefki? I dunno, man.


Overall: 5/10

Mega Evolution no. 34: Swampert

#swole

Someone's been working out. Swampert was a little goofy-looking before, but since Ruby/Sapphire he hit the gym in a big way. Or maybe it's illegal steroid-style pokeblocks. I mean look at him, each of his arms is the size of Hulk Hogan.

In any case, Mega Swampert is ripped as hell and ready to rumble. Same classic colors, he's just pumped up even more, like when Master Roshi first used the Kamehameha. I like it, simple but gets the job done. It doesn't attempt to reinvent the Pokemon, but looks unmistakeably "improved" at the same time.

Just don't reach too high, Mega Swampert, or they'll slap you down just like they did Lance Armstrong. Juice it and loose it, baby.


Overall: 9/10

Monster no. 435: Summoned Skull

Dark Magician, eat your heart out

So up this time is the venerable Summoned Skull, who really has a dumb name when you think about it. Of course he's summoned, so is every other damn monster. And his "skull" really is just a small part of an overall demonic apperance, and doesn't even look that much like a traditional skull.

Skull Demon, Bone Devil, Dark Shit-kicker, these are all better names.

Anyway, the dude is cool beans, I love how it looks like his muscle mass just expanded so much his bones couldn't take it and are now just stuck to the edges. He looks evil as hell, and 2500 atk for just one tribute can't really be beat as of this writing.


Total: *****