No. 484: Palkia

If you decide which game to buy based on mascot Legendarys, then boy, 4th gen must've been tough for you. Because there is no winner.


Palkia is based off a pearl, which is a much lamer stone than a diamond. And it's pink. On the other hand, it has a much more dragon-like frame, which could be neat. But on the other other hand, it still looks like a guy in a suit, ready to fight Ultraman or something. And also its backsprite looks like, for want of a better word, a penis.



Besides all that, it's bizarrely a Water/Dragon type. Why water? What does ANYTHING about Palkia have to do with Water? You know what would have been a good typing? Cosmic, bitches. Dragon/Cosmis, right there. Boom. Make it happen.

Another thought - it controls "space", right? What does that mean? It controls the physical dimensions, as in it can alter something's height, length, width? Or does it mean it can warp shit around. Because if it's supposedly eternal rivals with Dialga (why? because Time and Space are obviously rivals instead of being two equally necessary mechanics of nature), it'll need more oomph than just teleporting, to beat time shenanigans.


Overall: 4/10

No. 483: Dialga

I'm sorry, Dialga, and I'mma let you finish, but DIO had the best time-manipulation powers of all time, baby. Of all time.


Especially considering you look like something from one of the recent Godzilla movies. I can almost smell the latex, and the sweat of the two poor men tasked with making your legs move in some sort of believable fashion.

I guess if they were going for "unearthly, nearly-synthetic, sci-fi, techno beast", they got it. But it doesn't look much like a Pokemon anymore. Too many flanges, and it also raises some rather unsettling issues.

For instance, Dialga supposedly governs Time. Or at least has full control over it. (never mind that temporal shenagins was supposed to be Celebi's arena) Now, I'm guessing there's only ONE Dialga? Because I always thought Legendarys were solo affairs, but apparently according to the anime there are multiple Articunos, for example. But I think there's only one Dialga, one primordial entity.

And then you can just kinda catch this entity? How do you catch a thing that can rewind time? And once you do, doesn't that upset things? Or how intelligent is Dialga? Maybe it's a wild beast, that has more power than it should, and is a force of danger and chaos that needs to be reigned in. In any case, these are issues much more complex than ought to be in Pokemon, methinks. I think the themes ought to be limited to "poaching is bad", "be nice to your pets", and "try your best".

So yeah, Dialga - you belong as a late-game boss in a more serious JRPG, not Pokemon.


Overall: 4/10

No. 482: Azelf

uuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhggggggggg


At this point, I think I'm beyond caring. All I want to say is that I actually like Azelf's head, because it reminds me of Princess Ruto, from Ocarina of Time. And if this was no legendary, just some Water/Psychic type or something, I would give it a pretty good score. It looks like the beginnings of some squid-fairy thing. So that potential raises it up past its brethren, but that's like picking the very prettiest lungfish.

Also I'm still mad at Uxie. That is the worst name. It sounds like a fairy throwing up.


Overall: 2/10

No. 481: Mespirit

holy shit what is this asswipe


look at this smug bitch, thinking she's fine and all. No, Azelf, you're not fine. You're stupid and horrible. My opinion on you is exactly the same as it was on Uxie (possibly because you are the same damn thing) IRREDEEMABLE GUTTER TRASH.

See, for a Trio to work, there needs to be two things: something connecting the trio together, and something that differentiates them from each other. These wet farts have the "something in common" part in spades, but they fail completely in being different, or even important. I shouldn't have to say it all again, goddammit.

I just think it's almost insulting how similar they all are. I know their stats are different, but screw me in the belly button and call me Betsy, that doesn't matter a bit when the typing is exactly the same, and 80% of the body looks the same.

Also for some reason this Pokemon governs over emotions, or willpower, or something else like that, but as you can probably tell by now, I don't fucking care.


Overall: 1/10

No. 480: Uxie

We're entering the homestretch, guys.


But before we're done, we have to get through the legendarys, which for the most part suck majorly in the 4th gen. For example, take this pukester: Uxie looks like a Mew with fetal alcohol syndrome. And if that sounds unreasonably harsh, it's because I mean it.

Uxie and its compatriots are just pure wastes of space. Because you know what we really need? More tinycute Psychic-type legendaries! And hey, everyone loves trios, right? So let's make three! All the same typing! And nearly the same design! And maybe after that we'll be dragged out into the street and shot! Because our ideas are goddamn terrible!

I hope you like reading angry writing, because that's all you're gonna be getting from me on the topic of these guys.


Overall: 1/10

No. 479: Rotom

Does this one count as a legendary? I dunno.


Ghost/Electric is a neat typing, and I like how you find it - hiding in a possessed TV. Rotom by itself looks cute, and shows a lot of promise. Then he startles you by turning into household appliances and shit. 

Normal Form: 7/10

Washing machines are not scary or cool, and why is his aura turning into a protractor or something? is that a claw? Gooey webbings stuck to his tube? dumb.

Wash: 2/10


Unlike William "The Refrigetator" Perry, this form doesn't look like he would be of much use on the gridiron. He reminds me of that one Ice/Spark combo in Kirby 64, tho, where you turned into a fridge and spit food out. That power kicked ass. This guy doesn't.

Frost: 3/10

Is a lawnmower even actually a household appliance? In any case, I kind of love the maniacal grin, and the sheer audacity of it. "yeah, it's a killer lawnmower. why? screw you, that's why".

Mow: 8/10

In Korea, there's a superstition that leaving a fan on overnight can kill you. But I don't see how you could be afraid of this lil fella, he's adorable. and I like how his aura is all swirly, like wisps of wind.

Fan: 6/10


I sincerely hope that this form shoots fire from its grill, and punches with its hands. That would be great. I don't know what it would do otherwise, but if it does anything else I'll scream.

Heat: 7/10


I'll average and round up, because it's a unique concept. Rotom would be a shitty legendary, but I don't think it classifies itself that way, it's just a strange kinda-neat gimmick Pokemon you get in the post-game.

Overall: 6/10

No. 478: Froslass

dat froslass


I spooked myself when I first realized Froslassis just an orb with dangling appendages, rather than a tiny woman in a kimono as she appears. I guess that's where the Ghost-type comes from, unless it comes from another bullshit nonsensical Japanese folklore story, in which case I don't care so hard I'm practically shitting rocks.

So, yeah. Snorunt never made any damn sense, but at least Glalie was a pissed-off ball of ice, which I can relate to. So I'm not really surprised when there's a split evolution, for it to turn into some sort of Yuki-onna looking freak. It doesn't look a bit like Snorunt, nor Glalie, but that's par for the course in this messed-up evolutionary line. And I admit the color choices look nice, but it wouldn't have been too hard to make it white and black, like Glalie, would it?

eh, Froslass is alright. It's certainly an ambitiously unique typing, and like I said, the way the head is actually the core is pretty clever. I just don't know why it had to be attached to Snorunt, but then again I've long ago given up on understanding anything about that guy.


Overall: 6/10

No. 477: Dusknoir

This time it's personal.


I loved Duskull, and then Dusclops came along and was kind of a disappointment, and now Dusknoir is like a character assassination on the whole thing.

The most glaring flaw is the lack of any actual skull anywhere on the thing. Sure, it's got some sort of face on its stomach, but that looks like a charlie brown stripe and glowing nipples. The cool thing about the Dusk___ line was how the skull stays the same, but the ghost fills out behind it. Now Dusknoir is wearing some sort of stupid little hat that belongs in Rice Boy or something (nothing against the webcomic, you should all go read it).

Then there's the color scheme. Dark gray, grey, and yellow. Oh, and a brown knob on top because why-the-hell-not. And don't forget the bands on the arms, because holy-shit-how-do-I-into-character-design-hurp-hurp-derp. My amnesia might be acting up again, but weren't Duskull and Dusclops just brown, white, and a red eye? Did they have yellow bands all over the goddamn place? Did they have a ridiculous collar? I don't frigging think so.

How hard is it, Gamefreak, to stick to a theme? Why do you hate all your previous designs enough that you want to radically change them? If you want to make a sassy fat genie Pokemon, then make one. Don't force it into an established line. And it's really sad, because I think a final form for Duskull would be badass, something imposing and sepulchral. Instead we got Robin Williams in a fat suit playing the fat guy in A Merchant of Venice. And don't nobody tell me there isn't such a character, I'll kick your teeth in.


Overall: 1/10

No. 476: Probopass

this year's winner of Least Anticipated Evolution: It's Probopass!

I feel like I ought to be offended my this, somehow. I'm sure Probopass is offensive to someone, I'm just not sure who. Maybe it's an ethnicity that hasn't been invented yet, but when they appear, they'll definitely be pissed about this.

Anyway, I just realized that Probopass has tiny Nosepasses hanging on it. I think they're supposed to be the other cardinal directions, and the giant red nose points North, but it's kind of blowing my mind. I totally thought they were arms and a tail and such until I saw the picture big right now. In fact, between this revelation and the possible racism, I don't think I can't think about Probopass one second more. I'm going to end this short and sweet:

Probopass is a bigger, uglier Nosepass, who was already only mediocre.


Overall: 4/10

No. 475: Gallade

Shoutouts to all the male Gardevoir from Hoenn who grew up in a region that wasn't so heteronormative.


I support making a male and female evolutionary split, but I think Gallade is a bad example. To start off with, he's got one giant arm and one normal one. That's some Digimon-level asymmetry right there. You're not even a fiddler crab, Gallade. Why is one arm so damn big.

The next thing I notice is his hips, which make him look like he's trying to pass a kidney stone the side of a football. Or maybe he just has donut hips, like the titular character in the Amazing World of Gumball. In either case, it's lame and dumb.

Finally, his head crest. Seems cool in theory, but why's it blue? And a shade of blue so similar to the green? Should've been red, like the crests in Kirlia's hair. And then the chest spike would've been optional. Someone sent me a picture of Gallade with normal person hips, both elbows spiked, and something different with his crest that I don't quite recall, and it looks much improved. Almost badass, I'd say. The pants look kinda like those pants samurai wear, something could be made of those.

But in the state he's in now, Gallade is an awkward abomination, the kind of Pokemon that tries to look cool but trips over his own mutant elbow because of his deformed hips.


Overall: 2/10