No. 982: Dudunsparce (for real)

Maybe Pokemon was a mistake.

I decided Dunsparce was my least-favorite Pokemon a long time ago, and since then Gamefreak has tested my patience every generation by introducing some new freak to despise. They finally won in Generation 8, with Calyrex, who dislodged Dunsparce from his throne of failure and assumed the role as my official Least-Favorite Pokemon of All Time.

But don't for a second make the mistake of thinking I've forgiven Dunsparce.

No, I still hate that blind cave bastard, and when I look at this misbegotten evolution I admit to taking a sick pleasure from all the idiots who thought this was a Feebas situation, that the ugly duckling would evolve into a beautiful swan. Bitch, you're not even a duckling. 

Dunsparce does not deserve happiness, it does not deserve to be "saved" with a cool evolution. What it deserves is to be forgotten, but if we must revisit the dunce, I think this is the best possible outcome. Double down on its ridiculous stupidity. Dunsparce cannot be redeemed or improved, it can simply be increased. Now there's twice as much Dunsparce. Does this make anyone happy? I doubt it.

 

Overall: 1/10

 

P.S. it has come to my attention that there exists a three-segment version of Dudunsparce. I think this is highly perverse, and will not be acknowledging it.
 
 

No. 981: Farigiraf

 This is what we could be getting, instead of Mega Evolutions.

The original concept of Girafarig was that it was sort of a Pushmi-pullyu, a beast that's the same coming and going. That changed from the beta to a giraffe with a weird chain chomp tail, which is less biologically disconcerting. As it evolves into Farigiraf, that tail wraps around its back and swallows the main head, which is biologically terrifying.

I feel like we've lost the original "mirrored" intent, but I don't really care because Farigiraf is actually pretty neat! The secondary head looks like a hoodie, which is cute. I don't really like the transition from dark brown to black, though - those colors are too similar to put adjacent, just pick one. And if you must change, do it at the base of the head, not halfway through the head. But the overall shape of the whole Pokemon is really solid.

 

Overall: 7/10 

No. 967: Cyclizar

 funny number

Cyclizar's design is fine, great even. Solid proportions, looks like a friendly monster, little splash of orange, I dig it.

No, the problem here is that the damned thing has wheels but doesn't use them. It looks like a bike for no reason, it isn't a bike, but people ride it like a bike, but it's not a bike, it just runs on four legs. Koraidon also does this, but Cyclizar is here now so he must bear the brunt of my wrath.

This is a Pokemon. You just had a car with an engine and wheels. Why can't Cyclizar literally have tires that spin? I agree that it's clever to hide the wheel in the dewlap, but you could also just make it function as a proper wheel. Gigan has a sawblade in his tummy, Tails spins his tails like helicopter blades, I can handle a little anatomical impossibility in my made-up monsters. And if you're not willing to give him real tires, then just abandon the wheel motif altogether. I can also accept people just riding lizards like they're horses.

also, it's a little sad that this thing only exists as a diminished version of your ride legendary, an awkward evolutionary middle point between the epic past and glorious future.

 

Overall: 7/10 

No. 945: Grafaiai

mf thinks hes banksy

it's actually cool when Pokemon completely change species when they evolve, as long as they're connected in some superficial way. Wingull evolving into Pelliper? Yeah sure, I'd believe that seagulls are just baby pelicans, whatever. Shroodle evolving into Grafaiai? Now that's a stretch, I've never once thought about shrews and aye-ayes even inhabiting the same continents before.

What's more, Grafaiai looks like Darby Allin's fursona, but with huge gross drippy middle fingers. I know that's the aye-aye's calling card, but it looks even freakier here than it does in real life. I don't want to know where he sticks that finger to get it all goopy.

If I can be remotely positive, I think there's something going on with the hindquarters that I like, something about the shape of the legs, and use of stripes. And removing the pupils from the eyes was a good move. But I just can't get over the hoodie, and those disgusting fingers. If Grafaiai flipped me the bird I'd probably throw up.


Overall: 2/10

No. 944: Shroodle

oodles of shroodles

Now what am I looking at here, exactly

Shroodle looks like the head of some larger character, but they cut off the body and just stuck a few tiny feets to the bottom of it. And even if I accept this creature whose eyes are so preposterously large they could not each be contained within the same small body, what's going on with the nose situation? I guess those are buckteeth, dipped in purple venom, but they look like boogers hanging on the end of the nose.

And it's Poison/Normal at the end of all that hideousness? Get away from me with your tiny tuft of hair.


Overall: 2/10

No. 931: Squawkabilly

 these guys only give you 1 gold coin when you spray them

It's been a while since I've gotten to complain about another useless Normal/Flying type. Corviknight was Flying/Steel, Toucannon was actually cool, and Talonflame was Fire/Flying. After years of generic flying feathery assholes, Gamefreak finally figured out the secret to making good birds was to make them NOT just a basic bitch Normal/Flying bird.

So it fills me with a mixture of nostalgia and ire to report that Squawkabilly sucks. I like a pompadour, but its become depreciated in recent years. And I don't care about the multi-color gimmick, because Squawkabilly isn't even good enough to want to collect 1, much less the whole set.

The design isn't offensive, and in fact I appreciate how it hones closer to classic design sensibilities with the complex feather arrangements and detailed feet, but it's still just so boring.

Overall: 4/10

No. 930: Arboliva

 I'm Arboliva, I couldn't leave her, if I tried~

Arboliva is one of those Pokemon that was clearly designed with a certain pose in mind, and it's very strange that its key artwork is NOT in that pose.

See, it's an olive wreath. So it holds its arms in a wreath position. There's some visual similarity to the laurel wreath, too, but I don't know if laurels and olives are botanically related or what. Speaking of botany, its olives look like grapes, but I'm not about to get into that again.

I think Arboliva has a neat design that manages to keep a feminine silhouette without making it weird, and represents a type of flora we haven't seen before. In a way it's reminiscent of what Klefki and Comfey were going for, but done in a more naturalistic way. I guess the key art helps with that, reinforcing the idea that its arms aren't locked into this one pose. Maybe that was the intent?

Overall: 7/10

No. 929: Dolliv

 be a doll and get the door, won't you?

Dolliv doesn't just have a forehead, she's got a five-head. Makes me want to slap her head, or play tic-tac-toe on there. But I shouldn't bully the poor thing, she's at least better than Smoliv. She's kinda cute, and looks very polite.

On the other hand, I was so incensed yesterday I completely glossed over the Grass/Normal typing, so let's think about that. What makes this Pokemon any more "normal" than any other Grass-type? Are olives the most normie vegetable? Are olives even a vegetable, or are they a fruit, like tomatoes? Maybe they're related to grapes? Has anybody ever tried putting grapes on a pizza? I could look up the answers to these questions, but I'd rather relish in the mystery.

Overall: 5/10

No. 928: Smoliv

smol uwu bean

With all due respect, fuck Smoliv. Go back to your garden and bring me some breadsticks. When I'm driving my 500-pound legendary motorcycle from another timeline around Paldea at 100 mph, hauling ass with my hair in the wind, the last thing I want is to slam to a complete halt because some tiny little baby wants to battle. I should be able to crush Smoliv under my wheels. I should be legally allowed to crush Smoliv under my wheels.

Design-wise, yes, it's a little olive with a face. Not much more to say. What, are you gonna cry? Go ahead, then. Cry.

Overall: 1/10

No. 925: Maushold

four of them

In classic Gen 1 fashion, a Pokemon has evolved simply by gathering "more" of itself. And as with Magnemite and Dugtrio, this raises so many questions.

What happens if you catch a single Tandemaus but not its partner? What if you separate a member of the Maushold and raise it independently? Do the small ones grow into Tandemice and pair up, or do they move out to mingle with other Mausholds for better genetic diversity? They're treated as Genderless, so thankfully we don't have to answer some of the weirder breeding questions, but.

They still creep me out.

Overall: 5/10

No. 924: Tandemaus

two of them 

Sanrio's latest mascot characters are adorable. Well, to be accurate, they're inspired by the Sylvanian Family toys, but the point is these lil' fellas are cute.

But at the same time... oddly creepy. They have that dead-eyed doll stare. I would hate to own one of these and wake up in the middle of the night to find them standing on my dresser, looking at me.

Also, the two-tone coloring is too subtle. I honestly didn't even know they had coloration until seeing their artwork, in-game it just comes across as solid white due to how small the models are most of the time.

Overall: 4/10

No. 916: Oinkologne

Colognac - drink it. or wear it. we really don't give a care.

Pigs are often associated with filth and ugliness, so it's a neat change of pace to see one that's explicitly "pretty". Some Pig, indeed! Oinkologne's ears resemble bishounen bangs, and he flips them with panache. This suave porker looks like the handsome leader of the Student Council who has his own fan club.  

The female of the species operates similarly, and while they say you can't put lipstick on a pig I think maybe we just haven't found a pretty enough pig. Until now. Oinkologne could absolutely rock some lipstick, she's already got the eyeshadow on point, and anything else she wants. Not since Miss Piggy has there been a more glamorous swine.

Overall: 8/10

No. 915: Lechonk

 no match for Guybrush Threepwood, mighty pirate!

Every route, we get a boring ass Normal type rodent in the early routes. Nobody likes them, nobody uses them, and yet they persist. Of course, last time it was a sheep - not a rodent, not even by the loosest approximation. Neither is a pig, and perhaps it's no coincidence that both Wooloo and Lechonk have been better than the usual fare.

I mean, it's still nothing great, let's be honest. I used to throw these suckers into the ocean in Wind Waker by the bushel. But at least it's not another groundhog-adjacent vermin. 

Overall: 4/10

Hisuian Zoroark

so they're just running with the body horror, huh

it's gross as hell to see Hisuian Zoroark's raw muscles bulging out of its lacerated flesh, I can't lie. Who asked you to go that far, Gamefreak? Jesus Christ.

but the mass of writhing hair is cool as hell, and totally justifies being bloody instead of ghostly - this isn't a spirit, this is a goddamn zombie corpse.

however, once again the shiny variant may prove superior - using purple instead of red removes most of the horror and just leaves a badass ghost fox demon. Which I think I'd prefer to have in my party, but I can't deny that Hisuian Zoroark absolutely nails the unsettling vibe it's going for.

Overall: 9/10

Hisuian Zorua

Remember how this one was announced via some found-footage style video?

The new typing dramatically boosts the effectiveness of Zorua's gimmick ability - even if it pretends to be something else, as a Dark type, it still had 3 weaknesses. But as a Normal/Ghost, it's got just 1 weakness, and 3 complete immunities.

Now, what's unusual here is the choice of red and white to represent "ghostly spirit energy". Usually, it's blue and white. The resulting pink tendrils make me think of something organic, rather than ephemeral. The shiny is blue, and I think that fits much better.

Overall: 5/10

No. 901: Ursaluna

IT'S OVER 900!!!!!!!!! 

Whereas Wyrdeer opens the game up in a big way, Ursaluna just feels redundant. it's an Item Finder on legs, offering no additional mobility. So it won't win any goodwill that way.

And as for the design... I mean, it's a bear with poop on its face. What do you really expect me to say, here? Dude has a turd draped across his nose, I can't see it as anything else. I know I'm supposed to see it as "clouds in front of the moon", but even if that were the case, how freaking coincidental that every single Ursaluna gets the same bits of mud stuck on its forehead at exactly that location. Or if they're eyebrows, then it's doing an eternal Dreamworks smirk.

No, there's not really any good options here. Sorry, dookie-bear. Please don't get near me, I just washed the stink off.

Overall: 1/10

No. 899: Wyrdeer

Yeah, I've been saying for a while that they should make Stantler an Ice-type, we don't have any reindeer Pokemon and -

oh. it's Normal/Psychich, not Ice at all? I guess that's more of a "wise old sage" beard than a "Santa Claus" beard. Well, that's disappointing.

Although, I may have to give points for being a reliable steed during most of Arceus: Legends. The way it handles like an ATV helps to open up the game in a big way, jumping up hills and out-running hostile Pokemon. That's important, because an open-world game like this lives or dies on "is it fun to traverse the environment".

On the other hand, I don't like its jowls. And the horns have gotten too abstracted from the "false eyes" gimmick, now they're like antennae for broadcasting psychic attacks? Actually hold up, that sounds sick. Maybe Wyrdeer might be cool, actually??? But it still feels like a waste when Girafarig already exists in Gen 2 as the Normal/Psychic ungulate. 

Overall: 4/10

Gigantamax no. 10: Snorlax

Nine roads a-blocking

Like that island on the back of a turtle that Sinbad famously docked at, I imagine people get tricked by Gigantamax Snorlax all the time. They see a nice hill, with delicious berries growing from a tree, and climb it. Only too late do they realize they've just ascended the belly of a slumbering beast, who soon awakens to devour them all.

actually, where's my Gigantamax Torterra? That's the O.G. "walking garden". Now I'm slightly mad.

Overall: 700/1000

Gigantamax no. 9: Eevee

Ten foxes evolving

It's still a little weird to me that we all decided that Eevee was an icon and mascot for the series on par with Pikachu. I know it's popular (or rather, its evolutions are popular) and Gary used one in the anime, but really? Kinda feels like fabricated hype. On the other hand, Pikachu is literally just a random early-game Pokemon that got lucky, whereas Eevee feels "important" due to being unique in-game and its myriad evolutions can be seen as symbolic of the potential to train whatever Pokemon you want.

I'm talking about all this because there's basically nothing to say about Gigantamax Eevee. It's a big fluffy Eevee. The clouds are circling its ear, instead of acting as a halo? I'm sorry, I know I swore to stop talking about those clouds.

Overall: 600/1000

Gigantimax no. 4: Meowth

Longcat is looooooooooooooooooooong

Here's another silly one, and again, I can't bring myself to muster up the usual level of disdain I reserve for Gamefreak's sense of humor. Maybe it's because those mid-2000s years on the internet were formative for me, and I'll always appreciate Nobiko (RIP) and her contributions to internet culture. But I like this one, too.

The way Meowth is SO tall it pierces through the clouds is great, too. I'll stop harping about those clouds now, because it's a continual design flaw in all of them, but what can you do. At least Gigantamax Meowth can use them to deodorize his armpits or something.

Overall: 800/1000