Raihan of Hammerlocke

the Kevin Durant of the Pokemon world

Raihan shows Piers how you rock a lanky frame, looking like a badass and staying on-brand. Check the coordination between shoes and hoodie, with the dragon-whisker laces. I wish we got to see more of him in the main game, because he's got a great design and his rivalry with Leon could be interesting.

Sadly, he ends up with one of the most pathetic gyms I've ever seen - you just step into his office, answer a few trivia questions, and battle a few trainers right there. It's a damn shame.

Sickass logo, though. and Raihan's hoodie looks mad comfy, I want to pull those drawstrings and make the "jaws" close up around his head.

Overall: 8/10

Piers of Spikemuth

God, wasn't it embarrassing when Piers starts to sing in his concert, but because there's no voice acting he's just shouting silently?

Honestly that little detail alone irreparably harmed Piers in my eyes. I know he's supposed to be this punk rocker, but I can't shake the image of him shaking his fist and lip-syncing into the microphone. So I'll try to give him a better examination here.

My man has the hair of an Octoling from Splatoon and the body of Midosuji from Yowamushi Pedal. That's a cool jacket and shoes, but those knobby knees aren't a good look. Piers is a victim of the need to wear something sports-related, so he ends up looking like one of those anemic marathon cyclists, but with a bunch of spiky accessories.

I think he's almost cool, but the hair is too alien and those knees are so distracting I don't even feel like giving him points for being involved with the storyline. Although it's admirable how he competes without using Dynamax, because it's a bullshit mechanic. 

His logo is just Team Yell, because they're actually just trainers from Spikemuth, but that's something we'll get into when we review the "Evil Team" themselves. For now, suffice to say that Piers falls a distant second to his sister.

Overall: 4/10

Melony of Chircester

forget Pikmin 4 I need HER 

Gamefreak gotta lot of nerve, making a stone-cold milf in the game and naming her Melony. Like how can I not make the obvious joke? But I'll resist, this is a Family blog, after all. (side note: anyone reading this with their family - there are probably better ways to spend your time together.)

I'm not sure if Frosmoth was designed first, or Melony, but they're perfect for each other. Big round soft maternal energy. She seems to have hooves instead of feet, but I can get over that. Just a really nice design, and check out the hidden triforce in her logo:

Whereas Bea and Allister are unconnected, aside from Ghost and Fighting being sorta opposites, Melony and Gordie have a cool little storyline, where she wanted him to become an Ice trainer and take over the gym, but he wanted to rock out as a Rock trainer. And depending on if you play Sword or Shield, I guess you see a different side of that argument.

Overall: 10/10

Gordie of Circhester

big dick is back in town, baby

Gordie's got a case of flat-foot like we saw with Milo, but aside from that the dude is a major boss. He does a backflip for no reason when he sends out his Pokemon! and despite being hugely popular, he's not an asshole about it. He's just honestly that cool.

I do want to question his wardrobe, though - that two-tone jacket is like something the In-Betweener would wear, and I'm not sure if dying his naturally bleach-blonde hair a shade of banana yellow was the best call. But I guess when you've got all the natural swag and charisma of Jack Black, you can pull anything off.

I think it's neat that Gordie is a chubby guy who's portrayed as legitimately cool in the game, instead of a joke. and I do think he's cool, he just needs better taste in outfits.

Overall: 7/10

Opal of Ballonlea

Triplets of Bellville (or would that be Solo of Bellville?)

You know how I ragged on Allister for the confusing theme? Opal has no such problems, because she's just a bad bitch. Sure, she's wearing the glove, but there's no attempt to be "sporty" here. Just old lady cotton candy drip.

Opal is seriously amazing, she's reached the age where she no longer gives a shit and just does whatever she wants. Yubaba vibes.

And the way she forcibly adopts Bede to snap him out of his emo phase... it's too good. She's just the best, and that gigantic poof around her neck gives her a unique top-heavy silhouette.

Overall: 10/10

Allister of Stow-on-Side

Shy Guy

Allister is the first one for whom the sports theme falls apart. He's a weirdo masked kid with baggy sleeves, who needs suspenders to hold up his shorts. Maybe they'd stay up on their own if he didn't weigh them down with those chunky Pokeball-holders, but. My man has clearly never been involved in athletic activity in his life. He has the body of a heavy reader, not a heavy lifter.

And usually I'm all about people with cool masks, but Allister isn't cool enough to deserve that respect. He's a shy nerd, nothing more. Get outta here with your frilly shoes.

And we're not even going to talk about the Black Sperm logo he's trying to use.

Overall: 3/10

Bea of Stow-on-Side

stanced up like a Dangan Ronpa character

Galarian Youmu is pretty cool. I'm a fan of the vaccum-sealed midriff, and being martial-arts themed means she plays the sporty aesthetic off well. It's a shame she doesn't end up having much personality or role in the story, though.

But still, how can you hate a karate girl who can hold her own against freaking Machamps?

Overall: 7/10

Kabu of Motostoke

The Professional

I love this guy. He's not really doing anything for his typing, but he's committed to the Footballer bit like no other. I've never seen so muscular knees. Kabu has "wily veteran" vibes, he's an older statesman of the league but still just as sharp as ever.

And I dig the extra detail we get about him - he's originally from Hoenn, but came to Galar to compete. Then he even dropped to the minor leagues before bouncing back. Dude has had a goddamn career, and I bet if you include his Hoenn stats he'd be an easy all-timer. It's cool how you get a preview of Motostoke before making the loop to actually attempt his gym, it's a great build-up and makes that first third of Sword/Shield the strongest part.

His logo amazing, btw. A samurai-style kabuto helmet, but also a reference to his ace Pokemon Centiskorch! If I lived in Galar, I think I'd definitely be a Kabu fan. Not only does he use one of my favorite Pokemon from the region, but I want to see the ol' gunslinger lace 'em up one more time and show those kids a thing or two.

Overall: 10/10

Nessa of Hulbury

rare sighting of the Loch Nessa Monster

 

There's a bit of a unifying design trend with the Gym Leaders in Galar - they're all sporty, because this league is run like a tournament. It's a cool idea, and goes with the British obsession with Football (although you could just have easily done the same for Unova, with New York's various sporting obsessions). Some of the leaders find it hard to work in the sponsor logos and weird tiny glove, but Nessa isn't one of them.

No, she makes this shit look good. I feel like there's perhaps 1 too many colors going on here, between the 3 shades of blue and green jewelry, but it's not enough to ruin a stellar design. My only other note is her ankle-floaties - usually people put flotation devices near the parts that need to stay above the water, like heads. But Nessa's feed will never drown. So that's cool.

Am I going easy on her because she's a babe? Possibly. But she's also a Queen, which is more important.

Overall: 9/10

Milo of Turffield

Got that Farmer Strength

 

Milo belongs to that subset of Pokemon characters who lack white sclera. He just has pupils floating underneath his eyebrows, like Krillin. Also like Krillin, he's incredibly jacked and doesn't have a nose.

something else that stands out in his artwork is his feet - he looks like he's standing in a puddle or something, right? Like there's got to be another 2 inches of foot we aren't seeing? Or else this man has the flattest feet I've ever seen. I think he did his leg day, did he skip Foot Day?

Maybe he's related to the Fire Emblem Awakening characters.

I'll be using their insignia instead of the actual badges they give you, because those are just pieces of a cookie and don't really matter. But their logos are kinda cool. And despite all the weird anatomy, I like Milo. Big himbo vibes.

Overall: 7/10

Molayne of the Alola Elite Four

 may as well get string bean out of the way, too

While a retired Trial Captain in SM, Molayne takes a spot on the Elite Four in USUM. But he's still dressing like it's a day off, you gotta have more flash than that! You specialize in Steel types, at least dress like Otacon or something and go with the technician style.

Instead, he looks like Steven Merchant by way of Professor Layton.

Overall: 1/10

Ryuki of the Alola Elite Four

this guy kinda fell through the cracks when I was doing my trainer reviews a few years ago, so I'll review him here

Once you beat the Alolan League and become Champion, you can face "Challengers" in place of Kukui as the final battle. And most of those challengers are just the other trainers from the story, but also this dude, Ryuki, who comes from another region and wants to apply for the job as Dragon Gym-leader once the league gets off its feet.

Would have been cool to see that in USUM, huh! Instead, he's just this random traveling dude who maybe doesn't count? Which is a shame, because he freaking rocks. All you Dragon trainers out there need to show up with AT LEAST this amount of raw energy if you want to compete.

My boy has spikes on top of spikes, he turned his collar into some sort of maw attacking his chest, and his eyes glow white with fierce power. I do question the wisdom of leaving just your thumbs out of your gloves, even if you want to play that guitar, because I thought you needed ALL the fingers for that. But the little zettai ryouiki going on? kind of slutty, but I think that's okay

Overall: 9/10

Aether Foundation of Alola

You know, going into this game, I was prepared for them to be the straight up Good Guys, because I didn't trust a Pokemon game with any sort of narrative nuance whatsoever.

So I wanted the Skull Grunts' shoes, but I need the Aether employees' shoes. I love the all-white look, they're futuristic in a very Apple or SpaceX sort of way. The gold accents are a bold choice, since sometimes white can eat it up and keep it from standing out, but they work it. The only miss here is the pocket-pouches, which are too large even for Rob Liefeld. Downsize by 50% and we'd be perfect.

Employees: 9/10


Wicke is thicker than a snicker, walking around in her Fuck-You-Up heels like your aunt when she's 8 margaritas deep into the luau. Reminds me of Velma from Scoopy-Doo, or more accurately reminds me of all those thirsty sexxxy Velma fan-arts you see all over the place. Wicke has a fun design, and communicates her role as the only actually trustworthy member of the Foundation.

Wicke: 10/10


Now Faba is lowkey the most extra one in the whole foundation. My man showed up to work with Flygon goggles. You know he don't need that sort of eye protection. You know he don't need to read shit out of the corner of his eye like a damn chameleon. How are they even staying on? They appear to just be grafted to his skin. Maybe they're vacuum sealed. Also he kinda reminds me of Adder from Advance Wars.

Faba: 10/10


Winner of the best Mother-of-the-Year award since Ragyo Kiryuin, it's Lusamine. And in an organization filled with bad bitches, she is without a doubt the baddest bitch of them all. Look at that strut, that figure, those confidently toned arms, that hair which forms a solid cone behind her. She's like Lady Gaga but with the entrepreneurial drive of Oprah and the budget of Jeff Bezos. She's also a terrible human being and it felt good to have a villain I actually hated for once in a Pokemon game. I'll never forgive her for what she did to poor Lillie. And Gladion too, but screw him.

Lusamine: 10/10


the Aether Foundation make a great foil for Team Skull, and show us the real villains aren't the street-level thugs (who are as much a victim of their environment as they are their own poor choices) but the gigantic corporations, operating outside of government supervision with supposed tech luminaries leading their supposedly altruistic efforts, as they work to enslave us all.

Or to look at it another way, Pokemon made PETA the bad guys in BW, now it's environmentalists! They just really don't give a shit.

I'm actually kinda surprised I came out of this giving almost everybody a perfect score, but this seems like a really iconic crew! It's a shame USUM just sort of shifted the plot beats laterally without making it any better or being a true sequel or anything, because I wanted to see MORE of Aether and Team Skull.


Overall: 10/10

Team Skull of Alola

I love these knuckleheads SO much you guys


It's taken us this long to get an "evil team" with some real Urban Flavor, but Team Skull dishes it out in spades. They keep it monochromatic except for their cotton-candy-colored hair, and keep it fresh with silver bling and sick-ass all-white shoes. I wanna cop those shoes, for real. Oh, and check out how the skull hat they wear has one eye all droopy, because it's attitude! And they spit hot #barz at you! They're the best!!

Grunts: 10/10


Now, Plumeria... Plumeria's the sort of girl to make a man wanna drop out of college and become a single father, if you know what I mean. I like the way she incorporates the X pattern of the grunt's shirts into her top, and the skull barettes are a nice touch. And while most Bad Girls like her would have a tramp stamp, she's taken the initiative to get it nice and large right across her navel. That's the sort of commitment to the team that you look for in a lieutenant.

Plumeria: 10/10



but it wouldn't be Team Skull without the Big Bad Boss who beats ya down and beats ya down and never lets up. That's right, I'm talkin about your boy and mine, Guzma. You can tell he's the boss because his necklace is GOLD. The X's on his pants feel kinda tacked on, but outside of that he's perfect. Dude looks like trouble, he's like Enzo Amore but without the meth (Plumeria reminds me of Carmella, now that I think of it). And I loved his role in the story, too - seems like a petty thug, but he's actually being used by the true evil organization.

My personal theory is that he gave up golf after never being able to beat Kahili, and that's what got him so salty and bitter in the first place. Oh, and he loves Bug types. And I lowkey ship him with Lusamine shut up. Point is, he's perfect.

Guzma: 10/10



Their logo, by the way, is an S twisted into a kinda-sorta skull shape. It's honestly the weakest part of the whole team, but that's okay because everything else is on point. The designs are great, their leaders have great personalities (I love the detail about Plumeria challenging for the Elite 4 title in the post-game, proving that she can be a serious threat if she cleans up her act!), their theme music rocks, and they have a logical part in the story. Nanu's endless losing battle with them is something else you could really go in depth with the headcanon if you wanted to. And unlike any other evil team before them, their lack of a clear plan is totally fine - because there IS no plan! They just wanna hang out and be thugs!

Overall: 10/10

Kukui of the Alola Elite Four

The cream rises to the top, brother oh yeah

I thought Prof. Kukui was great, the first professor with an actual personality and role in the story since... maybe ever? I mean yeah I remember the other profs, because I make a damn Pokemon blog so I'm legally obligated to keep that minutia in my brain, taking up vital space that could be used to store things like my wife's birthday and the age of my children, but the point is that they kinda sucked.

And Kukui doesn't suck. I caught all the Macho Man/Ric Flair references he was throwing down, which play into my ground-breaking theory: Prof. Kukui IS the Masked Royal. I know it's hard to believe, but I think if you look at all the facts, you can see where I'm coming from.

anyway, having him play the role of the Champion for your first time attempting the Elite 4 makes sense - the thing is just cobbled together anyway, and really the purpose is just to crown you Champion, so why not play the role of final gatekeeper? On a side note, spinning further attempts as you "defending" your title against a variety of different challengers was brilliant. Especially when Youngster freaking Tristan steps up to the plate.

as for Kukui's design, it's fine. Perfectly fits a casual science bro who's as likely to jump in the water or wrestling ring as he is to conduct research. And that hat is just absolutely the sort of lame company hat that you're forced to wear. He definitely has a matching T-shirt that has the same logo and a slogan like "Alola - Because We Care" on it that he keeps buried in his closet. But mainly I love the guy for his personality and role in the story.


Overall: 10/10

Kahili of the Alola Elite Four

more like Elite Fore amirite


This time, the Elite Four wasn't even set up until the end of the game. As such, the Professor called for the best in the land, and assembled a dream team. The Kahunas are there, except Nanu was invited, but was too based to show up. And Ponii Island doesn't really have a Kahuna. So also this heretofore unmentioned golfer chick is there to make up the numbers.

I can't decide if I like this whole format or not. On one hand, it's neat to know the reputations of the E4 members before you fight them, but maybe rematches are boring? Give me new characters! Or at least make them NPCs I know, but haven't fought.

As for Kahili hereself, she's alright! Wish we'd seen the actual golf course in-game, but she looks like a total pro, and connecting Flying types to Golf via the Eagle/Birdie terminology is genius. What's up with the Push-pop colored club, though? (don't yell at me, I know it's Toucannon flavored)

It's odd that she's the only fresh face, but I like her design well enough. Could use a little... something extra to really sell that she's a step above your average Ace Trainer or Gym Leader, but that's a hard ask when the rest of the E4 is literally composed of Gym Leader equivalents who didn't dress up for the occasion at all, lazy bums.


Overall: 7/10

Hapu of Poni Island

I was doing holiday things, and in Japan, and other stuff! Sorry for the break, let's get back to it and finish this stuff off, in the hopes of a Gen 8 announcement this year.


I was kinda disappointed with how Poni island just seemed like an afterthought. It's my beloved Kauai, yet they made it a dry, uninhabited canyon without really even proper trials. Still, Hapu is cute, so I guess it balances out.

I like her eyebrows and intense stare, she may be smol, but she tuff. Doesn't really look like a kahuna, but that's kind of the point - in fact, she doesn't actually take up the reins officially until you meet her in the story. But the design is nice, with great use of repeating rounded shapes. I want to put her in my pocket and then roll her down a hill!


Overall: 8/10

Nanu of Ula'ula Island

[anime villain voice]: NANU!?


Nanu's cheekbones have exactly as much definition on his face as his nose does, which would be frightening in real life. He also has the sunken eyes of a man who stopped caring about anything a long while ago. He ran out of shits to give so long ago, he's forgotten what a shit even looks like. Nanu's primary motivation in the game is simply to get all these young kids off his lawn, both Team Skull and the player. He just wants you gone, so he can get back to drinking away the pain in peace.

Notice that he's the only Kahuna you can't battle in the postgame, because he did the bare minimum required to fulfill his obligations and then fucked off.

As such, I love him to bits, and I think his design is pretty cool, too. Reminds me of an Advance Wars CO.


Overall: 9/10

Olivia of Akala Island

luv me some Beyonzo

How in the world has this woman not managed to land herself a man? It would be one thing if she just had super-high standards, but from the game it seems like she's bizarrely unpopular? Talk about immersion-breaking.

Anyway, I'm surprised they hadn't made the connection between a Rock-specialist and jewelry, but it makes a lot of sense. I'd like to see more jewel-like Rock types myself, instead of gray-brown granite uggos. But that's beside the point, and the point is that Olivia is awesome.

See, this is how you color-coordinate a pink/brown outfit, Ilima. Take notes, child, the queen is teaching. She rocks that outfit but good, the accessories are on point, and she got legs longer than an Alolan Exeggutor. (Not an Alolan Exeggutor's legs, I mean, I was comparing them to the overall body length, and by "them" I mean her legs, and you know what? I'll stop there.)


Overall: 10/10

Hala of Melemele Island

*pours one out for Bruddah Iz*

Remember how people thought that Lusamine was gonna turn into Pheromosa and Lilie was Nihilego? Then they tried to come up with further justifications why the other UBs would be people as well? And Hala was supposed to be Guzzlord? Boy, people are stupid.

Anyway, I like Hala. He's got a cool grandpa vibe to him, like you can tell he used to be a rockin' badass back in the day, but now he's mellowed out. He grew a gut from all that easy living, but he could still whip your ass if he catches you misbehaving.

I'm not so sure I get "Fighting" from him, though. But the contrast between him and the Trial Captains is good, reminds you that this is the Kahuna, he's on another level.

Bonus question: What's up with Fighting gym leaders being islanders? Brawly, Chuck, and now Hala. (I realize everyone in Sun/Moon is an islander, shut up)


Overall: 7/10