Team Galactic of Sinnoh

I'm in no hurry, I hope you don't mind.

Sinnoh is my least favorite region, I think I've made that pretty clear by now, so I've put most of it from my mind. I remembered these guys being from space or something, but I had forgotten the bowl cuts. With that said, they actually look pretty solid. Definitely feels unisex like 60's sci-fi designs, complete with collar and aluminum hose arms. Logo displayed prominently, simplistic colors, yeah these work. Feel a little out-of-place as the uniforms for a human organization in what is close-to-modern day, but whatever.

Grunts: 9/10


      
The male admins at least continue the color scheme, and apparent "horrible hairstyles" executive mandate. But I dunno about the ribbing on their pants, and Saturn's arms. It worked for the grunts, because the silver suggests robot arms of something, and appeared to be skin-tight. But when you clearly have pants and a turtleneck on? Not feelin' it. Charon just looks disgusted to even be wearing his suit, though, which is probably why he's trying to cover up with a lab coat.

Saturn: 4/10
Charon: 5/10
     
Mars is looking good. Again, keeping up with the sci-fi motifs, with that Space Station 9 skirt. But Jupiter on the other hand... girl, did something eat part of your leg? What's up with that? You finna model Nina Williams' outfit in the next Tekken? It's just so distracting, two bands of flesh showing up like that. I do want to say that I love the name theme for Team Galactic, though now I can't help but think of Sailor Mars and Sailot Jupiter (best scouts) and now I'm sad that the whole team isn't dressed like that.

Mars: 8/10
Jupiter: 4/10


Goddamn Cyrus is rockin' that emo look. Baggy yet formless pants, straight-jacket looking thing on, and his face all like The Cure. Actually it's a pretty imposing glare, but that life-jacket he's got on, and those pants (which he also is wearing on his arms?) just makes him laughable. This is not what I would have expected from the boss of a kitschy sci-fi organization.

Cyrus: 3/10



I can't be assed to look up Team Galactic's motivations or goals, but as I recall they had some half-baked scheme about capturing legendary Pokemon to destroy the world. Which makes them as stupid as Magma and Aqua, but somehow less dumb, because at least they know they're gonna end the world. In any case, I've never found them particularly memorable, and honestly their outfits were better than I had remembered. Which isn't saying a whole lot.

Overall: 4/10

Sinnoh League Champion Cynthia

a classy dame indeed

After a mediocre Elite Four, you finally get to Cynthia, who's so cool you get the idea she could solo the previous four with no problem. She doesn't stick to one type, which is perfectly fine and maybe even should be encouraged for a champion. I didn't really care much for my playthrough of Pearl (as you may have gathered by now), but that final confrontation with Cynthia was definitely one of the highlights. It came down to my last guy, and her Lucario. I don't remember the specifics of the battle, but it was great.

And likewise, Cynthia's design is great. I love how her clothes somehow both resemble a no-nonsense business suit, but also an elegant ball gown. Black fur trim really helps.

What's cooler, is that she shows up in the next game. Just hanging out like a badass in her private ocean-front property, of course. I love it when Pokemon does this, acknowledges that it takes place in a connected universe.

Oh snap, noticed one more thing - the tips of her shoes - also have a thin yellow band, just like her hair accessories. Gotta love that devotion of fashion.


Overall: 10/10

Lucian of the Sinnoh Elite Four

Objection!! That's actually Miles Edgeworth, not a Pokemon Trainer!

No, it's just Lucian. Though props to this guy for actually sticking to a theme - Aaron and Brenda didn't look the part at all, and Flint wasn't even trying.

Because while he may not eccentric as hell like other Psychic-type masters, you just look at him and know he's gonna do some freaking magic. Possibly with his fingers. Because really, who wears burgundy suits and has wavy purple hair, except magicians?

He's stylish and understated, which would make him stand out against the usual Elite Four crowd (a dude going to a masquerade ball, a shirtless sailor, a ninja, literally Ryu, and a man in a full suit of plate armor). However, as we've seen, the Sinnoh Elite Four isn't the usual lineup. They must have run out of costuming budget, because these basic bitches are still just wearing whatever hell clothes they had on when they got the job.

I mean, you're slick and all, Luce, but I would not bat an eye if you were just a Cool Trainer on Victory road.


Overall: 5/10

Flint of the Sinnoh Elite Four

holy shit it's Ronald McDonald

An entire color combination has been forever tainted by a single, ubiquitous character. Though having a red afro doesn't really do you any favors in not being compared to the Ran Ran Ru.

Also, Flint is supposedly a Fire user? despite the fact that his Diamond/Pearl team features more non-Fire types than it does Fire types. Maybe you should've thought of the immense scarcity of Fire in Sinnoh before you decided to make a trainer specialize in the type, Gamefreak. Maybe you should've put more goddamn Fire types in the game in the first place, Gamefreak. Why don't you look me in the eyes when I'm speaking, Gamefreak.

Yeah, I know he got fixed in Platinum, I don't even care. Dude looks dorky and uncommitted to his type. Maybe with a yellow afro and a red shirt? Or would that be too Bo-bobo-esque.

As it stands, Flint should go back to flipping burgers.


Overall: 2/10

Bertha of the Sinnoh Elite Four

Has anybody with the name Bertha ever been taken seriously?

It's not about to start now. We already had the "badass old lady" gimmick character, so another one is just annoying. It's like they forgot they already did one. And she uses Ground-type Pokemon, for absolutely no reason at all.

Also that's just an ugly scarf she got on. You don't freaking wear a brown scarf with a white coat and black dress. And what's that red? Christ, you'd think for someone so old she would've learned a little bit about fashion by now. Looks like she just grabbed the first 5 items she saw at Goodwill and called it a day.

I'm kind of surprised myself that I'm being so mean to a poor old woman, but I mean, c'mon. Sometimes people are just ugly and lame. Even old people. Who have, you know, historically been associated with "beauty" and "coolness".


Overall: 1/10

Aaron of the Sinnoh Elite Four

Remember Aaron Carter? And 98 degrees? And *NSYNC? Doesn't it all seem like a dream, now?

Nice to see a Bug specialist so high up. Usually Bugs get relegated to the opening stages, as early bugs are usually bootysweat. And I guess green hair is something I could associate with insects.

Other than that, Aaron just looks like the "cute" love interest in a shoujo manga. you know, one of those ones that make like they're about action and stuff but are really just about how much each of the male characters wants to protect the blank slate female lead?

Not much else to say here. Generic design with unappealing shades of green and orange.


Overall: 4/10

Volkner of Sunyshore City

I want this man's style

No kidding, Volker looks mad chill to me. Blue + Yellow is always striking, and I dig the sideburns. Cool jacket, too.

Also, you gotta admire this motherlover's attitude. Everyone else standing up like tool, not this cat. Gotta sit down, the weight of being a badass gets heavy once in a while nawmean? ay, not even gonna sit down on some chair or whatever, just gonna pop up my red shadow-seat and pop a squat, no big d. defying physics like it ain't no thing.



The badge is - well, I've seen worse. I guess I can pretend it's a lighthouse. Oh yeah, that's right, the Gym Leader with a lighthouse in their town is actually Electric, instead of, oh I don't know, STEEL. That's right, Jasmine, I'm talking about you. Stop crying, nobody cares.

Especially not Volker. Dude got more pressing things on his mind. But seriously tho, what's he thinking about so hard? Left the stove on? trying to remember all the names of the 7 dwarves? thinking about some trifling friend indeed?

Volker has a subtle style that still immediately reads"electric type", and his pose and mannerisms instantly characterize him. One of my favorite Gym Leaders ever, actually.


Overall: 10/10

Candice of Snowpoint City

shimapan socks

There seem to be an awful lot of energetic school girls getting made Gym Leaders. But I can't say I dislike her design, it's actually pretty color coordinated and unique (as far as schoolgirls go)

Also interesting to juxtapose an upbeat personality with a frigid type choice - most other Ice trainers are cold and distant, but Candice ain't like all that. Good on her. Still reppin' the white and cyan, though. Traditional icy colors.



So she's a cutie, and her badge is sicknasty, but does she really look a gym leader? I took off points before for this sort of thing, so I guess I ought to again. I'm almost done with the 4th region, and I still don't really have a solid criteria for grading these things.

Also want to point out how awesome it was to walk around in the snow by her town.


Overall: 7/10

Byron of Canalave City

Holy crap it's Simon: The Later Years

While his son may be a roody-poo candy-ass, Byron is one hardboiled dude. Note the tattered edges of his pants, cape, and face - he's been at this shit for years, and he wears the miner gear not because he just got off work, but because it's basically the only clothes he owns anymore. He left the rest along with the other soft parts of his life - in the mines. You spend enough time down there, it takes things from you. Friends, lungs, your mind. But you also find things. Like how to be a Man.

Seriously, Byron may be one of the most intense Gym Leaders of all time, and has a surprising amount of involvement in the lore. His aforementioned pansy of a son, Roark, is the gym leader of some podunk town or another. And his dad is simply known as The Underground Man, abandoning all traces of humanity to become one with the bedrock. There's also this anecdote about how he wanted Riley, strong trainer and noted Lucario fanboy, to become a Gym Leader but was reminded he had an actual son.

which I imagine went something like this:

"Riley, you're a badass. I'm gonna recommend you for that Gym Leader position."
"I thank you, but what about your son?"
"Son? I have no son."
"What about that one with the poor eyesight and crippling emotional issues?"
"Oh, that one."



Even his badge is awesome. It's three pickaxes, combining together and looking like one of those three-way Venn Diagram things.

I really don't have anything bad to say about Byron. He kicks ass and digs holes, sometimes in that order.


Overall: 10/10

Fantina of Hearthome City

I spent the most time in Sinnoh in Hearthome. Because that had the best stretch of straight ground, for egg-hatching pacing.

I've always felt Fantina's hair was incredibly silly. Also, she seems awfully overlooked, for being such a flashy character.

But you know what? She's actually pretty cool. High Fashion in all the best ways. I like how her style is totally referencing Drifblim, without going over-the-top and wearing a gigantic balloon suit or something. I guess that's what her hair is supposed to be - like balloons.

Problem is, though, the hair. She's like some sort of purple Yotsuba on steroids, and there's just SO MUCH PURPLE that it's a little overwhelming in its uniformity. If they were at least a different shade? or maybe a hairstyle that doesn't immediately make one think of a female villain from Star Trek.



The Relic Badge is neat. Swirly and sci-fi, looks like a mysterious vortex or whatever. Though on the whole, I feel like Fantina would be a better fit for my hypothetical Cosmic Type (that will never happen). I'm not really reading "Ghost" from any of her stuff, aside from the admitted big freaking red flag of dressing up like a Ghost-type. Or is it a Purple Flag?

In any case, I'm pretty damn sure they would have taken her character concept and worked it into a Fairy Type gym today.


Overall: 6/10

Crasher Wake of Pastoria City

holy frig get the shit out of the way

You see this man coming at you from up out the water, you better run. Or maybe not even. You'll still get thrown, possibly into a Kinniku Buster, or maybe an Ultimate Atomic Suplex. Mr. Wake is two tons of Lucha in a 30-pound sack.

This guy is as over-the-top as they come, but that goes with the territory, don't you think? I question how Water and wrestling tie together, but his costume actually pulls it off. It's just his gimmick.

Only problem with his design I have is his improbable mask - is the black parts his hair, or sitll part of the mask? why does he have so much skin showing? it's like he's wearing the thong equivalent of a mask. And not just any thong, the most exotic, daring thong of them all. The kind that actually doesn't cover any of the stuff you want to see.



His badge, the Fen Badge, is oddly subdued. It's actually really chill. Reminds me of like an oasis at night, or maybe a moonlit lagoon. That calm blue pool, and the palm trees touching overhead. It's watery, and I like it. Hey, guess what? you can use more than SOLID COLOR and SILVER when you make a badge, and it comes out great!

panties-on-head mask aside, Crasher is a badass dude. Or maybe he's more badass for wearing such silly headgear


Overall: 8/10

Maylene of Veilstone City

Seichusen, Godan-tsuki!!


Maylene reminds me of Street Fighter's Makoto in a lot of ways. Athletic build, kind of short, and the hair is kinda-sorta-not-really-but-close similar. Though unlike Makoto, who is the very picture of stoic confidence, Maylene almost bubbles over with confusion. She doesn't seem to even understand how she got the job as Gym Leader, which makes me question the Pokemon League's hiring standards.

At any rate, her design makes it clear she's a Fighter. training gloves, baggy pants over some sort of underarmor, and those classic bandages. Or maybe they're cold compresses. Should ask Chief Arino about that.

Thing is, if I didn't know better, I'd think she was a Battle Girl NPC trainer, not a Gym Leader. I guess that's her conceit, that she's just a regular karate-crazy girl who somehow got the position? Eh. I would respond more positively if she hadn't looked so new-school. Tape your hands, don't use sissy gloves! PAIN IS AN ILLUSION


What the hell is this thing. It's not a fist, I can tell that much. It's called the Cobble Badge, so maybe it's cobble stones? or like a brick? because you break bricks in karate? I feel like the harder I try to make it look like something, the less it looks like anything.


Overall: 4/10

Roark of Oreburgh City

You know, I'm just going to pretend like that last month didn't even happen. Nope, no gap. We just kept on going, right? right.


Continuing with the review of Gym Leaders, we enter the Sinnoh region. We again start with a Rock-type leader, just like Brock before him.

The difference, is that this little twerp can't make up his mind. Is he working as a construction... miner? or is he a gym leader? YOU CAN'T DO BOTH, mister. No man may serve two masters.

It just seems unprofessional, to me. You work hard to get there, and then he just comes in during his lunch break or whatever, half-assedly tosses out a few crap Pokemon, gives you some dirty badge, and then goes back to work.

oh, something something conspiracy about him looking like the Rival from Gold/Silver, whatever. Roark isn't nearly as cool as that cat.



The Coal Badge is really freaking bland. Looks like a treasure chest, kind of? but like the world's laziest, most barely-representational version of a treasure chest. Which kind of has to do with rocks?

It's dumb, and you'll notice it has this obnoxious silver border. It's the theme for this region, and I much prefer the older style of badges, but I guess it's not too bad. Some of the later ones make it work pretty well. This is just not one of them.


Overall: 2/10

No. 493: Arceus

In the beginning, there was screen glare. Then Arceus said, "Let there be Back-lit LCD screens", and it was Good.


First, let me say that the cut-scene in Pokemon Platinum that ties Arceus to the creation of the Poke-world, and gives you a level 1 of Dialga, Palkia, or Giratina, is one of the funniest fucking things I have ever seen in my entire goddamn life. I laughed til I cried.

Why? Because it's so ridiculous. Pokemon is about catching, training, befriending, and battling little monsters, as they grow into badass monsters. But then suddenly we have an entire Poke-Pantheon forming, with truly godlike entities, finally coming to a climax with the Godhead Creator itself - Arceus. Which can be caught by a 12-years-old kid. I don't know, maybe it's an intentional sacrifice thing? My point is, if you revealed that you had Buddha or Jesus locked in your basement and you called them out to beat up thugs, that would probably reflect badly on your immortal soul.

Anyway, blasphemy aside, Arceus is a wonderfully strange-looking dude. It's some sort of space-llama, jumping through a space-halo. But I actually like the design, because it is just so crazy and weird. It isn't some eldritch horror, but rather an incomprehensible being from beyond mortal understanding. Not good, nor evil, Arceus simply Is. And the ability to be any time at all is also cool, and makes sense. As does its perfect stats, which will likely never be contested.

While I think this leap in power is pretty silly, I do think Arceus does it well. And as long as no other legendaries try to come close, then it's fine. And judging by the 5th gen, I don't think Gamefreak is planning to, they knew they pushed it pretty damn far, and will back off. And once you accept the Arceus into your heart as your personal lord and savoir, then you will know peace.


Overall: 10/10


But so yeah, this is the end of the 4th generation, and what a note to end it on. Nearly 500 Pokemon, from the lowliest karp to the mightiest god. I've got hella feels about Sinnoh that I'll share in my summary, as well as favorites and such. Expect a delay, because I want to take this time to finally go through and re-do the links and tags.

No. 492: Shaymin

Ch-ch-ch-chia! Chia! Chia-pet!


This is a brilliant idea for a Pokemon. A hedgehog, with a literal hedge on its back. That flower on the side adds a vaguely tropical flavor. It's cute, and I like the colors. In that one movie Shaymin may be an utter bitch, the Queen Bitch from Bitch-topia, but how can you stay mad at something so damn cuuuute?

Wait

what?

This is a legendary Pokemon? Huh?

That - that doesn't make a lick of sense. Oh, it also has an additional form? Well, let's check that out, maybe it'll be more "legendary" -


eh, still not really doing it for me. Now it's a little dog that flies around with its ears and wears a scarf, which is also incredibly precious, but still not really giving me the "legendary" vibe. I know it has the stats, but not the look.

It just seems wrong to have cute, simple-looking Pokemon like Shaymin (and to an extent, Manaphy) in the same Legendary class as the masters of time, space, anti-matter, and the Lord of All Creation. Why so many legendaries, Sinnoh? It's not like you didn't need some extra filler to populate your routes...

I'm going to give Shaymin a good score, because I really like it, but I want to make my displeasure at its legendary status clear.


Overall: 8/10

No. 491: Darkrai

Yo, one time I heard this guy pronounce it like "Dark-eye" and I thought he was throwing some racist slur around, so I punched him in the teeth. True story, homes.


But anyway, Darkrai is a little bit of a badass. You can tell because he's all dark and shadowy, with red and white highlights. He also has immense power, which he struggles to control. Some theorize he secluded himself on Newmoon island so that no one gets harmed by his uncontrollable power. He also in one of the movies sacrifices himself to save the town or something. He's basically listening to Linkin Park and wearing pants with buckles, you guys.

But I still like him anyway. The design is striking, and I like the way the edges are all fleeting, like smoke or a shadow. Also that's a pretty neat collar. I kinda wish the color was the mouth of his true head, and the white trailing thing is just his tongue, so he's pull that shit back in, and snap the jaws shut, and then step right into the nightmare dreams of children everywhere.

Maybe Darkrai should've been a Ghost type, but I still think it's fine legendary. He's more, well, dark, than a regular Pokemon should be, but as the legendary who controls bad dreams and shit like that? Great.


Overall: 9/10

No. 490: Manaphy

Okay, this one I can deal with.

Like Jirachi, Celebi, and Mew before it, Manaphy is a cute lil' sprite, a-frolicking around adorably, and somehow harboring great power to guard the entire ocean or something.

It reminds me of a Chao, from Sonic Adventure, which is a good thing. But I question the wisdom of entrusting all this responsibility to something so immature. That's why Celebi got beat like a drum in the 4th Pokemon movie, and Manaphy got played like a violin in the 9th one. At least Mew had the smarts to actually fight back when Mewtwo started talking shit.

Anyway, Manaphy doesn't bring anything new to the table, but it also doesn't do anything wrong. (I'm choosing to pretend Phione isn't real). I think its signature move, Heart Swap, is pretty pointless, because swapping stat changes is lame. If they use swords dance, and you want that boost, why don't you just use it yourself? Wait, Manaphy doesn't have that move. And there's probably some meta-strategy about anticipating the opponent's buff, and getting it for yourself instead. But I don't pretend to know about high-tier strategies. I just get mad at trivial things on the internet.


Overall: 7/10

No. 489: Phione

wait hold up here. shouldn't Manaphy be next? Isn't that our cute-lil-fairy legendary for this gen? What the piss is Phione!?


After doing some research (read: skimming the bulbapedia page), it turns out Phione is the prevolution of Manaphy. Except, it can't evolve. Into Manaphy. It's just there. Oh, and also this means Manaphy is like the only legendary that can breed, and it produces a stunted offspring. Who can in turn breed into more Phione.

This is mind-boggling to me. Why on earth would anyone make this into a thing? Manaphy is simply better in every way. And Phinone isn't even that good. It's just a pure Water type. It looks like Manaphy's second cousin. Why does this exist? Who thought this would be a good idea? Were they so desperate to fill space they resorted to making Chinese knock-off versions of their own Pokemon!?

I mean, shit. What's the point? Manaphy is already there. Why not just make Manaphy able to breed? Also, has there ever been any explanation for this phenomenon? In the movie centered around Manaphy, Phione didn't make an appearance. I'm sorry if I'm asking too many questions, but that's about all I can do. I'm just wracking my brain, trying to deduce what the fuck is going on here, but I'm drawing blanks.

I don't know if I can even give this one a score. Are you sure it really exists? Is this all just a giant prank? I think my mind is refusing to believe something this freaking enormously stupid and redundant could even be.


Overall: nope/10

No. 488: Cresselia

oh shit you guys I honestly forgot about this one


And it's no surprise. Cresselia has a bunch of crescent moons around her, and yet somehow manages to be completely forgettable. Maybe it's the pure Psychic typing, maybe it's the fact that she's completely optional and quite redundant, maybe it's the lack of a gimmick, maybe it's the way her overall body shape is like Latias and Latios, or maybe it's every damn one of these things.

I think it has some power over dreams, or making you feel happy, or peaceful love moonbeams, but I don't give a single shit. It looks like it has a banana peel stuck on its head, and its holding its hands like a bra or something. Man, there wasn't even any point to remembering Cresselia.


Overall: 3/10

No. 487: Giratina

Now here comes trouble.


Trouble with a capital T that rhymes with G that stands for Giratina! Red, black, grey, and gold are a bunch of colors to work, but I think the big G works them well enough. I think I've mentioned before how much I like it when things have 6 legs, so that's another plus.

In the interest of fairness, tho, I should point out that holy shit does Giratina have a bunch of hoops and stripes and bands and stuff. and I think those wings might be a bit much? It looks like a powerful engine of destruction, but a lumbering, awkward kind.

Altered Form: 7/10


All the better to contrast with the pure form, the one it takes when it is at home in the Dark Dimension or Negative Zone or whatever. Evil black tentacles (with the spikes from the wings becoming claws), those neck hoops open to be like actual claw-spike things, the head gets badass and streamlined, and it now has more proper bands like a snake. Also spikes alongside, because why not? I love the hell outta this design, it lives up to the Ghost/Dragon typing, and even if it is over-the-top and digimon-like, screw it. This version of Giratina is supposed to be the scariest, evilest damn thing around.

Origin Form: 10/10


Overall: 9/10