No. 988: Slither Wing

 obscure 0² vibes, y'know?

Slither Wing got done dirty by the artwork. It doesn't communicate how the tail is actually as long as its body, how it has proper wings not just a single spine, and that it can walk on its hind legs. Especially when all we had was the blurry low-res Pokedex artwork, I thought it looked like a complete dud.

Turns out, Slither Wing is really cool! I don't know why this moth has a dinosaur tail, but I'm not complaining. It doesn't even feel like a moth anymore, but some weird hairy insect-reptile beast, which is awesome. I like how it's fuzzy and cute, but also has the right bodyplan to strike cool poses. 

 

Overall: 9/10 

No. 984: Great Tusk

 I'm sure I saw this guy on the Flintstones

Now we get into the Paradox Pokemon, starting with the ancient ones. To me, this felt like a strange concept, because we already know what ancient Pokemon looked like. They looked like Kabuto, and Cradily, and Aurorus. Relicanth, too. You know, Fossil Pokemon!

Instead, here's this group of weirdos who just resemble modern Pokemon, but hairier and with bigger fangs. It's strange to think of long-term evolution as we understand it in real life, in a series where Pokemon undergo evolution akin to metamorphosis. I know some people were saying they're not meant to be real at all, just the fantasies of explorers made physical, but I think it ended up being that they are from the past, but actually it's another timeline's past?

idk, the Pokemon Multiverse Theory is a topic I find so engrossing that every time someone brings it up I fall asleep. What matters here is the design at hand, which is basically just what I said - a hairier Donphan, with bigger tusks.

And Donphan is one of the all-time greats, so naturally that means Great Tusk is also pretty good, but I think those tusks are just a bit too big. Can't skewer anything when they're curved back so far like that! Also, the more I look at it, the more I think that Donphan was actually perfect and I start to resent even trying to iterate on it. It's like putting eyebrows on the Mona Lisa. Or in this case, pink spikes on an elephant.

 

Overall: 6/10 

Paldean Tauros

 doing this here with all the other regional evolutions, so I don't forget

For a Spain-inspired region, there's not a whole lot of Spanish flavor in Paldea. But if there's one thing I was looking forward to, it was a bullfighting Pokemon. El toro y el matador, you know? So what they decided to do with this easy layup is... odd, to say the least.

First up, it's just a regional form of Tauros. Which isn't awful, I mean they could have just made a new bull Pokemon, but they already have one, so hey. But when I saw it, I thought it was just a shiny Tauros. Then I noticed its horns were blunted. Somehow, this makes it a Fighting type.

I mean, yes, it is a bull that fights, because bullfighting, so Fighting, that's fine. But wouldn't that make it look, idk, more aggressive? Shouldn't the horns be emphasized, if anything?


Then I realized that there are multiple forms of this regional form, which seems pretty pointlessly confusing, especially since Blaze Breed is easily the best of the lot and should have been the only one. Fire/Fighting is a better combo, it has badass horns, plus the tail being braided into a bullwhip is such a cool detail! It's one of those rare regional forms that's just a straight improvement on the original in every way.


Finally, the Aqua Breed, just seems redundant. Why do we have this water buffalo? This isn't Veggie Tales. Its horns look dumb, and spinning its tails like a propeller in the water is barely anything.

But again, I have to ask: Why are there three of these guys? I would have simply done Blaze Breed on its own, that's Paldean Tauros, no further questions. If there must be multiple, then I suppose Fire and Water are traditional counterparts, whatever. But then why does there exist a third version whose defining characteristic is just "lacks the defining characteristics of the other two"? Especially since you could just use regular Kanto Tauros in that role. I don't get it.

 

Combat Breed: 6/10

Blaze Breed: 10/10

Aqua Breed: 4/10 

No. 979: Annihilape

 Local Ape Too Angry To Live

Cross-gen evolutions have historically been hit-or-miss, but I'm proud to announce that this one is very much a Hit. This is a Digimon-core Pokemon, in the best possible way. He's breaking out of his shackles, eyes red with anger, hair standing on end like he's channeling the Ultimate Fist of the Ass-Whuppin', and he does it all without becoming fat or throwing away Primeape's design motifs.

I can't say enough about how much I love what they did with the fur, here. It frays around his shoulders like Akuma's torn gi, hangs down like wise kung-fu master's beard, same for the ears becoming long eyebrows. It also reminds me of the sculptor from Sekiro, or any other sort of ascetic who's thrown away all notions of personal grooming to devote their life to a solitary pursuit. And you can call it super saiyan hair if you want, but I think it looks proper ghostly, waving with wrathful energy.

My only criticism is that the 3D model just has those three extraneous strands of hair floating around as if moored to the model, instead of making the whole hair flicker like flames. But I love this angry bastard so much, I can't hold it against him.

 

Overall: 10/10 

No. 973: Flamigo

 How many shrimps do you have to eat before you make your skin turn pink?

Yeah, Flamigo sucks. I think we all knew this was coming. Some say it's supposed to look like a boxing glove, but I think it looks like a flamingo. Not like it "punches" with its body, anyway. Doesn't even learn any punching moves. It just does flamingo shit.

Maybe if it had proper bird feet instead of flat little paws, there could be some salvaging this? But as it stands, if I saw Flamigo in somebody's yard next to their little gnomes, I'm running them both over with a lawnmover.

 

Overal1: 1/10 

No. 923: Pawmot

Pawmot Patrol

Speaking of throwback elements to older gens, Pawmot carries the tradition of being an ambiguous creature instead of a twist on a specific real-life animal. It's kind of a teddy bear, but listed as the "Mouse Pokemon", and also resembles a hamster? With Popeye arms and Iron Man repulsors blasts? I'm not sure why it's part Fighting-type, but... hey. hold the phone.

This is an evolution of Pawmo? Are we sure it evolved? Or did it just step closer to the camera? Wait, it changed its fur color back to Pawmi's. Why is Pawmo desaturated, then? And what's the difference between Pawmo and Pawmot, larger hair tufts???

Probably the worst case of "it just gets bigger" evolutions, except it still doesn't even look fully-evolved. Maybe just skip from Pawmi straight to this thing, then. But I'm not gonna give it a good review cuz I already spent that goodwill on Pawmo.

I think they maybe planned a proper evolution, but accidentally copied the model for Pawmo over the space where Pawmot was supposed to go, and couldn't figure out how to restore the intended version so they just made Pawmot bigger and called it a day.

Overall: 2/10

No. 922: Pawmo

Pawmo Patrol

Speaking of throwback elements to older gens, Pawmo carries the tradition of being an ambiguous creature instead of a twist on a specific real-life animal. It's kind of a teddy bear, but listed as the "Mouse Pokemon", and also resembles a hamster? With Popeye arms and Iron Man repulsors blasts? I'm not sure why it's part Fighting-type, but Fighting/Electric is a dope typing so hey. It all kinda sorta works.

Also I wanna give it props for actually evolving, all the Pika-clones have just been meaningless single-stage losers but Gen 9 shakes it up. You can say it's a blatant Pikachu ripoff, but I'd say it's an artful homage to the buckwild design ethos of Gen 1.

Overall: 8/10

No. 914: Quaquaval

¡viva fiesta!

I get that this is a reference to the Carnival dancers, and that Quaquaval has turned from a duck into a peacock. But Carnival is usually associated with Brazil, not Spain. And if he's a peacock, he's a freaking ugly one.

You can't see it in this artwork, but Quaquaval summons a halo of water-feathers to act as a tail when in battle. It kinda looks like crap, though. And those Ikki the Phoenix feathers trailing from his hips don't help. Not to mention the bell-bottoms and freaky mutant toes.

Also the overall posture is just really off-putting to me, like why's he cranking that dumpy so far back? Calm down.

Overall: 2/10

No. 903: Sneasler

Juri Han energy.

Whereas Weavile expanded upon the Sneasel theme horizontally, Sneasler takes the vertical approach. Fitting, because it's your mountain-climbing workhorse, as you ride in a silly little basket on its back. I didn't expect this to be a very useful mount, but the last few areas of the game are full of steep cliffs, designed with Sneasler in mind. I enjoyed getting my BotW on, clambering up and then jumping into flight with - ah, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Back to Sneasler. It took my advice, and adds a diabolical hot pink color to the mix of purple and grey. Truly the bad bitch of the Pokemon world, Sneasler looks a little bit silly with that massive noggin on that tiny little neck, but it's practically perfect besides that. While I still wouldn't trust one, I don't have a choice, hanging onto its back 600 feet in the air on the side of a mountain.

Overall: 9/10

Hisuian Sneasel

Here Comes Trouble™

Sneasel was an all-timer design. Hisuian Sneasel is also pretty good, mainly because it doesn't change much besides the paint job! And the new one does a better job selling the Poison aspect of its typing better than the old one did its Ice typing. (I'd say both are equally understood as Fighting and Dark)

if I'm allowed to nitpick, and that's literally my entire job at NAPACE, I think the feathers should have been another color besides Also Purple. Just to stand out more. But aside from that, excellent job. I wouldn't trust Hisuian Sneasel further than I could throw it, but I dig the design.

Overall: 9/10

Hisuian Lilligant

yet another leggy plant broad

I feel like this could have just been Lilligant: Pirouette Forme. Like most of the Hisuian forms, it's just the same typing as the original... but with an added sub-type. In this case, Fighting. idk, I kinda like it when the regional variants are entirely different, like Ice Vulpix and Psychic Articuno and stuff?

regardless, I suppose Hisuian Lilligant is okay. Except the design ideas worked at cross purposes - if it's a graceful ballerina dancer, then it should have thin pointed legs. If it's a kicking fiend, then it needs some real pavement pounders. The compromise has been to design an elegant dancer, except wearing these goofy Peter Pan clogs. 

Actually, this design would have been twice as good if they made it Ice/Fighting and had it be an ice skater instead. With blue leaves instead of green, naturally.

Overall: 5/10

Hisuian Decidueye

You'll have to excuse me, I've been battered with Street Fighter news lately and can't think of anything else 

This artwork is very flattering to Hisuian Decidueye, who most of the time just looks like this:

And here's the thing, I get it. Samurai wear straw short-capes over their shoulders, and straw hats low over their eyes. That's cool! But then they also wear long flowing robes, or mighty armor, not just two long-ass legs sitting out and about. The scary thing is that owls are build like this in real life, they just have feathers such that we only think of them as having cute stubby little legs. So watch out for that.

anyway, while I could be down for a Grass/Fighting road runner, the result looks more like an upside-down teacup with legs running around. The proportions on the artwork are better than in-game, so the design isn't totally lost. Keeping its arms more "out", or longer feathers to create a full cloak, would have worked better.

Overall: 4/10

Bea of Stow-on-Side

stanced up like a Dangan Ronpa character

Galarian Youmu is pretty cool. I'm a fan of the vaccum-sealed midriff, and being martial-arts themed means she plays the sporty aesthetic off well. It's a shame she doesn't end up having much personality or role in the story, though.

But still, how can you hate a karate girl who can hold her own against freaking Machamps?

Overall: 7/10

Gigantamax no. 31: Urshifu

Finishing up the Gigantamaxes, right before the new game's launch~

 

And we're ending with a whimper. I liked Urshifu well enough, but the Gigantamax form is just... the same. Looks like a Shiny, if anything. They're bigger but not any better.

These colors could have been the original colors, and I think it would've been neat! But they have the exact same proportions and everything, it's a weird way to go out. You have an original Pokemon, designed for this generation and its gimmicks, and you couldn't even do anything to be clever about its Gigantamax form? For shame.

Again, the design is still good, because it's just unchanged. But I'm going to give this one a harsh score because of how lazy this feels.

Overall: 200/1000

Gigantamax no. 5: Machamp

imagine the size of that title belt

Machamp feels like a good choice to turn into a kaiju, plus his crest reminds me of Ultraman a bit. But I'm disappointed by the fact that he doesn't grow any more arms, he just puts on pants and gets Cheeto dust all over his hands.

like, Machamp is still really cool, and a giant version that's basically the same is also still really cool, but it feels like they barely even tried here.

Overall: 500/1000

Galarian Zapdos

remember when the Australians lost a war to some emus?

Zapdos was my favorite of the original trio, but the same isn't true for Galarian Zapdos. That's not to say he's bad, simply that the others got even better in Galar. Putting this one on the ground is a bold choice, and required playing with the proportions more than the rest - strong legs, big tail to balance out for the small wings. Which works, for the most part. Being the first Flying/Fighting is a nice distinction, too.

And while I think I still like original Zapdos better, Galarian Zapdos still kicks ass. I regret giving the o.g. a mere 8 back then, because that's where I'd place the revamp, and I'd like to show some difference. Alas, I'm not so cowardly as to go back and edit my old review scores for internal consistency.

Overall: 8/10

No. 892: Urshifu

 Be like water, my friend

Urshifu has a Akira Yuki tstsuzanko going on, and looks pretty badass. I like the studded knuckles, and again the bandanna. Hey, does he have a little bit of chin fuzz going on? They're really swinging for the fences on the bear market, huh.

Now, there's two forms for Urshifu. Single Strike was that first one, and now Rapid Strike. Basically it's Bajiquan vs Tai Chi, as far as styles are concerned. Note how the designs are actually the same, it's just that in Single Strike all the fur is rising up, whereas in Rapid Strike it's flowing down. Kinda neat, but makes it odd you get hard locked into one form or the other, without being able to swap. (for the record, I like Single Strike more) 

Overall: 8/10

No. 891: Kubfu

everybody was kubfu fighting~

I think it's cool that the DLC gives us more new Pokemon, and in general I like the concept more than trying to sell a 3rd game with minimal changes (or two new games like Ultra Sun/Moon). 

Is Kubfu worth the money, though? Eh, kinda. I mean he evolves anyway, but as a basic form he's alright. I dig the Rock Lee eyebrows, and the fur-bandanna. Just a little dude trying his best. I don't like whatever's going on with his feet though.

Overall: 6/10

No. 889: Zamazenta

what the dog doin'

Zamazenta looks like it would form the chest piece of some shitty Megazord toy. I can practically smell the cheap plastic. It looks awkward and not nearly as cool as Zacian. Honestly, if they hadn't just done a lion last gen, making a legendary lion with its mane as a shield might have worked better? Or it could still have come across lame.

Oddly enough, the unarmored form is much better. It still looks plenty armored to be honest, just lacking the garish giant shield. You can appreciate the cool tuft of hair on its head, and see those badass battle scars. For Zacian it was like "ok that's neat I guess" but for Zamazenta this alternate form is actually lifting the rating up from being absolutely miserable.

Overall: 5/10

No. 870: Falinks

Me: I promise I won't form a perfect 256-man Macedonian phalanx tonight

3 Drinks Later:

It's been a while since we had a "swarm" Pokemon, isn't it? Maybe all the way since Exeggcute, or arguably Klinklang? These little guys are adorable with how hard they're trying, it's really charming marching animation and how they rearrange into formation to pivot or make attacks.

I thought they would be Bug/Fighting at first, cuz clearly there's a resemblance to your classic caterpillar or Mario's Wiggler. This confusion isn't helped by Flying still being effecting against them, but at least they went with the single type that maximizes strengths instead of weaknesses. (I love ya, Bug-types, but it's just Not A Good Type)

And since Falinks doesn't evolve, we don't have to worry about which part of the hive-mind survives the evolution! Just assume they all hatch from the same egg, a noble band of brothers. I want one of them to patrol my house and guard my orange juice.

Overall: 8/10