Paldean Tauros

 doing this here with all the other regional evolutions, so I don't forget

For a Spain-inspired region, there's not a whole lot of Spanish flavor in Paldea. But if there's one thing I was looking forward to, it was a bullfighting Pokemon. El toro y el matador, you know? So what they decided to do with this easy layup is... odd, to say the least.

First up, it's just a regional form of Tauros. Which isn't awful, I mean they could have just made a new bull Pokemon, but they already have one, so hey. But when I saw it, I thought it was just a shiny Tauros. Then I noticed its horns were blunted. Somehow, this makes it a Fighting type.

I mean, yes, it is a bull that fights, because bullfighting, so Fighting, that's fine. But wouldn't that make it look, idk, more aggressive? Shouldn't the horns be emphasized, if anything?


Then I realized that there are multiple forms of this regional form, which seems pretty pointlessly confusing, especially since Blaze Breed is easily the best of the lot and should have been the only one. Fire/Fighting is a better combo, it has badass horns, plus the tail being braided into a bullwhip is such a cool detail! It's one of those rare regional forms that's just a straight improvement on the original in every way.


Finally, the Aqua Breed, just seems redundant. Why do we have this water buffalo? This isn't Veggie Tales. Its horns look dumb, and spinning its tails like a propeller in the water is barely anything.

But again, I have to ask: Why are there three of these guys? I would have simply done Blaze Breed on its own, that's Paldean Tauros, no further questions. If there must be multiple, then I suppose Fire and Water are traditional counterparts, whatever. But then why does there exist a third version whose defining characteristic is just "lacks the defining characteristics of the other two"? Especially since you could just use regular Kanto Tauros in that role. I don't get it.

 

Combat Breed: 6/10

Blaze Breed: 10/10

Aqua Breed: 4/10 

No. 980: Clodsire

 act of clod

Clodsire is also quite similar to Quagsire, the main different (besides coloration) being that he's laying down, and his limbs are appropriately short. This is the most plush-able Pokemon of all time. I want a giant one that I can sleep on.

Also, it sprouts spikes from its back when it attacks? is that something salamanders do? seems painful.

like Paldean Wooper, I prefer the original Quagsire, but that doesn't mean Clodsire is bad. In fact, it's wonderful. I wish to achieve the same inner peace that Clodsire demonstrates with its vacant smile.

 

Overall: 10/10 

Paldean Wooper

 whoppity whoop

Wooper was already perfect, so how does the poisonous chocolate version compare? Pretty well! They didn't even feel the need to change its proportions, like they did for Alolan Vulpix and a few others.

Its new antennae sort of look like crossbones, and the pattern on its belly suggest more bones, which I think is supposed to be like how poison bottles have a skull and crossbones on it to let you know pirates are nearby?  let you know it's dangerous? That's neat, I guess.

I dunno, I'm just not sure we really needed a new Wooper - a Newper, if you will - and at the end of the day I kinda like the original one better just cuz it was there first. But there's certainly nothing wrong with Paldean Wooper, if anything it feels like a new Shiny.

 

Overall: 10/10 

No. 979: Annihilape

 Local Ape Too Angry To Live

Cross-gen evolutions have historically been hit-or-miss, but I'm proud to announce that this one is very much a Hit. This is a Digimon-core Pokemon, in the best possible way. He's breaking out of his shackles, eyes red with anger, hair standing on end like he's channeling the Ultimate Fist of the Ass-Whuppin', and he does it all without becoming fat or throwing away Primeape's design motifs.

I can't say enough about how much I love what they did with the fur, here. It frays around his shoulders like Akuma's torn gi, hangs down like wise kung-fu master's beard, same for the ears becoming long eyebrows. It also reminds me of the sculptor from Sekiro, or any other sort of ascetic who's thrown away all notions of personal grooming to devote their life to a solitary pursuit. And you can call it super saiyan hair if you want, but I think it looks proper ghostly, waving with wrathful energy.

My only criticism is that the 3D model just has those three extraneous strands of hair floating around as if moored to the model, instead of making the whole hair flicker like flames. But I love this angry bastard so much, I can't hold it against him.

 

Overall: 10/10 

No. 970: Glimmora

 Will the real glim shady please stand up?

Okay, this artwork doesn't do it justice. Dream World, you're up!

Now that's the stuff! I was spoiled on most of the pokedex before playing the game, but Glimmora was a complete surprise to me, and it was really cool to see this weird flower growing out of the rock and realizing it was a Pokemon.

Again, it might be based on any number of things (to me it resembles an agave) but I think it's also cool to just be a weird freak. It has Starmie or Claydol vibes, which I love. Rock/Poison is a wild typing, and it has a neat niche as the ultimate hazard setter/spinner. The colors are great, too! I just can't get enough of Glimmora's bizarre beauty.

 

Overall: 10/10 

No. 959: Tinkaton

Lil' Miss Trouble

 

When I caught a Tinkatink, and evolved it into Tinkatuff, and looked at the space in the Pokedex to see there was a third form, I immediately predicted its name would be Tinkaton and I was not let down.

Tiny girls with big hammers are scientifically proven to be awesome, it's as simple as that. I love how ridiculously huge the hammer is, and I like the design of it this time, too! It's neat how the core of it is still the rattle from when it was a baby.

In fact, I appreciate how the design aspects grew with each stage of this line: the hair goes from a tiny tuft, to a ponytail, to twintails. Tinkatuff adds metal flanges at the hip, and now Tinkaton has 4 of them. The teeth grow over time, too. It's just really pleasing consistency.

And again, it cannot be stated enough, Tinkaton rocks. I think it's awesome that it knocks Corviknights down out of the sky. Gigaton Hammer is a based move. And her pose when sleeping is adorable.


Overall: 10/10

No. 956: Espathra

 Can't see my Poker Face

 

The colors, the stripes, the triangles, the ruffles... Espathra is an intensely Johto-coded Pokemon, and I love it. The way the bands around the neck and legs aren't just stripes of color, but have actual width to them, is a subtle touch that goes a long way in preserving this old-school feeling.

I love her sassy bob and piercing blue eyes. This is a bird who knows that she's the Queen of the Nile, and expects you to obey accordingly. Being an Egyptian ostrich doesn't have a damn thing to do with whatever Flittle was trying to be, but that's in the past. Now it's Espathra's time. And she is the moment. She is an icon, and she is a legend.


Overall: 10/10

No. 937: Ceruledge

 Swordsoul of Mo Ye

Ceruledge was largely the deciding factor in my choice of Violet over Scarlet. Because as cool as Armarouge is, Ceruledge is even cooler. Twin flaming ghost blades? Sign me the hell up!

Again, I have to stress, this isn't a Pokemon design. And it's not a Digimon, either - it's a Medabot, or a Net Navi, or the star of an indie metroidvania game. But once again I will stress even harder, it's so damn cool I drop any pretense of having standards for stylistic unity. Ceruledge would have changed my brain chemistry if it existed when I was 9 years old.

Aside from everything I said about Armarouge (because most of it still applies), what makes Ceruledge so good is how the swords are done. They flare out when in battle like a lightsaber, and have a cool curve to them instead of just being straight blades, not to mention the way the cross-guard looks like flames itself. The trail of fire rising from its eye is just the cherry on top.

 

...bit weird how Charcadet is clearly meant to evolve into Armarouge, and hardly has any purple at all to justify a Ceruledge connection, but hey. We're ignoring a lot of faults, today. (I know they evolve with items, but in that case how come Armarouge looks like the "default"? Shouldn't Charcadet look unlike either of them, until an outside force interacts with it?)

Overall: 10/10

No. 936: Armarouge

FireMan.EXE

During the lead-up to Sword & Shield, Gamefreak didn't reveal that many Pokemon. For some, this was cool - they wanted to jump into the game unspoiled, with a sense of exploration. For me, who prefers to plan my teams out ahead of time, this was frustrating. I couldn't get excited when I didn't know the whole dex, and the ones they showed were dumbass losers.

 

They did not make the same mistake with Scarlet & Violet.

Armarouge and Ceruledge (we'll get there tomorrow) are freaking awesome. These two kick inordinate amounts of ass, and almost single-handedly convinced me that maybe Gen 9 would cook after all.

No, it doesn't look like a Pokemon. But it's so cool, I don't care. Yes, I thought it's name was Armarogue up until writing this review, because I'm very stupid and always mix up those two words, but that doesn't matter either. The colors are great, the typing is strong, the silhouette and proportions are heroic, the way the pauldrons turn into an arm cannon is sick as hell!

 

Overall: 10/10

No. 920: Lokix

Jack be Loquick

Lokix looks cool as hell and kicks the shit out of anybody who disagrees. Kamen Rider Black was the clear inspiration, which is fine because that also rocks. Lokix benefits from animations, with the way its back legs unfold to scythe at the opponent. I kinda wish it was Steel-type, so that those legs could be chainsaws. But as Bug/Dark, this thing is a Psychic-type's worst nightmare.

And everyone in Paldea knows this thing is awesome, they even made bike helmets using its likeness. Lokix was a core part of my team from the moment it evolved, embarrassing the shit out of Spidops.

Overall: 10/10

Hisuian Braviary

Feathery Flying God

Only unlocked once you're almost done with the game, Hisuian Braviary's flight somehow manages to not-quite-trivialize every other mode of Poke-transportation. Which is an achievement of game design, I think! You still need Sneasler to gain significant height. It's still more convenient to use Wyrdeer and Basculegion for short distances. But at the same time, Hisuian Braviary is so useful for scanning the terrain from afar, moving long distances, and getting the hell out of dodge when things get dicey. The way all the mounts flow from one to another as you trigger them feels nice, and it's put to the test wonderfully in that last obstacle course challenge. (we don't talk about Ursaluna here)

As for the Pokemon itself... well, it doesn't disappoint. Unova's Braviary was already a legend, and Hisuian Braviary manages to kick it up a notch. Giant psychic birds with flaming psycho-kinetic crest? Sign me up. This is one of the best Pokemon in the whole region, and even if the old HM system where I needed one to use Fly, I'd make it a mainstay on my team. Which is not something I often say about bird Pokemon!

Overall: 10/10

Melony of Chircester

forget Pikmin 4 I need HER 

Gamefreak gotta lot of nerve, making a stone-cold milf in the game and naming her Melony. Like how can I not make the obvious joke? But I'll resist, this is a Family blog, after all. (side note: anyone reading this with their family - there are probably better ways to spend your time together.)

I'm not sure if Frosmoth was designed first, or Melony, but they're perfect for each other. Big round soft maternal energy. She seems to have hooves instead of feet, but I can get over that. Just a really nice design, and check out the hidden triforce in her logo:

Whereas Bea and Allister are unconnected, aside from Ghost and Fighting being sorta opposites, Melony and Gordie have a cool little storyline, where she wanted him to become an Ice trainer and take over the gym, but he wanted to rock out as a Rock trainer. And depending on if you play Sword or Shield, I guess you see a different side of that argument.

Overall: 10/10

Opal of Ballonlea

Triplets of Bellville (or would that be Solo of Bellville?)

You know how I ragged on Allister for the confusing theme? Opal has no such problems, because she's just a bad bitch. Sure, she's wearing the glove, but there's no attempt to be "sporty" here. Just old lady cotton candy drip.

Opal is seriously amazing, she's reached the age where she no longer gives a shit and just does whatever she wants. Yubaba vibes.

And the way she forcibly adopts Bede to snap him out of his emo phase... it's too good. She's just the best, and that gigantic poof around her neck gives her a unique top-heavy silhouette.

Overall: 10/10

Kabu of Motostoke

The Professional

I love this guy. He's not really doing anything for his typing, but he's committed to the Footballer bit like no other. I've never seen so muscular knees. Kabu has "wily veteran" vibes, he's an older statesman of the league but still just as sharp as ever.

And I dig the extra detail we get about him - he's originally from Hoenn, but came to Galar to compete. Then he even dropped to the minor leagues before bouncing back. Dude has had a goddamn career, and I bet if you include his Hoenn stats he'd be an easy all-timer. It's cool how you get a preview of Motostoke before making the loop to actually attempt his gym, it's a great build-up and makes that first third of Sword/Shield the strongest part.

His logo amazing, btw. A samurai-style kabuto helmet, but also a reference to his ace Pokemon Centiskorch! If I lived in Galar, I think I'd definitely be a Kabu fan. Not only does he use one of my favorite Pokemon from the region, but I want to see the ol' gunslinger lace 'em up one more time and show those kids a thing or two.

Overall: 10/10

Gigantamax no. 27: Blastoise

Fortress Whale, eat your heart out

okay now this is what I'm talking' about! Blastoise turning into a giant fortress is exactly the sort of cool idea that only makes sense if the Pokemon itself is actually that big. Instead of its guns getting larger, it just gets MORE of them. My guy looks like he's got several battleships worth of gunnery on there.

Blastoise is already great, and while this doesn't replace the original, or look like a potential 4th evolution, it works perfectly as a temporary power-up mode. In other words, it's one of the few Gigantamax designs that's actually doing its job.

Overall: 1000/1000

Gigantamax no. 22: Grimmsnarl

bow down before a true mon ami

Gigantamax Grimmsnarl is absolutely awesome. Let's get that out of the way first. Those proportions read like Lordgenome's Lazengann, and I think it's really neat how the red linework stands out with his black hairy body.

To make it even better, did you know he has a freakin' drill kick? Reminds me of a Skullgirls character,it's beyond sick. His special attack animation is this smug "begone with you, tiresome worm" gesture that he's doing in the artwork. It's a ton of personality conveyed via animations, when most Gigantamax Pokemon just kinda... stomp around and roar. But Gigantamax Grimmsnarl is too cool for that.

Somebody put this guy in Pokken 2, I don't care if you have to scale him down. In fact, I'll just rip off his design and put him into my own fighting game, with even more shape-shifting moves using that coat of hair.

Overall: 10/10

Gigantamax no. 20: Centiskorch

fruit by the foot

I loved Centiskorch. and Gigantamax Centiskorch is just the same, but longer. Which also makes it awesome. When you scale up a "long" Pokemon like this, it makes sense to increase the length more than would be proportional. The red-hot underbelly is sick, but really there's not any new design ideas here.

Still, this is another one I would have been fine to see as the final evolution of the line (although not as large, obviously), and it looks like a terrifying road of flames come to life. Elder Centipede up in this bitch!

Overall: 1000/1000

Gigantamax no. 12: Melmetal

Seven metals melting

Okay this one goes hard. I'm a huge fan of big shoulders and big ol' punchy fists. I think you could slightly adjust the proportions and pass this off as a 3rd-stage evolution. Call it Meltyblud or something, idk

Gigantamax Melmetal would also work as a kaiju, I can imagine it attacking an Electric plant and hacking it to shut off all the power. And using its mercurial bits to ooze around people and absorb them. And then when they think they killed it... all the nuts fall to the ground, but the metal escapes, and re-forms using something else as its base!

Overall: 1000/1000

Galarian Darmanitan

GORILLA TACTICS

No matter the region, this line stays winning. Galarian Darmanitan seems more chill (hah) than the OG, covering up that manic grin with a Santa Claus beard, and the flaming eyebrows with a wobbly afro. When viewed from behind, it makes the visual impression of a snowman, which is kinda nice I guess but feels a bit unnecessary considering the Zen Form this time is LITERALLY a snowman. So I would've done something else with the head, maybe just big frosty brows?

But still, it's a good design. and I appreciate the ability to turn off your brain and return to Monke with its ability, powering up a move but locking you into using ONLY that move. This can be combined with Choice Scarf to make it a goddamn terror.

But that's not all! The Zen Form gimmick returns, although I don't know if it's better than simply brute forcing things with Gorilla Tactics. But it does solve some problems the original had - this Zen mode still procs when at 50% HP, but it makes Galarian Darmanitan faster and even stronger, instead of reducing speed and swapping its primary damage statlines. And it becomes the series' first Ice/Fire type, which is neat!

I think the design is almost good, but the flaming carrot nose is positioned just a bit too high up between the "eyes", looking like a horn instead of the nose. Nice to see the psychotic grin return, though.

All in all, no matter how you look at it, Galarian Darmanitan is a lot of fun to use and kick ass.

Overall: 10/10

Galarian Moltres

like a phoenix from the ashes

OH YEAH THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! Moltres was the weakest of the Kanto trio, but Galarian Moltres is the best of the new generation. And that's saying something, as the other two are quite good as well!

But you just can't beat the godlike color scheme of Brett "The Hitman" Hart, especially not when it's all on fire like that. Honestly this thing barely resembles Moltres anymore, with the hooked beak, but that's fine because Moltres was a big dumb chicken and Galarian Moltres is some avenging spirit of flaming majesty.

Overall: 10/10