Team Plasma of New Unova

These losers returned for Round 2 in Black/White 2. While I think that's probably the best overall game in the series, it wasn't because of the evil team.


Somebody's been playing Metal Gear Solid! Grunts looking like they got dat MGS1 Sneaking Suit on. Except berets with big goofy stitching on them. Also, the masks just covering the mouths look strange for some reason. They've forgone the out-of-place crusader theme, so they're just generic Bad Guys from a Mission Impossible movie, now.

Grunts: 5/10


oh christ who's this fat piece of shit

It's Zinzolin, who has a bizarre name and even stranger fashion. Not content to wear the world's tallest ushanka hat, he's also wrapped himself in a queen-size comforter and strapped it to himself with velcro. He might not even be all that fat, actually. He's just bundled up like the snuggiest bug for a snow day. I guess Unova was freezing over at the time, but still.

Zinzolin: 1/10


Trying to take this years' "Least Probable Hairstyle", it's Corless, the new face of Plasma. He's a scientist, which is something the logic-challenge Plasma desperately needed. And lab coats almost always look good, they're basically the only times in modern society you can acceptably wear a longcoat and stride around the inside of facilities and people will take you seriously. And I would take Corless seriously, except for the water slide going on around the top of his head. Shit looks a Tamashi Nations Wind Effect piece just glued up there. Maybe he doesn't even know he has it? Could it be a giant parasitic worm, and everyone's pretending not to notice? He'd be great without it, but I gotta dock serious points here.

Corless: 7/10


Finally, we got old man Ghetsis again. He has a cloak made out of Pride from FMA, that's pretty dope. And I think that's Sora's Keyblade? and Vegeta's Scouter? Why he looking like he's going to an anime convention and couldn't find a cosplay in time so he just threw on every piece of merch he owned? The cape is seriously bitching, but the rest I don't care for. At least it's better than his last gaudy outfit.

Ghetsis: 6/10



Amazingly, Plasma comes out BETTER in their renewed form. I think cutting away the faux-medieval theme was a smart choice, even if they're still lacking in cohesion. Oh, I forgot to mention the Shadow Triad, who showed up in both incarnations of the team, but were strangely underused and never really explained, nor do they have any official art. It's like they're shadows, lost to the world... but seriously, if Gamefreak cannot give enough of a crap to produce official art, then I won't give enough of a crap to review them. They were ninjas. That doesn't fit with anything else. Plasma is just a mess, okay? But at least Neo Plasma is a little fancier mess - like your cat threw up some caviar, instead of just kibble.

Overall: 3/10

Team Plasma of Unova

Remember when Gamefreak said that Black and White would have a better story than previous Pokemon games? I still laugh when I think back to those days.



Obviously, the thing that makes the most sense for a NYC-inspired region is a gang of radicalists who dress like knights. Aside from the random stitching on the hood, these are solid designs. Except, are they seriously supposed to be chainmail? If so, then cool! But why the hell are they wearing chainmail? If not, then that makes even less sense. I can understand not dressing like thugs, because they consider themselves "justice". But why knights? They didn't have a "Knights of the Round" theme going on at all, that could've been kinda cool. Anyway, my complaints are mainly about the appropriateness of the design, not the design itself. It's a decent look for low-level Paladin NPCs in some video game that isn't Pokemon.

Grunts: 8/10


There are no admins, just some old sages who don't really matter until BW2, so it's just Ghetsis running the show. And I think he's supposed to be dressed like a king, but holy shit why does he have an entire castle parapet on his shoulders? And what's with the gigantic eyes? and the scouter? Dude looks like he came straight outta Nausicaa. It's a weird, funky design, and feels "pagan" in a neat sort of way. I actually don't hate it, but I question it fitting in this environment. It also feels like it has very little to do with the Medieval theme that's been "established" - it's just too weird, for how by-the-book the Grunts are.

Ghetsis: 5/10


Then we have N, who really serves as your rival in this game. You also have Cheren and Bianca and Hilbert/Hilda running around, but since none of them are actually opposed to you at all, there's no tension. N conflicts with the player on an ideological level - you wanna catch 'em all, he wants to set 'em all free. The manner in which his ideology was just sort of hand-waved away, despite him being able to literally talk to Pokemon, was a main failing of the game's plot.

But let's talk design. He's cool! I'm saying this about everybody here, but they're all fairly alright designs - they just feel like they come from three completely different games, much less the same goddamn organization. Did N not get the memo? At least Ghetsis made some shit with paper-mache and stuff, N just walked out with his casual clothes on. I dig the style, big fan of Terry Bogard-style hats, light-green and monochrome make a cool visual look. but jesus what is he doing looking like this and being "the King" of Team Plasma. He looks confident but relaxed, and would have made a great proper Rival, maybe the best since Gary Oak.

n = x/10, when x = 9



So yeah, Team Plasma is stupid and couldn't decide on a theme. Why are they a "team" anyway, shouldn't they be a Cult? or a Kingdom? or an Order? And why "Plasma" of all things? None of it makes any sense. Their motivation seems promising at first, but then it's quickly revealed that N is maybe the only person in the entire group who genuinely believes in their cause. The rest are just going along with Ghetsis to steal Pokemon. And I still don't get N - he can talk to Pokemon, and heard from them about how awful people are, and how they want to be free, right? So why does all that get brushed under the rug? Just because you the Player are a good trainer, doesn't mean everybody else in the entire world is. Maybe there ARE some Pokemon who don't want to live and breed for the purpose of fighting. But the way the story goes, it paints N as just being flat-out wrong - Pokemon actually love this shit. It's like they called up Michael Vick's dogs at his trail as witnesses, and the dogs admitted they actually are totally into fighting each other.

I mean, for the sake of the series, the Player has to be the moral one. You can't admit that PETA was right all along. I just feel like, despite intended to introduce some morally grey subjects, the end result was very (wait for it) Black and White.

To wrap it up, "Team Plasma" fails at everything, from name, to organization, to goals, to cohesive costume design.

Overall: 1/10

Alder of the Unova Elite Four

Akuma's good twin

They both have similar red hair, tan skin, and wear ragged pants with sandals and a necklace of oversized balls. Except Akuma dresses in black, and Alder in white. And a poncho really isn't anything like a karate gi, so there's that. Just an interesting design coincidence, I think.

I like Alder a lot, though. Like Akuma, he's wild. He's a traveler, a pilgrim, a wanderer. Going from town to town, healing the hearts and Pokemon of everyone he meets. Also he's got an actual backstory, going along with the Gen 5 theme of attempting to flesh out the NPCs a little more - he used to be blindly chasing power, but then his Starter died and he had to reconsider his entire life-view.

With all that said, I think his two-tone hair is stupid and too large. There, I said it.


Overall: 8/10

Caitlin of the Unova Elite Four

the widest trainer portrait of all time?

Possibly! Her hat is also ponderously huge - don't let her hair trick you, look at how wide her face is, and then at the hat. That's insane! Also insane is the fact that she has levitating hearts holding up the edges of her hair, like Snow White's bluebirds or something.

In any case, she's a Psychic-type user, but I think that's only because Fairy wasn't invented yet. She strikes me as a sort of Russian fairy tale princess dealie. Which sort of overlaps when Iris becomes champion, because now you have two girls in pink dresses taking up a ton of space, but eh.

Interesting to note, is that she actually appeared in Platinum!

Her hair wasn't as ludicrous back then, and she looks significantly younger, too. I'm sure this is helpful for those of you putting together the Official Pokemon Game Timeline. Me, I think she Mega Evolved.

And despite the fact that I called her "insane" several times, I don't hate that about her. Dat Godiva hair, yo.


Overall: 6/10

Grimsley of the Unova Elite Four

Loki up in this bitch

How come he got a chair, though? Is that allowed? Followup question - is it allowed just because he's a dracula? Because he's clearly a dracula. Either that or someone's humanization of a Honchkrow. Or maybe he's Kaiki from Nisemonogatari.

In any case, he's got a stylish suit and doesn't wear socks. The former is cool, the latter bothers me for some reason. Like, did he forget them? won't his ankles get cold? Or is he an undead monstrosity whose blood runs cold already, so he doesn't care?

You really can't go wrong with a red-and-black suit when you want a character to look Dark, so Grimsley delivers on that regard. And I think the yellow scarf gives him a little touch of uniqueness, setting him apart from other characters with similar designs.

So Gamefreak is obviously capable of creating awesome Dark-type Elite Four members, so why can't we get a Dark gym already!?


Overall: 10/10

Marshal of the Unova Elite Four

guess who's back. back again. Shady's back. tell a friend.

Marshal trains hard, you can tell just by looking at him. He's the kind of guy who wakes up at 4am, does 700 squats and 800 push-ups, chops a tree down, runs through a freezing river with an oxen over his shoulders, and then does burpees until someone has to call the fire department.

But his design just isn't working for me. First odd, those pants are too baggy. I'm all for baggy pants, as I believe I've stated in the past, but it needs tight-fitting upperbody clothing to go with it. Wearing some sort of strange baggy vest with a popped collar, and then your goddamn obi around it... that ain't cool.

Furthermore, his color scheme is off. He looks like someone hit him with the "negative" filter in photoshop. And while I just praised Shauntal for using the same shade of red throughout her costume, dying your hair and teeth to match? really? Like your training, you've taken it too far, Marshal.


Overall: 3/10

Marlon of Humilau City

Marlon, you know, like Marlin? From Finding Nemo?

This dude got the most severe tan line I've ever seen. My man could get a job as the Coppertone model. Dude looks like he was made by one of those mix-n-match books, and his legs came from a different person than the rest of his body. Call this dude Michael Jackson because he's Black and White. Or better yet, call him Gen 5, for the same reason. My guy just caught himself a fresh bag of Pokeballs, no clue where he even got that, did he buy them at the store? did he put them in the water to wash them off? But let's get back to his skintone.

How do his feet stay so pale, though? Does he wear flippers or footie pajamas all the time or what? Trust me, you hang out at the beach, your feet get some sun. How the hell did he keep those things so pristine? does he just stand waist-deep in the water for hours at a time?

But hold up, there's more - the hair. You see it sparkle? How does he do that? is it sea-salt, crusted in his hair? does he have a shark fin up there, is that what that is?

Also those pants are, and I mean this with the utmost respect, the fruitiest things I have seen all year. Looking like what Elton John would wear to swim class.

Marlon makes me laugh, but let's be honest - it's an awful, awful design that tries to be something but gets confused about which fetishes exactly it's supposed to be catering to, and splashes spectacularly. I would not trust a man with a gym when he can't even remember his Sun-bloc.


Overall: 1/10

Roxie of Virbank City

Punk Rock Girl! What do you see? Punk Rock Girl! Please look at me!

Anybody with a Scolipede guitar is pretty damn cool. Roxie combines this with an oversized sweater and boots, for a certainly unique appearance.

She's a Poison-type trainer, which is unusual, since it's one of the last popular types and Gamefreak tends to associate it only with villains. But I think it works well, in being both somewhat edgy but also appealing, like Roxie herself.

Also that's a strange combination of black, blue, and purple that I don't think I've seen before. Things like this make Roxie much better than Lenora (who she replaced), and actually I quite like her. I think it would be different if she were a Tank Girl-style punk, or like Poison from Street Fighter, but a little girl trying to be hardcore but her dad won't let her? now that's interesting.


Overall: 9/10

Cheren of Aspertia City

Despite being saddled with a woman's name, Cheren seems to have made something of himself.

I thought the idea of multiple "rivals" was cool in Black and White - more opportunities for recurring characters is good, it helps tie the overall story together and increase the feeling of being in a real, functioning world.

Even cooler, is that in the sequel, Cheren and Bianca got jobs as a Gym Leader and Professor, respectively! I liked it when Blue took over Viridian city, and I like this as well. The thing I gotta ask though, is - what happened to the other gyms that got replaced? Were they just decided to be so shit that they got kicked out? Because I could understand that.

In any case, Cheren is the 1st gym leader you face in BW2, and he's a Normal specialist. So in other words, he's pretty much as generic and safe as you can possibly get. But that's kind of what you want from a first boss, right? Eh, sorta. At least it gets the boring crap out of the way early.

In the end, I suppose I like the idea of past characters re-appearing in new roles more than I like Cheren himself. Who is wearing two ties and a pair of pants so tight I'm worried he's cutting off circulation in his calves.


Overall: 4/10

Iris of Opelucid City

Jesus girl, calm the eff down

Perhaps to balance out the sheer amount of man Drayden brought to the table, the other possible Opelucid City gym leader is Iris, who is basically Willow Smith before she got pretentious like her brother. She's cute and energetic, and that hair could smother you to death. And I guess it's kind of funny that the 8th gym leader and master Dragon-trainer could be this little girl.

What's less funny, is that she somehow becomes Champion in Black/White 2.

And suddenly, I'm reading her as a soiled brat whose daddy let her be Champion for a day, and she's just messing everything up. Those sleeves are far too big, that is like sleeping bag diameter, not sleeve diameter. She looks like she tried to tame her hair, or at least reel it in, but it ends up somehow looking messier. And what the hell is that pink ribbon dingle doing, how is it even staying on?

She was fine at first, but this little princess has gone to far. She is making a mockery of the position of Champion. Do you think Cynthia, Blue, Lance, or Steven would stand for this? Hell no.


Overall: 5/10

Drayden of Opelucid City

The second best Mayor in video games, after Mike Haggar (R -Metro City) of course.

He seems pretty in-control, with those business suspenders in action. Another trait he shares with Haggar. Except Drayden wears two of them, and his have spikes, which is admittedly hardcore.

But I confess I'm distracted by his... well, I can only assume it's facial hair. It doesn't really resemble any beard I've ever seen, given that it contains no mouth-hole, just a seamless expanse of white.Which also comes up around his nose in a manner seems upside down? or something? It's not natural, is my point.

So while Drayden might not really appear that Dragonic, he at least is a total badass, someone I'd expect to see in the final town or Elite Four. so he's living up to his stature in that regard. Also his town had the best music, just sayin'.

But seriously what the eff is up with that mustache


Overall: 7/10

Brycen of Icirrus City

[kabuki intensifies]

For some reason, Brycen feels out of place in Black and White. He seems to me like he ought to be from the Gold and Silver games. Possibly because his limited color pallette seems very easy to accomplish on the GBC, and possibly because in my head I'm conflating Pryce and Falkner.

In any case, I never got much of a read on him. He's stoic, I guess? But also theatrical? Or rather, he also has a job as an actor. Man, what is it with these gym leaders all picking up part-time jobs? is job security that poor for being a Gym Leader? (I guess it is, seeing as how a good number of them were replaced by the time BW2 came out)

So I got nothing against the guy, except that I now realize his hair hangs down despite also going up in a braid. That's really freaking stupid, just do the braid and lose the rest.


Overall: 5/10

Skyla of Mistralon City

Does she remind anyone else of Mega Man? Or is it just me?

But seriously, between Skyla here and Elesa, I'm detecting an uptick in the fanservice department. Especially with the Black/White female protagonist wearing Daisy Dukes. And I can't say I'm complaining, no sirree, I'm just saying I'm noticing it.

Last time we had a Flying-type gym leader lady, she was utterly forgettable. I think she was wearing a flight jumpsuit of some sort? Maybe with wings on her head? In any case, Skyla obviously took the lesson - to get remembered, show some skin and get a nice tan because it's bikini season in Unova or something.

Skyla's got a spunky personality, a propeller in her hair, and makes a flight suit look good. What's not to like?


Overall: 8/10

Clay of Driftveil City

The only hard part of Black &White. But maybe that's because 4 out of my 6 Pokemon were Weak to ground, and I didn't have a single Pokemon Good against it...

I kind of like this take on the classic Cowboy. Instead of being yeehaw 'merica, he's basically an oil tycoon. Which is a stereotype I don't see that much anymore.

So I mean, Clay could have run with it a bit more. Maybe an all-white suit, more rhinestones and fringe, I don't know. And as it is, he's got quite a bit of colors going on. I think it's the patch of blue on his crotch that's bugging me, I wish he just wore brown pants, or just blue jeans. The chaps look odd.

Still, he's alright. No Elesa, but a far cry from the infamous Busboy Bros,


Overall: 5/10

Elesa of Nimbasa City

"Let it go, let it - " oh wait, Elesa, not Elsa. Nevermind.

She's stylish, she's poised, she's hip, and I can't decide if those are flesh-colored panels on her front, or actual cut-outs. I'm hoping for the latter.

Elesa is really cool. Not only does she have her colors down, but her heaphones look like gigantic earbuds, except maybe the tips of those cords can be used to electrocute people. I don't know.

But I do know that she's hella chic, and so the nation-wide search for an exemplary Unova Gym Leader at last comes to an end - we've found our girl. Her gym is also pretty cool, and I liked her hometown a lot as well. I spent more time there than I did in the supposed "big city" of Castellia.


I'm not sure I like her second outfit as much, because it seems a little too lady Gaga for me. I guess that's the point, because she's a fashion model? But the gigantic puffy coat really isn't working thematically with her swimear-looking outfit, and you've lose the earbud connection with her headphones, meaning the random red just seems... random.

It's like she Mega Evolved, and turned out about as well as most Megas. And since I took previous redesigns into account, I'm afraid this has to count against her overall score. A pity.


Overall: 8/10

Burgh of Castelia City

this man came dressed as a fruit salad

Is it too much to ask for a manly Bug specialist? Isn't Kamen Rider a thing for you, Japan? Instead we keep getting androgynous little boys and effeminate men. But for what he is, I kinda like him.

His hair is fabulous, and dat color coordination is godlike. Also dig that butterfly belt buckle. And how he lined up the stripes on his belt to match the stripes on his pants, because when you look this good you don't do things half-way.

Also this guy has more than one iron in the fire - he's a successful artist, so even if this whole Gym Leader thing doesn't pan out, he'll be okay. I respect that.

However, he's only tangentially Bug-related. Honestly looks like he would be at home in an Elite Four group, where they seem to be more lax with how thematical you dress.

The search for a good Unova gym leader continues.


Overall: 5/10

Lenora of Nacrene City

Arguably offensive?

On one hand, she's pretty much your usual Mammy caricature - a large black woman with red lips, an apron, and a headscarf. Except I don't really feel any malicious intent here - just a sort of misguided attempt at someone in Nintendo telling Gamefreak to include "more diversity", and unfortunately Japan's idea of black people is restricted to Bob Sapp and google images.

And even if you don't feel offended, Nintendo clearly decided that something needed to change, because after a short while they removed the apron from her artwork and anime appearances. I don't remember hearing any noise about it at the time, so probably it was just an internal decision once the game got into the hands of NOA's marketers.

Unfortunately, even setting that aside, Lenora is still boring. Normal-type leaders tend to be, and she just feels like she hasn't really gotten into her role yet. I guess her gym was fossil themed? She could do a lot more to look like an archaeologist, historian, explorer, something.

Again, she's just not worth getting offended about, or even caring about at all. It's an ironic shame the first black Gym Leader is so... vanilla.


Overall: 3/10

Cress of Striation Gym

what the metaphorical shit


This sumbitch named Cress, which isn't anything I think a man have any business being named. And his Japanese name is Corn, which is not only utterly irrelevant but also stupid as hell.

Because I mean seriously - dude looks like he got a head like Max & Cheese when they did that Shrek crossover with the blue food coloring instead of orange. Droopy goopy meatball on a stick pastaroni head.

Is he supposed to be the "cool" one? Or, god forbid, the "sexy" one? I balk at the very idea. Ladies  in the audience, back me up on this one - would you want this dopey Dr. Suess-ass piece of shit serving you wine and parfaits and biz? I wouldn't. I'd punch him in the face, or maybe give him the Stone Cold Stunner.

I also hate his pose, "did I do that?"-style bullshit, get out of here, man. There's no way anyone gave this loon control of a gym. Actually, the reason they all share the gym is probably because it takes three of them to do the job of a normal human being.

If I had to pick two words to describe the abomination I see before me, they would be ABSOLUTE and ASS.


Overall: 1/10

Chili of the Striation Gym

Oh hell I hate guys like this

You know the type, that anime character who only shouts and fist-pumps all the time and can't shut up about how FIRED UP he is, and basically just acts a fool and gets everyone else in trouble but then thinks he can laugh it off. Black * Star is literally the only time this character has been done right. And possibly Takeshi Sendou of Hajime no Ippo, but I'd argue his character has a bit more nuance to it.

Anyway, Chili has an ass for a head and a head for an ass. He's unrealistically hyped up about being a shitty gym leader in a podunk little town, where he acts as a goddamn waiter. And he makes sure to try and type-trump your starter, like a douche.

Now, chili gives me gas, but I would've give a single fart for Chili. I can't even imagine how he thinks he could look like anything even remotely approaching a "cool person".


Overall: 1/10

Cilan of Striation Gym

oh god what day is it. what year is it. HAVE I REALLY BEEN ASLEEP FOR SO LONG!?

Yeah, sorry about that. Came down with a bad case of "new job" and though I remain unfortunately employed, I would feel awful letting an entire month go by without a single post.

A pity Cilan is what I have waiting for me. This rutabaga of a human being is so utterly devoid of personality, one might confuse him for a bit of topiary, or perhaps an unusually large speck of dust on your glasses.

His name is Cilan because his Japanese name is Dent and that doesn't make any goddamn sense. Cilantro is at least something related to plants, which he uses. Also he replaced Brock in the anime, for some unknown reason.

But mostly I hate that he's a waiter. I have a pathological hatred of waiters, especially hoity-toity ones like this. He probably expects a 25% tip regardless of his service. Tough luck, chump - just as I balk at sales tax, I balk at tipping. Oh, of course I do it, but I hate it.

"Oh don't mess with waiters they'll spit in your food" I hear you say. Screw that noise, no other profession has to be bribed to NOT be a total ass. I'm sorry you aren't paid well enough, maybe you should unionize and do something about it. Just mark up those "tips" into the menu ahead of time and we'll go from there. I hate the feeling of buying a nice 10 dollar meal and then having to scrounge around for the extra dollar fiddy. Europe, despite being our backwards cousins in other regards, at least has this figured out.

So yeah Cilan can choke on it. But he gets a bonus point because his brothers are even worse.


Overall: 2/10