No. 989: Sandy Shocks

I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere.

No, see, this is where I draw the line. What do you mean, there's an ancient Magneton? The Pokemon that's not only overtly a modern creation, but also the combination of three other Pokemon? You're telling me it used to be one thing, who just so happened to look like a modern-day screws and magnets, and then split up and developed a new baby form?

That's ridiculous. Go home. You're drunk. Why would you even consider Magneton, among all the possible options, to make an "ancient" version of. And it doesn't even float, but walks around on big bendy legs???

 

Overall: 1/10 

No. 983: Kingambit

 Fu Rin Ka Zan

I hate that Kingambit sucks. I wish he was good. But he's not. He looks like a Mega Evolution, and I mean that in the most derogatory way possible. Gigantic crest and mustache that make him look unbalanced, and impractical protruding rib-blades. (although they're arguably more convenient than Bisharp's, since they act as a cage but allow him to keep his arms at his sides)

And then there's the stupid freaking hair-chair. I know he's modeled after a samurai general, specifically Takeda Shingen, squatting on his stool as he surveys the battle, but the fact that he doesn't even get his lazy ass up to walk around, but floats on it is insulting. Some people will tell you that he's moving like a chess piece, as if that makes it any better. It's still dumb as shit. I hate that his hair becomes the stool, too. It makes him look like one of those early Amiibos where they had random plastic chunks to prop up the figures.

If you size-down the crest and 'stache and ribs, take away his hair stool, and let him stand up, the underlying body construction isn't bad. But we don't live in that reality, and that makes it hurt all the more.

 

Overall: 1/10 

No. 982: Dudunsparce (for real)

Maybe Pokemon was a mistake.

I decided Dunsparce was my least-favorite Pokemon a long time ago, and since then Gamefreak has tested my patience every generation by introducing some new freak to despise. They finally won in Generation 8, with Calyrex, who dislodged Dunsparce from his throne of failure and assumed the role as my official Least-Favorite Pokemon of All Time.

But don't for a second make the mistake of thinking I've forgiven Dunsparce.

No, I still hate that blind cave bastard, and when I look at this misbegotten evolution I admit to taking a sick pleasure from all the idiots who thought this was a Feebas situation, that the ugly duckling would evolve into a beautiful swan. Bitch, you're not even a duckling. 

Dunsparce does not deserve happiness, it does not deserve to be "saved" with a cool evolution. What it deserves is to be forgotten, but if we must revisit the dunce, I think this is the best possible outcome. Double down on its ridiculous stupidity. Dunsparce cannot be redeemed or improved, it can simply be increased. Now there's twice as much Dunsparce. Does this make anyone happy? I doubt it.

 

Overall: 1/10

 

P.S. it has come to my attention that there exists a three-segment version of Dudunsparce. I think this is highly perverse, and will not be acknowledging it.
 
 

No. 973: Flamigo

 How many shrimps do you have to eat before you make your skin turn pink?

Yeah, Flamigo sucks. I think we all knew this was coming. Some say it's supposed to look like a boxing glove, but I think it looks like a flamingo. Not like it "punches" with its body, anyway. Doesn't even learn any punching moves. It just does flamingo shit.

Maybe if it had proper bird feet instead of flat little paws, there could be some salvaging this? But as it stands, if I saw Flamigo in somebody's yard next to their little gnomes, I'm running them both over with a lawnmover.

 

Overal1: 1/10 

No. 966: Revavroom

 Va-va-voom? You forgot one "va", and it was the most important one!

A confused Pokemon. Clearly it has a mouth, below the eye as most mouths are, but actually its mouth is up top and has a big floppy tongue. And I'm all for bringing back tongues in Pokemon, but the placement bothers me - either put the eyes up there, too, or don't put a false mouth down below!

Also, let's talk about the whole concept: It floats like a Ghost and has a body made of Rock, but it's Steel/Poison. Sure, a toxic engine would be Steel/Poison, but possessed objects tend to be ghostly (especially how Varoom floats around). And why's it got the rock wheels if it isn't going to be Rock? There's too much going on, here!

Like, any attempt to "ground Revavroom in reality" by going "well it can't literally be a car Pokemon, it has to be naturalistic, like it uses rocks as wheels" should have immediately gone out the window by realizing you're making a car engine Pokemon. Screw reality, just make a haunted car or whatever!

At least it has some semblance of a design, but I still think it's really weird. 

 

Overall: 2/10 

No. 965: Varoom

Parooooomba

What exactly am I looking at, here? An internal organ from some mechanical beast? Spare parts for Fred Flintstone's car? Some sort of AI-generated hallucination? Whatever it is, it sucks, and I want it to go away.

 

Overall: 1/10 

No. 964: Palafin

Neo Spacian Aqua Dolphin
 
So I don't wanna spend more than 10 seconds on Zero Form, it's literally just Palafin but with a heart on it. What we really came here for is Hero Form.

I love the concept here. Dolphins are known to rescue shipwrecked people, so it's an easy leap from that heroic image to an actual superhero, and from there to this "alter-ego quick-change" gimmick. (let's just ignore the reality that dolphins are often aggressive and cruel irl) And the way that gimmick is incorporated into the battle system really well - you have to swap him out, so he can duck into a phone booth to change. Fun!

The problem comes in the execution of the design. Palafin looks like a dork. His goggles are screwed in too tight, looking like Kurt Angle on that one episode of TNA. Then his tail becomes an un-dolphin-like split so that he can stand up, which is pointless because he's a water type - they don't need to stand up. They can just levitate in the animations. (which would also be a very superhero thing to do!) Also, he's got fingers but not a thumb. This just looks wrong.

But the biggest mistake is in giving him this Dracula-esque collar. Spawn and Dr. Strange are maybe the only heroes who use that, so it's a very odd design choice - especially when you think about how it would ruin the hydrodynamic shape! And come to think of it, where's the cape? He's even got the fasteners on his shoulders, but no cape? Just a collar? It's bizarre, and looks stupid.

btw, I don't understand why this had to be a two-stage evolution Pokemon. idk if you can even call it dex padding, because they still had to make two distinct designs, but. It's one more weird oddity dragging down what should be a really fun Pokemon. I'm rating it lower just because of how disappointed I am.

 

Overall: 2/10

No. 962: Bombirdier

 Watch For Rolling Rocks

I hate Bombirdier. If it didn't have that bib, and was just a crane, I could actually dig it somewhat. Still a generic flying feathery asshole, but it would be fine.

Unfortunately, it has this dumbass bib, and it can't not have it, because that's its whole gimmick. It holds rocks in the bib like the stork delivering babies, and drops them on people. And honestly, a bird that specializes in rock-throwing could be cool! Maybe related to Sinbad's Roc, y'know? But instead, it's this crap.

If it was even a beard, that might kinda work! But it isn't. It's a goddamn bib that drags on the ground and the stupid freak trips over it all the time. And it has a random crease in it, even though it never makes sharp folds. I know it flies all the time in-game anyway, but I hate the execution of this concept so much.

 

Overall: 2/10 

No. 953: Rellor

 Rolling Start~

 

Taking the 2022 award for "Least Effort Put Into Naming A Pokemon", Rellor just looks like some random bum. He's just a dude, a regular little dude, with a unibrow and beard, muppet-style. Except he rolls around a big ball of shit mud, and does it upside-down because maybe dung beetles do that irl? I don't care enough to verify that fact.

Oh, and while "walk 1000 steps" is a fun evolution mechanic, in practice it's a pain in the ass because the counter resets if you walk with a different Pokemon, and Rellor is slow as hell so you can't really walk around normally with it anyway, and even after meeting the step requirements it doesn't automatically evolve, or in battle, you need to level it up with an item while outside the ball. ugh.


Overall: 1/10

No. 950: Klawf

 just klawful

 

I tend to like crustacean Pokemon, but this guy sucks. The eyeballs sticking out on tiny little stalks bother me, not to mention the hairy joints and rosy cheeks. But the biggest offender is simply that his claws are too damn small. I don't want no teeny-weenie clawed crabs, I want BIG MEATY CLAWS!

Besides, if the concept is "Rock Crab", they sure could have done more to make him look rocky. He doesn't even blend into the walls in the game, in the environment he was specifically designed for.


Overall: 2/10

No 947: Brambleghast

 Let's go brambling! (aw dangit)

I'm not a fan of Pokemon where the concept is "wow look, these shapes are coincidentally lined up so they just so happen to resemble a face!" Like, miss me with that Pokemon Signs bullshit. These are magical monsters, if they wanted to have a face, they could just have one.

Dhelmise is the main culprit here, but I see it in some fakemon, and now Brambleghast. It's a bit more purposeful than the others, but it's still like... that's not a mouth. That's a line in the SHAPE of a mouth. How can you bite anything with that?

The other frustrating thing is that Brambleghast looks like some sort of thorny bone pumpkin, which could be the coolest thing ever. Except it's not, it's a few floating eye-seeds and some dry branches. Why couldn't it have just been a spiky jack-o-lantern, with an actual mouth? Or a haunted skeletonic ribcage thing? I don't want a dumb weed.

Overall: 2/10

No. 945: Grafaiai

mf thinks hes banksy

it's actually cool when Pokemon completely change species when they evolve, as long as they're connected in some superficial way. Wingull evolving into Pelliper? Yeah sure, I'd believe that seagulls are just baby pelicans, whatever. Shroodle evolving into Grafaiai? Now that's a stretch, I've never once thought about shrews and aye-ayes even inhabiting the same continents before.

What's more, Grafaiai looks like Darby Allin's fursona, but with huge gross drippy middle fingers. I know that's the aye-aye's calling card, but it looks even freakier here than it does in real life. I don't want to know where he sticks that finger to get it all goopy.

If I can be remotely positive, I think there's something going on with the hindquarters that I like, something about the shape of the legs, and use of stripes. And removing the pupils from the eyes was a good move. But I just can't get over the hoodie, and those disgusting fingers. If Grafaiai flipped me the bird I'd probably throw up.


Overall: 2/10

No. 944: Shroodle

oodles of shroodles

Now what am I looking at here, exactly

Shroodle looks like the head of some larger character, but they cut off the body and just stuck a few tiny feets to the bottom of it. And even if I accept this creature whose eyes are so preposterously large they could not each be contained within the same small body, what's going on with the nose situation? I guess those are buckteeth, dipped in purple venom, but they look like boogers hanging on the end of the nose.

And it's Poison/Normal at the end of all that hideousness? Get away from me with your tiny tuft of hair.


Overall: 2/10

No. 932: Nacli

 shoutouts to Saltybets

The problem with Nacli is that it's not a Pokemon, it's clearly a powerup from Super Mario Galaxy 3. Turns you into Salt Mario, and you use it to kill slugs or something idk

I'm fine with Pokemon that don't emote, much less have any moving parts, like Minior or Lunatone. But I think those work because they're levitating. Nacli just kinda rocks back and forth on the ground. I can't barely even believe it's alive.

Overall: 2/10

No. 928: Smoliv

smol uwu bean

With all due respect, fuck Smoliv. Go back to your garden and bring me some breadsticks. When I'm driving my 500-pound legendary motorcycle from another timeline around Paldea at 100 mph, hauling ass with my hair in the wind, the last thing I want is to slam to a complete halt because some tiny little baby wants to battle. I should be able to crush Smoliv under my wheels. I should be legally allowed to crush Smoliv under my wheels.

Design-wise, yes, it's a little olive with a face. Not much more to say. What, are you gonna cry? Go ahead, then. Cry.

Overall: 1/10

No. 923: Pawmot

Pawmot Patrol

Speaking of throwback elements to older gens, Pawmot carries the tradition of being an ambiguous creature instead of a twist on a specific real-life animal. It's kind of a teddy bear, but listed as the "Mouse Pokemon", and also resembles a hamster? With Popeye arms and Iron Man repulsors blasts? I'm not sure why it's part Fighting-type, but... hey. hold the phone.

This is an evolution of Pawmo? Are we sure it evolved? Or did it just step closer to the camera? Wait, it changed its fur color back to Pawmi's. Why is Pawmo desaturated, then? And what's the difference between Pawmo and Pawmot, larger hair tufts???

Probably the worst case of "it just gets bigger" evolutions, except it still doesn't even look fully-evolved. Maybe just skip from Pawmi straight to this thing, then. But I'm not gonna give it a good review cuz I already spent that goodwill on Pawmo.

I think they maybe planned a proper evolution, but accidentally copied the model for Pawmo over the space where Pawmot was supposed to go, and couldn't figure out how to restore the intended version so they just made Pawmot bigger and called it a day.

Overall: 2/10

No. 914: Quaquaval

¡viva fiesta!

I get that this is a reference to the Carnival dancers, and that Quaquaval has turned from a duck into a peacock. But Carnival is usually associated with Brazil, not Spain. And if he's a peacock, he's a freaking ugly one.

You can't see it in this artwork, but Quaquaval summons a halo of water-feathers to act as a tail when in battle. It kinda looks like crap, though. And those Ikki the Phoenix feathers trailing from his hips don't help. Not to mention the bell-bottoms and freaky mutant toes.

Also the overall posture is just really off-putting to me, like why's he cranking that dumpy so far back? Calm down.

Overall: 2/10

No. 913: Quaxwell

must work out at the library

When the starters were first revealed, I saw Quaxly and thought, "Oh, it's a Don Quixote reference, he'll probably evolve into Ducky-xote and be a proud knight or something". Cuz of the name, and the fact that Paldea is Spain, right? Wrong.

Instead, Quaxwell is a big-noggin unibrow doofus wearing a crop top and crocs. I've heard of the ugly duckling, but this is taking it too far. Especially since that story ends with a beautiful swan, and Quaxwell is destined for... well, that's for another day.

Overall: 1/10

No. 905: Enamorus

Oh baby. What is going on here.

I've never been a fan of the genies, and while at least Enamorus isn't another palette swap, that doesn't make her any good. There's too much sassy-ass tomfoolery going on in this design, and I refuse to spend another word on it.

Incarnate Form: 1/10

Like all the others, Enamorus also has a Beast Mode, which completes the "Four Cardinal Beasts" quartet that nobody even noticed was going on. It's a Chinese mythology thing, with a Tiger, Phoenix, Dragon, and now - Turtle. Since the others got their Therian Forms all the way back in BW2, a full decade ago, I have to wonder... was Enamorus planned from that long ago, and just never implemented until now? Or was it a coincidence that the others took on the forms of a Tiger, Phoenix, and Dragon, and then somebody said "wait a minute... we can work with this!"

Either way, the end result is a garish pink turtle that not even Barbie would be caught dead with. Yet somehow, still better than the base form.

Therian Form: 2/10

I'm going to be mean and round down the average, because I think this Pokemon is fucking awful.

Overall: 1/10

No. 904: Overqwil

no I know where it was now, this is a Donkey Kong Country boss

Overqwil has a cool name, and that's the most positive thing I can say about it. I can't stop thinking about certain toys I would get as a kid, which never stood up because they were sculpted in an action pose, or designed with a weird bottom like this. Always pissed me off, when something only functions as a keychain. I want to stand it up with my other toys!

and in a similar vein, Overqwil pisses me off because of how ridiculous it looks out of the water. The idea of a big floating mine could work, but holy shit why did you have to make the top and bottom spikes so large?

Overall: 1/10