No. 989: Sandy Shocks

I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere.

No, see, this is where I draw the line. What do you mean, there's an ancient Magneton? The Pokemon that's not only overtly a modern creation, but also the combination of three other Pokemon? You're telling me it used to be one thing, who just so happened to look like a modern-day screws and magnets, and then split up and developed a new baby form?

That's ridiculous. Go home. You're drunk. Why would you even consider Magneton, among all the possible options, to make an "ancient" version of. And it doesn't even float, but walks around on big bendy legs???

 

Overall: 1/10 

No. 984: Great Tusk

 I'm sure I saw this guy on the Flintstones

Now we get into the Paradox Pokemon, starting with the ancient ones. To me, this felt like a strange concept, because we already know what ancient Pokemon looked like. They looked like Kabuto, and Cradily, and Aurorus. Relicanth, too. You know, Fossil Pokemon!

Instead, here's this group of weirdos who just resemble modern Pokemon, but hairier and with bigger fangs. It's strange to think of long-term evolution as we understand it in real life, in a series where Pokemon undergo evolution akin to metamorphosis. I know some people were saying they're not meant to be real at all, just the fantasies of explorers made physical, but I think it ended up being that they are from the past, but actually it's another timeline's past?

idk, the Pokemon Multiverse Theory is a topic I find so engrossing that every time someone brings it up I fall asleep. What matters here is the design at hand, which is basically just what I said - a hairier Donphan, with bigger tusks.

And Donphan is one of the all-time greats, so naturally that means Great Tusk is also pretty good, but I think those tusks are just a bit too big. Can't skewer anything when they're curved back so far like that! Also, the more I look at it, the more I think that Donphan was actually perfect and I start to resent even trying to iterate on it. It's like putting eyebrows on the Mona Lisa. Or in this case, pink spikes on an elephant.

 

Overall: 6/10 

No. 980: Clodsire

 act of clod

Clodsire is also quite similar to Quagsire, the main different (besides coloration) being that he's laying down, and his limbs are appropriately short. This is the most plush-able Pokemon of all time. I want a giant one that I can sleep on.

Also, it sprouts spikes from its back when it attacks? is that something salamanders do? seems painful.

like Paldean Wooper, I prefer the original Quagsire, but that doesn't mean Clodsire is bad. In fact, it's wonderful. I wish to achieve the same inner peace that Clodsire demonstrates with its vacant smile.

 

Overall: 10/10 

Paldean Wooper

 whoppity whoop

Wooper was already perfect, so how does the poisonous chocolate version compare? Pretty well! They didn't even feel the need to change its proportions, like they did for Alolan Vulpix and a few others.

Its new antennae sort of look like crossbones, and the pattern on its belly suggest more bones, which I think is supposed to be like how poison bottles have a skull and crossbones on it to let you know pirates are nearby?  let you know it's dangerous? That's neat, I guess.

I dunno, I'm just not sure we really needed a new Wooper - a Newper, if you will - and at the end of the day I kinda like the original one better just cuz it was there first. But there's certainly nothing wrong with Paldean Wooper, if anything it feels like a new Shiny.

 

Overall: 10/10 

No. 949: Toedscruel

"This isn't a war," said the artilleryman. "It never was a war, any more than there's a war between man and ants."

Original Tentacruel was a boss, so it should come as no surprise that Toedscruel is also a boss. Adding black to the color scheme is very striking, and completely fixes my issues with Toedscool. The big ol' snoot is a fair replacement for that ominous beak/claw, too.

 

The jellyfish -> mushroom remix works great, I think it looks ominous standing around like a freakish alien. Then it hops around, and you lose the mystique somewhat...

What's funny is that Gamefreak feels obligated to give every mushroom Pokemon access to the move Spore (the only 100% accurate Sleep-inducing move), but Toedscruel is fast. A fast sleeper would be broken, so they dealt with it the same way they did other potential super-threats like Regigigas or Slaking: Give it a terrible ability that actively makes it worse! As a result, all of Toedscruel's status moves automatically go last, meaning it can't put its high speed to use if you want to put things to sleep.

That said, unlike those other unfortunate Pokemon, it doesn't interfere with the rest of Toedscruel's stats or moves. So feel free to use it in-game like any other Pokemon, spamming Earth Power and Energy Ball.

Overall: 9/10

No. 948: Toedscool

big steppy

So, it's about time we talked about the Convergent Evolution Pokemon. Design-wise, these are the same as the Regional Form Pokemon: it's an excuse to remix an old design with a new twist. Igloo Sandshrew? Cool! Mushroom Tentacool? Neat! I think it's a fun design exercise, and much more interesting than coming up with over-the-top Mega Evolutions or Gigantimax forms.

Functionally, there's not much difference, either: In both cases, you're gonna get the same stat block, but a new type, design, and movepool. Regional Forms can breed with their normal forms, but that doesn't really matter.

No, the big difference is how the Pokedex treats them: Regional Forms are classified as "forms", and denied official Pokedex slots, whereas Convergent Evolutions are treated as entirely new Pokemon. Which is horseshit, because the Regional Forms should also be treated as entirely new Pokemon. For all intents and purposes, this is a new 'mon! And it looks dumb as hell to glance over a list of Pokemon and see Alolan Vulpix right alongside regular Vulpix. Alolan Vulpix is a Gen 7 Pokemon and you damn well know it.

Basically, it's like how Daisy is an "Echo Fighter" of Peach, but apparently not distinct enough to be a fully new fighter, like how Falco is a Clone of Fox. But distinct enough to be more than a skin, like how Alph is just a costume for Olimar. Then you have Chrom, who is an Echo Fighter of Marth, except he has Ike's Up-B. I've lost control over this metaphor, but the point is, Sakurai is a madman.

Anyway, Toesdcool!  I like how he runs around. The colors are awful, reminiscent of Mr. Blobby, which furthers my suspicion that half the designers did not realize they were in the Spanish region, not the British one. Shiny Toedscool is all-white, which is uncomfortable in its own way. I think I'd prefer a red-and-white Mario style mushroom coloration.

Overall: 7/10

No. 901: Ursaluna

IT'S OVER 900!!!!!!!!! 

Whereas Wyrdeer opens the game up in a big way, Ursaluna just feels redundant. it's an Item Finder on legs, offering no additional mobility. So it won't win any goodwill that way.

And as for the design... I mean, it's a bear with poop on its face. What do you really expect me to say, here? Dude has a turd draped across his nose, I can't see it as anything else. I know I'm supposed to see it as "clouds in front of the moon", but even if that were the case, how freaking coincidental that every single Ursaluna gets the same bits of mud stuck on its forehead at exactly that location. Or if they're eyebrows, then it's doing an eternal Dreamworks smirk.

No, there's not really any good options here. Sorry, dookie-bear. Please don't get near me, I just washed the stink off.

Overall: 1/10

Gigantamax no. 18: Sandaconda

And a viper in a sand tree!

Regular Sandaconda sucks. Gigantamax Sandaconda is much better. I like the connection between gunslinging rattlesnake and Texas tornado. And a snake-tornado with a gun? Brother, there's nothing scarier.

I just think it should have been a normal evolution, even replacing Sandaconda, because at that size the gun-nose is kinda pointless. How can it shoot anything on the ground, it can't even see down below that ring of dust! Didn't really think this one out, did they.

Overall: 800/1000

Galarian Stunfisk

"oh you missed some pokemon, oh you spelled Gigantamax wrong, oh you messed up your new scale" Look, who's writing this site, you or me!? Don't make me turn this blog around! (I joke, thank you for pointing out all the dumb mistakes I make)

It feels like every few generations, they have to create "mimic" Pokemon that look like a Pokeball in the overworld (and thus an item), but when you go to pick it up, they attack you. Voltorb, Foongus, and now Galarian Stunfisk. I'm calling it now - next time will be an anglerfish.

anyway, this guy's neat. I think it works better than normal Stunfisk, because the idea of a bear-trap makes more sense than a hidden electric pad or whatever. I think the green spots are meant to imitate footprints, to help it look safe. Although you can't even see them from the overworld.

Only weird thing is, the Mimicry ability changes its type based on the Terrain applied to the battle, but it doesn't really learn any terrain-changing moves! I guess it's for doubles?

Overall: 7/10

No. 867: Runerigus

killlll meee... 

Runerigus looks like shit. I'm not gonna beat around the bush, I'm just gonna come out and lead with the conclusion here. Cofagrigus is one of my favorite Pokemon, and I'm extremely glad normal Yamask don't evolve into Runerigus.

It looks like when you accidentally break your mom's vase so you have to try and glue it back together and hope she doesn't notice, except the glue is an evil shadow monster or something. What bothers me so much about this sort of design is that it looks haphazard and ramshackle, except EVERY Runerigus is exactly the same. The same shattered pieces being held together in the same "random" way. Perhaps I've let other Pokemon slide for similar crimes, and I'm being too harsh on the ol' broken art project, but being a hypocrite is just one of my many virtues.

What stings as well is that the completed slab isn't even cool looking - it's just kind of a worm that was drawn in crayon. I'd rather see a design where this is used as the base (ala Spiritomb or Cursola) and then the ghostly dragon rises from the lines as if summoned, but that's not what we got.

I'd also be okay if this was the payoff for collecting all the Unown or something - going back to what I said about Yamask, imagine if each one held a different chunk and you collected them all to get this Legendary Pokemon. it would still look dumb, but the method of finding it would be cool. As opposed to the completely arbitrary method you actually use - I won't repeat it here, just look it up yourself and think about how anyone would ever discover that on their own. Sirfetch'd has a weird requirement to evolve as well, I'm not saying that sort of thing tanks a Pokemon. But it certainly doesn't help Runerigus here.

Anyway, to make a long story short - Runerigus looks like shit.

Overall: 1/10

Galarian Yamask

Return the slab...

I've always felt like Yamask and Cofagrigus could be Ghost/Ground, because they're Egyptian mummy adjacent and when you think Egypt, you think sand. Same with Dusklops, too. So making a regional variant that covers those bases seems like a natural step, rather than a weird shake-up.

With that said, the direction they chose to go was making Yamask carry around pieces of a clay tablet, instead of anything sandy or pharaonic. So I'm not sure where that leaves us, it's a sideways move rather than an upgrade. Black, Red, and Gold has been changed out for Black, Purple, Red, and Grey, and those are also cool colors.

I like the concept of a bunch of ghosts inhabiting different shards of an ancient slate, who all come together to break a curse or possibly end the world. It would have been cool if the Yamasks held different pieces then, instead of all getting the same tail chunk.

Overall: 6/10

No. 844: Sandaconda

big ups to Lucky Star

Sandaconda is slightly cool - even though I dogged on Silicobra for sneezing his attacks, Sandaconda looks like a double-barreled shotgun or something. I'm into it. Reminds me of Mr. 4's dog, from the Alabasta arc of One piece.

But once you get past that, there's so much going wrong here. The whole damn snake is backwards, how can it possible move in any direction but roll sideways like this? it's coiled like a spring, but never does anything with that implied elastic tension. It just sits there and sneezes at you.

I dunno, this seems like one of those Pokemon that are just unfortunate. Whether it be Darwin or Arceus, they've evolved into a being that can't possibly function and only exists to suffer for our amusement.

Overall: 2/10

No. 843: Silicobra

guess who's back

   

Silicobra reminds me of a Yo-kai Watch monster. I think it's the eyes. Not in a distractingly bad way, but I'm just saying.

Like Tepig, this one shoots stuff out its nose. I never know what to think about this, cuz I feel like nose-sand would be grosser than if it shot it out of its mouth like a normal freak of nature. But maybe it doesn't matter much in the end? It's still sand (or Fire, in the case of Tepig). It doesn't gain the Snot Element.

But still, use a tissue, yo. Especially these days.

Overall: 4/10

Hapu of Poni Island

I was doing holiday things, and in Japan, and other stuff! Sorry for the break, let's get back to it and finish this stuff off, in the hopes of a Gen 8 announcement this year.


I was kinda disappointed with how Poni island just seemed like an afterthought. It's my beloved Kauai, yet they made it a dry, uninhabited canyon without really even proper trials. Still, Hapu is cute, so I guess it balances out.

I like her eyebrows and intense stare, she may be smol, but she tuff. Doesn't really look like a kahuna, but that's kind of the point - in fact, she doesn't actually take up the reins officially until you meet her in the story. But the design is nice, with great use of repeating rounded shapes. I want to put her in my pocket and then roll her down a hill!


Overall: 8/10

Alolan Dugtrio

You know, Japan, tanned people don't HAVE to have blonde hair.

Now I understand that the pointless Alolan Diglett was just an excuse to get to this. And don't get me wrong, I get the joke, I'm laughing - a trio of gyaru Digletts IS funny, isn't it?

[pause for laughter]

With that out of the way, screw this. Dumb ass Dugtrios in wigs, what the heck, yo. I almost want to give it points for being so-bad-its-good, but honestly I feel insulted. This is even worse than that time Mega Ampharos was just Ampharos with hair.


Overall: 3/10 -> 1/10

Alolan Diglett

wait, what's the difference?

Oh, I see. It's a shade darker, and has little hairs. And black dirt, which represents volcanic soil but of course that's stupid, because it's not a part of Diglett anyway, a regular Diglett in Alolan ground would kick up the same color dirt. And it shoulda been the famous Kaua'i Red Dirt if anything.

So other than those exceedingly small cosmetic changes, how is it different? Gained a Steel sub-type, so now it has even more weaknesses? Lost Arena Trap? Wow, what a great idea.

There's no way in which Alolan Diglett is better than regular Diglett, and those hairs are stupid. Well okay, they're not that stupid, remind me of a Yoshi's Island enemy, but it's all so pointless. If anything, I'd hope a remix of Diglett would reveal what's below the surface. Like make Alolan Diglet walk around above ground or something, wouldn't that be fun?

Nope, they just gave it a tan and glued a few muppet hairs to the top. What a waste.


Overall: 10/10 -> 3/10

No. 770: Palossand

Oh tell me why, do we build castles in the sky? oh tell me why, are the castles way up high?

Man, I just love this guy. Big droopy fortress sand-trap spook. The towers acting like hands is a neat touch, and I love how the little shovel spins. Another example of a good Pokemon made great by strong animations.

It's also neat to run something with high Physical defense, but high Special Attack. You don't see those paired that often, it seems. I kinda wish the Water Compaction ability nullified the damage as well, or affected both Defensive stats, but maybe that would be too good.

It reminds me of making sand castles on the beach and then stomping on them, except Palossand is the one who does the stomping now, sending phantom regiments out on sortie from its garrison, and discharging volleys of spectral cannon fire from the turrets. Then it drags you down and curses you for eternity or something. NOW DO YOU FEEL SORRY FOR STOMPING ON ALL THOSE SAND CASTLES


Overall: 10/10

No. 769: Sandygast

and so we go carefully forward in this way
watch out for the sandcastles they will get in your way
sometimes there is a roof over your head you do not know
where does the future go but forward

Haunted sand? I'm down. That's all I needed to hear. I've always been a lowkey fan of the slime monsters, so having a sandy cousin to Grimer is welcome. I really like how the mouth goes all the way through, it reminds me of that one Secret in Super Mario Sunshine in Gelato Beach. Which I was stuck on for like a month because of those freaking crumbling sand blocks.

Okay, before I get mad, let's focus on the positives again. Sandygast is neat! Fun typing and movepool. Only thing I'd change would be the shovel - it seems kinda dumb that EVERY Sandygast somehow gets a shovel stuck in its head. Unless it's one of those things where the shovel is the true body, and the sand is just the stuff accumulated and manipulated by it?

...NAH, that would be too lame and confusing for a Pokemon game. I'm sure no Pokemon will ever use a similar conceit. *foreboding music plays*


Overall: 9/10

No. 750: Mudsdale

Reminding anybody else of Troy Polamalu?

At least its feet don't look like they're melting, instead it appears to have put on those Flashdance leg warmers. I think the concept is that it's been stompin' a Steve Austin-sized mudhole in someone's chest, but they really look like loose socks.

Silly boy also got his hair and tail in the orange paint, and somehow just the tip of his mohawk? Or maybe whoever's in charge of washing him did a lazy job?

But at the end of the day, Mudsdale is like one of those Budweiser horses, the kind you see all the time at the superbowl, pulling sleighs full of puppies to the barn to drink beer or whatever. It's all very patriotic. And I'm nothing if not a patriot! please don't deport me


Overall: USA/10

No. 749: Mudbray

I like that boulder. That is a NICE boulder.

First up, the hell sort of business eye that is. Animals with non-circular pupils freak me out. unless they're anime girls. Then it's okay. But that's beside the point!

Like Rockruff, Mudbray could have easily been Normal/Ground. But that wouldn't been stupid, so I'm glad they didn't.

On the other hand, Mudbray's legs appear to be melting, like their made of wax, or turning into something like that one dude in Fury Road. I think a doctor ought to take a look at that, personally. My uncle died of wax-leg, sad story.


Overall: 4/10