No. 970: Glimmora

 Will the real glim shady please stand up?

Okay, this artwork doesn't do it justice. Dream World, you're up!

Now that's the stuff! I was spoiled on most of the pokedex before playing the game, but Glimmora was a complete surprise to me, and it was really cool to see this weird flower growing out of the rock and realizing it was a Pokemon.

Again, it might be based on any number of things (to me it resembles an agave) but I think it's also cool to just be a weird freak. It has Starmie or Claydol vibes, which I love. Rock/Poison is a wild typing, and it has a neat niche as the ultimate hazard setter/spinner. The colors are great, too! I just can't get enough of Glimmora's bizarre beauty.

 

Overall: 10/10 

No. 969: Glimmet

 reminds me of the flowers from Forever Forest in Paper Mario. In vibes, if not in looks.

Bulbapedia has a bunch of ideas on what could possibly be the inspiration behind Glimmet, but I think it's possible that Gamefreak wasn't considering any of that and just said "how about a poisonous crystal flower?" and I think that's awesome.

Well, Glimmet itself isn't exactly awesome, it's just kind of a little bulb. A necessary first step. I do enjoy how its eyes show through its snout as if it were a rendering error, but actually it's because the snout is clear.

 

Overall: 5/10 

No. 950: Klawf

 just klawful

 

I tend to like crustacean Pokemon, but this guy sucks. The eyeballs sticking out on tiny little stalks bother me, not to mention the hairy joints and rosy cheeks. But the biggest offender is simply that his claws are too damn small. I don't want no teeny-weenie clawed crabs, I want BIG MEATY CLAWS!

Besides, if the concept is "Rock Crab", they sure could have done more to make him look rocky. He doesn't even blend into the walls in the game, in the environment he was specifically designed for.


Overall: 2/10

No. 934: Garganacl

Nacl 3 baybeeeee 

Let it be known that I don't like Minecraft. I think it's an impressively ugly game, made by a weird loser, played by annoying children, and more popular than Jesus. If you were making a "build with Legos and walk around inside the things you build!" game, you could do a lot better than shitty voxel stuff. And the actual "survival" game of it, the fact that there's like a campaign you can do with bosses and shit? Not to mention the Story Mode spinoffs? It makes me sick. I wish kids were playing better games. I do not respect Minecraft, and I'm not a fan of the way everyone else has granted it some sort of nostalgic legitimacy. I guess it's cuz those kids grew up and are the taste-makers now. But I was there when it was just a java beta, I've seen it in diapers, and so I don't have to respect Minecraft.

(wew, good to get that off my chest)

Anyway, Garganacl is pretty cool! Finally, the blocky style works out, with sensible points of articulation for a fantasy rock monster. I dig the big shoulders that evoke a pyramid, and the striations on his limbs are neat. To me, this hits a similar appeal as Golurk. I want to play with the action figure version of it.

Overall: 8/10

No. 933: Naclstack

btw NaCl is Sodium Chloride, the chemical formula for "salt", in case you haven't had it explained 4000 times by now

Remember NakNacks? Those weird blocky dudes from the early 2000s, where you were supposed to stack them or collect them or possibly play some sort of game with them (it was never clear to me)? Well, Naclstack doesn't look like them at all, aside from having blocky parts. I just wanted to see if anybody else remembered those, or if it was my own imagination.

Naclstack is more animate than Nacli, which brings him up from "poorly-conceived" to merely "ugly". I just don't like his Minecraft ass.

Overall: 4/10

No. 932: Nacli

 shoutouts to Saltybets

The problem with Nacli is that it's not a Pokemon, it's clearly a powerup from Super Mario Galaxy 3. Turns you into Salt Mario, and you use it to kill slugs or something idk

I'm fine with Pokemon that don't emote, much less have any moving parts, like Minior or Lunatone. But I think those work because they're levitating. Nacli just kinda rocks back and forth on the ground. I can't barely even believe it's alive.

Overall: 2/10

Hisuian Avalugg

God of War type boss fight 

Hey, it's Avalugg! Everybody loves Avalugg, right? Well, would you love Avalugg even more if we made his legs dirty and stuck a snowplow to his face?

...no? you'd still respond with the same indifference you've always shown to Avalugg?

......oh well, I suppose it can't be helped! Hope you enjoy being 4x weak to Fighting and Steel!

Overall: 1/10

No. 900: Kleavor

when you throw Rock and Scissors at the same time

Look, Kleavor has a tough act to follow. Not only is it competing with Scyther, one of the hardest Pokemon ever created, it has to contend with the other potential evolution in Scizor. And the Scyther vs Scisor debate was already a hot topic!

and I'm sorry to say, that Kleavor falls a distant third here. What the art doesn't communicate is how comically large Kleavor's axes are in its in-game model.

The tiny stick arms and the giant axes make it look unbalanced, which is a shame. The main body is pretty cool, I like the rocks around its face, and a hatchetman Pokemon could totally work. But Kleavor just isn't it.

Honestly, if we didn't have Scyther or Scizor around as a benchmark, I'd probably be higher on Kleavor. But there's no way I'd evolve my Scyther into this stone age bastard except to fill out a Pokedex.

Overall: 6/10

Hisuian Arcanine

I'll just cut to the chase - this design is almost great, but two things piss me off - the way the smoky parts of its fur are grey instead of black like the stripes, and those little orange bits on its mane.

In this image the tail looks even a different shade than the mane, but they're all the same in-game. Just, why not make them the same so-dark-grey-it-counts-as-black as the stripes? Besides, black/red is a good combo, but grey/red is less striking.

And as for those flecks of red in the mane... I think what gets me is that they aren't outlined like the other fur markings. They seem unfinished. I'd rather leave them out entirely tbh.

Overall: 6/10

Hisuian Growlithe

Growlithe: but with more saturated colors

Hisuian Growlithe is based on those komainu or lion-dog statues that guard Buddhist temples. I think that's where the Rock part of its typing comes in, because there's nothing rocky about a Growlithe with a bad haircut.

ok, fine, it's a cute haircut. And surprisingly, the single horn and Wartortle-esque tail makes it look like an authentic Gen-1 design. I like this guy, I can imagine him running around the room and bumping into table legs and stuff, getting soot all over the damn place, just generally acting like a rascal.

overall: 9/10

Gordie of Circhester

big dick is back in town, baby

Gordie's got a case of flat-foot like we saw with Milo, but aside from that the dude is a major boss. He does a backflip for no reason when he sends out his Pokemon! and despite being hugely popular, he's not an asshole about it. He's just honestly that cool.

I do want to question his wardrobe, though - that two-tone jacket is like something the In-Betweener would wear, and I'm not sure if dying his naturally bleach-blonde hair a shade of banana yellow was the best call. But I guess when you've got all the natural swag and charisma of Jack Black, you can pull anything off.

I think it's neat that Gordie is a chubby guy who's portrayed as legitimately cool in the game, instead of a joke. and I do think he's cool, he just needs better taste in outfits.

Overall: 7/10

Gigantamax no. 16: Coalossal

Three king coals

Gigantamax Coalossal looks like a Super Mario Galaxy level. The kind that's also a boss fight, where you climb up the monster's mountain body hitting weak points until you defeat it and claim the star at the peak.

And it just feels thematically right to have this giant, coal-powered fortress belching smoke into the sky. Turning the precarious pile of embers into hardened magma really works, too. I like this one!

Overall: 800/1000

Gigantamax no. 15: Drednaw

Four chomping turtles

yeah this one sucks. Surprisingly, not many Gigantamax forms are outright embarrassments, but Gigantamax Dreadnaw is embarrassment enough for all of them. its pathetic legs can't even touch the ground, and its face has withdrawn so far into that foreskin of a neck it can't bite anything anymore. Usually I like to see jaggedy elements like its rocky shell, but I hate Drednaw so instead all I feel is scorn.

I can't believe they thought this was really good enough to make the signature Pokemon for one of the Gym Leaders. Nessa deserves much better.

Overall: 100/1000

No. 874: Stonjourner

 Let me speak the Stonjourner Truth:

I do not care about Stonjourner. Usually that's reserved for the most generic, basic Pokemon, but in this case it applies to Stonjourner, who would not be out of place in Super Paper Mario. That's not to say I hate it, merely that I had forgotten about it completely until just now and even when wracking my brain I can't find a single opinion to share about it.

The whole design feels like somebody said "hey what about a Stonehenge Pokemon? that's in England, right?" and they drew a sketch on a napkin and that was it. And to that end, it succeeded - I instantly see it and think of Stonehenge, but it's not cool enough to want to use, or weird enough to catch my interest.

The way the mud on its feet doesn't cover the stone "lacing" on its "shoes" is strange? I think that's the most I'm willing to say on the subject of Stonjourner.

Overall: 4/10

No. 839: Coalossal

I fought this guy in Banjo-Tooie

I guess we're done being a speedy wheel, or crazy kart, and it's time to go Full Rhydon. Look, it is what it is. I don't get it either. The last two were kinda dumb, but in a fun way that could be building to something really cool. But Coalossal is... not that.

I mean, for a hunka hunka burnin' kaiju, he's not bad. Beefy boy with a badass head, I love to see the return of the oldschool angry-eyes, and that glowing furnace of a mouth is wonderful. But you know what still scuttles the whole design?


That Marge Simpson hair pile of embers on his head. It's silly enough that Carkol doesn't lose his entire shit when he zips around, but Coalossal is so much more vertical, and walks with the grace of a washing machine. No WAY that coal stack would remain in a perfect pyramid, or wobble around like a tower of jelly.

Honestly, the artwork tones it down a lot and makes it more reasonable. But the in-game model is just... preposterous. Unbalances the design in an awful way.


Overall: 4/10

No. 838: Carkol

I am speed.

Rock/Fire minecart coal Pokemon is a good idea! but holy shit I cannot stop laughing looking at Carkol's face. His eyes are all the way peeled back like he set the thrusters to Ludicrous Speed, my man is dropping coal left and right. He's gonna arrive at the destination freaking empty, especially since his "wheels" aren't even close to round. If this Pokemon existed in real life, Darwin himself would've performed the mercy kill.

but... somehow I can't bring myself to hate Carkol. Maybe it's the way you meet him actually travelling the tracks in the mines, in a rare example of Pokemon placed organically into their environment. Or maybe it's just the cool way he glows up before he attacks.

This is the sort of goofy dude I usually despite, but somehow there is room in my heart for Yung King Cole.

Overall: 5/10

No. 837: Rolycoly

Wear a mask, kids. That's all I'm gonna say.

But let's try to get back on track with this indeterminate lump. Thank God I know what the 3D model looks like, or I would have severe difficulty parsing this artwork. It looks like a Voltorb after he blew up, and lost an eyeball. Now he's sad.

However, with the context of the next evolutions, I think that's supposed to be an angry eye instead, and in fact is his entire head. Dude zooms around on a unicycle wheel, getting soot everywhere and ruining everything.

I think we need more cyclopses (cyclopes?) in Pokemon, though, so I'll give Rolycoly the benefit of the doubt. Also his name is fun to say.


Overall: 5/10

No. 834: Drednaw

Friend of All Children!

Drednaw almost gets it. It's so damn close. I love its shell and horn, they look rugged with bumpy linework that we hardly ever see these days. The overall shape is solid, it has potential for the classic Venusaur or Rhyhorn energy of just being a big fat bastard who stomps his way through anything. And even the name is boss - DREDNAW

and yet... and yet............ that face. Ok, the mouth is cool, and the cheeks are fine even! It's really just the eyes. Now tell me, what the hell kind of shape is that for an eyeball? If it was just flattened off, or a smooth slope, or better yet that classic triangular eye, we'd be all set. But instead, it's a baffling "5/8ths of a pizza" shape. And then the arbitrary line that doesn't have any definition so it can't represent a fold or a contour, it's just a holdover unibrow line that gets broken by the horn so it's not even a unibrow anymore. It's pointless and distracting.



I don't often do this, because my job is to critique, not fix. But in this case the fix is SO simple and goes SO far, I can't resist.


Overall: 5/10 (would be a 9/10 with the fix)

No. 805: Stakataka

Jenga: the Pokemon

another reference that will be lost to non-Japanese, but Stakataka resembles not just a brick structure but specifically the base of a Japanese castle. It's a neat idea that it's a colony, too. I'm reminded of how the blocks moved around in Laputa, on that ancient technology shit.

but the thing I wonder is, what if you just capture ONE of them? can you take it home and have a lil' block friend? What if you only need like 4 blocks, so they can make tetris shapes? What if you have multiple entire Stakatakas (Stakataki?) and combine them together, can you build a modern-day Tower of Babel and rip the Pokegods from their thrones?

Clearly, future research is necessary.


Ultra Rank: B

Olivia of Akala Island

luv me some Beyonzo

How in the world has this woman not managed to land herself a man? It would be one thing if she just had super-high standards, but from the game it seems like she's bizarrely unpopular? Talk about immersion-breaking.

Anyway, I'm surprised they hadn't made the connection between a Rock-specialist and jewelry, but it makes a lot of sense. I'd like to see more jewel-like Rock types myself, instead of gray-brown granite uggos. But that's beside the point, and the point is that Olivia is awesome.

See, this is how you color-coordinate a pink/brown outfit, Ilima. Take notes, child, the queen is teaching. She rocks that outfit but good, the accessories are on point, and she got legs longer than an Alolan Exeggutor. (Not an Alolan Exeggutor's legs, I mean, I was comparing them to the overall body length, and by "them" I mean her legs, and you know what? I'll stop there.)


Overall: 10/10