No. 983: Kingambit

 Fu Rin Ka Zan

I hate that Kingambit sucks. I wish he was good. But he's not. He looks like a Mega Evolution, and I mean that in the most derogatory way possible. Gigantic crest and mustache that make him look unbalanced, and impractical protruding rib-blades. (although they're arguably more convenient than Bisharp's, since they act as a cage but allow him to keep his arms at his sides)

And then there's the stupid freaking hair-chair. I know he's modeled after a samurai general, specifically Takeda Shingen, squatting on his stool as he surveys the battle, but the fact that he doesn't even get his lazy ass up to walk around, but floats on it is insulting. Some people will tell you that he's moving like a chess piece, as if that makes it any better. It's still dumb as shit. I hate that his hair becomes the stool, too. It makes him look like one of those early Amiibos where they had random plastic chunks to prop up the figures.

If you size-down the crest and 'stache and ribs, take away his hair stool, and let him stand up, the underlying body construction isn't bad. But we don't live in that reality, and that makes it hurt all the more.

 

Overall: 1/10 

No. 968: Orthworm

 Would you still love me if I were a worm?

Between Dandadan, Dune, and the Beetlejuice sequel, sandworm fans are eating good. Then you have Orthworm, who looks like Lowly Worm got roboticized. What a dopey idiot. Also it sprouts arms through its "windows", so it can't even properly commit to being a worm.

Plus, feels like a missed opportunity to not have a gimmick about being split in half and still surviving, especially since if it's meant to be a subway train that could just be decoupling its carriages or something.

 

Overall: 4/10 

No. 966: Revavroom

 Va-va-voom? You forgot one "va", and it was the most important one!

A confused Pokemon. Clearly it has a mouth, below the eye as most mouths are, but actually its mouth is up top and has a big floppy tongue. And I'm all for bringing back tongues in Pokemon, but the placement bothers me - either put the eyes up there, too, or don't put a false mouth down below!

Also, let's talk about the whole concept: It floats like a Ghost and has a body made of Rock, but it's Steel/Poison. Sure, a toxic engine would be Steel/Poison, but possessed objects tend to be ghostly (especially how Varoom floats around). And why's it got the rock wheels if it isn't going to be Rock? There's too much going on, here!

Like, any attempt to "ground Revavroom in reality" by going "well it can't literally be a car Pokemon, it has to be naturalistic, like it uses rocks as wheels" should have immediately gone out the window by realizing you're making a car engine Pokemon. Screw reality, just make a haunted car or whatever!

At least it has some semblance of a design, but I still think it's really weird. 

 

Overall: 2/10 

No. 965: Varoom

Parooooomba

What exactly am I looking at, here? An internal organ from some mechanical beast? Spare parts for Fred Flintstone's car? Some sort of AI-generated hallucination? Whatever it is, it sucks, and I want it to go away.

 

Overall: 1/10 

No. 959: Tinkaton

Lil' Miss Trouble

 

When I caught a Tinkatink, and evolved it into Tinkatuff, and looked at the space in the Pokedex to see there was a third form, I immediately predicted its name would be Tinkaton and I was not let down.

Tiny girls with big hammers are scientifically proven to be awesome, it's as simple as that. I love how ridiculously huge the hammer is, and I like the design of it this time, too! It's neat how the core of it is still the rattle from when it was a baby.

In fact, I appreciate how the design aspects grew with each stage of this line: the hair goes from a tiny tuft, to a ponytail, to twintails. Tinkatuff adds metal flanges at the hip, and now Tinkaton has 4 of them. The teeth grow over time, too. It's just really pleasing consistency.

And again, it cannot be stated enough, Tinkaton rocks. I think it's awesome that it knocks Corviknights down out of the sky. Gigaton Hammer is a based move. And her pose when sleeping is adorable.


Overall: 10/10

No. 958: Tinkatuff

Ruff 'n' Tuff

Tinkatuff fixes the proportions of Tintatink, but has the problem of so many middle evolutions that I'm just waiting for the final form.

Also I don't really like that hammer design, the way the metal is wrapped without any support, won't it just bend completely the moment you try to use it to hammer anything? It needs crossbar support to hold the sides up.

But still, Tinkatuff herself is well-designed.


Overall: 7/10

No. 957: Tinkatink

in the pink

 

the concept of a baby running around with a rattle made out of metal, whacking things and causing trouble, is terrifying. Little poopy pants babies should not be trusted with heavy dangerous objects. I think we should put Tinkatink in timeout until she can learn to behave.

Design-wise, my issue here is that Tinkatink is too abbreviated. Like, this line is always going to be gremlin-mode, but the absolute lack of a torso here looks really weird compared to the size of the arms.


Overall: 3/10

Hisuian Goodra

Wide Load Comin' Thru

See, now we've got a bit of the opposite problem - Goodra was the only member of its line that truly deserved its Dragon typing, but now it's doubled down on the snail motif to justify its Steel typing. Which I support on one hand, because consistency in evolution is key, but on the other hand... doesn't it look unbalanced? Like it can barely move? Hell, I'd just remove the legs and go Full Snail.

also, what's up with that dripping mucus? It's metallic, cuz it's a Steel-type, I get that. But like... why? Is it dripping mercury? Is this some sort of Metal Slime I should kill for massive EXP? Or did somebody just greyscale Goodra and not care about the implications? idk why green slime is so much more acceptable to me than silver slime, but it just is.

As a result of all of this, I somehow like Hisuian Goodra less than the normal version.

Overall: 6/10

Hisuian Sliggoo

Gary, come home!

I'm going to say it - this is pretty much what Sliggoo should have been like from the start. Instead of a weird soft-shell-snail, just commit to the bit and give my man a nice shell to call his own. Look at him, homie just woke up. He's sleepy!

but I'm also going to say it again - why the fuck is this line Dragon at all? At the very least, it ought to have a Poison or Bug typing in there somewhere, right? Nope, although I'll buy Steel for the shell at least.

still, it's a cute lil' guy, and I like how he rolls around in his shell. An improvement, at the end of the day.

Overall: 7/10

Molayne of the Alola Elite Four

 may as well get string bean out of the way, too

While a retired Trial Captain in SM, Molayne takes a spot on the Elite Four in USUM. But he's still dressing like it's a day off, you gotta have more flash than that! You specialize in Steel types, at least dress like Otacon or something and go with the technician style.

Instead, he looks like Steven Merchant by way of Professor Layton.

Overall: 1/10

Gigantamax no. 25: Duraludon

closing the year out with the last Gigantamax form in the base game

Vanilla Duraludon already looked kinda dopey, and Gigantamax Duraludon looks even worse. Bitch turned into a skyscraper, because that's a tall metal thing, right? Imagine having to commute and go to work in an office on the 35th floor of a goddamn Pokemon. I'd be sick. I would quit my job.

It's a damn shame they went this route, because so far none of the Gigantamaxes have leaned into the "giant mecha" niche, and this would have been a prime opportunity. But instead of Mechagodzilla we got the Burj Khalifa. Is that even the tallest building in the world anymore? Depends on when you read this blog, I suppose.

Overall: 200/1000

Gigantamax no. 24: Copperajah

uh

what happened here? Cufant was cute, Copperajah was a bit blocky but fine, and now Gigantamax Copperajah is this Super Paper Mario looking dipshit. Useless arms, immobile legs, body like a building block. Meanwhile, its trunk looks like one of those giant excavation machines, which would be cool but it's attached to this Thwomp of a pachyderm.

This shouldn't have been a hard one to get right! Elephants are known for being big, that's kind of their entire deal. Just build off everything that makes an elephant iconic and go from there, but instead it's an awkward bipedal suitcase with a waterslide stuck to the front. Why didn't they at least extend the back out further and get its other legs on the ground? Why did it have to be so TALL instead of also allowed to be LONG?

Unbalanced, unaesthetic, undesirable, unbelievably stupid.

Overall: 100/1000

Gigantamax no. 13: Corviknight

Six crows a-cawing

I feel bad for crows, their scientific name of Corvidae kinda got dragged through the mud by a certain lethal pandemic. I'm glad I did my review of the original Corviknight before that went down, so I don't have any cringey jokes to look back on. Instead, I'm making this cringey joke now. anyway

I can't tell what happened to justify this as Gigantamax? It's bigger and has pink highlights? it has Bits/Funnels like a Gundam, which is kinda cool, but that doesn't seem like it's worth becoming giant for. Just do a homing projectile attack.

Overall: 400/1000

Gigantamax no. 12: Melmetal

Seven metals melting

Okay this one goes hard. I'm a huge fan of big shoulders and big ol' punchy fists. I think you could slightly adjust the proportions and pass this off as a 3rd-stage evolution. Call it Meltyblud or something, idk

Gigantamax Melmetal would also work as a kaiju, I can imagine it attacking an Electric plant and hacking it to shut off all the power. And using its mercurial bits to ooze around people and absorb them. And then when they think they killed it... all the nuts fall to the ground, but the metal escapes, and re-forms using something else as its base!

Overall: 1000/1000

Galarian Stunfisk

"oh you missed some pokemon, oh you spelled Gigantamax wrong, oh you messed up your new scale" Look, who's writing this site, you or me!? Don't make me turn this blog around! (I joke, thank you for pointing out all the dumb mistakes I make)

It feels like every few generations, they have to create "mimic" Pokemon that look like a Pokeball in the overworld (and thus an item), but when you go to pick it up, they attack you. Voltorb, Foongus, and now Galarian Stunfisk. I'm calling it now - next time will be an anglerfish.

anyway, this guy's neat. I think it works better than normal Stunfisk, because the idea of a bear-trap makes more sense than a hidden electric pad or whatever. I think the green spots are meant to imitate footprints, to help it look safe. Although you can't even see them from the overworld.

Only weird thing is, the Mimicry ability changes its type based on the Terrain applied to the battle, but it doesn't really learn any terrain-changing moves! I guess it's for doubles?

Overall: 7/10

No. 889: Zamazenta

what the dog doin'

Zamazenta looks like it would form the chest piece of some shitty Megazord toy. I can practically smell the cheap plastic. It looks awkward and not nearly as cool as Zacian. Honestly, if they hadn't just done a lion last gen, making a legendary lion with its mane as a shield might have worked better? Or it could still have come across lame.

Oddly enough, the unarmored form is much better. It still looks plenty armored to be honest, just lacking the garish giant shield. You can appreciate the cool tuft of hair on its head, and see those badass battle scars. For Zacian it was like "ok that's neat I guess" but for Zamazenta this alternate form is actually lifting the rating up from being absolutely miserable.

Overall: 5/10

No. 888: Zacian

Great Grey Wolf Sif

Clearly the better of the two legendaries, and thus the reason why Sword is the superior choice. Not that it matters much, because Gamefreak got tired of programming actual different characters and areas into the games to justify releasing two versions, it's just a few Pokemon that you can get from trading online anyway.

But, Zacian looks regal enough, with a neat crown and golden wings. I like that he's not some all-powerful God of Abstract Concepts, just a cool mystical dog bearing a sacred weapon. That seems more in-line with what I want from a legendary.

He's got an armorless form, too - which really shows off the scars from countless battles, even a missing ear. I like how it just changes depending on if you literally equip its item or not. Of course you'd want it armored, which is the cooler form anyway (because it has a goddamn sword) but still.

Overall: 8/10

No. 884: Duraludon

How come all those kids in high school had lighters on them at all times, despite not smoking?  

What's weird is that according to the Pokedex, Duraludon is relatively light. You'd think he'd be one sturdy boy, but I guess that's aluminum armor. Or maybe he's hollow.

But I admire the restraint to not just make a literal lighter Pokemon - someone had the good idea to at least wrap it up in a basic Dragon monster design, and that's probably for the best. The game already has a literal teacup, after all.

I'm taking away points for the stainless steal turtleneck, though. It was a look on Best Jeanist, but at least he can turn his head. Duraludon looks like he's wearing a neck brace.

Overall: 5/10

No. 879: Copperajah

 the Minecraft pokemon

I hate that Copperajah is so blocky. It just reminds me of that awful Pokemon Quest game, which asked the question "What if we made a game with an even uglier art style than the Rumble games?"

The way its toenails are just a part of the leg itself, looking painted instead of natural, pisses me off. I know it's a Steel type, so it's allowed to look unnatural and synthetic, but somehow I just don't think it needed a rectangular ass body with sharp corners. And french fry tusks. What's infuriating is that the rocks on its head are plenty bumpy, so it doesn't even maintain the perfect cubic aesthetic.

And it's a shame, because the colors are great,and I think if it was just allowed to be more elephant-shaped instead of refrigerator-shaped I'd really dig it.

Overall: 4/10

No. 878: Cufant

 I don't know how to type out an elephant sound, so you'll have to imagine it yourself.

One day they'll listen to me and make that Ghost elephant Pokemon. Call it Pachydream. I don't care that Musharna sort of stole that gimmick, it's a tapir not an elephant.

Until then, Cufant is the first elephant Pokemon in quite a while, and thankfully it's a good one! The color scheme is striking, and in general it looks like it would pair well with Numel. I like how the trunk ends in a spade for digging up... whatever Elephants eat. Peanuts? do peanuts grow underground?

Overall: 7/10