No. 988: Slither Wing

 obscure 0² vibes, y'know?

Slither Wing got done dirty by the artwork. It doesn't communicate how the tail is actually as long as its body, how it has proper wings not just a single spine, and that it can walk on its hind legs. Especially when all we had was the blurry low-res Pokedex artwork, I thought it looked like a complete dud.

Turns out, Slither Wing is really cool! I don't know why this moth has a dinosaur tail, but I'm not complaining. It doesn't even feel like a moth anymore, but some weird hairy insect-reptile beast, which is awesome. I like how it's fuzzy and cute, but also has the right bodyplan to strike cool poses. 

 

Overall: 9/10 

Paldean Tauros

 doing this here with all the other regional evolutions, so I don't forget

For a Spain-inspired region, there's not a whole lot of Spanish flavor in Paldea. But if there's one thing I was looking forward to, it was a bullfighting Pokemon. El toro y el matador, you know? So what they decided to do with this easy layup is... odd, to say the least.

First up, it's just a regional form of Tauros. Which isn't awful, I mean they could have just made a new bull Pokemon, but they already have one, so hey. But when I saw it, I thought it was just a shiny Tauros. Then I noticed its horns were blunted. Somehow, this makes it a Fighting type.

I mean, yes, it is a bull that fights, because bullfighting, so Fighting, that's fine. But wouldn't that make it look, idk, more aggressive? Shouldn't the horns be emphasized, if anything?


Then I realized that there are multiple forms of this regional form, which seems pretty pointlessly confusing, especially since Blaze Breed is easily the best of the lot and should have been the only one. Fire/Fighting is a better combo, it has badass horns, plus the tail being braided into a bullwhip is such a cool detail! It's one of those rare regional forms that's just a straight improvement on the original in every way.


Finally, the Aqua Breed, just seems redundant. Why do we have this water buffalo? This isn't Veggie Tales. Its horns look dumb, and spinning its tails like a propeller in the water is barely anything.

But again, I have to ask: Why are there three of these guys? I would have simply done Blaze Breed on its own, that's Paldean Tauros, no further questions. If there must be multiple, then I suppose Fire and Water are traditional counterparts, whatever. But then why does there exist a third version whose defining characteristic is just "lacks the defining characteristics of the other two"? Especially since you could just use regular Kanto Tauros in that role. I don't get it.

 

Combat Breed: 6/10

Blaze Breed: 10/10

Aqua Breed: 4/10 

No. 980: Clodsire

 act of clod

Clodsire is also quite similar to Quagsire, the main different (besides coloration) being that he's laying down, and his limbs are appropriately short. This is the most plush-able Pokemon of all time. I want a giant one that I can sleep on.

Also, it sprouts spikes from its back when it attacks? is that something salamanders do? seems painful.

like Paldean Wooper, I prefer the original Quagsire, but that doesn't mean Clodsire is bad. In fact, it's wonderful. I wish to achieve the same inner peace that Clodsire demonstrates with its vacant smile.

 

Overall: 10/10 

Paldean Wooper

 whoppity whoop

Wooper was already perfect, so how does the poisonous chocolate version compare? Pretty well! They didn't even feel the need to change its proportions, like they did for Alolan Vulpix and a few others.

Its new antennae sort of look like crossbones, and the pattern on its belly suggest more bones, which I think is supposed to be like how poison bottles have a skull and crossbones on it to let you know pirates are nearby?  let you know it's dangerous? That's neat, I guess.

I dunno, I'm just not sure we really needed a new Wooper - a Newper, if you will - and at the end of the day I kinda like the original one better just cuz it was there first. But there's certainly nothing wrong with Paldean Wooper, if anything it feels like a new Shiny.

 

Overall: 10/10 

No. 979: Annihilape

 Local Ape Too Angry To Live

Cross-gen evolutions have historically been hit-or-miss, but I'm proud to announce that this one is very much a Hit. This is a Digimon-core Pokemon, in the best possible way. He's breaking out of his shackles, eyes red with anger, hair standing on end like he's channeling the Ultimate Fist of the Ass-Whuppin', and he does it all without becoming fat or throwing away Primeape's design motifs.

I can't say enough about how much I love what they did with the fur, here. It frays around his shoulders like Akuma's torn gi, hangs down like wise kung-fu master's beard, same for the ears becoming long eyebrows. It also reminds me of the sculptor from Sekiro, or any other sort of ascetic who's thrown away all notions of personal grooming to devote their life to a solitary pursuit. And you can call it super saiyan hair if you want, but I think it looks proper ghostly, waving with wrathful energy.

My only criticism is that the 3D model just has those three extraneous strands of hair floating around as if moored to the model, instead of making the whole hair flicker like flames. But I love this angry bastard so much, I can't hold it against him.

 

Overall: 10/10 

No. 975: Cetitan

WHITE WHALE
HOLY GRAIL

Cetitan looks freakin' awesome! As with Cetoddle, I'm on board with the concept and colors, but this guy is more proportional and looks like a badass. Just a big ol' tank of a Pokemon, smashing glaciers and kicking ass and not taking shit from anybody.

then

it opens its mouth. 

and ughhhh I really wish you hadn't done that! I assumed that all three spikes were on its forehead, and the jaw would open below them, but looking at how the underbelly is colored and how that line curves around, I guess I was trying to avoid seeing the truth. This guy's teeth are higher up than his eyeballs, which exist on a thin little flap of skin. Those big, cool horns? Also only anchored by a fragile bit of flesh, and arranged in a way that surely makes using that mouth for anything impractical.

I mean it's still pretty cool overall, but Cetitan loses several points just by openings its mouth.

 

Overall: 8/10 

No. 972: Houndstone

 Give a dog a bone

I feel like there was an opportunity for the first Ghost/Rock Pokemon, or at least Ghost/Ground considering Houndstone digs a lot and even gets Sand Rush as an ability (but not Sandstorm, oddly enough). In fact I'm honestly shocked to find out it's neither of these, I could have sworn it was during my playthrough.

But I think Houndstone is great! Probably the initial concept of "buried in the ground with a tombstone showing" started here, and they worked backwards to link the idea of "dogs burying bones" and "spirit candles" for Greavard.

I love his bony claws, but something about that lower jaw is just a little too cartoony for my taste. Otherwise, it's a Very Good Dog.

 

Overall: 9/10 

No. 971: Greavard

 it's a doggy dog world

One of the more muppet-like Pokemon I've ever seen, but I can dig it. (get it?) Greavard hides underground, but its candle sticks up, which is fantastic. The concept is great, and the design doesn't get in the way of itself - a simple color scheme is enough.

 

Overall: 8/10 

No. 970: Glimmora

 Will the real glim shady please stand up?

Okay, this artwork doesn't do it justice. Dream World, you're up!

Now that's the stuff! I was spoiled on most of the pokedex before playing the game, but Glimmora was a complete surprise to me, and it was really cool to see this weird flower growing out of the rock and realizing it was a Pokemon.

Again, it might be based on any number of things (to me it resembles an agave) but I think it's also cool to just be a weird freak. It has Starmie or Claydol vibes, which I love. Rock/Poison is a wild typing, and it has a neat niche as the ultimate hazard setter/spinner. The colors are great, too! I just can't get enough of Glimmora's bizarre beauty.

 

Overall: 10/10 

No. 959: Tinkaton

Lil' Miss Trouble

 

When I caught a Tinkatink, and evolved it into Tinkatuff, and looked at the space in the Pokedex to see there was a third form, I immediately predicted its name would be Tinkaton and I was not let down.

Tiny girls with big hammers are scientifically proven to be awesome, it's as simple as that. I love how ridiculously huge the hammer is, and I like the design of it this time, too! It's neat how the core of it is still the rattle from when it was a baby.

In fact, I appreciate how the design aspects grew with each stage of this line: the hair goes from a tiny tuft, to a ponytail, to twintails. Tinkatuff adds metal flanges at the hip, and now Tinkaton has 4 of them. The teeth grow over time, too. It's just really pleasing consistency.

And again, it cannot be stated enough, Tinkaton rocks. I think it's awesome that it knocks Corviknights down out of the sky. Gigaton Hammer is a based move. And her pose when sleeping is adorable.


Overall: 10/10

No. 956: Espathra

 Can't see my Poker Face

 

The colors, the stripes, the triangles, the ruffles... Espathra is an intensely Johto-coded Pokemon, and I love it. The way the bands around the neck and legs aren't just stripes of color, but have actual width to them, is a subtle touch that goes a long way in preserving this old-school feeling.

I love her sassy bob and piercing blue eyes. This is a bird who knows that she's the Queen of the Nile, and expects you to obey accordingly. Being an Egyptian ostrich doesn't have a damn thing to do with whatever Flittle was trying to be, but that's in the past. Now it's Espathra's time. And she is the moment. She is an icon, and she is a legend.


Overall: 10/10

No. 954: Rabsca

Whatever. Go my scarab

 

I gave Rellor a ton of shit (which he'd probably enjoy, the little freak) but Rabsca is worth the effort. I think the concept of a mystic scarab cradling the egg of the Dreaming World is really cool. The colors are striking, too!

Note: that is Rabsca's front you're seeing, not its back. That's a sleeping face, with a big white mustache and eyebrows, NOT the top of the beetle's head and its jaws/horns. Personally I wish it was the other way, but the ambiguity is probably intentional in the design. But it's a good design either way.

Revival Blessing is also pretty cool, though useless in-game if you can just buy Revives. I get why Rabsca learns it, that fits into the whole "magical scarab of rebirth" theme, and Pawmot uses its paws as a defibrillator or something, but it's funny that both of them are 1000-steps evolutions. Do you think Bramblin is jealous that it didn't get the move, too?


Overall: 8/10

No. 949: Toedscruel

"This isn't a war," said the artilleryman. "It never was a war, any more than there's a war between man and ants."

Original Tentacruel was a boss, so it should come as no surprise that Toedscruel is also a boss. Adding black to the color scheme is very striking, and completely fixes my issues with Toedscool. The big ol' snoot is a fair replacement for that ominous beak/claw, too.

 

The jellyfish -> mushroom remix works great, I think it looks ominous standing around like a freakish alien. Then it hops around, and you lose the mystique somewhat...

What's funny is that Gamefreak feels obligated to give every mushroom Pokemon access to the move Spore (the only 100% accurate Sleep-inducing move), but Toedscruel is fast. A fast sleeper would be broken, so they dealt with it the same way they did other potential super-threats like Regigigas or Slaking: Give it a terrible ability that actively makes it worse! As a result, all of Toedscruel's status moves automatically go last, meaning it can't put its high speed to use if you want to put things to sleep.

That said, unlike those other unfortunate Pokemon, it doesn't interfere with the rest of Toedscruel's stats or moves. So feel free to use it in-game like any other Pokemon, spamming Earth Power and Energy Ball.

Overall: 9/10

No. 941: Kilowattrel

or in America, Poundwattrel

 

 Kilowattrel looks like one of those classic Pokemon designs - take a recognizable animal (bird), tweak it a bit (big throat sac), and then add something cool (electric powers). But it turns out, the frigatebird is an actual bird that already looks exactly like this, except red. It even has the throat sac. So all they did was copy an existing animal and make it yellow.

So I guess I'll have to credit Mother Nature for the design, but it looks pretty cool anyway! aside from the eyes, those are Gamefreak originals and still pierce into my soul and weird me out. But the black-and-yellow color scheme looks sharp.

Kilowattrel is the odd Sp. Atk focused Flying-type, and combined with skyhigh Speed, it felt very strong to me and was almost on my final team.

Overall: 8/10

No. 937: Ceruledge

 Swordsoul of Mo Ye

Ceruledge was largely the deciding factor in my choice of Violet over Scarlet. Because as cool as Armarouge is, Ceruledge is even cooler. Twin flaming ghost blades? Sign me the hell up!

Again, I have to stress, this isn't a Pokemon design. And it's not a Digimon, either - it's a Medabot, or a Net Navi, or the star of an indie metroidvania game. But once again I will stress even harder, it's so damn cool I drop any pretense of having standards for stylistic unity. Ceruledge would have changed my brain chemistry if it existed when I was 9 years old.

Aside from everything I said about Armarouge (because most of it still applies), what makes Ceruledge so good is how the swords are done. They flare out when in battle like a lightsaber, and have a cool curve to them instead of just being straight blades, not to mention the way the cross-guard looks like flames itself. The trail of fire rising from its eye is just the cherry on top.

 

...bit weird how Charcadet is clearly meant to evolve into Armarouge, and hardly has any purple at all to justify a Ceruledge connection, but hey. We're ignoring a lot of faults, today. (I know they evolve with items, but in that case how come Armarouge looks like the "default"? Shouldn't Charcadet look unlike either of them, until an outside force interacts with it?)

Overall: 10/10

No. 936: Armarouge

FireMan.EXE

During the lead-up to Sword & Shield, Gamefreak didn't reveal that many Pokemon. For some, this was cool - they wanted to jump into the game unspoiled, with a sense of exploration. For me, who prefers to plan my teams out ahead of time, this was frustrating. I couldn't get excited when I didn't know the whole dex, and the ones they showed were dumbass losers.

 

They did not make the same mistake with Scarlet & Violet.

Armarouge and Ceruledge (we'll get there tomorrow) are freaking awesome. These two kick inordinate amounts of ass, and almost single-handedly convinced me that maybe Gen 9 would cook after all.

No, it doesn't look like a Pokemon. But it's so cool, I don't care. Yes, I thought it's name was Armarogue up until writing this review, because I'm very stupid and always mix up those two words, but that doesn't matter either. The colors are great, the typing is strong, the silhouette and proportions are heroic, the way the pauldrons turn into an arm cannon is sick as hell!

 

Overall: 10/10

No. 934: Garganacl

Nacl 3 baybeeeee 

Let it be known that I don't like Minecraft. I think it's an impressively ugly game, made by a weird loser, played by annoying children, and more popular than Jesus. If you were making a "build with Legos and walk around inside the things you build!" game, you could do a lot better than shitty voxel stuff. And the actual "survival" game of it, the fact that there's like a campaign you can do with bosses and shit? Not to mention the Story Mode spinoffs? It makes me sick. I wish kids were playing better games. I do not respect Minecraft, and I'm not a fan of the way everyone else has granted it some sort of nostalgic legitimacy. I guess it's cuz those kids grew up and are the taste-makers now. But I was there when it was just a java beta, I've seen it in diapers, and so I don't have to respect Minecraft.

(wew, good to get that off my chest)

Anyway, Garganacl is pretty cool! Finally, the blocky style works out, with sensible points of articulation for a fantasy rock monster. I dig the big shoulders that evoke a pyramid, and the striations on his limbs are neat. To me, this hits a similar appeal as Golurk. I want to play with the action figure version of it.

Overall: 8/10

No. 927: Dachsbun

Inugami Korone

Still adorable, and I still want to eat its ears. I believe they taste like cinnamon donuts. Or chocolate-covered ones? But the hair makes me reconsider things... not a fan of fur in my food.

But rather than being a loaf of bread with legs, it's clever how they worked the bread into the design in multiple ways. You can't see it from this image, but its spine looks like braided bread. And the Well-Baked Body is a clever ability, big fan of getting bonus Type immunities!

Actually, now I'm starting to think Daschbun is like a big savory pretzel. I wanna dunk it in honey mustard sauce and take a bite. OK now I'm hungry, review's over, I gotta get something to eat.

Overall: 9/10

No. 926: Fidough

how much is that doggy in the window

Fidough looks delicious. We've theorized for years about the "most edible Pokemon", but I think we have a new top dog. I wanna rip off its ears, spread some butter & jam on them, and have a snack. Does that make me a monster?

anyway, it's cute, and certainly whimsical enough to justify the Fairy typing. Even though Fairy Bread is Australian, not Spanish...

Overall: 8/10

No. 922: Pawmo

Pawmo Patrol

Speaking of throwback elements to older gens, Pawmo carries the tradition of being an ambiguous creature instead of a twist on a specific real-life animal. It's kind of a teddy bear, but listed as the "Mouse Pokemon", and also resembles a hamster? With Popeye arms and Iron Man repulsors blasts? I'm not sure why it's part Fighting-type, but Fighting/Electric is a dope typing so hey. It all kinda sorta works.

Also I wanna give it props for actually evolving, all the Pika-clones have just been meaningless single-stage losers but Gen 9 shakes it up. You can say it's a blatant Pikachu ripoff, but I'd say it's an artful homage to the buckwild design ethos of Gen 1.

Overall: 8/10