Raihan of Hammerlocke

the Kevin Durant of the Pokemon world

Raihan shows Piers how you rock a lanky frame, looking like a badass and staying on-brand. Check the coordination between shoes and hoodie, with the dragon-whisker laces. I wish we got to see more of him in the main game, because he's got a great design and his rivalry with Leon could be interesting.

Sadly, he ends up with one of the most pathetic gyms I've ever seen - you just step into his office, answer a few trivia questions, and battle a few trainers right there. It's a damn shame.

Sickass logo, though. and Raihan's hoodie looks mad comfy, I want to pull those drawstrings and make the "jaws" close up around his head.

Overall: 8/10

Piers of Spikemuth

God, wasn't it embarrassing when Piers starts to sing in his concert, but because there's no voice acting he's just shouting silently?

Honestly that little detail alone irreparably harmed Piers in my eyes. I know he's supposed to be this punk rocker, but I can't shake the image of him shaking his fist and lip-syncing into the microphone. So I'll try to give him a better examination here.

My man has the hair of an Octoling from Splatoon and the body of Midosuji from Yowamushi Pedal. That's a cool jacket and shoes, but those knobby knees aren't a good look. Piers is a victim of the need to wear something sports-related, so he ends up looking like one of those anemic marathon cyclists, but with a bunch of spiky accessories.

I think he's almost cool, but the hair is too alien and those knees are so distracting I don't even feel like giving him points for being involved with the storyline. Although it's admirable how he competes without using Dynamax, because it's a bullshit mechanic. 

His logo is just Team Yell, because they're actually just trainers from Spikemuth, but that's something we'll get into when we review the "Evil Team" themselves. For now, suffice to say that Piers falls a distant second to his sister.

Overall: 4/10

Melony of Chircester

forget Pikmin 4 I need HER 

Gamefreak gotta lot of nerve, making a stone-cold milf in the game and naming her Melony. Like how can I not make the obvious joke? But I'll resist, this is a Family blog, after all. (side note: anyone reading this with their family - there are probably better ways to spend your time together.)

I'm not sure if Frosmoth was designed first, or Melony, but they're perfect for each other. Big round soft maternal energy. She seems to have hooves instead of feet, but I can get over that. Just a really nice design, and check out the hidden triforce in her logo:

Whereas Bea and Allister are unconnected, aside from Ghost and Fighting being sorta opposites, Melony and Gordie have a cool little storyline, where she wanted him to become an Ice trainer and take over the gym, but he wanted to rock out as a Rock trainer. And depending on if you play Sword or Shield, I guess you see a different side of that argument.

Overall: 10/10

Gordie of Circhester

big dick is back in town, baby

Gordie's got a case of flat-foot like we saw with Milo, but aside from that the dude is a major boss. He does a backflip for no reason when he sends out his Pokemon! and despite being hugely popular, he's not an asshole about it. He's just honestly that cool.

I do want to question his wardrobe, though - that two-tone jacket is like something the In-Betweener would wear, and I'm not sure if dying his naturally bleach-blonde hair a shade of banana yellow was the best call. But I guess when you've got all the natural swag and charisma of Jack Black, you can pull anything off.

I think it's neat that Gordie is a chubby guy who's portrayed as legitimately cool in the game, instead of a joke. and I do think he's cool, he just needs better taste in outfits.

Overall: 7/10

Opal of Ballonlea

Triplets of Bellville (or would that be Solo of Bellville?)

You know how I ragged on Allister for the confusing theme? Opal has no such problems, because she's just a bad bitch. Sure, she's wearing the glove, but there's no attempt to be "sporty" here. Just old lady cotton candy drip.

Opal is seriously amazing, she's reached the age where she no longer gives a shit and just does whatever she wants. Yubaba vibes.

And the way she forcibly adopts Bede to snap him out of his emo phase... it's too good. She's just the best, and that gigantic poof around her neck gives her a unique top-heavy silhouette.

Overall: 10/10

Allister of Stow-on-Side

Shy Guy

Allister is the first one for whom the sports theme falls apart. He's a weirdo masked kid with baggy sleeves, who needs suspenders to hold up his shorts. Maybe they'd stay up on their own if he didn't weigh them down with those chunky Pokeball-holders, but. My man has clearly never been involved in athletic activity in his life. He has the body of a heavy reader, not a heavy lifter.

And usually I'm all about people with cool masks, but Allister isn't cool enough to deserve that respect. He's a shy nerd, nothing more. Get outta here with your frilly shoes.

And we're not even going to talk about the Black Sperm logo he's trying to use.

Overall: 3/10

Bea of Stow-on-Side

stanced up like a Dangan Ronpa character

Galarian Youmu is pretty cool. I'm a fan of the vaccum-sealed midriff, and being martial-arts themed means she plays the sporty aesthetic off well. It's a shame she doesn't end up having much personality or role in the story, though.

But still, how can you hate a karate girl who can hold her own against freaking Machamps?

Overall: 7/10

Kabu of Motostoke

The Professional

I love this guy. He's not really doing anything for his typing, but he's committed to the Footballer bit like no other. I've never seen so muscular knees. Kabu has "wily veteran" vibes, he's an older statesman of the league but still just as sharp as ever.

And I dig the extra detail we get about him - he's originally from Hoenn, but came to Galar to compete. Then he even dropped to the minor leagues before bouncing back. Dude has had a goddamn career, and I bet if you include his Hoenn stats he'd be an easy all-timer. It's cool how you get a preview of Motostoke before making the loop to actually attempt his gym, it's a great build-up and makes that first third of Sword/Shield the strongest part.

His logo amazing, btw. A samurai-style kabuto helmet, but also a reference to his ace Pokemon Centiskorch! If I lived in Galar, I think I'd definitely be a Kabu fan. Not only does he use one of my favorite Pokemon from the region, but I want to see the ol' gunslinger lace 'em up one more time and show those kids a thing or two.

Overall: 10/10

Nessa of Hulbury

rare sighting of the Loch Nessa Monster

 

There's a bit of a unifying design trend with the Gym Leaders in Galar - they're all sporty, because this league is run like a tournament. It's a cool idea, and goes with the British obsession with Football (although you could just have easily done the same for Unova, with New York's various sporting obsessions). Some of the leaders find it hard to work in the sponsor logos and weird tiny glove, but Nessa isn't one of them.

No, she makes this shit look good. I feel like there's perhaps 1 too many colors going on here, between the 3 shades of blue and green jewelry, but it's not enough to ruin a stellar design. My only other note is her ankle-floaties - usually people put flotation devices near the parts that need to stay above the water, like heads. But Nessa's feed will never drown. So that's cool.

Am I going easy on her because she's a babe? Possibly. But she's also a Queen, which is more important.

Overall: 9/10

Milo of Turffield

Got that Farmer Strength

 

Milo belongs to that subset of Pokemon characters who lack white sclera. He just has pupils floating underneath his eyebrows, like Krillin. Also like Krillin, he's incredibly jacked and doesn't have a nose.

something else that stands out in his artwork is his feet - he looks like he's standing in a puddle or something, right? Like there's got to be another 2 inches of foot we aren't seeing? Or else this man has the flattest feet I've ever seen. I think he did his leg day, did he skip Foot Day?

Maybe he's related to the Fire Emblem Awakening characters.

I'll be using their insignia instead of the actual badges they give you, because those are just pieces of a cookie and don't really matter. But their logos are kinda cool. And despite all the weird anatomy, I like Milo. Big himbo vibes.

Overall: 7/10

Galarian Darmanitan

GORILLA TACTICS

No matter the region, this line stays winning. Galarian Darmanitan seems more chill (hah) than the OG, covering up that manic grin with a Santa Claus beard, and the flaming eyebrows with a wobbly afro. When viewed from behind, it makes the visual impression of a snowman, which is kinda nice I guess but feels a bit unnecessary considering the Zen Form this time is LITERALLY a snowman. So I would've done something else with the head, maybe just big frosty brows?

But still, it's a good design. and I appreciate the ability to turn off your brain and return to Monke with its ability, powering up a move but locking you into using ONLY that move. This can be combined with Choice Scarf to make it a goddamn terror.

But that's not all! The Zen Form gimmick returns, although I don't know if it's better than simply brute forcing things with Gorilla Tactics. But it does solve some problems the original had - this Zen mode still procs when at 50% HP, but it makes Galarian Darmanitan faster and even stronger, instead of reducing speed and swapping its primary damage statlines. And it becomes the series' first Ice/Fire type, which is neat!

I think the design is almost good, but the flaming carrot nose is positioned just a bit too high up between the "eyes", looking like a horn instead of the nose. Nice to see the psychotic grin return, though.

All in all, no matter how you look at it, Galarian Darmanitan is a lot of fun to use and kick ass.

Overall: 10/10

Galarian Darumaka

a holly jolly fellow

I liked regular Darumaka. I like Galarian Darumaka. Both are two sides of a coin, chili vs chilly. I like how the artwork depicts them with dancing on the other foot, and how the Galarian version is making the opposite expression. He's less mischievous-grin, more concerned-grimace.

But this design is so good, it looks like it could be the original version of the Pokemon. Some regional forms are clearly playing on your expectations based on the original, but Galarian Darumaka just takes all the same solid design principles and applies them through a lens of ice, rather than fire. Well done.

Overall: 8/10

Galarian Stunfisk

"oh you missed some pokemon, oh you spelled Gigantamax wrong, oh you messed up your new scale" Look, who's writing this site, you or me!? Don't make me turn this blog around! (I joke, thank you for pointing out all the dumb mistakes I make)

It feels like every few generations, they have to create "mimic" Pokemon that look like a Pokeball in the overworld (and thus an item), but when you go to pick it up, they attack you. Voltorb, Foongus, and now Galarian Stunfisk. I'm calling it now - next time will be an anglerfish.

anyway, this guy's neat. I think it works better than normal Stunfisk, because the idea of a bear-trap makes more sense than a hidden electric pad or whatever. I think the green spots are meant to imitate footprints, to help it look safe. Although you can't even see them from the overworld.

Only weird thing is, the Mimicry ability changes its type based on the Terrain applied to the battle, but it doesn't really learn any terrain-changing moves! I guess it's for doubles?

Overall: 7/10

Galarian Moltres

like a phoenix from the ashes

OH YEAH THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! Moltres was the weakest of the Kanto trio, but Galarian Moltres is the best of the new generation. And that's saying something, as the other two are quite good as well!

But you just can't beat the godlike color scheme of Brett "The Hitman" Hart, especially not when it's all on fire like that. Honestly this thing barely resembles Moltres anymore, with the hooked beak, but that's fine because Moltres was a big dumb chicken and Galarian Moltres is some avenging spirit of flaming majesty.

Overall: 10/10

Galarian Zapdos

remember when the Australians lost a war to some emus?

Zapdos was my favorite of the original trio, but the same isn't true for Galarian Zapdos. That's not to say he's bad, simply that the others got even better in Galar. Putting this one on the ground is a bold choice, and required playing with the proportions more than the rest - strong legs, big tail to balance out for the small wings. Which works, for the most part. Being the first Flying/Fighting is a nice distinction, too.

And while I think I still like original Zapdos better, Galarian Zapdos still kicks ass. I regret giving the o.g. a mere 8 back then, because that's where I'd place the revamp, and I'd like to show some difference. Alas, I'm not so cowardly as to go back and edit my old review scores for internal consistency.

Overall: 8/10

Galarian Articuno

mag freaking neato

Speaking of villains, Galarian Articuno looks like another boss. Never seen a bird cross its arms and hover menacingly before, but he's pulling it off. And he shoots laser beams from his eyes! I think Galarian takes on the Legendary Birds was a great idea, and I hope the next game does the same for the Legendary Dogs.

I wasn't too keen on the original Articuno, so this new form being so sick is a welcome improvement.

Overall: 9/10

Galarian Slowking

oh he EVIL evil

goddamn I love this. the Shellder has assumed control of Slowking, and turned him into a 70s anime villain. You can just imagine this guy commanding his legions of mooks to attack the heroes as he plots to steal the moon or blow up North America.

I even like how he's not fully purple, to show that this is a poison infecting the body, which is left as a puppet. If you remove the cursed helmet, maybe Slowpoke can be saved. But likely, even after learning his tragic backstory, he'll have to die when his flying gunship explodes.

See, this is just the right amount of goofiness for me. He's a badass evil mastermind, even though he's still sort of a dumpy pink hippo-thing.

Overall: 10/10

Galarian Slowbro

Metroid Dread was mad good btw

I like how Slowbro is looking at the Shellder on his arm like "this can't be good"

except it IS good! Arm cannons rock. And since we already have a split evolution if Slowpoke gets bit on its tail or head, makes sense that biting other parts leads to other evolutions. Curiously, though it only got bit on one hand, the poison appears to be spreading to its other hand as well, not to mention its head and tail. But those were already discolored before, so whatever.

Pokedex tells me it's causing a "chemical reaction" with the "natural spices" inside Galarian Slowbro's body, and that sounds like as good an explanation as anything that happens in these games.

Overall: 8/10

Galarian Slowpoke

boneless slowpoke

hey, what if I dipped your Slowpoke in some honey mustard sauce? would he lose his Water typing somehow? maybe his tail would taste better?

idk what you want from me, this shit is lazy as hell

Overall: 2/10

Galarian Weezing

and an epic bacon mustache waffle to you too, good sir! *tips hat*

Gamefreak has this idea that when you make something really tall, it gets really funny. Except I'm not laughing. It was dumb as hell for Alolan Executor, and Galarian Weezing is dumb as hell, too.

I don't appreciate this Doug Dimmadome (owner of the Dimsdale Dimmadome) looking bastard and his smoggy mustache, which you must realize is just putrid gas hanging around his face. Think about that. Euugh.

I think the literal stovepipe hats don't have to be a silly concept, and you could probably design a whole Pokemon line around that. Some sort of Poison/Steel factory robot mech? instead, we have British Cosplay Weezing, who is part Fairy because who knows anymore

Overall: 1/10