No. 985: Scream Tail

 I whip my hair back and forth

I mean, yeah, it's Jigglypuff with a Majin Buu head tendril, what else is there to say? Kinda stupid, not really sure what we're doing here.

I'm also not sure what's up with these names, can't we get actual Pokemon names? Even Ultra Beasts had names. Call this pink bitch Jigglypunk or something.

The one thing I'll give 'em is that I admire the consistency of design motifs - yellow eyes, eyeshadow, fangs, usually a tail, and extra hair. They decided those are the elements that define "prehistoric" and are determined to represent them in each one. I like that.

 

Overall: 3/10 

Paldean Tauros

 doing this here with all the other regional evolutions, so I don't forget

For a Spain-inspired region, there's not a whole lot of Spanish flavor in Paldea. But if there's one thing I was looking forward to, it was a bullfighting Pokemon. El toro y el matador, you know? So what they decided to do with this easy layup is... odd, to say the least.

First up, it's just a regional form of Tauros. Which isn't awful, I mean they could have just made a new bull Pokemon, but they already have one, so hey. But when I saw it, I thought it was just a shiny Tauros. Then I noticed its horns were blunted. Somehow, this makes it a Fighting type.

I mean, yes, it is a bull that fights, because bullfighting, so Fighting, that's fine. But wouldn't that make it look, idk, more aggressive? Shouldn't the horns be emphasized, if anything?


Then I realized that there are multiple forms of this regional form, which seems pretty pointlessly confusing, especially since Blaze Breed is easily the best of the lot and should have been the only one. Fire/Fighting is a better combo, it has badass horns, plus the tail being braided into a bullwhip is such a cool detail! It's one of those rare regional forms that's just a straight improvement on the original in every way.


Finally, the Aqua Breed, just seems redundant. Why do we have this water buffalo? This isn't Veggie Tales. Its horns look dumb, and spinning its tails like a propeller in the water is barely anything.

But again, I have to ask: Why are there three of these guys? I would have simply done Blaze Breed on its own, that's Paldean Tauros, no further questions. If there must be multiple, then I suppose Fire and Water are traditional counterparts, whatever. But then why does there exist a third version whose defining characteristic is just "lacks the defining characteristics of the other two"? Especially since you could just use regular Kanto Tauros in that role. I don't get it.

 

Combat Breed: 6/10

Blaze Breed: 10/10

Aqua Breed: 4/10 

No. 978: Tatsugiri

I've never had a piece of sushi that didn't make me think "wow, this would be even better if they had just cooked the fish"

Bulbapedia twists itself into knots trying to justify why this edible morsel is part Dragon. Sure, that Curly form resembles a shachihoko, which is a dragon-fish seen on the tops of Japanese roofs (akin to the European gothic gargoyle). But it's not named Shachigiri, is it? The Japanese name is Sharitatsu, because shari is "sushi rice". But that's not Shachihoko, either. In fact, it's the "tatsu" part that makes it a Dragon, because that's what Tatsu means. So, okay, fine, it's a fish that's arbitrarily given dragonic qualities, that's fine. So why doesn't it look like it? Droopy and Stretchy forms don't have any bit of shachihoko in 'em, and NONE of that has anything to do with being some damn sushi.

Anyway.

The gimmick about jumping into Dondozo's mouth to command it like some sort of giant fishy mech is fun. It's a shame double battles aren't more prevalent in the main game, but whatever. I just don't get why it has to be sushi.

Like, the idea that it imitates food to lure in prey, then boom surprise here's Dondozo, why are other Pokemon looking to eat sushi? It inflates its stomach sac to imitate rice, for what reason? People eat sushi. Not wild animals. I think you could've done this entire gimmick and just made them big fish + little fish. 

And I still don't understand why any of that makes it a Dragon.

 

Overall: 3/10 

No. 976: Veluza

Vaultin' Veluzas!

One of the more horrifying Pokemon, Veluza literally fillets itself in order to boost its speed.



What I don't understand is why it's not related to the sushi Pokemon, Tatsugiri (coming up soon) is a completely unrelated fish. Also, between the metal coloration, translucent purple fins, angular noise-pattern-looking interior, and the way its flesh chunks just expand outwards, makes it feel like a robot. But it's not Steel-type at all, it's Water/Psychic.

idk, I don't want to think about Veluza any more than I have to. Plus we already had Barraskewda in the last gen, if you really need a seaborne danger sausage flying at mach-5 speeds.

 

Overall: 3/10 

No. 968: Orthworm

 Would you still love me if I were a worm?

Between Dandadan, Dune, and the Beetlejuice sequel, sandworm fans are eating good. Then you have Orthworm, who looks like Lowly Worm got roboticized. What a dopey idiot. Also it sprouts arms through its "windows", so it can't even properly commit to being a worm.

Plus, feels like a missed opportunity to not have a gimmick about being split in half and still surviving, especially since if it's meant to be a subway train that could just be decoupling its carriages or something.

 

Overall: 4/10 

No. 961: Wugtrio

 what if there were 3 of them

Not a fan of reversing the color scheme, the pink bodies make them look somehow obscene. And the fact that they all come out of the rock, which then slides around all over the place when they move, is awful. This is a Pokemon that was designed to exist as a static image, not a 3D model that moves through the environment, which you'd think would be the opposite of how they design them nowadays.

 

Overall: 3/10 

No. 957: Tinkatink

in the pink

 

the concept of a baby running around with a rattle made out of metal, whacking things and causing trouble, is terrifying. Little poopy pants babies should not be trusted with heavy dangerous objects. I think we should put Tinkatink in timeout until she can learn to behave.

Design-wise, my issue here is that Tinkatink is too abbreviated. Like, this line is always going to be gremlin-mode, but the absolute lack of a torso here looks really weird compared to the size of the arms.


Overall: 3/10

No. 946: Bramblin

I'm a Bramblin' Man

 

It's funny how in Pokemon, the desert areas are almost always associated with Ghost-types (as well as Ground). "Ancient ruins hidden by the sand" seems to be the theme, although in this case I think the reasoning is that it's like a lonely tumbleweed rolling through a deserted western town... a ghost town, if you will.

But, I fear Bramlin might be my Vanilluxe. I liked that icy bastard, but where other people said "oh my god its literally just an ice cream cone" I see Bramblin and think "oh my god its literally just a tumbleweed". Which isn't accurate, I know - a real tumbleweed wouldn't have so much empty space inside, much less any floating eyes.

But that just makes me think, is a tumbleweed really that interested to be the entire concept? It's Ghost-type, but I don't see much spookiness. If anything, the shape reminds me of Chandelure, and then I'm thinking about a much cooler Pokemon. Which is also an object-mon, but for some reason it's different. I liked Minior, too, which is also very similar. Not sure why Bramlin just leaves me so cold.

idk, I think it could have used a jaunty cowboy hat, or maybe it should be a little imp running around inside the tumbleweed-cage, like a hamster ball.

Overall: 4/10

No. 942: Maschiff

the angriest doggy in the world

One of the niches nobody talks about is the "basic route 1 mammal, except its DARK". Like, in what world is Poochyena and Purrloin so damn evil that they have to be Dark-type, instead of Normal? Is it just so that they can get STAB from using Bite? I mean, it's a bit of early type diversity so I can't say I mind, but.

Maschiff looks like a smacked ass. I don't like his beady little Gen-2 eyes, or the way he has to talk out the side of his mouth like Cerebus the Aardvark. Also, there's just something about his color scheme that I don't like.


Overall: 3/10

No. 939: Bellibolt

 my eyes are up here

Bellibolt doesn't even look like a final evolution. It's gotta be the awkward middle stage, right? We've got a badass electric Poliwrath coming up next, right? No? Ah, well shit.

The elephant in the room is the eye-cheeks situation. See, you would think that its eyes are the big eyeballs on the sides of its head where a frog's eyes normally go, but actually it's the goofy little face in the middle! Those aren't nostrils, they're eyeballs! Don't you feel tricked?

Well, yep, you really tricked me, Bellibolt! I almost didn't realize you're just a green Lubba from Super Mario Galaxy 2. idk, it just makes me wonder what the point is. To give little kids and annoying adults something to "um, actually" their friends about? It doesn't make the actual design better, in fact it just confuses what ought to be a decent electric Chansey pastiche.

See? isn't that just better? The shape is fine, it's a round bouncy friend. But we get rid of the weird eye-cheeks, and make the actual eyes more alive, instead of looking like the real face is a flat decal sticker. Now I dislike the original even more, because I've had a glimpse of what could have been.

Overall: 3/10

 

P.S. what if the belly is the REAL eyeball???

No. 933: Naclstack

btw NaCl is Sodium Chloride, the chemical formula for "salt", in case you haven't had it explained 4000 times by now

Remember NakNacks? Those weird blocky dudes from the early 2000s, where you were supposed to stack them or collect them or possibly play some sort of game with them (it was never clear to me)? Well, Naclstack doesn't look like them at all, aside from having blocky parts. I just wanted to see if anybody else remembered those, or if it was my own imagination.

Naclstack is more animate than Nacli, which brings him up from "poorly-conceived" to merely "ugly". I just don't like his Minecraft ass.

Overall: 4/10

No. 931: Squawkabilly

 these guys only give you 1 gold coin when you spray them

It's been a while since I've gotten to complain about another useless Normal/Flying type. Corviknight was Flying/Steel, Toucannon was actually cool, and Talonflame was Fire/Flying. After years of generic flying feathery assholes, Gamefreak finally figured out the secret to making good birds was to make them NOT just a basic bitch Normal/Flying bird.

So it fills me with a mixture of nostalgia and ire to report that Squawkabilly sucks. I like a pompadour, but its become depreciated in recent years. And I don't care about the multi-color gimmick, because Squawkabilly isn't even good enough to want to collect 1, much less the whole set.

The design isn't offensive, and in fact I appreciate how it hones closer to classic design sensibilities with the complex feather arrangements and detailed feet, but it's still just so boring.

Overall: 4/10

No. 924: Tandemaus

two of them 

Sanrio's latest mascot characters are adorable. Well, to be accurate, they're inspired by the Sylvanian Family toys, but the point is these lil' fellas are cute.

But at the same time... oddly creepy. They have that dead-eyed doll stare. I would hate to own one of these and wake up in the middle of the night to find them standing on my dresser, looking at me.

Also, the two-tone coloring is too subtle. I honestly didn't even know they had coloration until seeing their artwork, in-game it just comes across as solid white due to how small the models are most of the time.

Overall: 4/10

No. 921: Pawmi

2X PIMPY 3X BAPE

Pawmi looks like one of those intensely inbred pit bulls, or maybe an over-inflated Pikachu. Every aspect of it looks puffed up. Bro is the size of a jelly donut and likely to be squished like one.

I'll give it props for bringing back that type of glossy eyes, though. Feels like a throwback design element to the older gens, which is appropriate for a Pika-clone.

Overall: 4/10

No. 919: Nymble

Jack be Nymble

The worst thing about Nymble is that it's so Goddamn tiny that I keep running into it in the wild by accident.

The second worst thing about Nymble is that its eyes look like it's constantly on the verge of tears, eyes blurring and about to cry.

The third worst thing about Nymble is that... well, maybe there isn't one. But I can't think of a "best thing" about Nymble, either. Those wings are kinda weird? Cuz they're actually legs? Is that worth any points?

Overall: 3/10

No. 915: Lechonk

 no match for Guybrush Threepwood, mighty pirate!

Every route, we get a boring ass Normal type rodent in the early routes. Nobody likes them, nobody uses them, and yet they persist. Of course, last time it was a sheep - not a rodent, not even by the loosest approximation. Neither is a pig, and perhaps it's no coincidence that both Wooloo and Lechonk have been better than the usual fare.

I mean, it's still nothing great, let's be honest. I used to throw these suckers into the ocean in Wind Waker by the bushel. But at least it's not another groundhog-adjacent vermin. 

Overall: 4/10

No. 912: Quaxly

Todomatsu lookin ass

I think copyright laws are pretty dumb most of the time, and overly stringent. That said, I kinda wish Disney would come along and copyright strike this Donald Duck ripoff right out of the game. I hate looking at him and his silly little hat. Quaxly looks like the annoying Animal Crossing villager who moves to your town and refuses to leave no matter how many times you hit him with a net.

Overall: 3/10

No. 910: Crocalor

back to awkward middle stages

So when I first saw this guy, I thought it was a jaunty sombrero. Fitting, given the Latin flair in Fuecoco's name and the Dia de los Muertos theme that Skeledirge ends up with. But in this artwork, it really doesn't look like a sombrero at all. Probably because it's intended to be a nest, for an egg.

And yeah, it could be both a hat AND a nest, but it's kinda disappointing because big wide-brimmed sombreros are awesome and birds are dumb. But I guess it explains where the bird comes from for Skeledirge.

if it sounds like I'm already trying to move along to the next evolution, it's because Crocalor is a dumpass who doesn't even have a cool hat.

Overall: 3/10

Hisuian Qwilfish

I swear I saw this in a New Super Mario Bros. game

Sometimes, they revisit iconic Pokemon and remix them into cool new regional forms. Other times, they pluck unpopular Pokemon from obscurity and try to rebrand them in the hopes of getting somebody, anybody, to care about them. Hisuian Qwilfish is the latter.

It's Dark/Poison now, and makes a big deal out of being Poisonous with its new signature move Barb Barrage, which is confusing because it was already Water/Poison. being Dark is the new part, but that's not where the emphasis lies?

The coolest thing about Hisuian Qwilfish is that it has the number 9 on its tail, representing the grand total of Qwilfish fans in the entire world.

Overall: 3/10

No. 899: Wyrdeer

Yeah, I've been saying for a while that they should make Stantler an Ice-type, we don't have any reindeer Pokemon and -

oh. it's Normal/Psychich, not Ice at all? I guess that's more of a "wise old sage" beard than a "Santa Claus" beard. Well, that's disappointing.

Although, I may have to give points for being a reliable steed during most of Arceus: Legends. The way it handles like an ATV helps to open up the game in a big way, jumping up hills and out-running hostile Pokemon. That's important, because an open-world game like this lives or dies on "is it fun to traverse the environment".

On the other hand, I don't like its jowls. And the horns have gotten too abstracted from the "false eyes" gimmick, now they're like antennae for broadcasting psychic attacks? Actually hold up, that sounds sick. Maybe Wyrdeer might be cool, actually??? But it still feels like a waste when Girafarig already exists in Gen 2 as the Normal/Psychic ungulate. 

Overall: 4/10