No. 534: Conkeldurr

Donkelderp


Now, c'mon, Conkeldurr? Seriously? Conkeldurr? This got stupid in a hurry.

Conkeldurr has all the problems of Gurdurr, but magnified. He's a dopey old man with a clown nose, a name that isn't even a pun anymore, and two random pieces of concrete that he carries. He's not badass, he just looks geriatric and lame. The only thing redeeming him at all is that when you think about it, using the shattered halves of a freaking pillar of concrete is pretty hardcore. I just wish he slung them over his shoulder like a boss, instead of leaning on them like a walker.

and I must admit I find it hilarious that his lower body is exactly the same size as it was when he was Timburr. Apparently all he does is lift.


Overall: 2/10

No. 533: Gurdurr

Dial G for Gurdurr

Timburr was a pun, and I guess Gurdurr is too, but at least the former didn't contain the infamous "durr" syllable, that signifies herping and derping and generally not having more brain strength than the average eclair.

He looks like Komusubi from Eyeshield 21, and that isn't a good thing. For all his guts, the guy was a little bitch. Clown-nose isn't cool, nor is cauliflower-hair. I'm back to talking about Gurdurr now, by the way.

Urg. I know what they were going for, and I know what's coming, but I still don't want it to happen. Timburr was damn near perfect. Gurdurr is a freaking dud.


Overall: 3/10

No. 532: Timburr

guess who's about to run a carpentry train on your ass


It's Timburr. The answer is Timburr. Timburr is going to absolutely wreck some fools. Look at his grin, look at the way he carries that plank. Don't anybody dare mess with this guy, you'll end up with splinters in your ass.

I love this little guy, he's a true contender for my favorite of the entire gen. Reminds me of Machop (surprise surprise) in a good way. He isn't really any specific animal, but easily identifiable, and looks like a powerhouse in training.

I especially like how he TOSSES HIS PLANK behind his back during his idle animation. That's just so swag, I almost can't believe it. Seriously, this guy rocks.


Overall: 10/10

No. 531: Audino

Remember Chansey? Remember how it was a nurse or something? Remember how it ate its own eggs, and enjoyed soaking up damage masochistically?

Because I used to, and it gave me nightmares. But then Audino came along, and made it all okay. Audino is like a wonderful oasis in a desert of pain and sadness. You're hurting, you need some experience, but you also don't want a fainted Poke on your hands. But then, angels sing out, and a peace settles on the battlefield.

Audino poses no threat, it learns like maybe 2 moves that do any damage whatsoever, and one of its moves even HEALS the opponent. It gives you boatloads of exp, it's like a Metal Slime that isn't that hard to find and doesn't run away, it's just a wonderful thing.

And the reason I brought up Chansey is because while Chansey may be a cannibalistic egg-thing that heals itself, Audino would be the perfect nurse. Again, it has a move that heals the other guy. That's some commitment to altruism, right there.


Overall: 7/10

No. 530: Excadrill

I used to have these little paddle shovels, that you'd hold like katars, and I'd always dig up the beach with them. That's what these guys' shovel hands remind me of.

I loved Drilbur, but I got some beef with his older bro here. Mainly, those little red nubs he's got on his knees, elbows, and the side of his head. What's up with those dots? They aren't pronounced enough to count as spikes, they just stick out there like unwanted pimples.

The war paint on his face and splash of color on his chest are also kinda strange. It's like he painted himself up for battle, Lord of the Flies style. And just like in that book, the conch (Cloyster, Water/Ice) would totally own his Ground-based ass. But who's The Beast, then? Oh wait, he's got Steel as well. That would give him an advantage, since he'd certainly go first.

Well, I still like his shovel-hands, but I wish he'd gone more drill-like. Also hey, is that Crash Man's visor thing on his head?


Overall: 5/10

No. 529: Drilbur

I musta been psychic yesterday when I mentioned drills, because this boy got spiral power out the wazoo


Drills in general are cool, even before Gurren Lagann. My favorite Godzilla monster was Megalon, that giant cockroach that spat napalm, had a horn that shot lightning, and his two hands were like halves of a drill, and he could put them together and burrow and stuff. Also he could fly. Also he was from Atlantis. Also I am now realizing that a lot of Godzilla movies sound like fever dreams when you talk about them later.

But that's besides the point, Drilbur is here now. I like his how his body is brown and his face is white, like it's a mask or peeking out of a hoodie or something, it's neat. And I'm a sucker for things folding up neatly, so the way his claws perfectly line up into shovels, but can split apart into knives, is a big turn-on. And I'm pretty damn sure he can put his hands together like Megalon, right? If not, he should.

Maybe the reason he feels so fresh and new is the fact that the last "mole" Pokemon we had was Diglett, who wasn't so much an actual mole as a whack-a-mole.

So I think Drilbur is awesome, but you don't have to believe me. You don't even have to believe in yourself. Just believe in me, who believes in you, and I believe that Drilbur is awesome. Who the hell do you think you are!? I am!!


Overall: 9/10

No. 528: Swoobat

really not gonna win any prizes for naming originality here, guys


It was just a puffball, but then BOOM a head and butt grew out of it. And the head has a big ol' goofy grin, eyes right where I said they would look dumb, and (curiously) two ears merged into one. I really don't get that last bit, freaking why!? Does it fold up like a drill and tunnel through rocks? I'd hope so, but I don't think it does.

Then that strange little tail, it makes me feel uncomfortable. Naked, ratlike tails have never been my favorite, and when you have two tails that intertwine with each other and for some sort of gripper, I like them even less.

The whole thing just looks ridiculous now, and a little unsettling, is what I'm getting at.


Overall: 4/10

No. 527: Woobat

totally not Zubat you guys totally


See, it's a cute lil' puff ball. With tiny devil wings, and a single lil' fang. Looks like a dust bunny come to life, to me. It's totally the Zubat replacement, but it's actually such a different take on it, aside from the name, I don't mind. It'a a good way to give people a flyer with a more unique typing, too.

But that nose... I don't think I like that nose. One single nasal? That is an awfully large orifice. Also, I really don't like the idea that those w's are its eyes all closed, that would put the nose too high and give it an overall dopey expression. If the eyes are higher up, just invisible, then it looks more intelligent.

But let's get back to that nose. Doesn't it kiss people with that thing? Leaving heart-shaped stamps on them? That shit is mad wack, yo. Who the hell kisses people with their noses. That's just asking for someone to kiss you back, and stick your tongue up your nose, and from there I don't want to think about it anymore.


Overall: 6/10

No. 526: Gigalith

it's like my wildest dreams of what I want in a Rock-type came together all at once, on my birthday, at Christmas.


First off, you know it's gotta be badass, because it's got Giga in its name. And Giga is 1000 times a Kilo. You know how many pictures you can fit in a Giga? a shit-ton, that's how many.

Secondly, more red-ruby-rock stones. Man, you don't know how much I like seeing colored gem-style stones jutting out of regular rocks, I love it a whole lot.

Thirdly, those sunken eyes. General Grievous-level hatred spewing out of them, plus they look like R____r____'s body, so that's neat continuity.

Finally, four badass legs for stomping fools into the ground. And that triangular body, with a scowling head on top - it's pretty much one of the best things.

Maybe the best part is that you get to trade your Boldore to evolve it. And I do say "get to", not "have to", because it's a goddamn privilege to have that sucker evolve on your friend's DS, because then you can forcibly show them the majesty and earth-shaking fury that is Gigalith. Though there is the possibility they won't want to trade it back, and you'll have to kick them in the chest.


Overall: 10/10

No. 525: Boldore

more like bol-BORE amirite hehehehehehe

no, that wouldn't be right. Boldore is a helluva lot more interesting than Roggen - please don't make me say this - rolla.

He's dark blue stone, with red crystals growing out of him. that's certainly a different aspect of rocks that Pokemon hasn't explored yet, so good for him. Much better than gray-n-brown. Or more often, brown-n-browner.

anyway, three legs, red ruby stones, special ability that makes it so he can't get OHKO'd, what a champ. But wait, shit gets even better.


Overall: 7/10