Alolan Raticate

I know they always say you put on weight over a vacation...

Still Dark/Normal, but I'm past being excited by that. What we have here to day is one premium fat boy. I mean, he's got entire cantaloupe in each cheek, or maybe he's chewing on tennis balls. Raticate never had much of a neck, but now he's merged into a single bean-bag-like shape. Even the whiskers got fat, which is something I didn't think hair could do. Looks like someone was messing around with the horizontal scale tool and hue shader.

Some Pokemon look like they were born fat, it's in their species. Alolan Raticate pretty clearly lost control of his life sometime after dropping out of college to work at Radioshack and gained 75 lbs. of cheeto-and-miracle-whip-fueled depression.


Overall: 4/10 -> 2/10

Alolan Rattata

*James Cagney voice* Ooh, you dirty little rat!

Of course I'm doing the Alolan forms, because they're essentially brand-new Pokemon, just with halfway recycled designs. Which I don't mind, really. I'd rather they just re-skin Rattata each game instead of making up a new shitty rodent, especially if they're gonna give it more interesting typings. (Note that this doesn't affect the original version's scores at all)

Alolan Rattata is Dark/Normal, which to me sort of makes vanilla Rattata obsolete. His design isn't offensive, but just looks like some kid's day-1 sprite edit - color shift, and draw a few more spikey dongles on it. Making the whiskers into a mustache is funny.

I admit I have a bizarre sense of nostalgia for the classic purple/white colorscheme, despite patently not giving any shits about Rattata, but there's nothing wrong with the dark tones. All in all, a definite improvement.

I mean, it's still freaking Rattata, though...


Overall: 5/10 -> 6/10

No. 802: Marshadow

I'm Marshie! Spelled with an M, then -arshie!


So here we have it, the last Pokemon until Gen 8. Some sort of Deep Purple looking little duder. How is this a legendary, again? Don't get me wrong, I'm digging the design, and a Ghost/Fighting type sounds like something that's so far up my alley it's physically uncomfortable, but...

a little underwhelming, innit? Marshadow totally looks like a first-stage in a three-stage line. He ought to evolve into something bigger and badder, with more elaborate swirling smoke designs, but still the only points of color are the eyes. Grow extra arms, too, I don't care if Machamp already used that idea.

If he was gonna evolve, then he's a great start. But as a Legendary, Marshadow is a huge disappointment. Just a little fart cloud.


Overall: 5/10

No. 801: Magearna

Meet the newest Disney princess!


Magearna looks like a Transformer. I can totally image how it would tuck itself up and fold into a replica Pokeball. Which is kinda neat, I guess, but let's talk about the real story here: 500 years ago, somebody just straight-up MADE a clockwork Pokemon. That's crazy. Someone was able to manufacture genuine artificial life, immortal at that. Does it have a soul? Do regular Pokemon have souls? Do All Growlithes Go To Heaven? These are some deep questions we have to ask ourselves.

Furthermore, it kinda makes the whole Porygon thing look a little tame. Sure, using modern technology we made a Pokemon, big woop. Some asshole 500 years ago figured it out using a music box and a wind-up toy.

Magearna is a unique entity, and that's the point of Legendaries, so I won't dog on it too much for looking like a character from that Blue Sky Studios' Robots movie. And at least it's got a different origin than "primordial being since the world began" or "cute lil' guardian spirit".


Overall: 7/10

No. 800: Necrozma

You know they're just biding time until they hit 1000 at this point.

So okay, who's this big jaggedy bitch supposed to be? Oh, he's the obligatory 3rd Legendary Ass-Wipe, who will fuse with the other two to create a pair of even uglier Ass-Wipes? And he looks like an origami version of one of those late-stage Bionicles? That's so awful Sure, whatever, I don't give a shit.

Yeah, fine, he's got just like a weird chunk cut out of the back of his head because he's a prism, except prisms aren't black? Or maybe he represents a black hole, which of course he looks nothing like and that's a stupid idea I'm fine, I don't care.

What's that you say? His face has a bunch of colors on it for no reason at all? They happen to be the same colors of the Trials, but the Trials are already just the basic rainbow of colors so there's no further significance? Well I'd tell you that that sounds like the most annoying piece of crap I've heard all day, but I must maintain that Necrozma sucks I don't care about this at all.

Hm? He's just pure Psychic type? Right right right. What a terribly generic choice that adds nothing to anything Okay, that's obviously the best choice. I mean, who the hell knows what his deal is anyway, nobody involved with him gave a rat's ass, I certainly don't, I'm fine with everything I'M NOT FINE it's cool no worries


Overall: 1/10

No. 799: Guzzlord

Its ya boy, Guzzlordma!

oh boy. Where to begin with this fat, pointy tub of sin? It seems like he was designed by a committee, and that committee consisted entirely of 8-year old boys, so each one added something he thought would be super-cool and scary and awesome. That's how Guzzlord ended up with a gaping trash compactor mouth, converyor belt tongue, spiked mace for a tail, battle-axe wings, piranha plant arms coming out of his mouth, and a secondary head that looks like the Black Knight.

Guzzlord looks like he eats the souls of children, then shits out nightmares and centipedes. He looks like the final boss of a JRPG, when the big bad fuses with the recently-awakened Ancient Evil. He looks like the end product of that one dad who draws really detailed character/monster designs based on his kid's doodles.

Now, I keep saying this, but I expect a good deal of insanity from the Ultra Beasts. They should look like weirdo demons from another dimension. But does Guzzlord go too far? I say not far enough. The proportions are off - I like the idea of a bottomless maw, but it dominates the design so that all the other shit look like T-rex limbs, vestigial and useless. I would've made an entire secondary torso up there, maybe give him a wicked sword or something, too. And badass pauldrons. And another pair of legs, so he doesn't have to waddle everywhere.


Ultra Grade: B

No. 798: Kartana

John Romero's about to make you his bitch.


Every evil team needs that one little guy. The Monstars had Nawt, the Ginyu Force had Guldo, and the Boston Celtics have Isaiah Thomas. Kartana is that guy for the Ultra Beasts.

I think it's a hilarious contrast to how stupidly huge most of his compatriots are, but being so small and cutting through anything is actually pretty terrifying if you think about it. Imagine this guy just flying around, almost undetectable, slicing cleanly through walls and necks and trees and stuff. He reminds me of the origami dudes from Spirited Away, so I'm also picturing like a swarm of them.

It's slightly odd that he's Grass/Steel - I know paper comes from trees, but it's so far removed from the concept of vegetation at that point, especially if it's just like a sharpened steel blade. I guess it's just so he can get STAB Razor Leaf and Leaf Blade, which I admit is kinda neat. And I suppose the combo makes him super vulnerable to Fire, just like actual paper, so in the end it checks out!


Ultra Grade: B+

No. 797: Celesteela

Flight of the Bamboo Cutter ~ Lunatic Princess

First off, bitch be tall af. Second off, bitch be actually THREE bitchin' rockets. Third off, I don't know. Third base.

Celesteel is based on a Japanese folk-tale about some princess who's found in a shoot of bamboo, then flies to the moon. Honestly, she looks a helluva lot like a Persona. Which is fine, because that's what the Ultra Beasts should be, MegaTen-style entities from beyond the ken of mortal man.

And despite being a lunar bamboo rocketship princess, it somehow ends up looking rather elegant? I don't even mind the needle-thin neck, because the hair acts to smooth out the silhouette and provide weight.

Ultra Grade: A

No. 796: Xurkitree

People thought this one would turn into Guzma. I don't know.

Living electrical wires honestly aren't too out-there when it comes to Pokemon, really. But Xurkitree is kinda cool, even if he has a dumb name. Yeah, I get it, it's like "circuitry" except you say it with the world's worst accent, that's not clever or interesting.

I think this guy would be better if his "limbs" were interchangeable, instead of being dedicated arms/legs/tail. Especially if he could walk around on 3 legs, that's such a weird thing that nothing in the natural world does. But going around like he is, seems more goofy than unnerving.

The biggest problem, though, is that his head appears to be literal spikes, instead of a sparking ball of electricity. We've got animated models, why do they keep missing obvious places to put particle effects and stuff? Happens with Magmortar's shoulder flames, too.

Ultra Grade: B-

No. 795: Pheromosa

"Ask not the sparrow how the eagle soars!"

Pheromosa looking like Lusamine really only helped fuel those Lilie-Nihilego rumors, but it turns out they're utterly unconnected! Pheromosa isn't even remotely related to the plot, so it's unclear if Lusamine even knew what it looked like so she could model herself off it! strange.

But this one is like the female counterpart to Buzzswole - slim and trim instead of big and brolic. Also she's some sort of Lady Gaga cockroach? Who runs around at light speed and kicks things in the face? Sure, why not. Unlike the two box legendaries, you can't really go wrong here. I prefer Buzzswole, but Pheromosa is cool, too. Striking color scheme, fun hair/wings, and more eyelash than Tammy Faye Bakker. I don't see any problems here.

In closing, I'd like to motion that we make it canon that Buzzswole and Pheromosa are happily married in whatever hell-dimension they came from. Any objections? No? Then the motion passes.


Ultra Grade: A