No. 900: Kleavor

when you throw Rock and Scissors at the same time

Look, Kleavor has a tough act to follow. Not only is it competing with Scyther, one of the hardest Pokemon ever created, it has to contend with the other potential evolution in Scizor. And the Scyther vs Scisor debate was already a hot topic!

and I'm sorry to say, that Kleavor falls a distant third here. What the art doesn't communicate is how comically large Kleavor's axes are in its in-game model.

The tiny stick arms and the giant axes make it look unbalanced, which is a shame. The main body is pretty cool, I like the rocks around its face, and a hatchetman Pokemon could totally work. But Kleavor just isn't it.

Honestly, if we didn't have Scyther or Scizor around as a benchmark, I'd probably be higher on Kleavor. But there's no way I'd evolve my Scyther into this stone age bastard except to fill out a Pokedex.

Overall: 6/10

No. 899: Wyrdeer

Yeah, I've been saying for a while that they should make Stantler an Ice-type, we don't have any reindeer Pokemon and -

oh. it's Normal/Psychich, not Ice at all? I guess that's more of a "wise old sage" beard than a "Santa Claus" beard. Well, that's disappointing.

Although, I may have to give points for being a reliable steed during most of Arceus: Legends. The way it handles like an ATV helps to open up the game in a big way, jumping up hills and out-running hostile Pokemon. That's important, because an open-world game like this lives or dies on "is it fun to traverse the environment".

On the other hand, I don't like its jowls. And the horns have gotten too abstracted from the "false eyes" gimmick, now they're like antennae for broadcasting psychic attacks? Actually hold up, that sounds sick. Maybe Wyrdeer might be cool, actually??? But it still feels like a waste when Girafarig already exists in Gen 2 as the Normal/Psychic ungulate. 

Overall: 4/10

Hisuian Electrode

The Orb

nah but this one just looks like dogshit. I was stunlocked by Hisuian Voltorb, but Hisuian Electrode makes me think maybe the whole concept is dumb as hell. Why does it still have a cartoony mouth, but its eyes look like they were carved into the wood?

And if your concept is "ye olde Electrode" then surely the way to go is make them look like those round ninja explosives? It's hype to get the first Grass/Electric type, but I still think that should go for a solar-energy Pokemon, not these woodblock bitches.

overall: 2/10

Hisuian Voltorb

ballz

Before we get to the evaluation, can we unpack something first? Apparently, Pokemon aren't turned into pure energy and stored in Pokeballs as data. No, they're actually literally shrunk down and captured inside. Despite their ability to be stored in the PC and traded via network connection, apparently the canon truth is that there's literal tiny Pokemon sitting in each ball. And the ball itself... teleports?

To make matters worse, this shrinking is actually an inherent ability of the Pokemon, not something done via technology to reduce the space between their atoms or whatever. At least, according to Pokemon Legends: Arceus. That's right, every Pokemon just possesses the ability to shrink itself when in danger, and we exploit that reflex to put them in Pokeballs.

now I don't know about you, but I find that information wildly upsetting and changes basically everything about how I look at these games. What a nightmare.

Speaking of nightmares, it was generally understood that Voltorb is based on the Pokeball, right? It's like a mimic, and that's its camouflage. But then Hisuian Voltorb predates the Pokeball, they're a recent invention and Voltorbs/Electrodes have lived in Hisui for ages already. Which suggests that the Pokeball is actually based on the Voltorb, not the other way around.

This is too much for me, I can't even do a rating right now

Overall: mind blown/10

Hisuian Arcanine

I'll just cut to the chase - this design is almost great, but two things piss me off - the way the smoky parts of its fur are grey instead of black like the stripes, and those little orange bits on its mane.

In this image the tail looks even a different shade than the mane, but they're all the same in-game. Just, why not make them the same so-dark-grey-it-counts-as-black as the stripes? Besides, black/red is a good combo, but grey/red is less striking.

And as for those flecks of red in the mane... I think what gets me is that they aren't outlined like the other fur markings. They seem unfinished. I'd rather leave them out entirely tbh.

Overall: 6/10

Hisuian Growlithe

Growlithe: but with more saturated colors

Hisuian Growlithe is based on those komainu or lion-dog statues that guard Buddhist temples. I think that's where the Rock part of its typing comes in, because there's nothing rocky about a Growlithe with a bad haircut.

ok, fine, it's a cute haircut. And surprisingly, the single horn and Wartortle-esque tail makes it look like an authentic Gen-1 design. I like this guy, I can imagine him running around the room and bumping into table legs and stuff, getting soot all over the damn place, just generally acting like a rascal.

overall: 9/10

Hisuian Decidueye

You'll have to excuse me, I've been battered with Street Fighter news lately and can't think of anything else 

This artwork is very flattering to Hisuian Decidueye, who most of the time just looks like this:

And here's the thing, I get it. Samurai wear straw short-capes over their shoulders, and straw hats low over their eyes. That's cool! But then they also wear long flowing robes, or mighty armor, not just two long-ass legs sitting out and about. The scary thing is that owls are build like this in real life, they just have feathers such that we only think of them as having cute stubby little legs. So watch out for that.

anyway, while I could be down for a Grass/Fighting road runner, the result looks more like an upside-down teacup with legs running around. The proportions on the artwork are better than in-game, so the design isn't totally lost. Keeping its arms more "out", or longer feathers to create a full cloak, would have worked better.

Overall: 4/10

Hisuian Samurott

so how bout that Scarlet/Violet trailer, huh? 

Vanilla Samurott kinda sucked, and Hisui hasn't treated him much better. He's still fundamentally dumb, with a "samurai" theme made incomprehensible due to lack of any iconic samurai motifs, and a "shell sword" gimmick made  awkward due to being on all fours.

the new Dark typing gives his armor some extra spikes and flair, but it's too little too late. They had an opportunity to really redeem the design, maybe go Water/Fighting and have him stand upright, but alas. I'm gonna dock this one even lower than the original, too. Just for refusing to make any improvements whatsoever.

Overall: 3/10

Hisuian Typhlosion

well that's enough stalling.

Typhlosion is one of the most badass Pokemon ever, but he's been done a bit dirty by the transition to 3D. Dude needs those flames to be constantly raging to keep his presence. You see this shit?

This is weak shit.

Fortunately, Hisuian Typhlosion keeps his flames out all the time during battle - and they're spooky ghost flames, which is even better! although I wish they animated more like, well, flames. Instead of tentacles.

Regardless, there's still the minor tragedy that when he's just chilling in the overworld, no flames. It pisses me off. Charizard keeps it blazing 24/7, why can't my man Typhlosion?

Based on the design alone, this should be an easy 10/10, arguably even surpassing the original. But because of how its actually implemented in the game, I have to dock it points. And the sad truth is, if I was reviewing Typhlosion for the first time in this modern era, it would fall from that perfect grade, too.

Overall: 9/10

Touhoumon no. 9: Cirno

Beloved Tomboyish Daughter

Cirno is the strongest, what more do you need to know? She freezes frogs and doesn't afraid of anything.

Even besides the memes, Cirno remains enduringly popular because she's just so cool (pun intended). She's got a simple design and neat ice-crystal wings, with a big personality. I know everyone calls her a baka, but I think it's great how she doesn't let that faze her.

Also, she's got a nice Sp. Atk stat, and the surprisingly rare Ice typing. Plus she's cute as a button.

Overall: 9/10 10/10