Sinnoh League Champion Cynthia

a classy dame indeed

After a mediocre Elite Four, you finally get to Cynthia, who's so cool you get the idea she could solo the previous four with no problem. She doesn't stick to one type, which is perfectly fine and maybe even should be encouraged for a champion. I didn't really care much for my playthrough of Pearl (as you may have gathered by now), but that final confrontation with Cynthia was definitely one of the highlights. It came down to my last guy, and her Lucario. I don't remember the specifics of the battle, but it was great.

And likewise, Cynthia's design is great. I love how her clothes somehow both resemble a no-nonsense business suit, but also an elegant ball gown. Black fur trim really helps.

What's cooler, is that she shows up in the next game. Just hanging out like a badass in her private ocean-front property, of course. I love it when Pokemon does this, acknowledges that it takes place in a connected universe.

Oh snap, noticed one more thing - the tips of her shoes - also have a thin yellow band, just like her hair accessories. Gotta love that devotion of fashion.


Overall: 10/10

Lucian of the Sinnoh Elite Four

Objection!! That's actually Miles Edgeworth, not a Pokemon Trainer!

No, it's just Lucian. Though props to this guy for actually sticking to a theme - Aaron and Brenda didn't look the part at all, and Flint wasn't even trying.

Because while he may not eccentric as hell like other Psychic-type masters, you just look at him and know he's gonna do some freaking magic. Possibly with his fingers. Because really, who wears burgundy suits and has wavy purple hair, except magicians?

He's stylish and understated, which would make him stand out against the usual Elite Four crowd (a dude going to a masquerade ball, a shirtless sailor, a ninja, literally Ryu, and a man in a full suit of plate armor). However, as we've seen, the Sinnoh Elite Four isn't the usual lineup. They must have run out of costuming budget, because these basic bitches are still just wearing whatever hell clothes they had on when they got the job.

I mean, you're slick and all, Luce, but I would not bat an eye if you were just a Cool Trainer on Victory road.


Overall: 5/10

Flint of the Sinnoh Elite Four

holy shit it's Ronald McDonald

An entire color combination has been forever tainted by a single, ubiquitous character. Though having a red afro doesn't really do you any favors in not being compared to the Ran Ran Ru.

Also, Flint is supposedly a Fire user? despite the fact that his Diamond/Pearl team features more non-Fire types than it does Fire types. Maybe you should've thought of the immense scarcity of Fire in Sinnoh before you decided to make a trainer specialize in the type, Gamefreak. Maybe you should've put more goddamn Fire types in the game in the first place, Gamefreak. Why don't you look me in the eyes when I'm speaking, Gamefreak.

Yeah, I know he got fixed in Platinum, I don't even care. Dude looks dorky and uncommitted to his type. Maybe with a yellow afro and a red shirt? Or would that be too Bo-bobo-esque.

As it stands, Flint should go back to flipping burgers.


Overall: 2/10

Bertha of the Sinnoh Elite Four

Has anybody with the name Bertha ever been taken seriously?

It's not about to start now. We already had the "badass old lady" gimmick character, so another one is just annoying. It's like they forgot they already did one. And she uses Ground-type Pokemon, for absolutely no reason at all.

Also that's just an ugly scarf she got on. You don't freaking wear a brown scarf with a white coat and black dress. And what's that red? Christ, you'd think for someone so old she would've learned a little bit about fashion by now. Looks like she just grabbed the first 5 items she saw at Goodwill and called it a day.

I'm kind of surprised myself that I'm being so mean to a poor old woman, but I mean, c'mon. Sometimes people are just ugly and lame. Even old people. Who have, you know, historically been associated with "beauty" and "coolness".


Overall: 1/10

Aaron of the Sinnoh Elite Four

Remember Aaron Carter? And 98 degrees? And *NSYNC? Doesn't it all seem like a dream, now?

Nice to see a Bug specialist so high up. Usually Bugs get relegated to the opening stages, as early bugs are usually bootysweat. And I guess green hair is something I could associate with insects.

Other than that, Aaron just looks like the "cute" love interest in a shoujo manga. you know, one of those ones that make like they're about action and stuff but are really just about how much each of the male characters wants to protect the blank slate female lead?

Not much else to say here. Generic design with unappealing shades of green and orange.


Overall: 4/10

Volkner of Sunyshore City

I want this man's style

No kidding, Volker looks mad chill to me. Blue + Yellow is always striking, and I dig the sideburns. Cool jacket, too.

Also, you gotta admire this motherlover's attitude. Everyone else standing up like tool, not this cat. Gotta sit down, the weight of being a badass gets heavy once in a while nawmean? ay, not even gonna sit down on some chair or whatever, just gonna pop up my red shadow-seat and pop a squat, no big d. defying physics like it ain't no thing.



The badge is - well, I've seen worse. I guess I can pretend it's a lighthouse. Oh yeah, that's right, the Gym Leader with a lighthouse in their town is actually Electric, instead of, oh I don't know, STEEL. That's right, Jasmine, I'm talking about you. Stop crying, nobody cares.

Especially not Volker. Dude got more pressing things on his mind. But seriously tho, what's he thinking about so hard? Left the stove on? trying to remember all the names of the 7 dwarves? thinking about some trifling friend indeed?

Volker has a subtle style that still immediately reads"electric type", and his pose and mannerisms instantly characterize him. One of my favorite Gym Leaders ever, actually.


Overall: 10/10

Candice of Snowpoint City

shimapan socks

There seem to be an awful lot of energetic school girls getting made Gym Leaders. But I can't say I dislike her design, it's actually pretty color coordinated and unique (as far as schoolgirls go)

Also interesting to juxtapose an upbeat personality with a frigid type choice - most other Ice trainers are cold and distant, but Candice ain't like all that. Good on her. Still reppin' the white and cyan, though. Traditional icy colors.



So she's a cutie, and her badge is sicknasty, but does she really look a gym leader? I took off points before for this sort of thing, so I guess I ought to again. I'm almost done with the 4th region, and I still don't really have a solid criteria for grading these things.

Also want to point out how awesome it was to walk around in the snow by her town.


Overall: 7/10

Byron of Canalave City

Holy crap it's Simon: The Later Years

While his son may be a roody-poo candy-ass, Byron is one hardboiled dude. Note the tattered edges of his pants, cape, and face - he's been at this shit for years, and he wears the miner gear not because he just got off work, but because it's basically the only clothes he owns anymore. He left the rest along with the other soft parts of his life - in the mines. You spend enough time down there, it takes things from you. Friends, lungs, your mind. But you also find things. Like how to be a Man.

Seriously, Byron may be one of the most intense Gym Leaders of all time, and has a surprising amount of involvement in the lore. His aforementioned pansy of a son, Roark, is the gym leader of some podunk town or another. And his dad is simply known as The Underground Man, abandoning all traces of humanity to become one with the bedrock. There's also this anecdote about how he wanted Riley, strong trainer and noted Lucario fanboy, to become a Gym Leader but was reminded he had an actual son.

which I imagine went something like this:

"Riley, you're a badass. I'm gonna recommend you for that Gym Leader position."
"I thank you, but what about your son?"
"Son? I have no son."
"What about that one with the poor eyesight and crippling emotional issues?"
"Oh, that one."



Even his badge is awesome. It's three pickaxes, combining together and looking like one of those three-way Venn Diagram things.

I really don't have anything bad to say about Byron. He kicks ass and digs holes, sometimes in that order.


Overall: 10/10

Fantina of Hearthome City

I spent the most time in Sinnoh in Hearthome. Because that had the best stretch of straight ground, for egg-hatching pacing.

I've always felt Fantina's hair was incredibly silly. Also, she seems awfully overlooked, for being such a flashy character.

But you know what? She's actually pretty cool. High Fashion in all the best ways. I like how her style is totally referencing Drifblim, without going over-the-top and wearing a gigantic balloon suit or something. I guess that's what her hair is supposed to be - like balloons.

Problem is, though, the hair. She's like some sort of purple Yotsuba on steroids, and there's just SO MUCH PURPLE that it's a little overwhelming in its uniformity. If they were at least a different shade? or maybe a hairstyle that doesn't immediately make one think of a female villain from Star Trek.



The Relic Badge is neat. Swirly and sci-fi, looks like a mysterious vortex or whatever. Though on the whole, I feel like Fantina would be a better fit for my hypothetical Cosmic Type (that will never happen). I'm not really reading "Ghost" from any of her stuff, aside from the admitted big freaking red flag of dressing up like a Ghost-type. Or is it a Purple Flag?

In any case, I'm pretty damn sure they would have taken her character concept and worked it into a Fairy Type gym today.


Overall: 6/10

Crasher Wake of Pastoria City

holy frig get the shit out of the way

You see this man coming at you from up out the water, you better run. Or maybe not even. You'll still get thrown, possibly into a Kinniku Buster, or maybe an Ultimate Atomic Suplex. Mr. Wake is two tons of Lucha in a 30-pound sack.

This guy is as over-the-top as they come, but that goes with the territory, don't you think? I question how Water and wrestling tie together, but his costume actually pulls it off. It's just his gimmick.

Only problem with his design I have is his improbable mask - is the black parts his hair, or sitll part of the mask? why does he have so much skin showing? it's like he's wearing the thong equivalent of a mask. And not just any thong, the most exotic, daring thong of them all. The kind that actually doesn't cover any of the stuff you want to see.



His badge, the Fen Badge, is oddly subdued. It's actually really chill. Reminds me of like an oasis at night, or maybe a moonlit lagoon. That calm blue pool, and the palm trees touching overhead. It's watery, and I like it. Hey, guess what? you can use more than SOLID COLOR and SILVER when you make a badge, and it comes out great!

panties-on-head mask aside, Crasher is a badass dude. Or maybe he's more badass for wearing such silly headgear


Overall: 8/10