Valerie of Laverre City

I really loved the routes leading up to, and the city itself. One of my favorite areas in any Pokemon game.

Valerie is goddamn hilarious and I love her. This girl is the type to lose track of the conversation because she was admiring her own damn badge, and even forgets the TM she gives you. She also outright states her wish to be a Pokemon. It's just - this person should not be running a gym, much less be out of a mental institute. But she is, and is also a fashion designer, and that's wonderful.

I do worry about her statement "what's so different between humans and Pokemon?", because that shows maybe a deeper problem. There's a lot different - for one thing, humans can say more than their name, don't evolve suddenly, and (for the most part) cannot shoot fire or fly. Not being able to see these differences suggests that she is deeply mentally troubled or, perhaps, Valerie can indeed shoot fire and fly, has evolved, and can only speak her name. It's just that her name happens to be the sum total of all words you hear her speak, and it's only sheer coincidence that it resembles semi-coherent speech.

Her badge resembles her dress, and it's a nice dress. A cool fusion of western and eastern styles. I also like her big, bug-like eyes. You know, I'm getting more and more thinking she might actually be a Pokemon...


Overall: 7/10

Clemont of Lumiose City

Anyone else play Pajama Sam - Thunder & Lightning Aren't So Frightening? no? just me?

Clemont here is one of those Dexter-style genius little boys. He also might be channeling a little Doc Ock with those mechanical arms there.

I just want to say that I have always found the "spindly little arm with oversized thing on the end" mechanics very cartoonish and I can't take them seriously, or think they look cool. So he's actually losing points with me, for having a goddamn weather forecast going on behind him. Because that's what those are supposed to be, right? a hand in the shape of a cloud, and a... radar laser dish in the shape of a sun? combine that with his sky-blue jumpsuit, and he's all set to step up in front of Channel 5 and tell me it's gonna be cloudy with a chance of butt tomorrow.

Also, those glasses make him look even goofier. I don't know, Pokemon is a pretty goofy universe to live in, but this kid is almost too much.

His badge is kinda cool, but it looks mad fragile. I'd be afraid of breaking off the lightray bits.


Overall: 3/10

Ramos of Coumarine City

Kill la Kill this ain't


Seriously tho, what's up with those scissors. It looks like he had regular ones, but then put gigantic handles on the ends - while still maintaining the original handles. I don't think you can use them now, except as novelty garden sheers. Though perhaps that's the point. Oh, and he has a holster for his scissors, because of freaking course he does.

He also appears to have tendrils coming out of his chin, because I'm pretty damn sure that isn't hair. it's the same exact color as his skin, and there's no line break or anything - he's just got face-feelers. Mandibles, perhaps? Antennae?

Other than that he's a little old gardener man, with a nice little badge. This badge is actually probably my favorite thing about him - I don't think he's particularly cool, like some of the other old man badasses we've seen. He's just pleased as punch to be in a video game, bless his little heart. But I've never been one to respect my elders.


Overall: 3/10

Korrina of Shalour City

Not to be confused with a similarly-named Avatar.

I like roller-blades, as a design. I find them impossible to handle in real life, and the people who wear them insufferable, but in the world of fiction they're always cool. Jet Set Radio represent, yo.

Also, kudos to Korrina for not only wearing a helmet, but managing to make it look cool (another impossibility in the real world. Everyone looks dorky in a helmet. Even Tony Hawk looked like a goober) Her hair spilling out of those holes helmets always seem to have in them is a nice touch.

It's also sort of nice to have a Fighting gym leader who wasn't straight up martial arts-oriented. Not all Fire leaders are firefighters or arsonists, and not all Ice leaders are... whatever ice-related professions there are. Ice Sculptor? Eskimo? In any case, she's athletic and spunky and that still conveys the idea of what Fighting types are all about. Her coloring suggests it too, for some reason - even before we knew her gym, I saw the artwork and thought "Fighting specialist."
The badge is a little odd, though - is that shadow? it's going the wrong way. A fist bump? they seem to be missing by several feet. An enemy fist? m-maybe?? I'd have liked it more if it were just the simple, single classic boxing glove.


Overall: 7/10

Grant of Cyllage City

It took forever to reach this guy. What was up with the pacing in XY, anyway?

this dude has candy stuck in his hair. That's the only thing I can think of. I know they thought it would be a rock climbing reference, but holy shit it just looks like he laid his head down on some sticky candies and got them stuck up there, and hasn't figured it out yet. It's something a Rugrats character would do.

That aside, he's got a gigantic bike clip hanging from his neck. Shouldn't that be, you know, clipped to something? is that part of rock climbing? do you tie a rope around your neck and then clip it to the mountain? that seems unsafe. But so does the very idea of rock climbing, so what do I know.

I do know that Grant is another leader who looks like a basic trainer. He's not even giving a damn about the battle, he's busy climbing. c'mon, man. At least act like you care!

The badge is pretty plain, and reminds me of modern art. It could just as easily stand for wood, as for stone. In the end, while I don't feel great hatred for him, there's not a single thing I actually like about Grant. Really felt like a let-down after waiting so long for that second gym.


Overall: 1/10

Viola of Santalune City

Another Bug gym leader? And actually a girl this time?

Viola is an early-game gym leader, so that excuses this slightly, but she really doesn't look like the leader of anything. "Photographer Viola" is what I'd expect to see when I battle her.

That aside, it's a nice enough design. I feel like that little band of midriff is what really sells it, though that could just be personal preference coming to the foreground. But hell, this whole site is built on the fundamental principle of personal preference! So I'll say what I like.

You might have noticed I skipped the badges in the last gen's gyms. That's because they were all awful and I didn't care for any of them. I hate that vertical style. the Kalos badges are a little more... uneven in style, as opposed to the "will fit nicely inside a square" pattern the early regions used, but they're at least worth mentioning. This one is a beetle. It's green and brown, and is a nice non-fruitcake substitute for that ladybug-ass badge Bugsy was giving away.

Viola still needs a little more to look like a "leader", though.


Overall: 4/10

Alder of the Unova Elite Four

Akuma's good twin

They both have similar red hair, tan skin, and wear ragged pants with sandals and a necklace of oversized balls. Except Akuma dresses in black, and Alder in white. And a poncho really isn't anything like a karate gi, so there's that. Just an interesting design coincidence, I think.

I like Alder a lot, though. Like Akuma, he's wild. He's a traveler, a pilgrim, a wanderer. Going from town to town, healing the hearts and Pokemon of everyone he meets. Also he's got an actual backstory, going along with the Gen 5 theme of attempting to flesh out the NPCs a little more - he used to be blindly chasing power, but then his Starter died and he had to reconsider his entire life-view.

With all that said, I think his two-tone hair is stupid and too large. There, I said it.


Overall: 8/10

Caitlin of the Unova Elite Four

the widest trainer portrait of all time?

Possibly! Her hat is also ponderously huge - don't let her hair trick you, look at how wide her face is, and then at the hat. That's insane! Also insane is the fact that she has levitating hearts holding up the edges of her hair, like Snow White's bluebirds or something.

In any case, she's a Psychic-type user, but I think that's only because Fairy wasn't invented yet. She strikes me as a sort of Russian fairy tale princess dealie. Which sort of overlaps when Iris becomes champion, because now you have two girls in pink dresses taking up a ton of space, but eh.

Interesting to note, is that she actually appeared in Platinum!

Her hair wasn't as ludicrous back then, and she looks significantly younger, too. I'm sure this is helpful for those of you putting together the Official Pokemon Game Timeline. Me, I think she Mega Evolved.

And despite the fact that I called her "insane" several times, I don't hate that about her. Dat Godiva hair, yo.


Overall: 6/10

Grimsley of the Unova Elite Four

Loki up in this bitch

How come he got a chair, though? Is that allowed? Followup question - is it allowed just because he's a dracula? Because he's clearly a dracula. Either that or someone's humanization of a Honchkrow. Or maybe he's Kaiki from Nisemonogatari.

In any case, he's got a stylish suit and doesn't wear socks. The former is cool, the latter bothers me for some reason. Like, did he forget them? won't his ankles get cold? Or is he an undead monstrosity whose blood runs cold already, so he doesn't care?

You really can't go wrong with a red-and-black suit when you want a character to look Dark, so Grimsley delivers on that regard. And I think the yellow scarf gives him a little touch of uniqueness, setting him apart from other characters with similar designs.

So Gamefreak is obviously capable of creating awesome Dark-type Elite Four members, so why can't we get a Dark gym already!?


Overall: 10/10

Marshal of the Unova Elite Four

guess who's back. back again. Shady's back. tell a friend.

Marshal trains hard, you can tell just by looking at him. He's the kind of guy who wakes up at 4am, does 700 squats and 800 push-ups, chops a tree down, runs through a freezing river with an oxen over his shoulders, and then does burpees until someone has to call the fire department.

But his design just isn't working for me. First odd, those pants are too baggy. I'm all for baggy pants, as I believe I've stated in the past, but it needs tight-fitting upperbody clothing to go with it. Wearing some sort of strange baggy vest with a popped collar, and then your goddamn obi around it... that ain't cool.

Furthermore, his color scheme is off. He looks like someone hit him with the "negative" filter in photoshop. And while I just praised Shauntal for using the same shade of red throughout her costume, dying your hair and teeth to match? really? Like your training, you've taken it too far, Marshal.


Overall: 3/10

Shauntal of the Unova Elite Four

I once knew an absolutely wretched girl by the name of Shauntal. So I thank this one for giving my someone else to think about when I hear the name.

I think Elesa better watch out, because Shauntal is rocking a very well-put-together outfit. Max fashion points. Notice how she not only got her shoes to match her brooch(?) and glasses, but also her book and pen. That's dedication.

The only thing is, she looks a bit like she got her head stuck in a gigantic dark purple flower. But maybe that's a good thing? I think it's supposed to be a combination gigantic ruff and bow, but looking at it I'm not sure anymore.

She's a Ghost specialist, so her colors match. And she's an author, which sort of fits the image of a lonely girl, surrounded by haunted books in a spooky library. Which may or may not be a trope, but for some reason I think I've seen it before. Usually the girl turns out to be a ghost herself, or a dracula.

In short, you could say Shauntal is a Ghost Writer.

*pause for groans*

Seriously though, she has a really cute design and a memorable motif. I think it's interesting that we've had three Ghost-type elite four women, and not a one of them has been a generic gothic lolita Rachel Alucard style. Instead, Shauntal suggests hidden knowledge and deep, secret interests that you don't want to find out about. It's a subtle kind of spooky.


Overall: 10/10

Marlon of Humilau City

Marlon, you know, like Marlin? From Finding Nemo?

This dude got the most severe tan line I've ever seen. My man could get a job as the Coppertone model. Dude looks like he was made by one of those mix-n-match books, and his legs came from a different person than the rest of his body. Call this dude Michael Jackson because he's Black and White. Or better yet, call him Gen 5, for the same reason. My guy just caught himself a fresh bag of Pokeballs, no clue where he even got that, did he buy them at the store? did he put them in the water to wash them off? But let's get back to his skintone.

How do his feet stay so pale, though? Does he wear flippers or footie pajamas all the time or what? Trust me, you hang out at the beach, your feet get some sun. How the hell did he keep those things so pristine? does he just stand waist-deep in the water for hours at a time?

But hold up, there's more - the hair. You see it sparkle? How does he do that? is it sea-salt, crusted in his hair? does he have a shark fin up there, is that what that is?

Also those pants are, and I mean this with the utmost respect, the fruitiest things I have seen all year. Looking like what Elton John would wear to swim class.

Marlon makes me laugh, but let's be honest - it's an awful, awful design that tries to be something but gets confused about which fetishes exactly it's supposed to be catering to, and splashes spectacularly. I would not trust a man with a gym when he can't even remember his Sun-bloc.


Overall: 1/10

Roxie of Virbank City

Punk Rock Girl! What do you see? Punk Rock Girl! Please look at me!

Anybody with a Scolipede guitar is pretty damn cool. Roxie combines this with an oversized sweater and boots, for a certainly unique appearance.

She's a Poison-type trainer, which is unusual, since it's one of the last popular types and Gamefreak tends to associate it only with villains. But I think it works well, in being both somewhat edgy but also appealing, like Roxie herself.

Also that's a strange combination of black, blue, and purple that I don't think I've seen before. Things like this make Roxie much better than Lenora (who she replaced), and actually I quite like her. I think it would be different if she were a Tank Girl-style punk, or like Poison from Street Fighter, but a little girl trying to be hardcore but her dad won't let her? now that's interesting.


Overall: 9/10

Cheren of Aspertia City

Despite being saddled with a woman's name, Cheren seems to have made something of himself.

I thought the idea of multiple "rivals" was cool in Black and White - more opportunities for recurring characters is good, it helps tie the overall story together and increase the feeling of being in a real, functioning world.

Even cooler, is that in the sequel, Cheren and Bianca got jobs as a Gym Leader and Professor, respectively! I liked it when Blue took over Viridian city, and I like this as well. The thing I gotta ask though, is - what happened to the other gyms that got replaced? Were they just decided to be so shit that they got kicked out? Because I could understand that.

In any case, Cheren is the 1st gym leader you face in BW2, and he's a Normal specialist. So in other words, he's pretty much as generic and safe as you can possibly get. But that's kind of what you want from a first boss, right? Eh, sorta. At least it gets the boring crap out of the way early.

In the end, I suppose I like the idea of past characters re-appearing in new roles more than I like Cheren himself. Who is wearing two ties and a pair of pants so tight I'm worried he's cutting off circulation in his calves.


Overall: 4/10

Iris of Opelucid City

Jesus girl, calm the eff down

Perhaps to balance out the sheer amount of man Drayden brought to the table, the other possible Opelucid City gym leader is Iris, who is basically Willow Smith before she got pretentious like her brother. She's cute and energetic, and that hair could smother you to death. And I guess it's kind of funny that the 8th gym leader and master Dragon-trainer could be this little girl.

What's less funny, is that she somehow becomes Champion in Black/White 2.

And suddenly, I'm reading her as a soiled brat whose daddy let her be Champion for a day, and she's just messing everything up. Those sleeves are far too big, that is like sleeping bag diameter, not sleeve diameter. She looks like she tried to tame her hair, or at least reel it in, but it ends up somehow looking messier. And what the hell is that pink ribbon dingle doing, how is it even staying on?

She was fine at first, but this little princess has gone to far. She is making a mockery of the position of Champion. Do you think Cynthia, Blue, Lance, or Steven would stand for this? Hell no.


Overall: 5/10

Drayden of Opelucid City

The second best Mayor in video games, after Mike Haggar (R -Metro City) of course.

He seems pretty in-control, with those business suspenders in action. Another trait he shares with Haggar. Except Drayden wears two of them, and his have spikes, which is admittedly hardcore.

But I confess I'm distracted by his... well, I can only assume it's facial hair. It doesn't really resemble any beard I've ever seen, given that it contains no mouth-hole, just a seamless expanse of white.Which also comes up around his nose in a manner seems upside down? or something? It's not natural, is my point.

So while Drayden might not really appear that Dragonic, he at least is a total badass, someone I'd expect to see in the final town or Elite Four. so he's living up to his stature in that regard. Also his town had the best music, just sayin'.

But seriously what the eff is up with that mustache


Overall: 7/10