Olivia of Akala Island

luv me some Beyonzo

How in the world has this woman not managed to land herself a man? It would be one thing if she just had super-high standards, but from the game it seems like she's bizarrely unpopular? Talk about immersion-breaking.

Anyway, I'm surprised they hadn't made the connection between a Rock-specialist and jewelry, but it makes a lot of sense. I'd like to see more jewel-like Rock types myself, instead of gray-brown granite uggos. But that's beside the point, and the point is that Olivia is awesome.

See, this is how you color-coordinate a pink/brown outfit, Ilima. Take notes, child, the queen is teaching. She rocks that outfit but good, the accessories are on point, and she got legs longer than an Alolan Exeggutor. (Not an Alolan Exeggutor's legs, I mean, I was comparing them to the overall body length, and by "them" I mean her legs, and you know what? I'll stop there.)


Overall: 10/10

Hala of Melemele Island

*pours one out for Bruddah Iz*

Remember how people thought that Lusamine was gonna turn into Pheromosa and Lilie was Nihilego? Then they tried to come up with further justifications why the other UBs would be people as well? And Hala was supposed to be Guzzlord? Boy, people are stupid.

Anyway, I like Hala. He's got a cool grandpa vibe to him, like you can tell he used to be a rockin' badass back in the day, but now he's mellowed out. He grew a gut from all that easy living, but he could still whip your ass if he catches you misbehaving.

I'm not so sure I get "Fighting" from him, though. But the contrast between him and the Trial Captains is good, reminds you that this is the Kahuna, he's on another level.

Bonus question: What's up with Fighting gym leaders being islanders? Brawly, Chuck, and now Hala. (I realize everyone in Sun/Moon is an islander, shut up)


Overall: 7/10

Mina of Poni Island

dude weed lmao

Mina is stoned out of her gourd 100% of the time, and I'm not ruling out paint fumes as the culprit. Look how she painted her face - clearly with a wide swing of the spray can, such that it even got her hair in there, too. Or maybe she was attempting a mustache, but got it over the bridge of the nose by mistake? It's possible.

And I have to say, Mina not even having a trial, and everything else about Poni island, made it really feel like an afterthought from Gamefreak. Which is like, what the shit, that's my home, that's Kaua'i. The Garden Isle. And you made it a deserted canyon? And now in USUM there's some crazy evil cloud over it? I don't like it! Not one bit!

At least Mina has some comfy-looking shoes, but honestly I wouldn't trust her with a paint bucket, much less an important job like Trial Captain. dopey girl can't even keep her hair out of the paint.


Overall: /10

Acerola of Ula'ula Island

who's the little girl, living in the haunted mansion~

Acerola is adorable, and I think it's a shame that she's apparently so poor she has to wear a ragged dress like that. Poor thing, she's clearly had to patch it by hand! While those Aether fatcats sit in their ivory towers and let this poverty exist. And they say Pokemon exists in a communist, post-scarcity utopia world...

But I guess it works, because it's a great look for her! She's the fourth female, Ghost-themed major trainer we've had, but keeps it fresh. I really enjoyed her trial, too. And being the only Trial Captain invited to the Elite Four means she's like the strongest of them, right? Only held back from being Kahuna due to age, perhaps?


Overall: 10/10

Sophocles of Ula'ula Island

I hate you for ruining the online interaction system that worked so perfectly in XY with your dumb Festival Plaza bullshit

what kind of business does any little kid have being named Sophocles? Who the hell does he think he is? Tubby little Chunk from The Goonies piece of shit, messy bed hair having fatass bitch. Ain't no philospher.

Get outta here with that Pikachu tail scarf, you live on a damn tropical island, why do you need a scarf? And his legs are so stubby you can't tell if he's wearing shorts or pants. And that unibrow pissed me off, I wanna shave the middle so badly, that bump in the middle isn't natural. Actually, it makes his head look like one of those upside-down optical illusion faces:

Looking like an angry bald man with a squirtle mouth and scraggly neckbeard. Which isn't much better than his default look.


Overall: 1/10

Kiawe of Akala Island

now we're cookin with fire

My man Kiawe has the best life - living on top of a volcano, hanging out with cool ass pokemon like Alolan Marowaks and Sanaldits all day, doing sick dance moves, and generally being awesome. And look at the pose! My man is more hot-blooded than a shonen protagonist.

Also, I just have a lot of ingrained respect for fire dancers. Those guys have to train hard to master the spins and stuff without dropping the torches, plus they're expected to work out enough to look the part. Not to mention the whole "endure intense heat from live flames" thing. yeah, I know they slather their bodies with that flame-retardant stuff, but still. Kiawe gets props from me.

The only thing holding him back from a perfect score is his hair. I'm just not down with the two-tone look, I know it's supposed to be like sooty fire, but it looks like he was dying it orange but ran out of dye.


overall: 9/10

Mallow of Akala Island

damn, now I miss Super Mario RPG all of a sudden...

The second of Akala's Water-Grass-Fire trio, Mallow immediately proves herself superior to the other Grass/Cooking themed Gym Leader, Cilan (coincidentally also part of a similar trio). For starters, she doesn't have a dumb little asshole haircut. Instead, she's rocking the Shaymin. And with a cute apron+daisy dukes combo that sure as hell beats wearing a standard issue waiter suit.

Though aside from thoroughly trouncing Cilan in terms of design, personality, and not-being-a-phenomenal-waste-of-space, there's not much to say about Mallow. She's just fine! Nothing wrong with her, but nothing terribly exciting, either.


Overall: 6/10

Lana of Akala Island

how you got such a spherical head

Something that's important to keep in mind with these Trial Captains is that they aren't professional Gym Leaders. They're explicitly kids, more like camp counselors than the adults actually in charge of anything. Nevermind the fact that we've seen some young ass kids acting as Leaders in other regions, I'm just saying we can excuse a bit of unprofessionalism in the Captain's dress.

So with that said, Lana is very nice! I like the fishing motif, with a net on her head and hook designs on her pants. Also, as I believe I've stated, I'm On Board with the "small top, big baggy pants" look. And color coordination game is on point.

The one odd thing with Lana is that there's no whites to her eyes - or perhaps she has a flesh-toned sclera? It's not weird in itself, a valid way to draw eyes, but since almost every other Pokemon character does have white around their pupils, it makes her look out of place. Again, I'm not discounting the theory that she has a massive infection of pink eye, in which case the poor girl should get some medication. Too bad the only doctor around is an insane Ric Flair/Randy Savage wannabe.


Overall: 8/10

Ilima of Melemele Island

Supersuper Smashsmash Brosbros Melemele!!

I think if you're going to have pink hair, you ought to go all the way and make it a POWERFUL shade of pink. Ilima's hair looks weak.

But more importantly, what sort of nonsense is he wearing on his hand. I'd call it a glove, but that would be using some new, exciting definition of the word. Because conventional gloves generally cover more than just 2 fingers. Or come down to the wrist. There's even a bizarre cutout for his knuckle. So if it's not a glove... what is it? Usually whenever you see weird gloves there's some archery-related explanation, because archers are pompous pricks who think their archery will suffer if anything more than the bare minimum flesh is encased in glove. But with Ilima, he's just vaguely bookish. So what business does he have wearing some skimpy ass glove!?

Look, Sun/Moon gets off to a rocky start, due to all the forced cut-scenes and handholding, and Ilima's Neo-Yokio-lookin' ass doesn't exactly make it better, is all I'm saying.


Overall: 2/10