Beta No. 213: Puddi

Puddi Puddi!

Let's close out the year with a whimper, I suppose. Bangs are overrated. You all know the script by now.

This is Chinese knock-off Growlithe. The ears are all wrong, the hair tufts are made of synthetic polymers, and there's not a trace of the noble soul we all associate with Growlithe. Reminds me of those robotic Poo-chi toys, though somehow Puddi here came first.


Overall: 1/10

Beta No. 212: Hitmontop

oh what the fuck is this shit

I do not know what I'm looking at here. I see at least 5 things I could interpret as eyeballs. Maybe the colored artwork will make more sense?


Dear Lord.

ok, it makes more sense, but I still don't like what I'm seeing. Unlike the final Hitmontop, who is just doing a head-stand, this freak has "legs" on his head and an eyeball in his stomach, just spinning on a point while he "kicks" you with his ear-feet. It's horrible, this isn't martial arts at all, if my Gong evolved into this I would try to reverse time and do it all over again. Let's just forget this madness ever happened, okay?


Overall: 1/10

Beta No. 211: Gong

Tamogotchi lookin dude

Tyrogue only really looks like Hitmonchan. But was his beta equivalent any better? Well, he's kinda got boxing gloves, so that's a direct tie to Hitmonchan. But none of the Hitmons have ears like that, and he's not really looking Hitmonlee-ish in any way, so... lateral movement.


Evolutionary place aside, I dig this little dude. Much more than Tyrogue, who reminds me of the sort of skinny little kid who will attempt to start conversations about Minecraft with total strangers. But not Gong, Gong would punch strangers in the shins to bring them to their knees, then uppercut them in the jaw. He kicks ass.

Tyrogue and Gong both eat Lucky Charms for breakfast, but the different is that Gong doesn't take out the marshmallows and organize them by shape first.


Overall: 8/10

Beta No. 210: Octillery

WHY CAN'T WE HAVE NICE THINGS

OK, I can understand changing Remoraid, even if it totally ruins the design. But Octillery was just a goddamn tank, that should be kosher, right!? Why did they change this! It kicks 155mm of ass!

It's such a perfect design. The tentacles are curled to resemble wheels, like the Metal Slug tanks. At the same time, they're curled like fried octopus, often served in batter - "Takoyaki". And when you squish a takoyaki and see a bit of octopus poking out, it looks kinda like Octillery here. So it's more than just an octopus tank, which would be sick enough, there's a second layer of visual pun going on. I love it and will never forgive Gamefreak from denying us this wondrous creation.


Overall: 10/10

Beta No. 209: Remoraid

you know I keep that mf thang on me

Look at this early Remoraid! This makes SENSE! It's got a clear revolver barrel, trigger, hammer, and handle! It's a literal triggerfish, it looks like a damn GUN.


I suppose it was changed because the 4kids mentality of the time wouldn't allow the precious American children to see an image of a cartoon gun-fish in their video games. As if they aren't already awash in the violence on the news and in the movies. As if video-games contain the biggest gun-related threats to U.S. children.

*is just handed a news bulletin*

hm. the Columbine Massacre happened just months before Pokemon Gold & Silver released in Japan. um, that... explains things a bit. Well then.

(this Remoraid design is still much better, though!)


Overall: 8/10

Beta No. 208: Grimey

Elon Musk's girlfriend

Y'all, I am tired. I'm tired of having to pretend I have opinions about literal pieces of shit. Grimey sucks and I hate it. Tiny puddle of goop, just a wad of chewing gum. Throw it in the trash.

I barely even have the energy to point out that Grimey was likely supposed to have a round nose (or pacifier) instead of an open mouth with one tooth.

Merry Christmas, assholes.


Overall: 1/10

Beta No. 207: Turbann

Hey... that's not Shellder!

While I think every kid kinda wanted to see Slowbro's tail as its own Pokemon, that doesn't change the fact that the lore clearly states that Shellder bites Slowpoke's tail. So who the heck is this spiky bastard? A mutated Shellder? Or perhaps, the tail-biter slowly works its way up the rest of the Slowbro, consuming it entirely, and all that's left is the Turbann.

Dark lore aside, Turbann looks cool. And we don't have any turban-shell Pokemon, anyway. I say retcon the Shellder thing (which was weird because Slowpoke evolves by level anyway, even if you're nowhere near water), and introduce Turbann into the games! And give him his own evolution if you choose to not attach him to Slowpoke's ass, please.


Overall: 7/10

Beta No. 204: Minicorn

Can you really call it a "Minicorn" when it has no horn at all?

You know the pattern by now - another beta baby, another unwanted child, another "lets take an existing Pokemon and just make it smaller"


And for what it is, Minicorn is cute! If you drew a chibi Ponyta, this is what it would look like. I suppose I wouldn't mind Minicorn existing, so that puts it above a lot of its ilk, but it definitely does not need to exist either.


Overall: 5/10

Beta No. 203: Tripstar

ah, the mascot for the often-forgotten Team Three Star

Tripstar is the beta form of Ledian, and I think I know why it was upgraded. This guy just looks too much like Ledyba, it's hardly an evolution. And "Three Star Ladybug" sounds like a Yu-Gi-Oh card.


I appreciate that this artwork gives him little gloves in an attempt to beef up the design, but there's only so much you can do. Maybe if they wanted a mid-stage between Ledyba and Ledian? And carry the star-shaped spots over? There's potential... but it's definitely not being realized at the moment.


Overall: 3 stars (out of 10)

Beta No. 199: Politoed

I still can't believe Tentaquil was real, after all these years




of course, the colors are totally wrong, and the name as well. But I want to believe that a lucky Anon somehow had a prophetic vision of Pokemon that almost existed.


I don't dislike this design at all! It looks like a jolly, web-footed friend. And you know, there's a ton of blue frog Pokemon, but hardly any green ones aside from the actual Politoed himself, so I wouldn't mind seeing this design given its own line. At least beta-Politoed has the eye structures to fit in with the rest of the Poli-line, but it's still a wild deviant.


Overall: 7/10