No. 898: Calyrex

There's nothing scarier than a poorly-designed Pokemon.

I can't quite believe what I'm about to write, but I can't quite believe what I'm seeing, either.

I have a new least-favorite Pokemon.

Dunsparce was awful, we've been over that. I'm not coming around on it or anything. But Calyrex is just so offensively terrible in every single way that it's overpowering my two-decades-long feud with the Dunce.

Where to begin? How about at the top, with this ginormous oversized bomb fruit braincel noggin. Maybe it's supposed to be a crown, but it looks like a swollen egg sac from a Metroid enemy. Then below that, we have the most serious face in the world, a real Princess Mononoke deer-god snuggled right in between the aforementioned balloon and what appear to be Akuma's prayer beads but with the Triforce on them.

Already this sounds nightmarish, but it gets worse. Basic stubby body, basic bitch arm flaps, then LONG ASS SLENDERMAN TOOTHPICK LEGS. No feed, just thigh-highs. And this royal piece of shit has the audacity to pose with one arm out like "whoosh" like he did something. There's a little cape or wings or whatever but NO, fuck you dude.

I mocked up some suggestions that don't completely save this wretched thing, but are at least improvements on whatever bullshit concept they had going on. Version 1 just downsizes stuff so he's still a weird little serious gremlin, the second leans into the "what the fuck" factor for maximum weirdness. I would still hate both of these, but I wouldn't feel the outright revulsion I do when I look at actual Calyrex.

And then, to make things even worse, this Little Lord Fuckleroy has the nerve to mount those glorious steeds Glastrier and Spectrier, and ride them like he thinks he's Napoleon.

I despise this with every fiber of my being. It's a sin and a crime. I'm going to fly to Gamefreak's house and beat them up.

Overall: -1/10