No. 320: Wailmer

caaaaaaaaaaaaaaan yooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuu speeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaak whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaale?

Reminds me of Fatty Whale from Kirby Superstar, which is a good thing. That was a good boss.

Wailmer is another truncated Water Pokemon, missing what many consider to be a whale's defining feature: its tail. It also looks about as sentient as dirt, but that's another story.

It's an okay design, not looking too real-world-y, but still obviously a Pokemon. They kept it as simple as they could, with this one. And that's fine, but it isn't anything amazing.


Overall: 6/10

No. 319: Sharpedo

I'm a shark! I'm a shark! Suck my dick! I'm a shark!

Oh no, someone cut Jaws in half! Wait, no, that's just Sharpedo. And he still kicks ass.

He's a Water/Dark type, and as you should know, whenever you see a Dark sub-type, get ready for awesome. Sharpedo is just a frigging torpedo shark, and that's something wonderful right there.

and a shark evolving from a Piranha actually makes a lot of sense, seeing as how they are both predatory fish and all. Like Pelipper evolving from Wingull. If Carvanha looked more sleek, like I pointed out yesterday, the color scheme would probably not be such a jarring change, but whatever. Sharpedo also has a badass X-shaped scar on its head, probably from ramming into mountains and shit. Or maybe it was a close call with a whaling vessel. That Sharpedo inevitably sunk, and ate the entire crew.

Seriously, there's not really much to explain here: he's a shark. He's a torpedo. He's Water/Dark. Just get bent already, rest of the ocean.


Overall: 10/10

No. 318: Carvanha

CHOMP

A piranha that will carve you up, I like it, Gamefreak. However, that's not really anything like what a Piranha looks like. Carvanha looks all jaggedly and rough, hence its ability, Rough Skin, but actual piranhas are mostly smooth. They do have that trademark underbite, and the red belly, though.

And normally that's what a good Pokemon design does, it takes an animal, makes it different, and then adds something badass. But Carvanha, while an okay design, is just too different. If it weren't for the name, I'd think it was just an angry fish.

Also, one thing I've always wondered: You know how they say a school of piranhas can skeletonize a cow in like 2 minutes? How do you test something like that? Were they just dropping random animals in Amazon rivers and seeing how long it would take for a school of piranhas to eat them, or what? Or is a cow the standard scientific measurement of predatory ability? "A full-grown bear can eat an entire cow in 10 minutes", etc. Because, why a cow? Do cows fall into Amazon rivers a lot?


Overall: 5/10

No. 317: Swalot

please don't force me to make a joke about swallowing

If anyone else has read Tove Jansson's Moomin books, they too might be reminded of The Groke when they see Swalot.

The Groke is this monster lady thing, and wherever she walks, the ground freezes, and plants die. Her touch is deathly cold. She seeks warmth and friendship, but is always declined, because she only brings death. She also has been said to swallow people up on occasion.

Actually, that reminds me a little bit of Jynx. A hideous female, with Ice powers, who is always trying to get close to people but they don't want it because it's frigging gross.

Anyway, I like Swalot's design more than Gulpin, because it doesn't look like a gallbladder. It's still a bad spit/swallow Poison type, but at least it got me all nostalgic for a second.


Overall: 4/10

No. 316: Gulpin

oh, what the hell is this, I don't even...

Emoticon for a face. This isn't always a bad thing, but in this case, it's pretty much the worst emoticon. Then they re-use the same "3" shape for his "hands", and stick it all on a bland green sack of piss. With a feather on top, because why the hell not.

Poison-types are usually pretty bad, because Poison doesn't hurt shit, and it only good for Toxic. However, a Poison secondary typing is good, because it gives an otherwise vanilla Grass type Poison resistances and access to Toxic.

However, this is a Poison type with a Swallow/Spit-Up style. Meaning, non-STAB, hard to set up moves on a type I already stated is mediocre. Useless.

And whenever it opens its mouth, I get freaked out. Something that small should not have a mouth that big.


Overall: 1/10

No. 315: Roselia

tiny dancer, in my hand...

See those eyelashes? that means Roselia is a girl. It's important that we have cartoons to teach us these things, or else we'd all get confused.

I like how they handled the concept of "roses" in a new way. Not putting it on her head, not making a rose with teeth/eyes, they turned the hands into roses, making it look a little bit like pom-poms.

also, did you know that isn't not wearing clothes in the back? It seems to be wearing that leaf like a sexy apron, the little tease.


Overall: 7/10

2nd Anniversary!!

Hey, it's the second Anniversary of Not All Pokemon Are Created Equal! Can we call it NAPACE? Yes, yes we can.

Man, 2 years ago, I was just sitting around, thinking about how some Pokemon were just balls, but some were amazing, and I started making a blog about it. I got through the starters, and then lost interest for I don't know what reason.

But then, nearly 10 months later, I remembered it again. And started it back up. And, if I do say so myself, it's been a great success. I've had a lot of fun ranting and raving about these little guys, and I hope you've had fun reading it.

I want to thank all my followers, and give a special shout-out to the dudes (or ladies) in Slovenia, who comprise Napace's second biggest audience after the United States. I didn't even know Slovenia was a thing until I saw you guys popping up in the "audience" stats. Can you even read English? are you all just a bunch of spambots? Are you actually hipsters who set their country to Slovenia as a joke? speak up!

Another interesting fact: the Unown review is by far my most visited page. I think that's because of the alphabet image I used, though. After that it's Cloyster, Exeggcute, Steelix, and Jolteon. If you see a pattern, tell me, because I honestly have no clue why those got so many hits.

Anyway, thanks again for reading. We're stuck in the shitter of Gen 3 right now, but I'll keep on trucking. Because the world just needs to know, that not all Pokemon are created equal.

No. 314: Illumise

Fireflies, by Owl City, actually contains a fantastic bass line.

I like what one guy said: since they are called fireflies or lightning bugs, one of these little buggers should've been Bug/Fire and the other Bug/Electric. It would have made them actually different and memorable, and provided good version-exclusives.

Wait, hold on.

Yeah, okay, it turns out these SHITS aren't even version exclusives. Wait, neither were Plusle and Minun? WHAT THE HELL.

Man, that's just such a bad thing. When you have one Pokemon concept, like "firefly", you either just make the damn Pokemon, or, if you're feeling inspired and think you have two different designs in mind, you should put them in the opposite games, so that each game has a similar-but-different Pokemon.

I mean, that's why Growlithe and Vulpix are exclusives: they are incredibly similar in function, so they split them up.

But Volbeat and Illumise? I don't care if they have some sort of weird love-bug thing going on, there's no reason to waste two spots on a mediocre "dur i dunno a bug mebbe" design. This is the reason why people hate on Bug-types all the time.

and you know what's worse? I peeked, and we aren't going to see another decent Bug until the 5th Gen. FRIG.


Overall: 1/10

No. 313: Volbeat

You ever spent a Midwestern Summer evening sitting on the back porch, watching the dog chase fireflies? It's good times.

Now, is it just me, or is Volbeat strutting his stuff just a little bit here? He's got the supermodel stance going, sticking his ass and chest out, looking over his shoulder with a pouty look, and holding his hands almost to his lips in a "oh, did I do that? I'm such a naughty boy" kind of way.

it's making me a little uncomfortable, actually.

also, they missed an opportunity to make him Bug/Electric, though. I mean, it's called a lightning bug for a reason.


Overall: 3/10

No. 312: Minun

as quickly becoming a trend, I totally thought it was Minum, with an m, up until now.

Yeah, see my Plusle review. Semi-interesting idea, but executed in an aggravatingly Pikachu-imitator-esque way.

I guess all I have to say is that one friend once suggested they make a division and multiplication Pokemon as well. I stopped being his friend shortly thereafter.

so yeah, screw Minun. All my generosity towards these two wastes of space was spent yesterday. They can share that extra point, I'm not giving another.


Overall: 1/10