No. 027: Sandshrew

He's built like a brick house!

I like sandshrew. And I'm not sure why.

It's like, Sandshrew isn't one of the pokemon you think of when you think of "Pokemon". He's not super cool, or super cute, or has a big presence in the anime, he's just kinda there.

I like to think that Sandshrew doesn't really talk much, he just sits there and is fine by himself. When friends come over, he hangs out, but its not like he has to be in the center of attention all the time. He's fine either way. He's not a horrible pokemon, stat-wise, for a pre-evo. But he's not great either.

Sandshrew is moderation personified. If he had a slogan, it would be "Oh, yeah, I guess so, huh. Whatever."

Overall: 8/10

No. 026: Raichu

Man, I'm just missing days right and left here. Need to get back on track.

And who better to get back on track with than the loveable Raichu?

He's not as cute as Pikachu, but he's possibly cooler. That whip-like tail with a lightning bolt on the end is badass.

It's his ears that get me, though. They just look dopey. If he'd had long bunny-ears like Pikachu, then he'd be perfect. And also he's orange. Hmm. that's two strikes.

Still awesome, though.

Overall: 9/10

No. 025: Pikachu

Wait, who is this again? I don't remember this one from the show...

Oh, yeah. Pikachu. I think I saw it once or twice. Didn't it do some sort of electric thingie, where - okay, I can't keep that up.

Everybody knows Pikachu. Even people who don't play pokemon or watch the show know Pikachu. Even people who don't play video games and don't watch TV know Pikachu.

He's more famous than most famous people in the world, and with good reason. His design totally works.

1. cute rabbit ears
2. trademark lightning bolt tail
3. some rodents store nuts in their cheeks. Pikachu stores electricity.

Pikachu is not only THE electric type pokemon, he's THE pokemon, period.

overall: 10/10

No. 024: Arbok

Spell it backwards.

You get kobrA, which isn't even a word. what the hell.

Anyway, as any grade schooler can tell you, the cobra is the coolest kind of snake. So, Arbok gets points just for that.

Then, it actually looks threatening. Not many pokemon do, but Arbok does. It looks like it just might take a chunk out of your leg. Plus, the hood design is a nice touch.

Again, taking the classic pokemon route: take a cool animal (cobra), make is strange (purple), add something crazy (... pattern?) Okay, so it doesn't follow through like it could, but it's still pretty awesome.

Overall: 8/10

No. 023: Ekans

Spell it backwards.

Ekans is a snake. That - that's pretty much it. It has a rattler tail, which is cool, and it's purple, but it has no fangs.

None.

I'm not sure what to think about Ekans. I guess it's kind of like Ratatta in that way, it gets the job done well enough, but nothing special really.

I still think it should've had fangs...


Overall: 5/10

No. 022: Fearow

Fun Fact: Fearow was a broken S-tier threat in the early days of competitive pokemon!

actually, no, he's wasn't. I just made that up.

But unlike Raticate, Fearow doesn't need bullshit to make him interesting. Fearow is a unique bird pokemon, which is, well, unique.

He is more like an albatross or something than a hawk, and he has a very distinctive beak. Maybe he's like a heron?

The point is, Fearow looks like a pokemon, not like an actual animal. He could be cooler, sure, but as far as bird pokemon go, he's pretty good.

Overall: 7/10

No. 021: Spearow

Spearow's just a cooler Pidgey, right?

No. Spearow is just another pidgey. He is more shaggy, and meaner, but still. still a lame bird that looks like the cousin of that other lame bird, and is often found in the same patched of grass as that other lame bird.

screw Fearow. He is not cool, not even.

Now, if there WAS no Pidgey, and Spearow was the only little bird pokemon, then he'd be more acceptable. But seeing as how Pidgey DOES exist, and they were too lazy to even change the goddamned color scheme, and seeing as how in the anime all Spearows are JERKS...

Overall: 2/10

No. 020: Raticate

He's the Greatest Criminal Mind!

Heeeeeeeeere's... RATIGAN!

Just kidding.

I thought that maybe referencing the Great Mouse Detective would make Raticate more interesting, but it didn't work.

Raticate is just a fat rat, and that's that.

Overall: 4/10

No. 019: Ratatta

Even Ratatta doesn't know how to pronouce his name.

I mean, is it Rah-tah-tah, or ra-tah-taw, or ra-TA-ta, or ra-ta-tat, or what?

Like Pidgey, he is the other primary weak wild pokemon. Unlike Pidgey, I can actually stomach Ratatta. This is because he isn't just a regular animal put in a game.

Rats aren't purple, and they don't have hairy, curly tails. But his main redeeming factor? He's not as omni-present as Pidgey.

In short, he's everything I'd expect of the first enemy you meet: weak, passable yet forgettable design, and stays in the first couple routes.

Overall: 5/10

No. 018: Pidgeot

Hey, Pidgeot! Just like the name sounds, Pidgeotto, but not as much!


wait, what?


That's a bigger Pidgeotto. Look, its hair is bigger, its tail is bigger, its wings are bigger. Why does is have a smaller name? this is freaking stupid.

It should go Pidgey --> Pidgeot --> Pidgeotto.

That would make sense.

Well, besides that, Pidgeot finally makes a bird look cool, what with that long-ass hair and all. I guess I really can't complain much here, except for the stupid, stupid name evolution...

Overall: 6/10

No. 017: Pidgeotto

This one counts for the 17th, by the way.

Pidgey evolves into Pidgeotto, who is... a bigger Pidgey. Just like the name sounds, Pidgey, but... more of it.

Bigger hair, bigger tail, bigger wings - actually, this isn't an evolution at all. This is just regular growing up. You know, like everyone does. Nothing special here.

Still, at least it looks more like a falcon than a chicken.

Overall: 3/10

In other news...

Generation 5 just got fully revealed today.

   

 When I started this thing, I was thinking of the 500 pokes at the time, but now I have to deal with 150 more?? Actually, most of those guys look pretty neat, so it's cool actually. Check out the elvis monkey, plank pig, evil crocodile, mariachi cactus, possessed coffin, ghostly jellyfish, electric spider, magic lantern, afro buffalo, and neon genisis evangelion bug way at the bottom there. I love nintendo so much for being able to type that last paragraph.

No. 016: Pidey

Aaaaaaaaand now here's the suck

Now, I can appreciate the ecological niche that Pidgey probably fills. I can appreciate that the game has to start of with weak, boring pokemon so that it can build up to epic, high powered pokemon near the end. I can even appreciate that there has to be SOME pokemon based of a tiny, inconsequential bird.

However.

HOW IN HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO APPRECIATE PIDGEY POPPING UP IN EVERY DAMN PATCH OF GRASS FROM START TO FINISH!?

While Beedrill took an actual animal and poke-fied it, Pidgey is just that freaking animal. It is just a bird. That is all. It isn't even a cool bird.

Okay, okay, you have to have a pidgey to get a Pidgeotto, okay, but screw that shit. I'll talk about Pidgeotto when its his damn turn, but right now, Pidgey is on my chopping block, and it looks like I'm having chicken for dinner.

I hate Pidgey, so much, IN THE FACE.

Overall: 1/10

No. 015: Beedrill

Finally!

Beedrill is the first of a handful of great bug pokemon that balance out the mass of sucky bug pokemon.

His design is great, it is everything pokemon should be. Start with a recognizable animal base (bee), tweak it a little bit (more humanoid), and then add something badass onto it (drill hands).

I mean, the guy has freaking drills for hands. Or maybe they're spikes. Whatever. The only thing is his stats, which are - actually, forget that mess. There is no downside to Beedrill.

Plus, shiny Beedrill looks like the mascot for the New Orleans Hornets.


Overall: 10/10

No. 014: Kakuna

Well, piss, looks like I missed a day.

You might think that since I liked Weedle, because he's a better Caterpie, I'd like Kakuna because he's a better Metapod, right?

Wrong. Both Metapod AND Kakuna AND any future hypothetical cacoon pokemon are inherently lame and I hate them.

They are just too damn stupid for me to even pretend there is anything good about these guys, and Kakuna is no exception. I guess I like how he foreshadows Beedrill a bit, but honestly he's still a goddamn cacoon.

3/10

No. 013: Weedle

Weedle is another little caterpillar, except better.

While Caterpie is basically just a bug, like you'd find in real life, Weedle is some dangerous freaking thing with a spike on both ends.

Don't get me wrong, he's still garbage game-wise, but he's a hell of a lot cooler than any other caterpillar I know.

Overall: 6/10

No. 012: Butterfree

Butterfree shouldn't be here.

Okay, so Butterfree isn't good, and looks kinda dopey. I've got no love for the guy, even with his anime apperances. Also, allow me to blow your freaking mind for a minute here.

Imagine the revised caterpie evolution ending with a green venomoth.

Much better, I think. So, I'm chalking this one down to some drunk japanese programmer's mistake.

But anyway, Butterfree himself? Like Catepie, he's just a butterfly. Easy to squash.

Overall: 3/10 (but 5/10 if they'd at least got the evolution right)

No. 011: Metapod

The only time I'm glad to see a Metapod is on the other side of the field.

Why? For one thing, Metapods are easy to kill, and give reasonable exp for the stage in the game when you're likely to run into them. Also, if there's a metapod on my side of the field, then I know I've been taking drugs because Metapod can't do shit.

Also, what way is he supposed to face? Is that a nose on the right hand side there, and he's like an angry moon? Or is that a fin or something, and he's depressed?

Either way, he's still a bad and uncool and confusing pokemon.

Overall: 2/10.

No. 010: Caterpie

Ignore the year-long hiatus. It is irrelevant.

Caterpie evolves really really quick, man. I don't even remember the one I had, it turned into a metapod like really quick.

Seriously, Caterpie is just forgettable. Nothing special going on here, just a little catterpillar.

Oh, and string shot DEFINITELY doesn't work as well in the games as in the show, just sayin'.

Overall: 3/10