Gigantamax no. 5: Machamp

imagine the size of that title belt

Machamp feels like a good choice to turn into a kaiju, plus his crest reminds me of Ultraman a bit. But I'm disappointed by the fact that he doesn't grow any more arms, he just puts on pants and gets Cheeto dust all over his hands.

like, Machamp is still really cool, and a giant version that's basically the same is also still really cool, but it feels like they barely even tried here.

Overall: 500/1000

Gigantimax no. 4: Meowth

Longcat is looooooooooooooooooooong

Here's another silly one, and again, I can't bring myself to muster up the usual level of disdain I reserve for Gamefreak's sense of humor. Maybe it's because those mid-2000s years on the internet were formative for me, and I'll always appreciate Nobiko (RIP) and her contributions to internet culture. But I like this one, too.

The way Meowth is SO tall it pierces through the clouds is great, too. I'll stop harping about those clouds now, because it's a continual design flaw in all of them, but what can you do. At least Gigantamax Meowth can use them to deodorize his armpits or something.

Overall: 800/1000

Gigantamax no. 3: Pikachu

I'm doing all the Gigantamax Pokemon from the base game first, THEN the ones included via DLC, in case it wasn't clear.

They finally heard you! All those Gen-wunners, nostalgic for old Pikachub artwork where he was a fat lil' bean, your wishes have been heard. And for once, I like this joke. It's a fun way to acknowledge the change in design for one of the world's most iconic characters. I even like how his tail becomes an accordion of zig-zags, echoing every 7-year-old tasked with drawing Pikachu from memory, using only crayons and construction paper.

Orienting the clouds around his tail almost works this time, too. That thing is clearly generating intense electric currents, makes sense storm clouds would be gathering around it. A shame that when it moves, the clouds stay the exact same shape and size and tilt in their orbit to match the tail, instead of acting like, you know, clouds.

But yeah, this is honestly one of my favorite Gigantamax forms because it's a fun joke that gets to STAY a fun joke - I can rest easy knowing it's not gonna stick around. I think I would have been more receptive to the jokier Mega Evolutions if I knew they weren't going to be a forever-thing.

Overall: 900/1000

Galarian Darmanitan

GORILLA TACTICS

No matter the region, this line stays winning. Galarian Darmanitan seems more chill (hah) than the OG, covering up that manic grin with a Santa Claus beard, and the flaming eyebrows with a wobbly afro. When viewed from behind, it makes the visual impression of a snowman, which is kinda nice I guess but feels a bit unnecessary considering the Zen Form this time is LITERALLY a snowman. So I would've done something else with the head, maybe just big frosty brows?

But still, it's a good design. and I appreciate the ability to turn off your brain and return to Monke with its ability, powering up a move but locking you into using ONLY that move. This can be combined with Choice Scarf to make it a goddamn terror.

But that's not all! The Zen Form gimmick returns, although I don't know if it's better than simply brute forcing things with Gorilla Tactics. But it does solve some problems the original had - this Zen mode still procs when at 50% HP, but it makes Galarian Darmanitan faster and even stronger, instead of reducing speed and swapping its primary damage statlines. And it becomes the series' first Ice/Fire type, which is neat!

I think the design is almost good, but the flaming carrot nose is positioned just a bit too high up between the "eyes", looking like a horn instead of the nose. Nice to see the psychotic grin return, though.

All in all, no matter how you look at it, Galarian Darmanitan is a lot of fun to use and kick ass.

Overall: 10/10

Galarian Darumaka

a holly jolly fellow

I liked regular Darumaka. I like Galarian Darumaka. Both are two sides of a coin, chili vs chilly. I like how the artwork depicts them with dancing on the other foot, and how the Galarian version is making the opposite expression. He's less mischievous-grin, more concerned-grimace.

But this design is so good, it looks like it could be the original version of the Pokemon. Some regional forms are clearly playing on your expectations based on the original, but Galarian Darumaka just takes all the same solid design principles and applies them through a lens of ice, rather than fire. Well done.

Overall: 8/10

Galarian Stunfisk

"oh you missed some pokemon, oh you spelled Gigantamax wrong, oh you messed up your new scale" Look, who's writing this site, you or me!? Don't make me turn this blog around! (I joke, thank you for pointing out all the dumb mistakes I make)

It feels like every few generations, they have to create "mimic" Pokemon that look like a Pokeball in the overworld (and thus an item), but when you go to pick it up, they attack you. Voltorb, Foongus, and now Galarian Stunfisk. I'm calling it now - next time will be an anglerfish.

anyway, this guy's neat. I think it works better than normal Stunfisk, because the idea of a bear-trap makes more sense than a hidden electric pad or whatever. I think the green spots are meant to imitate footprints, to help it look safe. Although you can't even see them from the overworld.

Only weird thing is, the Mimicry ability changes its type based on the Terrain applied to the battle, but it doesn't really learn any terrain-changing moves! I guess it's for doubles?

Overall: 7/10

Gigantamax no. 2: Butterfree

the poor man's Mothra

can we talk about how when your Pokemon gets gigantic that's called "Dynamax", but when it gets gigantic AND dynamically changes into a new form that's called "Gigantamax? Like, what the hell? It's as bad as Kingdom Hearts, where when a person splits, their body (without its heart) is called a "Nobody", but their heart (without its body) is called a "Heartless".

anyway, this is literally just Butterfree but with bigger wings. I guess the green shimmer is nice? and ironically the proportions are closer to real-life butterflies. By the way, now that I pointed it out, I can't stop noticing the cloud halo in every one of these things and I think I honestly despise it. Feels like someone drew them as part of the concept art once, people thought they were a solid physical aspect of each design.

Like, are the clouds what make them big? How come they grow giant and THEN the clouds form overhead, then? I hate it.

Overall: 400/1000

Gigantamax no. 1: Charizard

You didn't think I'd leave you again, did you? Just a week break, and we're back at it.

First off, let's talk about the entire concept of Gigantamax and Dynamax as a whole. In a word, it sucks. In more words, it's yet another attempt to breathe life into a fossilized battle system by introducing huge once-per-battle power-ups, replacing Mega Evolutions and Z-Moves. But each of these make a crucial error - the battle system is, actually, fine. It doesn't need to be spiced up with big ugly dipshits that slow down the pace with lengthy cinematic attacks, because the main game is ALREADY easy enough.

And from a competitive perspective, although I can't really speak for that crowd, as I understand there's plenty of depth to the meta. And each game builds on this by introducing new Pokemon with type combinations, moves, and abilities. It's like Yugioh trying to sustain itself by making up new Extra Deck summoning mechanics - except Pokemon, mercifully, doesn't stack Gigantamax on top of the previous systems. On the other hand, since it replaces them, that kinda reveals how extraneous they were, doesn't it?

As for the designs themselves, it's tough to compare them on the same scale as normal Pokemon. A huge component to all these designs is just "him big" and as a result the artwork is set at this upwards perspective, making Charizard's head appear comically tiny here.

with all that said, If you're going to turn Pokemon into kaiju, Charizard is a logical choice. I like the flaming wings. The design is fine, but once you see it in-game, it gets a whole lot worse. The model makes the baffling decision to have a plume of fire constantly sticking out of Charizard's mouth - which doesn't billow like flame, but waves in the wind like a tongue.

And can we talk about that little circle of clouds? With most of the Pokemon, it appears like a halo around their highest point (usually the head). Obviously this is intended to imitate a gathering storm, just some epic clouds. The problem is that the clouds aren't actual particle effects, they're a static object that's parented to the Pokemon's limb - meaning it shakes around when that body part moves, defying physics and ruining the entire effect. With Charizard, it's on his tail, and constantly moving.

Overall: 300/1000 (gotta use a bigger scale)

Galarian Moltres

like a phoenix from the ashes

OH YEAH THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! Moltres was the weakest of the Kanto trio, but Galarian Moltres is the best of the new generation. And that's saying something, as the other two are quite good as well!

But you just can't beat the godlike color scheme of Brett "The Hitman" Hart, especially not when it's all on fire like that. Honestly this thing barely resembles Moltres anymore, with the hooked beak, but that's fine because Moltres was a big dumb chicken and Galarian Moltres is some avenging spirit of flaming majesty.

Overall: 10/10

Galarian Zapdos

remember when the Australians lost a war to some emus?

Zapdos was my favorite of the original trio, but the same isn't true for Galarian Zapdos. That's not to say he's bad, simply that the others got even better in Galar. Putting this one on the ground is a bold choice, and required playing with the proportions more than the rest - strong legs, big tail to balance out for the small wings. Which works, for the most part. Being the first Flying/Fighting is a nice distinction, too.

And while I think I still like original Zapdos better, Galarian Zapdos still kicks ass. I regret giving the o.g. a mere 8 back then, because that's where I'd place the revamp, and I'd like to show some difference. Alas, I'm not so cowardly as to go back and edit my old review scores for internal consistency.

Overall: 8/10

Galarian Articuno

mag freaking neato

Speaking of villains, Galarian Articuno looks like another boss. Never seen a bird cross its arms and hover menacingly before, but he's pulling it off. And he shoots laser beams from his eyes! I think Galarian takes on the Legendary Birds was a great idea, and I hope the next game does the same for the Legendary Dogs.

I wasn't too keen on the original Articuno, so this new form being so sick is a welcome improvement.

Overall: 9/10

Galarian Slowking

oh he EVIL evil

goddamn I love this. the Shellder has assumed control of Slowking, and turned him into a 70s anime villain. You can just imagine this guy commanding his legions of mooks to attack the heroes as he plots to steal the moon or blow up North America.

I even like how he's not fully purple, to show that this is a poison infecting the body, which is left as a puppet. If you remove the cursed helmet, maybe Slowpoke can be saved. But likely, even after learning his tragic backstory, he'll have to die when his flying gunship explodes.

See, this is just the right amount of goofiness for me. He's a badass evil mastermind, even though he's still sort of a dumpy pink hippo-thing.

Overall: 10/10

Galarian Slowbro

Metroid Dread was mad good btw

I like how Slowbro is looking at the Shellder on his arm like "this can't be good"

except it IS good! Arm cannons rock. And since we already have a split evolution if Slowpoke gets bit on its tail or head, makes sense that biting other parts leads to other evolutions. Curiously, though it only got bit on one hand, the poison appears to be spreading to its other hand as well, not to mention its head and tail. But those were already discolored before, so whatever.

Pokedex tells me it's causing a "chemical reaction" with the "natural spices" inside Galarian Slowbro's body, and that sounds like as good an explanation as anything that happens in these games.

Overall: 8/10

Galarian Slowpoke

boneless slowpoke

hey, what if I dipped your Slowpoke in some honey mustard sauce? would he lose his Water typing somehow? maybe his tail would taste better?

idk what you want from me, this shit is lazy as hell

Overall: 2/10

Galarian Weezing

and an epic bacon mustache waffle to you too, good sir! *tips hat*

Gamefreak has this idea that when you make something really tall, it gets really funny. Except I'm not laughing. It was dumb as hell for Alolan Executor, and Galarian Weezing is dumb as hell, too.

I don't appreciate this Doug Dimmadome (owner of the Dimsdale Dimmadome) looking bastard and his smoggy mustache, which you must realize is just putrid gas hanging around his face. Think about that. Euugh.

I think the literal stovepipe hats don't have to be a silly concept, and you could probably design a whole Pokemon line around that. Some sort of Poison/Steel factory robot mech? instead, we have British Cosplay Weezing, who is part Fairy because who knows anymore

Overall: 1/10

Galarian Rapidash

the last unicorn

Rapidash was already a unicorn, but its Galarian form is REALLY a unicorn. And it's finally part Fairy, which seems like it should have been there from the start and only picked up a Psychic sub-type upon evolution, but.

I usually like those trailing things on hooves, but in this case they look like they get in the way of the already drag-on-the-floor-long mane and tail. And I liked the cotton candy better, anyway. But I admit I am not the target demographic: manchildren in their 30s little girls. That's the intended market for My Little Pony, right? It's so easy to forget...

Overall: 6/10

Galarian Ponyta

Friendship is magic

Look, it's Ponyta, but with even cuter proportions, and fluffy cotton-candy hair. This one was a slam-dunk, hard to screw it up. Put a horn on it, now your pretty pony is a magical unicorn, easy.

Wait, why's it Psychic? not Fairy?

huh???

Overall: 8/10