No. 147: Dratini

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Dratini is so cute... awwww...

Seriously, there are some Pokemon that are badass as hell, some that are ugly and stupid, and then there's the ones that give me a heart attack from so much cute.

Like, Dratini is almost Eevee-level cuteness. Giant watery eyes, cute little horn, round ol' nose, ear fin-things and awwwwww!

Dratini is officially the cutest dragon I've ever seen, even though it's more like a sea serpent.

I also like how you totally know the texture without even thinking about it. Dratini is slick and smooth and silky, you just know it. If you cuddled it in your arms, and then squeezed hard, it would just slip out with a ZOOP sound effect. Yeah, totally ZOOP.

Overall: 10/10

No. 146: Moltres

Who want's some Kentucky-fried Chicken?

and yeah, if you didn't get the uno-dos-tres Spanish counting name scheme going on for the legendary birds, I just said it just now, so now you have no excuse.

But Moltres.

Not too hot. (ohohoho I crack myself up)


He looks like a phoenix, okay, but... kinda generic. Orange-yellow chicken body, and just wings and tail set on fire. Ho-oh is a much cooler legendary bird of fire, but that's something we'll get to in time.

Moltres just looks kinda stupid to me, and not at all what a legendary beast of flame and fury should be like.

hey, this is a good time to bring up the third Pokemon movie. The one where that asshole wanted to capture all the legendary birds, yeah? That guy was a dick. When he lost, he just stared at his ancient Mew card and was all "...and so it begins again..." like he didn't even learn his lesson. What a douche.

but now that I think about it, doesn't he have the right mindset? He's actually trying to catch 'em all, unlike Ash, who gave up after like 10 episodes.

but yeah, Moltres... meh.

Overall: 4/10

No. 145: Zapdos

This episode of Not All Pokemon are Created Equal was brought to you by the Spanish Numero Dos!

Zapdos is my favorite legendary bird, because he has the most badass beak, and he just looks the most wicked and jagged.

Seriously, he look like what a hot lick on a guitar sounds like: biggitty biggittty biggitty biggitty bannana bannana bannana bannana WAKITA WAKITA WAKITA WAKITA PREEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW BADDLE-OO-BAYW







...whew... I'm all worn out now...

Overall: 8/10

No. 144: Articuno

And so we begin our descent into the legendaries of the first generation.

Okay, first things first, in Japan, Articuno is named Freezer. Or, phonetically, Freeza. That's right, just the same as Freezer/Frieza from DBZ. Same katakana.

So Articuno is Frieza, that's pretty cool. (get it? get it?)

But the rest of Articuno is not that impressive. Big ol' tail, yeah, tiny beak, I don't know... if they had gone all the way, and made him a giant snowy owl, like in that animated Sinbad movie, then things could've been amazing.

But as it is, Articuno is just meh.

Overall: 5/10

No. 143: Snorlax

Snorlax what are you doing down there. You aren't even a legendary or a dragon type. You don't belong there.

Snorlax is a fat piece of lard who doesn't give two shits who knows it. He'll just frigging fall asleep on your dumb ass, or on top of your picnic, or in the middle of the god-damned road, and he will just sleep there, content in the knowledge that there is no damn way in hell that you are getting his ass to move.

Snorlax reminds me so hard of Totoro. Except Totoro actually does shit, whereas Snorlax just eats and sleeps.

So he's a man after my own heart.

Snorlax is a fat bastard, and I love 'im.

Overall: 8/10

No. 142: Aerodactyl

KREEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWW

I don't like Aerodactyl. He has a big old derpy jaw. He has a pot belly.

He's another one of those ones that really should be a dragon-type, but that would be overpowered, but screw it, couldn't he have been a great typing, but only okay stats?

but still, I don't really care for Aerodactyl. He's ugly as sin. I do remember him being in the last verse of the Pokerap, though.

Charmeleon!
Wartortle!
Mewtwo, Tentacruel, Ae-ro-dactyl!

...

Overall: 3/10

No. 141: Kabutops

I see your creepy, and raise you my intimidating.

It's like a horseshoe crab just freaking decided to stand up on dinosaur legs, get spikes all along its back, and then grow gigantic terrifying scythe-hands.

Kabutops is basically a Godzilla monster.

also, it apparently has a scientific name: Kabutops Maximus. I think that if your full name contains the phrase "maximus" anywhere in it, you are a complete and utter badass.

anyway, I just wish Kabutops was available earlier, because I really want to use one in the main game.

Overall: 10/10

No. 140: Kabuto

Remember the Kabuto puzzle in the ruins of alph?

Kabuto is a nice little Pokemon. He looks sinister, but also just small enough to be a little cute. But in a swarm, oh sweet jesus look out.

There's nothing wrong with Kabuto at all, honestly. He looks like a creepy little bugger, and his job is to be an ancient shellfish, which by definition is a creepy little bugger.

and MAN, check out this sprite from crystal: 

HOW CREEPY IS THAT??

and now in Black and White, he floats, and honestly looks a little too much like a metroid for me to feel comfortable, especially since his specialty is draining moves.

Overall: 9/10

No. 139: Omastar

Now HERE'S something to frighten the children.

Omastar looks like Omanyte, but with spikes, teeth, and tentacles comeing out of his armpits.

and that's Cthulu-level terror, right there.




Okay, maybe its not, but it still looks threatening. I don't want to get near such and ugly bastard. It might eat my finger, and possibly suck my face off.

but compared to the other fossil Pokemon out there, Omastar is kinda weaksauce.

Overall: 5/10

No. 138: Omanyte

If Jurassic Park did it, so can the Pewtwer City museum!

Omanyte is a cute little neener, who probably was just too naive and got tricked into bathing in the tar pits.

But forget Omanyte, let's talk about his inspiration: The Freaking Nautilis. This bitch lives near the surface of the ocean, but when it gets hungry, it sinks all the damn way to the bottom to find food, which it does by swimming backwards. Then it floats back up. It does this all the god damned time. And it has been doing this for millions of years. There were nautiloids chilling with the dinosaurs. Also the nautilis has more tentacles than your average anime.

It's kinda say when your fictional, battling monster doesn't even compare to the real deal.

Overall: 3/10