No. 733: Toucannon

turns out every color of Froot-Loop is actually the exact same flavor.

After a poor start, I wasn't expecting much from this line. But then, descending from the heavens like my own personally big-beaked savior, came Toucannon. He's angry as a hell and twice as pissed.

And unlike Trumbeak, he benefits from the animation - his beak actually changes colors as it powers-up, looking like a super meter charging. It fits great for his very unique personal move, Beak Blast, which goes last but burns anyone who makes contact with him before that. 100 power is great, and while it sucks to take a hit, you get to burn the opponent out of it! As a Flying type! How often does that happen!?

It's a great gimmicky move (I pair it with Drill Peck to get some immediate attack power if I can't afford to tank anything) and he still retains his decent movepool from before.

Plus (and I cannot emphasize this enough) he is goddamn livid 100% of the time. Maybe he hates his previous forms, maybe he hates Alola, maybe he hates YOU, I have no idea but it's amazing.


Overall: 10/10

No. 732: Trumbeak

is this bird wearing lipstick

I ended up actually using my Trumbeak somewhat, because he learned Brick Break and some other move, ending up with quite a bit of versatility. And also because, in an effort to only build a team around new Pokemon, there's slim pickings on the first island.

But I mentioned before that I'm going to start taking a Pokemon's animations into account, since they are no longer designed to communicate everything about them in one still image. And usually that means better things, you can see their gimmicks or design facets that weren't apparent.

But Trumbeak actually gets worse with animations - I've never seen a bird pucker up and blow a kiss before, but now I have and it's goofy as hell. Beaks don't work that way, and if you wanted him to have a trumpet for a beak then maybe just make it like that from the start. Have we had any pokemon that are made to look like musical instruments before? Might be neat, actually.

Anyway, Trumbeak had a chance to stand out a bit from the rest of his filthy avian cousins by pushing the woodpecker theme, but instead of getting a drill beak he flaps that thing open and plays a tune. Well, he may as well play his own funeral march because he is dead to me now.


Overall: 1/10

No. 731: Pikipek

I was gonna try and type out the Woody Woodpecker laugh, but it would just come across as gibberish. You'll have to imagine it yourself.

New region, new piece of crap bird. It never changes. Kinda looks like those little cardinals that are all over Hawai'i, so that's nice, but in the end nobody has any reason to give a single shit about this little dude if it weren't for his evolutions.

So instead, I'll just take this opportunity to point out another mounting problem with Pokemon. Back in Gen 4 we complained about them being over-designed, but these days we're seeing a different sort of under-designed aspect, where they make the pokemon exceedingly simple for the modelers/engine.

The fur and feathers get simplified into smooth little spikes or flaps, it's the clay-style I was talking about earlier with Popplio. Granted, this re-designed Pikipek is still super boring because it's just another bird, but it looks as if the artist was at least trying.


Overall: 2/10

Pokemon Moon First Thoughts vol. 6

Finished the game! Or at least beat the Elite Four and saw the credits.

-I can't believe I got into a Pokemon game's plot so much that I don't want to give away spoilers! Somebody, give the people in charge of story/writing a raise, they were putting in work. I felt connected to the major characters, and even the minor ones showing up at the end for the big party was cool.

-Speaking of, they did a great job handling the box Legendary this time around, though it would've been even cooler to get Nebby in your actual party, and restrict its evolution to storyline events.

-I've got some opinions on the Elite 4 themselves, but I'll save that for when we get to rating them, after the Alolan pokemon are done.

-Odd choice for Victory Road (Grand Poni Canton in this case) not to take place directly before the league, but whatever. I walked into that icy cave expecting a major dungeon and was slightly disappointed there weren't any trainers to be found.

-Have I mentioned that it's some ol' bullshit trying to get the version-exclusive colors and clothes? Your trainer customization is already so limited, why screw it up further?

-Overall, this was a great game. I was engaged every step of the way and had a lot of fun. Definitely one of my favorites, going right up there with SoulSilver and Black 2. Would love to see a Moon 2 on the Switch, like the rumors are saying, some sequel that advances the story and lets us see where the characters are in a few years.

No. 730: Primarina

Remember Prima Guides? Remember how much they sucked?

For once, the secondary typing makes total sense. It's one of the most blatant waifu-mons I've ever seen, so of course it's part Fairy. After all, it's a pretty pretty princess! That hair must be a nightmare to maintain.

It's funny to compare Primarina to Dewgong. they're both based on seals but one of them is flat and boring, and the other has little costume details all over the damn place. (yes I know a dugong isn't a seal but work with me here). Chalk it up to higher graphical fidelity allowing the designers to include more elements, or perhaps shifting design sensibilities. But the result is something that looks nothing like a Pokemon.

I think I've isolated what it is about these recent starters, and some others, that does sit right with me:  they don't look like common monsters. They look like unique characters. And I think that's an important part of a Pokemon (aside from Legendaries obviously) is that they ought to be monsters. Not necessarily animals, but.

And yeah, I know there's only one starter in the game anyway so they're practically unique, but I just can't imagine other people running around with their own Primarinas, or Decidueyes, or any of them existing in the wild.

And it's too bad, because Primarina has a decent design, but she belongs in some children's cartoon as the Queen of Mermaidopolis, not in a pokeball.


Overall: 3/10

No. 729: Brionne

I've had it with this idolshit invading all my favorite series

Brionne is better than Popplio, though that isn't exactly hard. That collar turning into a dress is a nice touch, and it's got cute eyes. So, a success, I suppose? In a limited sort of way for an off-night.

because it's still not terribly exciting, and I don't really like the ears, but at least it's cute.


Overall: 5/10

Pokemon Moon First Thoughts vol. 5

-Before going further, I took this time to make sure I had everybody I wanted from the routes:

Mr. Bear the Stufful

Hukilau the Comfey

Dr. Zaius the Oranguru

Pikaboo the Mimikyu

Gradius the Minior

Gelato the Sandygast

Humu the Bruxish

(plus some obligatory older-gen Pokes, but whatever)

-But after cruising through the trials until now, I got stomped by Mimikyu. I knew it would absorb the first attack, but then I tried to sleep it, missed the first time, and when I hit it immediately ate its berry and recovered. Also I didn't realize it was part Fairy. Re-ordered my party, and had Papaya Pluck that bitch first thing, and it was fairly simple after that.

-Then I got humbled again, fighting one of the Route Boss trainers I'd skipped over. I let Ledian set up both kinds of screen, so when Pinsir came out I couldn't KO him before he Swords Danced twice, and then he went Brick Broke Back Mountain on my ass. For the rematch I just got rid of Ledian in a hurry, so I still had an available avenue of attack to defeat Pinsir.

-After that, the real blow to my pride came. The Route Boss up on that mountain only had one Absol, and it Night Slashed my team to death like it was straight outta some 80's horror flick. No strategy, just too stronk. But, I realized a lot of my team was right around level 30, just a few shy of evolving. Grudgingly I turned EXP share back on for a bit, and evolved 'em all. Easily won the rematch, especially with Pikaboo taking point.

-Can we just say how absolutely amazing Mimikyu is? Tanking the first hit, of any kind, is SO damn good. Some times I use it to Swords Dance, sometimes I just use it for a free attack, it lets me switch in with impunity, and then the darn thing has the speed and attack to still make a difference, and the defense to stick around afterwards, too. I'll be singing this thing's praises very highly in a few weeks, or months, or whenever it comes up.

-Team Skull is amazing. Po Town was amazing. Guzma and Plumeria are amazing. I love everything about these boneheads.

-The story is actually maybe kinda good? Is that possible? I care about the characters, and it surprised me with some bits, more than I can say for any other Pokemon game, which tend to be as by-the-numbers as possible. Still not finished, but I'm invested and want to know what happens next. This is a first for me.

-Got to Poni Island, the Kaua'i analog... and the map is showing it's basically a wasteland without civilization. Big ol' dustbin where Kapa'a should be. Ever heard of Mt. Waialeale? Rainiest spot in the world? Or that Kaua'i is known as the Garden Island? Yet you decide to make it the desert level of the game. Fucking thanks, Gamefreak.

-but seriously, Lillie is adorable and I'm even starting to come around on Hau and I want to play more but I've been so busy with other junk

No. 728: Popplio

brought to you by Sculpey

Popplio looks like he would be extremely easy to make out of clay, is what I'm saying. His limbs, ears, and nose all look like there's no way they could have grown organically, someone had to stick 'em on there. And it's not even Will Vinton or Laika here, I'm talking some Gumby shit. I'm talking some Morph-tier half-assed claymation, the kind where you can see the fingerprints all over everything and the characters just glide around instead of walk properly because animation is hard.

And also I think his nose looks like a party had that he's wearing down over his mouth, instead of on his head. I didn't choose him, taking Litten instead, and Hau decided he'd rather take the elemental disadvantage and go with Rowlet than pick Popplio, and I don't blame him.


Overall: 2/10

No. 727: Incineroar

...AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CINEROAR


We continue the theme of unpredictable sub-types. Why isn't the wrestle-cat Fire/Fighting? I guess because he's a Heel, so he's Dark, and Fire/Fighting starters are overdone, but... it's like Decidueye being Grass/Ghost. More of a decision for interesting gameplay, than any sense relating to the design.

And this design is some Tony-the-Tiger-ass shit. The grey chest looks dumb, and there's something "off" about the entire face. And as badass as the flaming belt sounds, in practice it doesn't really work. Flaming shoulders would've been cool as hell, or how about a FLAMING MANE ON YOUR TIGER POKEMON JESUS CHRIST GAMEFREAK IS IT SO HARD

Speaking of wrasslin', the theme job here is half-assed. Sure, he learns a Lariat, but then he does a big goofy Zangief lariat that's more like a cyclone maneuver. And his Z-move is called Moonsault, but it's more like a 450 Splash. (I do like the trainer doing the YES fingers tho) Throat Chop is cool, but redundant when Darkest Lariat exists. And they missed an opportunity not giving him an ability where he powers up when you switch him in for an ally who was at low health. Hell, call it Hot Tag, that even works with the Fire typing. Gamefreak, call me. I'm doing your damn job for you over here.

I'm giving this guy a low score mainly for being so much wasted potential, and also for being a roody-poo candy ass jabroni. And that's the bottom line, 'cuz NAPACE said so.


Overall: 3/10

Pokemon Moon First Thoughts vol. 4

Finished out Akala, and did the Electric trial in Ula'ula.

-I was playing with Exp Share on, because I was catching a bunch of dudes and swapping them out all the time, but now that my team is solidifying I turned it off, for a better difficulty curve. It's not really "hard", because the NPCs still only use 1 or 2 Pokemon, but it doesn't feel like a cakewalk either.

-Papaya evolved into Toucannon, and is definitely the MVP of my team right now. But that might just be because he's the only one who's fully evolved...

-I want to see Guzma and Kukui in a Hell in a Cell match. NOW.

-Aether doesn't appear evil, but Lusamine made a creepy face and wants to mommy everything. Also, it's funny that Pokemon has now made both animal-rights activists and conversationalists into its villains. Next they'll go after orphanages or something.

-Z-Moves aren't as busted as I was expecting, but I still think they're kinda unnecessary. The animations are actually fun to watch, but it's the posing and redundant textboxes beforehand that slow it down for me.