Beta No. 211: Gong

Tamogotchi lookin dude

Tyrogue only really looks like Hitmonchan. But was his beta equivalent any better? Well, he's kinda got boxing gloves, so that's a direct tie to Hitmonchan. But none of the Hitmons have ears like that, and he's not really looking Hitmonlee-ish in any way, so... lateral movement.


Evolutionary place aside, I dig this little dude. Much more than Tyrogue, who reminds me of the sort of skinny little kid who will attempt to start conversations about Minecraft with total strangers. But not Gong, Gong would punch strangers in the shins to bring them to their knees, then uppercut them in the jaw. He kicks ass.

Tyrogue and Gong both eat Lucky Charms for breakfast, but the different is that Gong doesn't take out the marshmallows and organize them by shape first.


Overall: 8/10

Beta No. 210: Octillery

WHY CAN'T WE HAVE NICE THINGS

OK, I can understand changing Remoraid, even if it totally ruins the design. But Octillery was just a goddamn tank, that should be kosher, right!? Why did they change this! It kicks 155mm of ass!

It's such a perfect design. The tentacles are curled to resemble wheels, like the Metal Slug tanks. At the same time, they're curled like fried octopus, often served in batter - "Takoyaki". And when you squish a takoyaki and see a bit of octopus poking out, it looks kinda like Octillery here. So it's more than just an octopus tank, which would be sick enough, there's a second layer of visual pun going on. I love it and will never forgive Gamefreak from denying us this wondrous creation.


Overall: 10/10

Beta No. 209: Remoraid

you know I keep that mf thang on me

Look at this early Remoraid! This makes SENSE! It's got a clear revolver barrel, trigger, hammer, and handle! It's a literal triggerfish, it looks like a damn GUN.


I suppose it was changed because the 4kids mentality of the time wouldn't allow the precious American children to see an image of a cartoon gun-fish in their video games. As if they aren't already awash in the violence on the news and in the movies. As if video-games contain the biggest gun-related threats to U.S. children.

*is just handed a news bulletin*

hm. the Columbine Massacre happened just months before Pokemon Gold & Silver released in Japan. um, that... explains things a bit. Well then.

(this Remoraid design is still much better, though!)


Overall: 8/10

Beta No. 208: Grimey

Elon Musk's girlfriend

Y'all, I am tired. I'm tired of having to pretend I have opinions about literal pieces of shit. Grimey sucks and I hate it. Tiny puddle of goop, just a wad of chewing gum. Throw it in the trash.

I barely even have the energy to point out that Grimey was likely supposed to have a round nose (or pacifier) instead of an open mouth with one tooth.

Merry Christmas, assholes.


Overall: 1/10

Beta No. 207: Turbann

Hey... that's not Shellder!

While I think every kid kinda wanted to see Slowbro's tail as its own Pokemon, that doesn't change the fact that the lore clearly states that Shellder bites Slowpoke's tail. So who the heck is this spiky bastard? A mutated Shellder? Or perhaps, the tail-biter slowly works its way up the rest of the Slowbro, consuming it entirely, and all that's left is the Turbann.

Dark lore aside, Turbann looks cool. And we don't have any turban-shell Pokemon, anyway. I say retcon the Shellder thing (which was weird because Slowpoke evolves by level anyway, even if you're nowhere near water), and introduce Turbann into the games! And give him his own evolution if you choose to not attach him to Slowpoke's ass, please.


Overall: 7/10

Beta No. 204: Minicorn

Can you really call it a "Minicorn" when it has no horn at all?

You know the pattern by now - another beta baby, another unwanted child, another "lets take an existing Pokemon and just make it smaller"


And for what it is, Minicorn is cute! If you drew a chibi Ponyta, this is what it would look like. I suppose I wouldn't mind Minicorn existing, so that puts it above a lot of its ilk, but it definitely does not need to exist either.


Overall: 5/10

Beta No. 203: Tripstar

ah, the mascot for the often-forgotten Team Three Star

Tripstar is the beta form of Ledian, and I think I know why it was upgraded. This guy just looks too much like Ledyba, it's hardly an evolution. And "Three Star Ladybug" sounds like a Yu-Gi-Oh card.


I appreciate that this artwork gives him little gloves in an attempt to beef up the design, but there's only so much you can do. Maybe if they wanted a mid-stage between Ledyba and Ledian? And carry the star-shaped spots over? There's potential... but it's definitely not being realized at the moment.


Overall: 3 stars (out of 10)

Beta No. 199: Politoed

I still can't believe Tentaquil was real, after all these years




of course, the colors are totally wrong, and the name as well. But I want to believe that a lucky Anon somehow had a prophetic vision of Pokemon that almost existed.


I don't dislike this design at all! It looks like a jolly, web-footed friend. And you know, there's a ton of blue frog Pokemon, but hardly any green ones aside from the actual Politoed himself, so I wouldn't mind seeing this design given its own line. At least beta-Politoed has the eye structures to fit in with the rest of the Poli-line, but it's still a wild deviant.


Overall: 7/10

Beta No. 198: Bellboyant

Sailor Moon called, she wants her cat back

well too bad, she's not getting her! Bellboyant is ALSO a very good cat that I wish was real.


You could say that it doesn't seem like much of an "evolution", or that its eyes are radically different. But I don't care. They perfected the Cat Pokemon way back in 1997, and spent the next 20 years mucking about with poor man's imitations. We could have been dining on the finest of feline designs, but we were denied.


Overall: 10/10

Beta No. 197: Rinring

let's keep this cat train a'rolling, shall we?

I'm legitimately angry that Rinring didn't make it into the final game. I understand if they thought they already had a cat in Meowth, but Rinring is SO MUCH BETTER. In fact, better than any of the subsequent kitties they've developed - though it's not hard to be better than Glameow and Purrugly. I'd say Rinring and its evolution trump Purrloin, Espurr, Skitty, Meowstic, Litten, Velazquez, Monster Mash, Zoomacroom, Tony the Shrimp, Facer, Yellow, Otter Pop, the lot of 'em!


It's funny how often kittens are associated with bells in Japan. Not that nobody puts bells on their cats elsewhere, but how often do you see that as part of the generic Cartoon Cat Ensemble, right? Meanwhile, Japan brings out the catgirls with bells on. Rinring is hella cute and they need to make it canon!


Overall: 10/10