No. 935: Charcadet

Things are starting to heat up!

 

Charcadet is a decent little guy, he looks like he wants to be the mascot of some HobbyAni show very badly. Okay, I know Pokemon itself is a HobbyAni franchise, but I mean he looks like a Yo-Kai Watch or a Beyblader, or maybe something related to bicycles, judging by his big ol' helmet. Gotta protect that giant, sensitive noggin. And the tiny useless thumbs on the sides of his giant sawed-off mitten hands are funny to me.

It's not a bad design, in fact it's a pretty good one, but it's really not a Pokemon design. It looks more like the chibi form of a tokusatsu hero, that doesn't appear in the show but gets used in marketing and merchandise.

Overall: 5/10

No. 934: Garganacl

Nacl 3 baybeeeee 

Let it be known that I don't like Minecraft. I think it's an impressively ugly game, made by a weird loser, played by annoying children, and more popular than Jesus. If you were making a "build with Legos and walk around inside the things you build!" game, you could do a lot better than shitty voxel stuff. And the actual "survival" game of it, the fact that there's like a campaign you can do with bosses and shit? Not to mention the Story Mode spinoffs? It makes me sick. I wish kids were playing better games. I do not respect Minecraft, and I'm not a fan of the way everyone else has granted it some sort of nostalgic legitimacy. I guess it's cuz those kids grew up and are the taste-makers now. But I was there when it was just a java beta, I've seen it in diapers, and so I don't have to respect Minecraft.

(wew, good to get that off my chest)

Anyway, Garganacl is pretty cool! Finally, the blocky style works out, with sensible points of articulation for a fantasy rock monster. I dig the big shoulders that evoke a pyramid, and the striations on his limbs are neat. To me, this hits a similar appeal as Golurk. I want to play with the action figure version of it.

Overall: 8/10

No. 933: Naclstack

btw NaCl is Sodium Chloride, the chemical formula for "salt", in case you haven't had it explained 4000 times by now

Remember NakNacks? Those weird blocky dudes from the early 2000s, where you were supposed to stack them or collect them or possibly play some sort of game with them (it was never clear to me)? Well, Naclstack doesn't look like them at all, aside from having blocky parts. I just wanted to see if anybody else remembered those, or if it was my own imagination.

Naclstack is more animate than Nacli, which brings him up from "poorly-conceived" to merely "ugly". I just don't like his Minecraft ass.

Overall: 4/10

No. 932: Nacli

 shoutouts to Saltybets

The problem with Nacli is that it's not a Pokemon, it's clearly a powerup from Super Mario Galaxy 3. Turns you into Salt Mario, and you use it to kill slugs or something idk

I'm fine with Pokemon that don't emote, much less have any moving parts, like Minior or Lunatone. But I think those work because they're levitating. Nacli just kinda rocks back and forth on the ground. I can't barely even believe it's alive.

Overall: 2/10

No. 931: Squawkabilly

 these guys only give you 1 gold coin when you spray them

It's been a while since I've gotten to complain about another useless Normal/Flying type. Corviknight was Flying/Steel, Toucannon was actually cool, and Talonflame was Fire/Flying. After years of generic flying feathery assholes, Gamefreak finally figured out the secret to making good birds was to make them NOT just a basic bitch Normal/Flying bird.

So it fills me with a mixture of nostalgia and ire to report that Squawkabilly sucks. I like a pompadour, but its become depreciated in recent years. And I don't care about the multi-color gimmick, because Squawkabilly isn't even good enough to want to collect 1, much less the whole set.

The design isn't offensive, and in fact I appreciate how it hones closer to classic design sensibilities with the complex feather arrangements and detailed feet, but it's still just so boring.

Overall: 4/10

No. 930: Arboliva

 I'm Arboliva, I couldn't leave her, if I tried~

Arboliva is one of those Pokemon that was clearly designed with a certain pose in mind, and it's very strange that its key artwork is NOT in that pose.

See, it's an olive wreath. So it holds its arms in a wreath position. There's some visual similarity to the laurel wreath, too, but I don't know if laurels and olives are botanically related or what. Speaking of botany, its olives look like grapes, but I'm not about to get into that again.

I think Arboliva has a neat design that manages to keep a feminine silhouette without making it weird, and represents a type of flora we haven't seen before. In a way it's reminiscent of what Klefki and Comfey were going for, but done in a more naturalistic way. I guess the key art helps with that, reinforcing the idea that its arms aren't locked into this one pose. Maybe that was the intent?

Overall: 7/10

No. 929: Dolliv

 be a doll and get the door, won't you?

Dolliv doesn't just have a forehead, she's got a five-head. Makes me want to slap her head, or play tic-tac-toe on there. But I shouldn't bully the poor thing, she's at least better than Smoliv. She's kinda cute, and looks very polite.

On the other hand, I was so incensed yesterday I completely glossed over the Grass/Normal typing, so let's think about that. What makes this Pokemon any more "normal" than any other Grass-type? Are olives the most normie vegetable? Are olives even a vegetable, or are they a fruit, like tomatoes? Maybe they're related to grapes? Has anybody ever tried putting grapes on a pizza? I could look up the answers to these questions, but I'd rather relish in the mystery.

Overall: 5/10

No. 928: Smoliv

smol uwu bean

With all due respect, fuck Smoliv. Go back to your garden and bring me some breadsticks. When I'm driving my 500-pound legendary motorcycle from another timeline around Paldea at 100 mph, hauling ass with my hair in the wind, the last thing I want is to slam to a complete halt because some tiny little baby wants to battle. I should be able to crush Smoliv under my wheels. I should be legally allowed to crush Smoliv under my wheels.

Design-wise, yes, it's a little olive with a face. Not much more to say. What, are you gonna cry? Go ahead, then. Cry.

Overall: 1/10

Help! The Pokemon are leaking again!

I've been awoken from my peaceful slumber by the news of another massive Gamefreak leak. Seems the hackers got a ton of information, from design documents to news of upcoming projects to deep Poke-lore, and most relevant to our purposes: more beta designs!

I don't know if I really want to review all these guys, and even if I do I'll probably wait for someone to draw some artwork of them, but maybe this is a sign from the heavens that I should get off my ass and finish up Gen 9 before somebody leaks the entirety of Gen 10 or something.

oh yeah, hello again, btw. Anybody still out there? Is this thing even on???

No. 12345: Rocky

Today we're reviewing my pet cat Rocky.

First off, this asshole doesn't even learn any good moves. Scratch and Quick Attack aren't gonna do much for damage, and he lacks the bulk to make Rest useful. When Nuzzle and Lick are your best moves, you know there's a problem.

Moreover, what's up with that design? Who decided to put a random splash of color in the middle of your face like that? Gamefreak must have been drunk. And yeah sure, he's very fuzzy, but that just means white hairs getting everywhere and making any black T-shirts look grey.

And that's not even mentioning how Rocky wakes me up in the middle of the night because his stupid ass ate all his food in a hurry and threw it up without even tasting it, how he tries to bring down the posters from my walls and pulls books off my shelves, how he eats the window blinds and shreds the corners of the furniture...

What a dumbass loser cat, I love him very much 10/10